It is "crazy" for me to think you went through all that. You are pretty, you have a good job, a family, what sounds to me as a good life.
Thanks, yes, my life is good now, but for whatever reason I had to go through a lot of pain and suffering prior to getting here. I probably wouldn't have awoken if not for all the suffering, so it had its place in the grand scheme of it all. If you look at it from that point of view, then it was worth it. If looked at from the "little me" perspective, then it seems unfair and unjust, but it is what it is. All you can do is move forward. Looking back is a bit odd for me, because although I lived through it all, it doesn't feel like it happened to me. I'm not the same person anymore, I don't think the same as I once did. Actually, im the one observing the one that is thinking.
I am taking the advice you gave about enjoying my freedom. I watch a lot of videos online for motivation. One was saying to "be your own soulmate." I heard this before.
Nice, yeah, there's only "you" really, awareness. Might as well enjoy what you have vs. thinking, I'll be happy when....this, that and the other happens. Some people never learn how to enjoy their own company and always "need" to be with other people or dating someone to feel okay.
I heard Allan Watts say, the secret to life is to be fully present, engaged in the here and now, and instead of view what you do as work; view it as play.
Essentially, you can never not be present and here/now, never. It's just whether or not you understand this...that you, awareness, pervade everything that is within you. That presents itself to you. So, it's your "attention" that needs to shift back and forth from the "person" channel vs the "witness" channel depending on what is happening. Although, at the same time knowing, regardless what channel your attention is focused, you are the very awareness itself that this shifting appears in/to.
I have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. Then, there is insecurities, feelings of shame or bad experiences that affect self worth.
It's thoughs "OH MY GOD!!!!! What IF....." thoughts that can cause anxiety. The ego does this type of thinking, because it thinks it's a limited, little person and has to try to figure every thing out that it's worried about. It starts this with the premise that it's trying to "work out" a problem and before you know it your in full blown panic! There's a certain amount of acceptance that needs to happen when thinking about the future, that we don't actually have "control" of the results of our actions. We can put forth our best efforts to get what we want, but it's not a guarantee we will get it.
I wonder to like if I am doing a lot for the better, what is it that makes this happen but then, it is just a thought loop and ego. It makes me mad. Then I let go or I try to lol
Thought loops happen, just ask Ashley. However, it's deeper then that, it's because you don't really know who you are and what comes with not knowing is insecurities about life and this "apparent" person you are associated with feels like a small, insignificant peon...when truly you are awareness, as I've been saying. You'll get there, sooner or later, this life or one of the next..... we all get there eventually.
Take what you like and leave the rest.