afraid of being lonely without love

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afraid of being lonely without love

Postby Cristina » Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:10 am

Hi all,

I am afraid of being lonely all my live without love.
I mean love as a relationship...sometimes I meet some people, but never a real love. All the time I like the person and ther other person does not like me back. I never had a real love...nobody really liked me even if only for 1 day.
Just unfair, I think.
It is really difficult to accept.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby dijmart » Thu Feb 04, 2016 5:27 am

Try match.com, my sister recently joined and has had many emails that have turned into dates. With one guy inpreticular she's going on her 4th date with him this friday. So, guess it's the thing people are doing now? I've been married a long time, so I can't relate. Most of the time I wish I had more alone time...lol. Have a relationship, lose your freedom. Have your freedom, lose the intamacy of a relationship....it's a zero sum game. As james Swartz would say.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby Cristina » Thu Feb 04, 2016 5:29 pm

thanks dijmart,
but i am talking about real love or at least someone who really likes me.
sometimes I meet a person, but even when I am related to this person, I know he does not like me like I do. I've never had this kind of relationship where the person take care of you, call to see if you are ok...think about you, think about doing things with you...the relationships I had, the person was Always depressed...and want to spent some time with me but nothing special, with no plans to do something or to see if im ok. I had just superficial relationships. I've tried with all my heart to do everything right. I am a loving person but I do not know why this always happens to me.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby dijmart » Thu Feb 04, 2016 10:43 pm

I was suggesting something so that you can meet more people and hopefully "find" what you're looking for, but if wallowing in self pity is your thing..no problem...I just don't cater to that now a days.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby Cristina » Fri Feb 05, 2016 12:17 am

thank you.
I know it is a self pity...i can see it.
But it is difficult to ignore it, because the love feeling is commom for all, at least one time in life, a person can find someone to love and this feeling is reciprocated no matter if it will take one day or years.
Im am talking about it...but thank you anyway.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby dijmart » Fri Feb 05, 2016 3:27 am

You can seek what you want without pitying yourself in the mean time. It just hasn't happened "yet" for you. That's why if it's important to you you should be proactive in meeting more people that are looking for what you're looking for, hmmm something like match.com?? Yep, I said it again! My sister hasn't had more then 2 dates in 6 years until she went on match.com now she's going on a date or 2 each week! Now she's met a guy she really likes and their on their 4th date tonight actually.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby Nilson » Thu Apr 07, 2016 11:56 am

Will it be helpful to realize that perhaps what you believe (e.g not having someone to love you) may not be as real as you believe it to be, but it rather only feels that way ?

Its apparent that we all make representations in our minds regarding what is "out there", taking that to be a reality. But our minds are only map-makers. We craft a representation of what we think the world really is like, and always forget that the map is not the territory

Perhaps what would be helpful, is to ask yourself the following: "Am i really unlovable, or am i only seeing a part of many possible alternatives to what can be true about me and the people around me?". Test your belief, and try to see of you can find examples, however little, of experiences and events that might have contradicted them. Maybe there was an experience where someome was kind to you or showed you romantic attention, before your mind quickly dismissed it and called it "an illusion".

I feel this is a good way to regain some clarity of judgement and a sense of possibility all over again. And try to be present to the moment to moment reality, so that you can be more receptive to what arises. It might just surprise you!
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby meetjoeblack » Mon Nov 14, 2016 6:20 pm

Cristina wrote:Hi all,

I am afraid of being lonely all my live without love.
I mean love as a relationship...sometimes I meet some people, but never a real love. All the time I like the person and ther other person does not like me back. I never had a real love...nobody really liked me even if only for 1 day.
Just unfair, I think.
It is really difficult to accept.


Me either. To avoid that, I started doing pickup. For someone with so much anxieties, it takes a lot to talk to people, and to actually find the confidence to approach. My intentions were good. If you think about social narratives, "don't talk to strangers" is a common theme I needed to work on undoing. Needless to say, its been a series of blunders, and headaches at times but, I dated more. Still, there is that part in me that feels like loneliness is ongoing. What I am working on is coming from a place of abundance rather than neediness. In my youth as a teen, I was always that beta male provider type and it never went well. If I were honest, it led to resentment and resistance as I got older beginning to date more. Its like there was this party, couples, relationships, sex, and for a good portion of my life, I was never invited despite my best efforts.

My advice to you is to go on a journey of self discovery. With approaching, it takes absolute courage, confidence, and fearlessness. If you like somebody, a lot of times, people come on too strong, reek of neediness, and unlike movies, its not attractive especially as a guy with a weak frame. I am genuinely interested so, I approach but, it doesn't guarantee anything. Some girls will give numbers. Some will text or send pics and then, I don't hear from them for a long time. What comes out is that, they were "busy" but as experience would show or they later reveal, they met somebody and it did not workout. Again, it creates resentment and resistance. More importantly, I watch most of my life, many girls when young and beautiful trade in their time with jerks or assholes. A lot of times, I meet girls with kids or in some not so good situation. It further inputs that feeling of resistance. In my teens, I would buy flowers and pay for dates. The girls would be out sleeping with guys that wouldn't return their calls. Many a times, girls I would have dated back in high school or college are interested now. It bugs me but, I have no interest anymore. Girls I would have married without a second thought. I see now and they are single moms, alone, and are struggling to find a good guy.

