Sometimes I feel like death is the only way..

Topics related to physical, emotional and psychological forms of pain and suffering

Sometimes I feel like death is the only way..

Postby freedompresence » Sun Aug 09, 2015 7:59 am

I apologize if this post may be irritating to anyone. It is sort of a rant. But today I feel like it's one of those days, which I experience from time to time, throwing away everything that I built. I was diagnosed with childhood PTSD and had anger and depression problems in the past. But then I'll "try" hard to "build up" or do things to avoid "destruction" from happening, and I'll be good for awhile and feel like everything's good and things are heading in a positive direction, then slowly something creeps up and booms and throws away everything I've built. It's like whole different "evil" takes over me and I become a different person and sees nothing but "pain, hurt, anger, insecurity, destruction," and I just wanna "destroy and cause pain to other close to me." Then I'm taken over by immense guilt. And no matter what I always feel like I'm carrying this big burden through out my life. Deep down inside I always carry this burden even those days I feel like things are very light and things seem so hopeful at peace...And often I fantasize about somehow giving all this energy and express all pent up emotion out, using up every bit of energy at the end, and explode,,and die and be at peace..sometimes I feel like that's the only way I'll be at peace....Blowing up my last minute giving all I got, every last bit of energy...and that weight I've been carrying in my heart....BOOM!!! and be at peace....and disappear into nothingness...

God this pain and guilt I feel at the moment,,,how I gotta build up everything I destroyed...ONCE AGAIN...and keep walking uphill trying to figure out...how to solve this problem if it ever will be solved....

I feel so bad....and feel like such a F*&* up for hurting someone I love the most...

I just wanna find ways so I don't have to ever do this again....it's like a monster takes over me....

If I suffer alone then yeah....but why do I have to be like this...
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Re: Sometimes I feel like death is the only way..

Postby Webwanderer » Sun Aug 09, 2015 5:34 pm

freedompresence wrote:....but why do I have to be like this...

I suspect it's because you don't have good feel for who you really are. The good news is you don't 'have' to be this way. We have lots of beliefs and concepts and identifiers for who we are, but it's a clear 'feel' for who we are that helps us create a preferable experience of our life. Beliefs, concepts and identifiers are manifestations in their own right, but a clear feel for our actual being, unencumbered with adopted thought constructs, brings our natural vibration of source consciousness and being to the fore.

We are eternal life expressions exploring a temporary life conditions for the purpose of evolution of that greater consciousness and being. It is through consistent opening to the clarity and feel of our true nature that the accumulated BS of human life gives way to that greater perspective.

It seems apparent that you, like most of us at one time in our life, are simply caught in an entrainment of misaligned thought constructs. These are obviously causing you a lot of concern, and rightly so. Experiencing life this way sucks. The way out, and into a much more manageable and enjoyable life, is to make a permanent choice to ever 'feel' your way to your true nature and being. It won't necessarily change over night, but in time the positive change will be profound.

This is likely going to be a back and forth thing for some time where you will think it's not working, I'm screwed up, there's something wrong with me, and a whole host of crap that an established misalignment can claim. It's BS. The truth will set you free but you have to have an affinity for it, and that comes through our willingness to feel it out. You are not your thoughts. You are Source's very on consciousness and being expressed through an exploratory life form in this physical reality. Take the long view and constantly choose for your true nature.

It's not just a mental thing however. It's a felt reality that underlies and transcends whatever challenging life experience you currently have going. It's a choice. It's your choice. But you have to choose today, tomorrow, everyday. In time a new paradigm and momentum will emerge. Then it will be a new life experience that has its own energy, an energy that will bring more joy and happiness to your life. But don't simply try,choose for it.

WW
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