The realization of my pain body

Topics related to physical, emotional and psychological forms of pain and suffering

The realization of my pain body

Postby jazzercast » Wed Apr 30, 2014 3:22 pm

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all well, this is the first post on here although Ihave been reading for quite a while.
Here it goes, something I've never told anyone.
I've been having this feeling of pain and suffering for quite a while now, not sure how long exactly, maybe 6 or 7 years?
I'm now 29, a musician (guitarist, mostly jazz) and from a small town where the competition is great, well I'm not sure it could be all in my head.
I'm pretty sure the pain and suffering I have been living with is from what I have recently discovered is my pain body.
I always thought it had something todo with my ego, which I have never told any one, I'm very competitive and would try
to out do others, I wanted to be the best, the one everyone talked about, the number one guitarist in town, everyone would want to play with me
and everyone knew who I was. Sounds crazy right? I didn't and still don't even like this way of thinking, it feels like there is a smaller evil person inside of me
making me think like this, I hate the way I think, I would do this to my friends, some of whish who were very close.
I feel like my pain body is connected to this one thing and the couple of biggest triggers I have found that have happened in recent memory (past year or so) are the following:
I guess in this town I wanted to be the best guitarist/musician and while at uni I met someone who would become one of my best friends, another guitarist.
He was good, really good, the later it went on I realized he was beeing seen as the number one guy, being asked for gig, everyone was talkig about him.
We always played together, to sooth my ego I would think to my self that we were the best but probably thinking also that I was number one.
Over the years we kept getting better but my friend seemed to have this elusive x factor that no matter what I did he was the one that got chosen or asked for things, I would always think, why not me? and I would get mad! Why would they not pick me, how dare they!!
He got accepted into an overseas music course. very high level which no one had done in our town, he went away and when he came back he was an even bigger threat, I had seen us a equal but now he had so much more I couldn't even compete.
People saw him still as the best (again maybe just in my mind) and it would pain me for someone to tell me how good he sounded o tell me anything great about him..
He started doing better gigs then I was, writting music, people were going to his gigs and this whole thing was causing me pain, which I think was my ego, my pain body.
OK so a few of the triggers:
I play with a singer around town, kind of my gig, just the two of us, she decides to put a band together which is different to what I've done with her, I kind of ask if she's using any guitar and I feel she isn't which is fine. They rehearse at my friends house as he lives with other musicians, I turn up to the gig and who do I see on stage??? My friend playing guitar!!! That day was such a big pain bpdy attack, I coudn't believe it, it was so painfull, my mind ran with thoughs of the singer I played with secrtly wanting to get him because he's better, and the other band memebers (my friends) talking about getting him and not me and then I'm there feeling like no one like me and if I died no one would even care.
Ther are a bunch of others, facebook posts, which I had to unfollow as any significant good new post was a major pain body attack, new like he got a grant for a recording, gigs with well known people, I would sit there wondering, how is he doing this??? Are people asking him or is he asking them?? I even tried hacking his facebook account to find out!!
The latest one was much more recent, on the weekend, I'm playing a gig, have felt like I've gotten over him by in a way closing him out of my life, unfollowing on facebook, not going to his gigs, just trying to avoid him. A firend of his comes up to me in the set break and says, "You know your firend has just been nominated for a big fancy jazz award, if he gets it he'll get a bunch of money and oppertunitys" when he said that BANG the pain body came on and in my mind again it ran and ran and ran, with scenes of him doing this to defeat me, like he's out to get me, that no one wants me to do well, it's all about him, he's so far out in being the best that there is no catching up.

This guy is my friend, I still play with him, I mean he's coming to my wedding for crying out loud!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to do, he's on my mind almost every moment of every day, I suffer pain, anxiety, stress because of it and often have though about I need to reset and by that I mean suicide as it seems like a glimps of pain release, to have a break from the mental torture I would do anything.
I do remeber what it was like before this, I haven't been to see anyone and haven't told my partner of almost 9 years, it's my biggest secret.
Pleas help me escape this constant negative mind torture, I can feel the pain in my body and my mind every day.
Eveyone thinks I'm the great, happy guy, but on the inside, but sometimes I just have this constant though taying, "I just want to cut my wrists" and it seems like a nice thing a way to end it.
I'm very strong mentally, decpite all of this, I can hold it together with getting things done, work, I do fine and am regarded as one of my towns top musicians, I even attended the same overseas music course my friend did which is very hard to get into, but the pain is always there, almost always.
Sorry if this is long.
Hope someone can help me, please....
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Re: The realization of my pain body

