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Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 2:28 am
by Clouded
Long story short, I'm supposed to do some kind of' internship and my expectations weren't meant (its probably the worst thing that could have happened in that case and I feel like crap being thrown around.) 2 weeks ago, I had a meeting with a woman whose career I'm interested in and I asked her if I could come by daily to her workplace to observe her doing her tasks and maybe help her out for a duration of 3 weeks so I could confirm to myself that this is indeed the career that I want to be heading in. I told her about my interests in science and my anxiety issues and my past awful experiences in laboratories but that I am now being medicated and can keep my anxious responses under control (proof: I can now make phone calls and meet strangers without feeling that I am being tortured, I have improved so much that I can relax more easily now.) Anyways, the meeting was pleasant, I got to ask her questions about her job, I gave her my job guidance counselor's phone number so she could phone her to sign some papers that will be recognized by the government and an ''official'' paper asking for an internship and at the end she had a big smile on her face and assured me that we will see each other again.

Well...she hasn't called my counselor in 2 weeks (and I'm supposed to start my internship next week) so I decided to call her because I thought that maybe she forgot? That phone call was pretty much a slap in the face and I still feel awful about it but I realize that it has nothing to do with me, but it still hurts me. When I called her to remind her about my internship she told me that she was about to call me today (out of all days...yeah right, she wasn't prepared to call me at all because she had to look through her computer for available dates and her voice pitch sounded uncertain.) Then, the next thing she told me that (by judging on our meeting) she doesn't see me doing well in her career because of my anxiety and that I should pick something else blablabla (which pretty much made me feel like crying, I don't like being told that I CAN'T do something I'm interested in doing) and I told her that the whole point of that internship is to discover for myself if I would enjoy and be capable of doing her job, and she was all like ''right, do what you want to do, but there's x, y, z blablabla'' and I told her that I already know (I did my research), and that's the point, I want to see how I'll react. Then out of the 3 weeks she picked only 2 days to see me, and mind you, they're not even full days because she judges that everything else will not be interesting enough for me and that I won't like it (because she knows me SO WELL). I don't know, it was one of the most awkward phone calls I made, I felt like she was trying to persuade me to say no to her and get rid of me and she was so bitchy to me, but I was persistent because I need those 3 weeks of internship (I have a plan B (hopefully I won't be treated the same way, I'm waiting for an answer from them), and I was supposed to phone plan C today but didn't feel like it because I feel like crap and am hoping the feeling will dissipate by tomorrow. And I feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of meeting her again, this conversation pretty much changed my image of her and my counselor advised me that her reply is a red flag but I'm doing it anyways because I told her that I will meet her those days and, unlike some people, I stay true to my word.

I don't like people like that, people who have 2 faces. I would have preferred that she'd say no to my internship request from the start, why drag it like that and make me go after her to just feel like I'm being spat on? I really don't want to meet up with her and I regret saying yes to those 2 days (I am now DREADING those 2 days), I didn't like the way that she treated me.

Anyways, that was my rant for today (I haven't done one in a while, lol!), I needed to let go off steam.

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2015 1:48 am
by far_eastofwest
Follow up all plans.... don't depend on just the one.
My daughter went through similar situation and finally after quite a few tears and people who were either arrogant or rude or simply dismissed her on first impression or jobs that actually don't pay anything... has ended up now with a really good job working in a hair salon with Hairdresser of the year, who is a really sweet guy and the whole salon works as a team and supports each other, the bubbly support the quiet.... the quiet calm down the highly strung.
Good luck.

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2015 6:45 am
by Clouded
Thank you. :) I'm glad your daughter found a place that fits her well and also in a positive/supporting environment, I hope I find my place too someday. I guess that places that say ''no'' to you just aren't meant to be, and there are better places for me out there that would appreciate having me and where I would feel like I fit in. I finally phoned that woman at her workplace really late at night (so I would be sure that she won't be there to answer the phone, lol) and left a message saying that 2 days weren't enough for an internship and I had to refuse her offer but I thanked her for her time. I don't want to work with energy-sucking people like her, I think she has issues.

I feel like I need to be more emotionally intelligent to survive in this cruel adult world. I'm way too sensitive to other people's judgement that I start to doubt myself because I put other people's thoughts of me above mine. I keep forgetting that they're just people, flawed human beings who are stuck in their own biased world.

