Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Topics related to physical, emotional and psychological forms of pain and suffering

Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby simba » Fri Mar 08, 2013 6:59 pm

Hi all, I received the Power of Now in 2009 as a gift and I read a few pages, couldn't understand a word and left it. Three months ago while on vacation and bored I picked it up and from the first page I was hooked. At this time also I was at a very low point in my life - every aspect of my life was bad. I am a 43 year old married woman, with a career, and two teenage kids. My relationship with my husband, my kids, my parents and everyone was bad. I felt everyone took advantage of me, never appreciate me, abused me etc. Everyone was wrong. I was right.

So after reading the book I started making a determined effort to be conscious. But the problem is - I am surrounded by such toxic people/family that say and do such hurtful things and I used to react in such a negative way as I felt it was the only way to survive. Like tit for tat. Now I am really making an effort. I don't react - I have been biting my lips so hard just to stop retaliating. My mind never stops telling me, " how I was never loved as a child, how no one cares for me, how badly I am treated over the years". My mind just doesn't stop. Why is my mind being so cruel.

The problem is now that I am becoming conscious of my mind/ego - it (my mind) is getting nastier. It seems like things or incidents from my early childhood or teens that were hurtful to me keep coming up. My mind keeps reminding me "how no one is ever good to me". Incidents of hurtful things in my marriage - small petty things - my mind keeps telling me not to forget it, my mind tells me not to let it go, to hold on to this pain. I feel as if I am going mad. My mind is like a movie bringing out incidents that may have been hidden in my subconscious. This is bringing on fresh pain that I find myself in tears.

I now hardly talk. I have become so subdued. I am so teary all the time. I prefer being alone. I don't know how to socialize anymore and get nervous if invited out. I don't know how to love people who my mind tells me have hurt me. I have cut off everyone in my life because of my mind or I keep them at a distance. I feel so drained and so lost. I have spent a lifetime holding onto this pain - and now that I am trying to get rid of it, it seems to be out of control - like a monster.
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby Webwanderer » Fri Mar 08, 2013 9:05 pm

Jesus said at one time: "I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."

Are you getting a sense of what he might have meant? The thing is that through a lifetime of conditioning we have come so far from our True Nature that it becomes painful (for a time) to get back on track. There is simply too many false concepts and thought structures to get through delicately. It can be done however. With a willingness to allow the truth of your being to come through all that mental baggage, and the steadfastness and patience to see it through to a new way of being, a new perspective on life will emerge.

simba wrote: But the problem is - I am surrounded by such toxic people/family that say and do such hurtful things and I used to react in such a negative way as I felt it was the only way to survive. Like tit for tat.

No doubt there is a dynamic of negative interaction that can develop when ego rules the fight for right, but clarity increasing over time, through patience and discipline, will eventually effect that dynamic in a positive way. The key is to see the truth in your own greater nature, so you can then see that same truth in others - regardless of their own ability to do likewise.

I have been biting my lips so hard just to stop retaliating.

It's good to stop retaliating. That simply feeds the problem that you are seeking relief from. You don't have to win these arguments. Freedom from the battle is the true win you seek.

My mind never stops telling me, " how I was never loved as a child, how no one cares for me, how badly I am treated over the years".

All this may be true. Or it may be that ego is embellishing it somewhat. 'Never'? Regardless, whatever happened is past. What keeps it a problem in this moment is your focus upon it.

The greater truth is that your own True Nature loves you unconditionally. You are an extension of It and It is always there awaiting your attention. Find and cultivate that relationship above all others. Everything else will fall into place as this relationship becomes clearer.

My mind just doesn't stop. Why is my mind being so cruel.

It's not being cruel, it's just being habitual. It has a momentum from the emotional energy that has generated its direction. That direction however, can be changed by the sustained focus of your attention. First observe the negative thoughts that arise. Then make peace with them as the conditioned responses that they are. It's just a well conditioned habit.

Next refocus you attention on anything that makes you feel better - whatever you can imagine is an emotional step up from what you currently feel. This will begin to set new patterns and habits of flowing energy. Do this over time and the thoughts that arise will be less bothersome and ultimately more enjoyable.

