Why am I choosing to suffer?

Topics related to physical, emotional and psychological forms of pain and suffering

Re: Why am I choosing to suffer?

Postby Manyana » Mon Feb 10, 2014 12:49 am

Clouded wrote:when it was time to part ways, I told her thank you instead of goodbye

I find this quality endearing in a person. It makes me feel like I can relax and be myself. Also, maybe the thankyou was because you actually did feel grateful to have such a nice encounter.
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Re: Why am I choosing to suffer?

Postby Clouded » Mon Feb 10, 2014 3:43 am

I was raised to adopt my parent's (particularly my dad's) opinion/worldview because he has more experience in life than me due to his age and thus knows the world better than I do. If you don't agree with my dad, you are likely to be called an imbecile and have your thoughts/beliefs reduced to bullshit. He also likes to ridicule my interest with spirituality and the gurus that I listen to, he nitpicks a lot but I don't let him stop me from coming here for advice. I was also raised that because it's my parent's money that feeds and shelters me, I have to abide by their rules so what they say, goes and it sometimes makes me feel like i'm their prisoner. I have to learn to march to the beat of my own drum and I asserted my independence by choosing to drop out which was completely against my dad's wishes. It was the most rebellious thing I've ever done. I read a book called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" and I found it helpful and I recommend it.

I think I'll get some counselling when I return to the stress of university life because that's when I need it the most and the service is included in my tuition fees.

Negative thinking has become an addiction to me. I don't even know when it all started because as a child, I don't remember thinking about myself that often. Most of the time, it was DO, not THINK. And if something bad happened, I'd show negative emotions for a day or two and then i'd be back to feeling ok and people were so much nastier to me back them. I don't know why childhood memories bother me for a longer period of time in my adulthood than they did in my childhood. Maybe I blame the past for molding me into the person that I am today.

I do have things to hide, I am always ashamed of my nervous ticks, especially my hemifacial spasms. If my hands start to shake, I can hide them in my pockets and it doesn't look weird, how the hell can I hide my face in a socially acceptable way? When it happens, I feel like a lunatic or like quasimodo. If it gets out of control, I turn my face away from the person or place my hair on that half of my face but it only gets worse when I try to hide it because I know I look awkward doing it. I want to punch myself in the head to make it stop. why did I develop this social handicap? It's so freaking visible! People can tell that there's something wrong with me. 90% of the time, I anticipate this when I'm being introduced to someone new and I don't want this nervous twitching to be their first impression of me, when someone is taking a picture of me or when I'm doing an oral presentation because all eyes and ears are on ME. I force myself to smile to show others that I'm doing great, that i'm enjoying this, that i'm not nervous at all, but deep inside i'm dying and I want to crawl into a hole. I guess that if I'm so afraid that people will judge me negatively, identify me with my nervous ticks or avoid me because this makes them feel uncomfortable. I can warn them that this might happen and that it's not something that I can easily control and I don't want people to be put off by this. If they don't accept me because of this, then it's their problem, I don't want to hang out with people like that anyway.

Also there's no trace of confidence in my tone of voice, I need to work on that. I once recorded myself talking to someone and I sounded like I wasn't sure of what I was saying because my voice was shaky and fading. It sounded more like I was asking questions rather than asserting myself.

Yeah, I was really grateful to have someone's company because I haven't met with a friend in a long time, so catching up with her was a treat for me.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Why am I choosing to suffer?

Postby ashley72 » Mon Feb 10, 2014 12:01 pm

Clouded wrote:I do have things to hide, I am always ashamed of my nervous ticks, especially my hemifacial spasms. If my hands start to shake, I can hide them in my pockets and it doesn't look weird, how the hell can I hide my face in a socially acceptable way? When it happens, I feel like a lunatic or like quasimodo. If it gets out of control, I turn my face away from the person or place my hair on that half of my face but it only gets worse when I try to hide it because I know I look awkward doing it. I want to punch myself in the head to make it stop. why did I develop this social handicap? I


Can you not see that hiding & using all kinds of safety behaviours to keep your nervous ticks secret from others... is just fuelling more nervous ticks? It's a vicious cycle.

The more you curtail yourself to the nervous ticks by using safety rituals, the less present you become. Your portal back into the NOW which Tolle talks about, is a head on exposure to those unwanted sensations and thoughts. You need to stop treating those nervous ticks as something to fear & run from or battle against... Just allow them to happen... Laugh at them when they arise... Let go... Make a joke about them to others ... Invite them to happen again & again & again. This is the only way to conquer your fears. Running, hiding, battling is only going to keep them in place... and you don't want that. You can stop suffering NOW if you can just "expose" yourself to those nervous ticks (big fear) and stop treating them as something dangerous & threatening.
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Re: Why am I choosing to suffer?

Postby Clouded » Mon Feb 10, 2014 12:14 pm

From experience, I now understand that the best way to overcome a fear is to welcome the trigger with open arms and ask for the sensations to happen. You are right, I can always joke about it, it's not like I'm doing anything dangerous or illegal so there's nothing to be afraid of. Of course, it's always easier said than done, this fear of embarrassment and rejection has been with me for a long long time.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Why am I choosing to suffer?

Postby ashley72 » Mon Feb 10, 2014 2:21 pm

You're right it's not easy to change our behaviours & beliefs. Just today I encountered about five occasions where I felt mild panic & as a consequence still carried out some unhelpful safety behaviours to try and shield my own shame & embarrassment. It's hard to let others see our personal struggle, but if getting better means letting someone (even a stranger) see I've got a nervous illness so what? That's the internal dialogue you need to have with yourself, to stay and expose NOW in this moment rather than run & hide indefinitely.

The reason I had those five panic episodes is I'm doing 100% exposure... not holding back at all. If I'm not feeling some unwanted feelings and thoughts I'm not exposing myself... I'm still hiding my embarrassment.

Exposure therapy has made such a difference to my own level of suffering, that I want to share it with others who are still confused by their own suffering.

You really can get better now, if you can see that hiding or battling these nervous ticks is what insanely keeps nervous illness in place.

I can see that by the end of 2014 that I will be facing fearful situations I dreaded only 1 year ago.

BTW, I don't expect to be anxiety free, but out of control nervous ticks or panic will be a mere memory.

"Fall down seven times, stand up eight"
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