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2015 4:14 pm
by DavidB
We really have no idea what need nor what the universe has in store for us. I always have this attitude that every situation and event is an opportunity for spiritual development. Sometimes the things that are most painful also contain within them the seed that provides us with the most growth.

Resistance to life will create suffering, while acceptance gives us the freedom to live.

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2015 5:20 pm
by Enlightened2B
DavidB wrote:I always have this attitude that every situation and event is an opportunity for spiritual development. Sometimes the things that are most painful also contain within them the seed that provides us with the most growth.
Same here. Going through a pretty tough stretch of my life right now with a lot of stress provoking incidents and like you said, I'm learning to appreciate (as WW says) the experience as challenging as may be as an opportunity for my own growth.

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2015 7:48 pm
by Clouded
Still feels like crap. Plan B was a flop as well, same thing happened minus the discouraging, unprofessional comments. They tell me ''yes you can'' to my face, but ''no + some lame excuse'' on the phone. I can assume that the real reason why they won't accept me as an intern is that they will be responsible for me and they're not getting paid for that. And who wants to do extra work for nothing? Oh yeah, I also had to contact the person in question after I specifically asked them to phone my job guidance councilor like i'm their mom reminding them to do their homework. I hate not having complete control over this situation, sure sucks to be deceived like that. I'd rather be told the truth from the start then being lied to and then patiently waiting like an idiot for a definite response that doesn't arrive unless I force it out of them. Now it's easy for me to think of all the things that might be wrong with me, maybe I'm terrible at ''selling'' myself, I know that my public relationship skills are close to non-existent but I put a lot of effort to get out there and contact people and pretend that I'm a confident and interesting person. Also it doesn't help that people think that I am a high school student on the phone and in real life so maybe they don't think that I can be taken seriously, they don't even know me and what I know and can be capable of. Should I keep my mental health issues a secret from them? Am I being too honest? My generalized anxiety/social anxiety/panic attacks are a real concern for me, but I assured them that I am being medicated and am working on myself and I can keep my mood under control, just give me a chance to test myself out. I don't know if it's them or if it's me. I know that I shouldn't give up and that my thoughts about questioning my self-worth based on what I experienced are what makes me suffer and not the situation itself, but I don't have any energy or willpower to keep this confident image up (sadly first impressions are everything.) The last phone call I made, I sounded so sad and wanted to vomit. It's hard to keep going when you feel that everything is crumbling inside of you.

I'm afraid that the universe has nothing in store for me. I don't trust the universe, it doesn't seem to be on my side. I think I suffered enough now, can I get some good news soon?

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2015 12:22 am
by smiileyjen101
Clouded, here's your good news. You are here, and we love you. :D

We love your insightfullness, your honesty, your vulnerability and your authenticity.

We love your immediacy and your tenacity, your panic in a moment and your wisdom in reflection.

We don't worry about you, we believe in you. Always have. :D

Here's the 'nut', the 'kernel' of it -
I hate not having complete control over this situation.
:P Don't we all :wink:

The truth is, some folks are absolutely uncomfortable with authenticity because they don't know how to feel those feelings and share them honestly. It's purely capacity.
Don't confuse it with willingness.

They likely fear failure and rejection themselves, and haven't learned how to walk in peace with it themselves, let alone deliver it to someone else.

We cannot expect - well we can, but then we're creating our own disappointment - others to be as we would have them.

Think about it - list all the 'expectations' and 'assumptions' you've made about the first woman.
... can you 'blame' her for doing the same?

Breathe out sweetie, this too will pass.

What I did like in your sharing though was the spark of determination - that passion of knowing what it is that you want to experience - to try on for size, to test yourself against.

That you can 'control' in the sense of funnelling it, channelling it into expression. Not dependent upon others, fully knowing and being aware of your own capacity.

Many years ago I attended an Anthony Robbins seminar, and he asked the question "What would you do with your life if you knew you couldn't fail?'

He made us write it down in a work book at the top of a pyramid. Underneath it were the 'steps' of the pyramid. The things we would need to learn and scale and achieve on the way. All of the little steps might involve multiple pyramids to be built in themselves - in this case finding someone who will give you a fair go is one pyramid, giving yourself love and encouragement is another, having support (like here) is another, and we 'work' on them simultaneously and they all build upwards, solidly towards our goal.

You started to analyse possible reasons for rejection - so solve them. The key in any positive 'marketing' is to tell someone about a thing that would be good for them, even if they've never thought about it.