The problem is now that I am becoming conscious of my mind/ego - it (my mind) is getting nastier. It seems like things or incidents from my early childhood or teens that were hurtful to me keep coming up.

Yeah, that happens. It's mostly because your attention is more on it now. Resistance only makes it worse. Far better is to make peace with it. Make it no big deal. Recognize that it's just stuff arising and no longer is your preference of perspective. Then refocus on some perspective that you prefer.

My mind keeps reminding me "how no one is ever good to me". Incidents of hurtful things in my marriage - small petty things - my mind keeps telling me not to forget it, my mind tells me not to let it go, to hold on to this pain. I feel as if I am going mad. My mind is like a movie bringing out incidents that may have been hidden in my subconscious.

Think of how often this has been a part of your self talk and self thought. It's some pretty strong programing. But again, it can be changed. You mostly created it, you can also change it.

Take the long view. 'From this moment forward, for the rest of my life, I'm going to Improve my perspective of my self. All the negative thought is just an old habit, nothing more. I can see some good, and some value in all that life offers. This is where I'll focus my attention. And when I slip back into the old emotional trap, I'll simply start again, and again, and again. This is how I choose to live my life.'

Emotions are God's gift to guiding us through life. The better we feel, the more loving, the more accepting, the more appreciative, the more in alignment with our True Nature we are. The worse we feel, the more depressed, the more fearful, the more emotional pain we experience, the further from alignment we are. It's not right or wrong, it's just our gift of guidance. The good news is that our True Nature has a vested interest in our well being, and is ever ready to renew a clear and loving relationship whenever we make the effort to align. Our feelings are our guides to that alignment.

I feel as if I am going mad.

Does this not sound like Tolle when he was on the cusp of a revelation in his awakening. Remember however, that Tolle then spent years in contemplation and refocusing his attention. This may be your best opportunity to date to get on a path, a new perspective of life.

I now hardly talk. I have become so subdued. I am so teary all the time. I prefer being alone. I don't know how to socialize anymore and get nervous if invited out.

It's part of the process. It's okay. It will take some time to get reoriented. But keep searching. Find that inner alignment/guide and look for the inspiration that will come over time.
I don't know how to love people who my mind tells me have hurt me.

You will learn how to love them again as you learn how to love yourself. Nothing you have ever thought, said, or done makes any difference to your worth as a leading edge being. Life can be tough. Your willingness to undergo such challenging conditions in this human experience is the stuff of heroes. Don't believe me? Get in touch with your True Self and you will know this truth.

I feel so drained and so lost. I have spent a lifetime holding onto this pain - and now that I am trying to get rid of it, it seems to be out of control - like a monster.

It's good that you recognize it so clearly. You now know that it's time to let go of the past and choose a better life experience. And that better experience is not a suggestion to run, but to cultivate a clearer perspective. You have all the help you could ever need in your own inner guidance.

Find time many times a day to sit quietly alone, even if it's only a few moments in the bathroom, to take a few breaths and imagine what it would feel like to be in clear alignment with your True Nature. Be open and rest consciously in the possibility. Do it often, several times a day. Over time the experience will deepen and begin to influence you with insight and clarity.

You will soon find opportunities to enjoy aspects of life, even if it's the morning sunlight, or a blooming flower. In time it will begin spreading throughout your life, even into the relationships that seem so problematic. Be patient. Be gentile with yourself. You are far more beautiful than you give yourself credit for.

WW
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby rideforever » Fri Mar 08, 2013 9:13 pm

simba wrote:I now hardly talk. I have become so subdued. I am so teary all the time. I prefer being alone. I don't know how to socialize anymore and get nervous if invited out. I don't know how to love people who my mind tells me have hurt me. I have cut off everyone in my life because of my mind or I keep them at a distance. I feel so drained and so lost. I have spent a lifetime holding onto this pain - and now that I am trying to get rid of it, it seems to be out of control - like a monster.

You are doing good and brave work.

This place is temporary, things will improve.