Postby peas » Wed Apr 30, 2014 4:18 pm

Have you read either Power of Now or A New Earth? They are great starting places.
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Re: The realization of my pain body

Postby jazzercast » Thu May 01, 2014 6:48 am

I have read The power of now, not A new earth, I have also read a number of other books along the same topic, I've read more books this year than I ever have in my life, they are helping
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Re: The realization of my pain body

Postby Phil2 » Thu May 01, 2014 9:55 pm

jazzercast wrote:I always thought it had something todo with my ego, which I have never told any one, I'm very competitive and would try to out do others, I wanted to be the best, the one everyone talked about, the number one guitarist in town, everyone would want to play with me and everyone knew who I was. Sounds crazy right?


Yes crazy indeed ... but the seeing of the craziness can be the ending of the craziness ...

All your problems seem to come from your competitive edge and from your very wanting to 'become' the best ...

There is nothing to become more than what you are already ... just do what needs to be done, with great dedication/attention and without any thought about becoming or any expectations for a result ...

And this will give you peace of mind ... and from this peace, great things will happen 'through' you ... but in any case, you are not the 'doer' ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
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Re: The realization of my pain body

Postby peas » Fri May 02, 2014 6:19 am

jazzercast wrote:I have read The power of now, not A new earth, I have also read a number of other books along the same topic, I've read more books this year than I ever have in my life, they are helping


That's wonderful.

There is something a book can shine light on that people commenting on a forum might miss. It's all about taking the explanations, say from A New Earth (which I highly recommend) or Stillness Speaks (another Eckhart Tolle gem), and letting them sit in your consciousness. What ends up happening is presence from the book finds presence in you. At least, the presence that is ready to be found. It's a meeting of consciousness.

When that spark happens there is a deep feeling of connecting back with yourself. Your brain starts to even change. You feel changes in your body. There may be episodes of deep pain, and when you look back with the newfound presence, everything becomes clearer. Things that used to get you upset no longer do.
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Re: The realization of my pain body

Postby viking55803 » Tue May 06, 2014 8:04 pm

I have a little story that may help. It doesn't directly speak to your situation, but it has to do with creative expression. The fact is that I played music professionally for many years although I never imagined myself or really wanted to be more than I was: a competent bass player in a band that worked regularly. As far as music goes, I was in it for the money only. I had two small children and it supplemented our income when I really needed that. In any case...

For many years I was an aspiring writer - mainly fiction but also non-fiction. My goal, like most writers, was to be published. At one point, I began to work with a well-known author and a small group of fellow writers. We would bring samples of our current work and get "feedback" and criticism from the group and the esteemed author herself. The simple fact is that if you want to succeed in the world of publishing, you must be prepared to deal with rejection and criticism, mainly rejection of course. I think I worked with that group for a couple of years and did have a few short stories published in literary journals, but it gave me little joy or sense of accomplishment. Success is always an ego-agenda and the nature of the ego is such that nothing is ever enough!

The point is that as time went on my inspiration, my "muse" completely left me. Writing itself became excruciatingly painful. The editor in my head would never shut up and each line had to be written and rewritten until I forgot what the inspiration was for it in the first place. I finally abandoned fiction writing altogether. I have published quite a number on non-fiction articles in anthologies for a major publishing house, but my experience with fiction writing left me wrung out and discouraged.

Several years ago my son passed away unexpectedly. He was a trained artist (painter) and lived the life of the starving artist in San Francisco. After his death when we were gathering his unsold work I felt a powerful physical connection with it I could not explain. Something in the way the lines moved and the shapes were formed felt familiar. Although I had never seriously pursued it, I began to paint - a lot! But here's the thing: no one other than my spouse, my daughter, and perhaps two other people even know I make art at all. I have no ambition to become a "Artist", to sell my work, or even to show my work. I've told my wife that she can do whatever she wishes with it; it doesn't matter to me in the least. She loves my work, but we have an agreement that she can never comment on a piece before I determine it is finished: no like or dislike. The one question I will ask her from time to time is, "Do you think I should go further with this piece?"

