Clouded, here's your good news. You are here, and we love you.
We love your insightfullness, your honesty, your vulnerability and your authenticity.
We love your immediacy and your tenacity, your panic in a moment and your wisdom in reflection.
We don't worry about you, we believe in you. Always have.
Here's the 'nut', the 'kernel' of it -
I hate not having complete control over this situation.
Don't we all
The truth is, some folks are absolutely uncomfortable with authenticity because they don't know how to feel those feelings and share them honestly. It's purely capacity.
Don't confuse it with willingness.
They likely fear failure and rejection themselves, and haven't learned how to walk in peace with it themselves, let alone deliver it to someone else.
We cannot expect - well we can, but then we're creating our own disappointment - others to be as we would have them.
Think about it - list all the 'expectations' and 'assumptions' you've made about the first woman.
... can you 'blame' her for doing the same?
Breathe out sweetie, this too will pass.
What I did like in your sharing though was the spark of determination - that passion of knowing what it is that you want to experience - to try on for size, to test yourself against.
That you can 'control' in the sense of funnelling it, channelling it into expression. Not dependent upon others, fully knowing and being aware of your own capacity.
Many years ago I attended an Anthony Robbins seminar, and he asked the question "What would you do with your life if you knew you couldn't fail?'
He made us write it down in a work book at the top of a pyramid. Underneath it were the 'steps' of the pyramid. The things we would need to learn and scale and achieve on the way. All of the little steps might involve multiple pyramids to be built in themselves - in this case finding someone who will give you a fair go is one pyramid, giving yourself love and encouragement is another, having support (like here) is another, and we 'work' on them simultaneously and they all build upwards, solidly towards our goal.
You started to analyse possible reasons for rejection - so solve them. The key in any positive 'marketing' is to tell someone about a thing that would be good for them, even if they've never thought about it.
No one has the time to babysit, but really is that what you're taking into an internship? Gee I hope you yell NO at me and can come back with all the things you will bring to an enterprise - tell us (& them) what it is you are passionate about, curious about, and capable of doing. Because the panic attacks and the 'can't do' is not who you are - not who you intend to be in the situation ... yes?
Be honest with yourself first ---
I'm supposed to do some kind of' internship
Explain this statement and your feelings about it. Is this the beginning of you feeling out of control? Is it something you are accepting >>>> enthusiastic about, or is it an imposition that you are resisting and creating enemy, obstacle, means to an end about? Be honest with your self first. 'Supposed' and 'some kind of' are not clear, not positively resonant along the same energy of actually achieving it.
Because of the way you've framed it doesn't sound like it's your goal or something that you are raising & feeding your awareness, capacity & willingness into - if it is your goal, maybe you can reframe the statement into an active one.
I'm seeking an internship that will enable me to........ (whatever)
What I can bring to an employer in reciprocity is ............... (whatever)
Tony Robbins pointed out that there really is no such thing as 'failure', there is only failing to continue on a path towards our goal. Sure it means accepting all the 'mis-takes', all the little deviations from our path that didn't take us where we want to go. He used many 'achievers' as examples - Edison set his house on fire in one of his over 1000 ways that didn't make a light bulb work (oops! that's definitely not on the 'right' path), learn from the 'mis-takes' and move on.
Underlyingly though, the universe allows us to learn on a different level - there are absolutely lessons in the 'doing', lessons in the 'relating' but at a deeper level, we are learning and increasing our awareness, capacity & willingness about and with our 'being'.
In this moment how do you want to face it? Who / how do you want to BE in this moment?
I don't have any energy or willpower to keep this confident image up
It's not an image you have to 'keep up', it's faith and acceptance of the power of the real you. When you embrace that ..... look out world!!
(and don't dismiss it - you do it here all the time!! And, we love you for it