Keeping a low profile now is a good option.

If you need to talk to people, just relax and do whatever is needed on the outside, keep working on the inside.

Your mind wants to tell you that it is a "monster". But it is lying. In time this will pass.

You are doing a good job.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby Yutso » Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:07 pm

Student: "Master, I counted 75 distractions in meditation. What can I do to be free of them?"
Master: "How wonderful to have 75 supports for awareness!"
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby Yutso » Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:16 pm

WW writes, "Emotions are God's gift to guiding us through life. The better we feel, the more loving, the more accepting, the more appreciative, the more in alignment with our True Nature we are. The worse we feel, the more depressed, the more fearful, the more emotional pain we experience, the further from alignment we are. It's not right or wrong, it's just our gift of guidance. The good news is that our True Nature has a vested interest in our well being, and is ever ready to renew a clear and loving relationship whenever we make the effort to align. Our feelings are our guides to that alignment."

Are you sure? Why is it then that we can find peace of mind in the midst of raging emotions, profound insight in the midst of complete confusion, and the seeds of compassion in our darkest moments, even when we feel completely lost and alone.?
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby Webwanderer » Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:57 pm

Yutso wrote:Are you sure? Why is it then that we can find peace of mind in the midst of raging emotions, profound insight in the midst of complete confusion, and the seeds of compassion in our darkest moments, even when we feel completely lost and alone.?

While I don't disagree with your fair point, most are not likely to be at peace in the midst of raging emotions (assuming you are referring to your own raging emotions and not some other's). However, finding peace in the midst of strong emotions is indeed possible, and that is what I suggest in my own words. The distinction is whether we are identified with the emotions, or that we can stand back and observe them.

Finding peace, as you point out, is born of a recognition that negative emotions are something other than self (I feel sad rather than I am sad.), they are content within consciousness. By recognizing emotions as consciousness content they can be perceived differently. That is the nature of the guidance. It is then that one can make peace with the experience at hand and perceive from a more aligned perspective such as - 'the experience was a gift in that I understand something of myself better now'.

With understanding we can cultivate the inherent ability to shift perception from identification with emotions to their properties as guides. Then those moments insight and inspiration become more accessible.

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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby ashley72 » Fri Mar 08, 2013 11:28 pm

Yutso wrote: Why is it then that we can find peace of mind in the midst of raging emotions, profound insight in the midst of complete confusion, and the seeds of compassion in our darkest moments, even when we feel completely lost and alone.?


Why is it so?

Each of us has an enormous symbolic matrix of analogies in their brain, that all follow some basic symbolic laws.

One of those basic symbolic laws is the pairing of opposites.

The Symbolic Law of Dual-Pairs: Thought always results in inseparable pairs of concepts (dual pairs) because every thought has an opposite.The two concepts of a pair are always inseparable because the merger of the opposites will cancel the pair. Example: "I"/not-"I" is a dual pair of concepts. If the "I" and not-"I" merge, neither concept remains.

"Ashley72 is feeling confused".....can be turned 180 degrees around and made to "Ashley72 is feeling insightful." Be still and witness as your mind reveals to you examples of how this turnaround is true.

Now, next time your stuck in a moment of utter confusion....realise at that moment you're are merely acting like a wasp, in a fruitless attempt to traverse a window-pane - while the other half of the window is wide open.

Image

WW was implying the same insight here: "The distinction is whether we are identified with the emotions, or that we can stand back and observe them."

The emotions or feelings which embody confusion is what binds us into strong identification to a particular pole. The way to break out of confusion is to observe the feeling of confusion - utter acceptance of confusions presence and then be willing to let it go.
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby smiileyjen101 » Fri Mar 08, 2013 11:43 pm

Now I am really making an effort. I don't react - I have been biting my lips so hard just to stop retaliating.


Yes you are 'really making an effort' is it the experience you would choose in awareness? In gratitude and generosity for self and others?

If not you may like to take a moment to impersonally, non-judgementally observe the effort - the energy - you are adding to the experience and the interpretation of it, that is creating the experience you are experiencing.