The bottom line is that criticism can be toxic to the creative soul. I sometimes think of my creative self as a two-year old child, and my art "work" as simply "play." If you put your creative self or its products on display and receive criticism or indifference, the Ego immediately takes this on. "I'll show them how wrong they are!" or even "I'll accept their criticism to make my work even better." Then, your creative work becomes part of an ego agenda. You are enslaving your creativity to serve the demands of the ego. That simply doesn't work for me.

I stand in awe of those rare individuals whose creative efforts are immune to criticism. For me, it was the criticism I subjected myself to and the ego agenda that took me over that killed my muse. Does this mean I've stopped writing creatively? No, but now I only write when I must express something and it usually comes out in a poetic form or what they call short-short stories, and they sit undisturbed in cyberspace in a locked "box." Like ET says, creativity comes from the stillness beyond thought, the spacious awareness (I love that expression!). The best art feels as though it is "channeled" from some other place.
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Re: The realization of my pain body

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed May 07, 2014 2:02 am

I knew you were a kindred spirit Viking :D

I'm very strong mentally, decpite all of this,

^ herein lay the cause of your thinking Jazzercast.

The difference in egoic doing and aware doing that ET illustrates in A New Earth, (and yes absolutely do recommend the reading of it.) is that egoic doing makes enemy, obstacle or means to an end of a thing, person or situation.

If the bed for music is anything but the expression of music then it's means to an end - and no thing wrong with that, it's just that that is the limitation of the experience of it.

In aware doing he speaks of being in states of acceptance (for this moment this is what is), enjoyment - pouring joy into what you are doing - joy does not come from any outside source - it flows through and out of us into what we are doing by our pure attention and intention in the activity, and enthusiasm - being the arrow flying towards a target in states of acceptance and enjoyment - that 'in the zone' feeling where 'we' disappear into the activity.

I would ask Jazz, as you keep wondering what is so great about the other guitarist, your friend - can you in genuinely appreciating his playing see if he is in one of these states - acceptance, enjoyment, enthusiasm - is his playing all about 'him' or does he allow himself to be the instrument of music's expression? In professional jealousies it is often the case that the one being 'feted' good/bad, has no idea what the 'fuss' is about because for them it's not about them.

Does that make sense?

Do you ever get 'into the zone?'

I've been a muso forever, and a writer forever, what others say or think about me has little or nothing to do with me, it says more about them - their perspectives, their values, their limitations or expansions. If I sing it's that I'm getting out of the way and letting the music flow 'through me', if I'm writing the same, I'm getting out of the way and letting the words flow.
If we are using something as a means to an end there can be a level of peace within achieving that, but 'fame' or 'notoriety', 'rich' or 'poor', 'good' or 'bad' are relative and changeable values.

If one/something is 'good/bad' - how good/bad? could something/one be better/worse?
The same can be applied to the other changeable values.

What cannot be captured, held, distorted or compared is just pure expression, as it is, when it is, however it is - in the arts and in relating in life.

A bee buzzing against the wind and softening on a flower petal can be seen and heard as a pure symphony, but it is not 'better/worse' than any other arising of sound in reality, it just 'is'.

That
elusive x factor
may be that your friend gets out of the way - there is a beautiful quote that says

'I am the hole in the flute, through which the Christ breath flows, listen to the music'.

So one can be aware of being the instrument, and hearing the music - in this state the mind chatter is silenced.

To bring love fully into expression in whatever you are doing - being a friend to yourself and others - love is the equilibrium of gratitude and generosity - any thing that you think or feel that is not loving your beautiful self, and others beautiful self is cloaking who you really are.

Any thinking about good/bad is cloaking by perspective the beauty of 'what is'.

I didn't and still don't even like this way of thinking, it feels like there is a smaller evil person inside of me
making me think like this,

it's not a smaller evil person inside you. It's fear that you are not already enough, that somehow you have to prove it in order to receive love. Like joy, and like music, love flows through you and out of you, if you will only let it.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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