No one has the time to babysit, but really is that what you're taking into an internship? Gee I hope you yell NO at me and can come back with all the things you will bring to an enterprise - tell us (& them) what it is you are passionate about, curious about, and capable of doing. Because the panic attacks and the 'can't do' is not who you are - not who you intend to be in the situation ... yes?

Be honest with yourself first ---
I'm supposed to do some kind of' internship
Explain this statement and your feelings about it. Is this the beginning of you feeling out of control? Is it something you are accepting >>>> enthusiastic about, or is it an imposition that you are resisting and creating enemy, obstacle, means to an end about? Be honest with your self first. 'Supposed' and 'some kind of' are not clear, not positively resonant along the same energy of actually achieving it.

Because of the way you've framed it doesn't sound like it's your goal or something that you are raising & feeding your awareness, capacity & willingness into - if it is your goal, maybe you can reframe the statement into an active one.

I'm seeking an internship that will enable me to........ (whatever)
What I can bring to an employer in reciprocity is ............... (whatever)

Tony Robbins pointed out that there really is no such thing as 'failure', there is only failing to continue on a path towards our goal. Sure it means accepting all the 'mis-takes', all the little deviations from our path that didn't take us where we want to go. He used many 'achievers' as examples - Edison set his house on fire in one of his over 1000 ways that didn't make a light bulb work (oops! that's definitely not on the 'right' path), learn from the 'mis-takes' and move on.

Underlyingly though, the universe allows us to learn on a different level - there are absolutely lessons in the 'doing', lessons in the 'relating' but at a deeper level, we are learning and increasing our awareness, capacity & willingness about and with our 'being'.

In this moment how do you want to face it? Who / how do you want to BE in this moment?
I don't have any energy or willpower to keep this confident image up
It's not an image you have to 'keep up', it's faith and acceptance of the power of the real you. When you embrace that ..... look out world!! :D (and don't dismiss it - you do it here all the time!! And, we love you for it :D )

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2015 4:16 am
by Clouded
Thank you Jen for reminding me of those qualities, I am completely honest with my thoughts and feelings here but in real life, I am now afraid to show signs of weakness because I fear that it might put me at a disadvantage in this competitive world. I don't think that it was a smart move to mention my mental health concerns (the position was to work at a microbiology lab and I feared that my hands would start shaking and I would mess things up again like I did in uni) but I think that mentioning this would be inevitable for me; what would I say if I get a job interview and the employer would see that huge gap in my c.v. where I dropped out of school and didn't work for 2 years and a half? That's no good. It seems to me that people don't like to hear about depression and anxiety, they wouldn't want a ticking bomb like me near them. That woman used that concern I had about re-experiencing anxiety as a reason that I should look elsewhere. I don't see myself working anywhere else except for the health science department and I like biology. I could have boasted about myself instead, but then I would fear that I would appear arrogant, plus boasting doesn't come naturally to me, it's mostly whining and putting myself down. That woman was so different on the phone than when I saw her, it's like she wanted nothing to do with me and I thought that I did a very good impression on her and we even laughed at something I said.

When I speak with people, I pretend that they are my friends so I could be more comfortable around them and hopefully establish some kind of positive connection. I'm just not very good with finding words in the moment, I feel like I don't say the right words (I am more efficient and organised in my thinking when I write, I like seeing the words of my thoughts before me and rearranging them), plus there's all that body language thing and I have no clue how weird I look when I talk.

I know I should just let go of those people in my mind; so far, I only sent my request for an internship to those 2 places, I thought I had a beginner's luck and had more charm than I thought I did. My dad once sent his c.v. to about 150 places and got only 4 phone calls (and he has an impressive c.v.!). I think it's me being used to get what I want because I grew up being spoiled and now people are saying no to me and it's a shock to my ego or something. My self-esteem isn't that great to begin with and now I want to give up to avoid being deceived and hurt again. The adult world is harsh and I realize that I need to grow thicker skin and to not take anything personally. It just hurts to be told one thing (and expect it to be true.) I'm still disappointed about this.
No one has the time to babysit, but really is that what you're taking into an internship?
To be honest, what I told plan B is that they won't even notice that I'm there; that I would be of no trouble, I would just stand in a corner to observe and offer help when needed. That was how I marketed myself. :lol: And then I went into detail about my fears. I just didn't want them to feel that I was going to be bothering them and I was afraid that if they were to take me in, that I would act out on my anxiety.
Explain this statement and your feelings about it.
Well I was not very hopeful about getting an internship on my own to begin with. It's not like a real post-study internship where others get paid to have you. I'm not being sponsored by any school, it's just me hoping that someone would take the time to show me and teach me what they do for a living. Plus, no one is expecting me to ask for an internship when I visit them at their workplace; when I do my phone calls, I ask them if they could spare 15 minutes to answer some questions that I have about their job and only then after we meet face-to-face, I ask if they would allow me to be an intern for them (otherwise, I would get a no for sure, cause who says yes to some stranger on the phone?) My goal was to find something that I felt passionate about (and wanted to learn more about) and go back to school to obtain the necessary credentials and have a part time job while i'm studying so I could get my own apartment because I'm tired of living with my parents and I want more independence.