You also may at this time gain understanding from reading Don Miguel Ruiz's book 'The Four Agreements - a Practical Guide to Personal Freedom'. It shares the Toltec philosophies of why we get caught up in these sorts of energy spirals and how to navigate more lovingly for self and others. It's simply written and quite beautiful in its gratitude and generosity.

There is wonderful sharing of the expression and experience by the way we are 'domesticated' in our environments and the choices we make - whether we make them consciously in love, or unconsciously in fear, and the agreements we take on to seek external approval and avoid punishment for our beingness.

It teaches how to be authentic in a more loving way, neither of which you seem to be employing - neither authentic or loving to self and others.
The four agreements he guides through are -
1. Be impeccable with your word
2. Don't take anything personally
3. Don't make assumptions
4. Always 'do your best'

While these seem simple, and are the way to disentangle from the hell on earth you are creating for yourself, he outlines good examples and applications of them in different forms and intensities.

At the moment you appear to be doing the reverse in all of them, and your experience is the outcome.
You are 'biting your lip' rather than responding to others - holding onto the thought and giving it neither expresssion or release, it has nowhere to go and so it can only stay with you because you are holding onto it.

You are taking everything personally and making assumptions, his sharing on these subjects is great.
You are also not being fair to yourself and recognising that internal and external realities will affect what your 'best' can be in any given moment. No one is hurting or judging or punishing you but you - you are creating your own hell on earth.

No choice is wrong, it just brings a different experience.


What you have awakened to is this - that your experience is your creation by your perspective
My relationship
equals your participation in relating with others - yours... not theirs
I felt
- your feelings, the feelings you are choosing to engage.
I don't react
yes you do, you just do it 'differently' now you hurt yourself.

I don't know how to love people who my mind tells me have hurt me.

You are actually externalising that you don't know how to love yourself, you see the insanity now in hurting yourself by rehashing all the things that have by the way you (and most of society) have been indoctrinated to behave - in Judgment and Victim mentality is not 'true', its all an agreement of what is right or wrong made in unconsciousness and impossible to maintain authentically. You are at odds with your self.

If you want a different experience of life, you need to start choosing differently.
Love, forgive, appreciate, be generous with your self first and then it can flow out as love for others.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby Yutso » Sat Mar 09, 2013 1:24 am

WW writes, "With understanding we can cultivate the inherent ability to shift perception from identification with emotions to their properties as guides."

But why appropriate a property to them as guides? Guides to what?
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby Webwanderer » Sat Mar 09, 2013 2:01 am

Yutso wrote:
WW writes, "With understanding we can cultivate the inherent ability to shift perception from identification with emotions to their properties as guides."


But why appropriate a property to them as guides? Guides to what?

Guides to alignment with our true nature, to clarity of being, to a more enjoyable life experience.

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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby treasuretheday » Sat Mar 09, 2013 4:26 am

Many abused children reject their abuser as a source of anything good or trustworthy, & accept totally, some at a very young age, that their own salvation is entirely up to them. They no longer connect to the world through their abuser, but directly access what they need from their environment. They may continue to be a physical or legal victim for some time, but they have become immune to being a psychological victim. (You have to expect something from somebody in order to be disappointed or emotionally "hurt" by them). They learn early what we all must learn sooner or later. Our life is up to us. And we are up to life.

No one is coming to save us. But how about people who are supposed to help us...spouse, friends, family? Shouldn't we be able to count on them? Of course, we want to count on our significant others, but in whatever areas they are not forthcoming, & for whatever reasons, we can only encourage & cajole for so long before we will simply have to admit that in these particular situations, we've been abandoned.

Maybe we need to bear the pain of that abandonment in order to take our space fully in the world as an emancipated adult, no longer a slave to false hopes. When we free ourselves from the dead weight of such vague hopes, we can rise to a more cosmic bird's-eye view of things. Maybe all we're doing here in this earthly existence, is sharing with one another our mutual abandonment. If cosmic abandonment is our basic human condition, then all we have is each other, so we should be careful not to blame our natural state on each other or become victim's of each other's flaws. When we take care of ourselves, the other person's flaws are their problem, not ours.

