My mother has cancer -how to stop worrying about the future?

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My mother has cancer -how to stop worrying about the future?

Postby annelise » Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:13 am

RIght before Christmas I got to know that my mother has cancer. She will start with chemotherapy today. And I'm scared. I'm one of those that are sceptical about conventional medicine and especially chemotherapy, and I'm sure there are better ways of getting rid of cancer. She knows this (I've been talking about it for years), but now that she's in the middle of it I do not want to talk about it, because it would make her even more scared and negative. It's her decision to go through it. My landlord is a doctor, working with cancer, and I talked to him yesterday. He frightened me, when telling me about the long term side effects of one of the chemotherapy types she will go through. I feel so afraid and have a hard time not thinking about what can happen in the near future. How can I stop worrying about what my mum will now go through (and also stop worrying about how my father will cope with it)?

Love, Annelise
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Re: My mother has cancer -how to stop worrying about the fut

Postby neil1234 » Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:46 pm

I pray to God for your parents.
I fully understand that you consider worrying and sadness the most natural things in your situation. You have a point there.
I also understand how much you dislike anyone who tries to tell you not to worry or not to be sad. Anyone trying to cheer you up may also drive you crazy.

Would you follow my suggestion and get the book "Hope and help for your nerves" by Claire Weekes. Just give it a try. This might not be the full answer to life's questions, but you might find strength for the journey ahead.

Best Regards
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Re: My mother has cancer -how to stop worrying about the fut

Postby itisallsubjective » Wed Feb 13, 2013 12:27 pm

The Power Of Now will help.
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Re: My mother has cancer -how to stop worrying about the fut

Postby alex » Tue Feb 19, 2013 12:47 pm

This is your practice, a gift if you will :)
It is only natural for the mind to create fears in such a situation. You dont, however, have to let these fears overtake you. Use the simple excercize of becoming aware of whats going on in your mind. Objectively observe the thought process that is going on up there, what kind of scary things, imaginary things is the mind conjuring up? Extend this practice to your emotions too, what do these thoughts make you feel? Turn toward your fear and sadness. Become conscious of it. Blast it with your awareness. Fear loses its hold on you the moment you become fully aware of it.
Know that the scary future is purely fictional and a projection of the mind. All that is truly real is now. This eternal, ever peaceful and aware space that is ultimately not separate from you at all. Let the fear of your future motivate you to reside in the present.
Your mother's life is finite, regardless of the cancer. Waste not a moment of your time with her worrying over an imagined future! Recognize that her life, your life and all of life is transitory. This will ultimately bring a little more detachment and ironically the ability to more fully enjoy the experiences and time that you have with her.
I highly reccomed a book called Tuesdays With Morrie :)
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Re: My mother has cancer -how to stop worrying about the fut

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Feb 20, 2013 4:09 am

how lovely it is to have you back and posting Alex :D
Alex said: Waste not a moment of your time with her worrying over an imagined future!

Recognize that her life, your life and all of life is transitory.

This will ultimately bring a little more detachment and ironically the ability to more fully enjoy the experiences and time that you have with her.


I too love Tuesdays with Morrie, and incidentally read it just before a dear and very influential person in my life gained the 'new information' that they too had cancer. While everyone around him, quite 'naturally' were in shock and projecting out of presence - and the preciousness and clarity of what can be 'right now', I've managed to maintain 'presence' and also this immense gratitude for the moments that we do have, and to fill them in acceptance of what is (when he is sick from the chemo, tired from the fallout of it) and allowing him the space and encouragement to be okay with that

- it is what it is

- adding others' worrying to his already full plate is even more draining on his energies. His wife and family worrying about him makes him worry about them, then they worry that he's worrying about them, and he worries that they are worrying about him worrying about them, worrying about him.

Stop the insanity!!!
And to do this - become child-like - not in a needy, egoic way, in a way where everything just is, and is appreciated exactly as it is without condition, without limitation, without need - that is love.

He was very concerned about losing his hair and what his grandchildren would say - if it would frighten them to see him hairless, tired, sick, weak... all the opposites of who he has thought himself to be in their eyes, and in his own.

When they saw him head shaved they just said 'Cool Grandad!!' and high-fived him!
He laughed at their uncomplicated acceptance of who he really is and that they think he's 'cool' even with no hair. When he was sick they melded to him and cuddled him in silent acceptance - one can only know how loved one is when they are accepted and shown love and compassion in all states of their being. So yes, he has been the 'strong one' for most of the time that they've known him, they love him, not just his strength, again its been a blessing for him to learn this.

Enjoyment is pouring joy into what we can do, in this moment, in moments of sharing (doing something he really wanted to do before his hair fell out, listening and responding with compassion and love to what 'is' his experience right now, planning without concreteness things he'd like to do if/when he has the energy and time, and 'being' the same for those around him who love him and are fearful.

annelise said: And I'm scared.

It's understandable to feel as if you're on rocky ground, uncharted territory, but know that as Alex said, this is your gift - your present - your now - give yourself the same unconditional love - without condition, without limitation, without need.

In other extreme experiences of distance between expectation and reality, I coined a phrase 'Sometimes it is enough to put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe'.
You can't breathe 'yesterday' or 'tomorrow' or 'next week' or in an hour, only 'now'.
You also can't breathe for someone else for any length of time - you can only breathe for yourself, and allow others to breathe, yes remind them to breathe if they are holding their breath, remind them to breathe themself if they are trying to breathe for others.

Will it hurt at times? Absolutely - but that's okay too and nothing to fear.
It too will only arise one moment at a time.

How can I stop worrying about what my mum will now go through (and also stop worrying about how my father will cope with it)?


Breathe and love.
Breathe and love.
Breathe and love.

Repeat until it's automatic (- and when you forget - and you will forget at times, and that's okay too.)

(hugs)
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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