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2015 7:54 pm
by blissrunn14
I understand your frustration it's unfortunate people can't just be upfront. I recently dealt with something similar. I had a temp to perm job and asked my boss multiple time how I was doing and if he felt this was a good fit, he assured me multiple times I was doing great and they would be hiring me on full-time he was just swamped and hadn't had time to complete the hiring papers. A week after the last time he told me this I got a call from my agency after hours mind you that he ended my assignment. It was a shock and as a single parent I'm in a very difficult predicament. I let the anger go over what happened and have been focusing on myself and my feelings toward the situation, I just want to learn anything I can about myself and where I may have gone wrong for this to happen so that I can grow from it. I did see that I complained to a co-worker about some aspects of the job and I shouldn't have, she may have told on me. I also took time off work while I was still too new on the job and I shouldn't have, I just try to look at myself and what part I played in this instead of concentrating on what they did wrong. I'm also trying to use it as an opportunity to start learning how to deal with stress and hard situations better. I flop a lot, but I can see I'm getting stronger and have dealt with this much better then I would have in the past.

I can also relate to taking "no's" personally. When I was younger for some reason I did really well in the job world even without much experience or formal education. I had great interviewing skills and was offered almost any job I interviewed for. Over the past few years that luck has changed and the job market is also different, but I was taking it all so personally and thinking there was something terribly wrong with me that I don't get many job offers anymore. I am just watching these feelings and pushing forward until someone does say yes. I also see that my mind gives me the worse case scenarios instead of thinking the job market is different, I've got tons more competition now etc... my mind immediately jumps to...oh it must be me, something is wrong with me, people hate me.

Also, don't take it personal when you have to follow up with people. People are busy and over-fill their calendars if it isn't something that is an immediate benefit to them they'll let it fall by the wayside. This is how it is in the business world, you have just have to keep following up until you see that it's not going to pan out or that you're just dealing with a flaky person. Once you see they're clearly flaky and not just busy it's a red flag, just move on because that's not someone you'll want to work with, I've learned this from personal experience.

That being said I personally wouldn't share your anxiety issues with job or intern prospects. Most people aren't equipped to objectively handle that kind of information and will often times use it against you and not give you a chance. Where as a compassionate person with sense would see that you're admitting you have an issue and are working very hard to overcome it, many others will just make biased assumptions. I am very blunt and honest like you and I have started realizing that is not always a good thing in this world you have to protect yourself somewhat and can't share everything with everyone not everyone is caring or sensible. That's just my opinion.

Re: Being deceived and feeling awful/uncomfortable

Posted: Sat Feb 14, 2015 12:09 am
by Clouded
I'm sorry about what happened to you at work, blissrunn14. Yeah, you do have to be careful about what you say to your coworkers, don't assume that everyone will keep things to themselves. I used to bitch a lot about one of my coworkers and how bored I was at my job when I worked at a clothing store, but I bitched about it in my native tongue, to my mother who was working with me lol, so I knew that she wouldn't do anything about it.
I am just watching these feelings and pushing forward until someone does say yes.
That's also what I intend to do, but it's hard to get passed those feelings of inadequacy and failure, it sticks with me and it affects how I act and in turn, affects how others see me because I don't appear very confident. Now i'm even more afraid of rejection (and am EXPECTING to be rejected and be told discouraging things, whereas before I wasn't so sure how people would respond), I know that's false thinking because I can't predict the future...but i'll get used to being rejected and it won't affect me as much as the first times, and with practice, I will know what to say to convince others to agree to my internship request.
Where as a compassionate person with sense would see that you're admitting you have an issue and are working very hard to overcome it, many others will just make biased assumptions.
Very well said, and I have come to see this too. Yeah, I think I should keep this to myself and see what happens if I get accepted.