We can only think one thought at a time. If we are thinking about what somebody should be doing for us, we can't think about what we should be doing for ourselves. We can direct our thinking toward some goal of our own instead of whatever bubbles up. We needn't become victims of our own mind anymore than we need to become victims of other people.
Life itself is the proper binge.
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby Yutso » Sat Mar 09, 2013 5:57 am

WW writes, "Guides to alignment with our true nature, to clarity of being, to a more enjoyable life experience."

In what way?
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby karmarider » Sat Mar 09, 2013 7:33 am

simba wrote:Hi all, I received the Power of Now in 2009 as a gift and I read a few pages, couldn't understand a word and left it. Three months ago while on vacation and bored I picked it up and from the first page I was hooked. At this time also I was at a very low point in my life - every aspect of my life was bad. .... Everyone was wrong. I was right.


Hi Simba. My experience has been similar. A few years ago I read the PON and it made no sense to me. Then later, when I was in emotional turmoil, it grabbed me much like the way describe.

And after that it was for a while the way you say. Things inside and out seemed get worse and better and worse and better. They did, and it was also that I was more conscious of inner experience. There are times of recognition, times of exhuberance, times of feeling that I've finally figured it out; and also times of confusion, isolation, despair, antagonism.

My intuition is that once we've had the first insight, that life is not what we have assumed it to be, it is inevitable that fear goes, and we remember our true nature, which is one of love and creation.

Use your intuition. Keep looking inside. Along the way you will discover ways to release your pain.Tolle is wonderful and speaks truth; and there are also others who say the same thing in different ways, and so remain open.
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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby Webwanderer » Sat Mar 09, 2013 7:54 am

Yutso wrote:WW writes, "Guides to alignment with our true nature, to clarity of being, to a more enjoyable life experience."

In what way?

All life and experience is built upon vibration. Quantum physics demonstrates this clearly. Thoughts and emotions are at their heart vibration within our conscious experience. In our True Nature we vibrate at a certain quality of Love. Our physically generated thoughts and emotions vibrate according to the quality of their own unique expression in any given moment and circumstance. Some of our thoughts and emotions vibrate in closer alignment/harmony with the steadier vibration of the love inherent in our True Nature and are a joyful experience. Others are more discordant and are painful to experience. Many others are in between extremes.

The feeling inherent in any vibrational experience is an indicator of the proximity of alignment with the vibration and energy of our True Nature. Peace, joy, love and the like are on one end of the vibrational spectrum, while depression, despair, anger and its like are more towards the other end of the vibrational spectrum. There is nothing 'wrong' with either end in the greater sense. It is simply a feeling guide and feedback system to help us manage our human life experience.

We all know what it's like to have a 'bad' day. We also know what it's like to have a good day. We know by the way we feel. Emotions are key to how we feel in any give circumstance. If we are not just isolated pieces of thinking meat that have no existence beyond this physical body, then there is a greater part of our being that we are not fully aware of while in this human experience. Aligning with the qualities of that greater nature puts us closer in touch with who we really are. The emotions present in any given experience reflect the closeness of that alignment.

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Re: Being Conscious is Causing Me More Pain

Postby treasuretheday » Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:14 pm

Webwanderer wrote: It is simply a feeling guide and feedback system to help us manage our human life experience.

Yes, & brain science tells us that people who damage their prefrontal cortices in the lower-brain frontal lobe region, where depression resides, cannot make any choices or have even the most rudimentary goals. Because they have no feelings about them, they can make no judgment between two options. They have lost the capacity for fear & are never depressed, but at the same time, they are also cut off from the internal combustion engine that powers our life. In addition to losing our capacity to feel due to a brain injury, we can also repress feelings. Some of us are as phobic about our painful feelings as others are phobic about snakes & spiders. But then we don't make use of these valuable pointers or "guides." Even fear assists us. It can empower us, rather than keep us from living fully. We should not try to erradicate all painful emotions from our lives...but yes, use them as guides, regard them all as our friends.
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