Cristina, continue to put your feelings out there. Put out genuine interest. Practice meditation. Maybe go workout. Lots of guys workout. Its better to meet in real life then online dating imho. Don't just let rejection sting and hurt. Let it inspire you. I may never get married or have children. When I leave this world, I will look back, and not regret because I lived at my edge. I really liked david Deidas work and Anthony Robbins. Dan Millman is a great author too. It helps but, nobody can give you a route in life. We can only give pointers on what has helped up.

It sucks. Friends and family are married with kids. As a child, I would have thought I would be by now but, likely, I would have been cheated on or divorced. I was so beta. I was a good guy but most of what I thought it was to be a man or date, male responsibilities were all things I got from social conditioning. Meditate on the pain. Be inspired.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby dijmart » Wed Nov 16, 2016 4:43 am

Mjb,
I'm truly very sorry for what you have suffered, I feel the hurt and pain this has caused you. You can only do your best and let the chips fall where they will, but you have a good heart, follow it.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby meetjoeblack » Thu Nov 17, 2016 3:16 am

dijmart wrote:Try match.com, my sister recently joined and has had many emails that have turned into dates. With one guy inpreticular she's going on her 4th date with him this friday. So, guess it's the thing people are doing now? I've been married a long time, so I can't relate. Most of the time I wish I had more alone time...lol. Have a relationship, lose your freedom. Have your freedom, lose the intamacy of a relationship....it's a zero sum game. As james Swartz would say.


I approached on girl or my buddy. She liked me. We ran into one another. Later found out, her mom paid for a dating site for her to find a bf. It did not workout for us. Her mom kept her from her father. She always needed a bf and it got scary for me to be honest. It was too much neediness and I have a lot of anxiety as is. It really created more for me. I heard a few good success stories but, things like tinder are dreadful unless you are photogenic lol
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby dijmart » Thu Nov 17, 2016 4:48 am

meetjoeblack wrote:
dijmart wrote:Try match.com, my sister recently joined and has had many emails that have turned into dates. With one guy inpreticular she's going on her 4th date with him this friday. So, guess it's the thing people are doing now? I've been married a long time, so I can't relate. Most of the time I wish I had more alone time...lol. Have a relationship, lose your freedom. Have your freedom, lose the intamacy of a relationship....it's a zero sum game. As james Swartz would say.


I approached on girl or my buddy. She liked me. We ran into one another. Later found out, her mom paid for a dating site for her to find a bf. It did not workout for us. Her mom kept her from her father. She always needed a bf and it got scary for me to be honest. It was too much neediness and I have a lot of anxiety as is. It really created more for me. I heard a few good success stories but, things like tinder are dreadful unless you are photogenic lol


Honestly, no matter where you meet someone it's a crap shoot, it could work or not, that's life. I met my husband at a nightclub when I snuck in at 17, he was 21..lol. That was in 1988, we just had our 25th wedding anniversary in August...so you never know.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Nov 18, 2016 2:29 am

dijmart wrote:
Honestly, no matter where you meet someone it's a crap shoot, it could work or not, that's life. I met my husband at a nightclub when I snuck in at 17, he was 21..lol. That was in 1988, we just had our 25th wedding anniversary in August...so you never know.


Thanks. I prefer to just let things happen naturally. Leave it to the universe you know? Its hard cause, there are always insecurities, you do not always feel like talking to people, and taking a chance. I don't fear rejection. There is a part of me that fears failure though. Still, I would regret never getting married, having a wife, children, anniversaries, and going through this world alone. Then again, we all do just some are fortunate to find someone to take the journey with. I have met some girls. I watched a Stefan Molyneux video on youtube. He said that, "relationships make you more of what you already are." It does not fix you. With that said, its what I am reading reality transurfing, ecky, Millman, Robbins, and others. It is still very challenging at times.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby dijmart » Fri Nov 18, 2016 4:30 am

Actually, I just went to the club to dance with my friend, in a real nightclub whhooooo! I had just broken up with a boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs, so wasn't even remotely looking for a new guy. But, he came walking onto the dance floor asking me for "private" dance lessons ( I am a great dancer...hahaha), which I found amusing, the rest is history, as they say.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Nov 18, 2016 5:38 am

dijmart wrote:Actually, I just went to the club to dance with my friend, in a real nightclub whhooooo! I had just broken up with a boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs, so wasn't even remotely looking for a new guy. But, he came walking onto the dance floor asking me for "private" dance lessons ( I am a great dancer...hahaha), which I found amusing, the rest is history, as they say.


It sounds cheesy but I like those stories. The world is full of crazy news, terrorism, trump, and something awful. Its nice to hear about someone finding a little happiness and starting a family. I always took that as the norm and without question. Given my own suffering, I wonder if I should knowing that, if they were to endure and experience like I have, if they had a choice, they could say whether or not they want to be. With having kids, they have no say. Its something I thought about. Again, I like your story.
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Re: afraid of being lonely without love

Postby dijmart » Fri Nov 18, 2016 5:55 am

Ok, well, actually what happened is he came out to the dance floor and said "can I get some private dance lessons", I said "It can be arranged", then danced away. Again when I danced by him the next time he walked out and said "what's you're number?", I gave it to him and danced away. Later, I danced by him again, he came on the dance floor again and said "whats your name?"...lol!!!

As far as suffering..since then which was 1988, I've had my fair share, for sure! See the other thread to you.
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