I have a very strong urge to think and talk about the past and 'with people in the past'. My mad behavior needs no external trigger. When I wake up in the morning, I am immediately trapped in my rumination, compulsive thinking and talking. Sometimes I am muttering to myself in the supermarket or on the street. I am German and I live in a foreign country where not many people speak German; but sometimes when I'm muttering in public, a stranger recognizes my German and then for example he asks 'Wie geht's?' ('How are you?'), and then I wake up and realize that I have been trapped in the past again, which is funny but also shocking.
The content of my compulsive memories are dialogues with other people. My mind projects itself into those situations in the past, relives the dialogues, and then I start to talk to those people in the past, discuss with them, as if I were in the past, as if those people were in front of me; it feels very real, but those situations happened ten years ago. I have tried to solve this problem with SSRI drugs, but they make me tired and I cannot work anymore. So I read the “The Power of Now”. So I learned conscious presence is the key, being the watcher of my thought patterns and emotions, making those thought patterns and mechanics of the mind conscious, being present as the witnessing consciousness.
Well, sometimes this works, but I always have those soundbites in my head, people from the past talking to me in my head, and then my voice automatically reacts and I answer to those people as if they were actually in front of me. I have to be very alert not to react automatically, not to answer, but to stay present. It is almost impossible to stay present enough all the time. I wish there was a trick to to cut the link between those compulsive memories (soundbites) and the habitual reaction (answering, talking) once and for all.
Maybe I should do it consciously...... Maybe I should go on a bus or on a train and then consciously behave like a really mad person, talk to myself, loud and clear... Maybe if I consciously embarrass myself in public, then my consciousness and subconsciousness will grasp the madness and insanity of this kind of self-talk once and for all... What do you think?