A touch of Madness

Topics related to physical, emotional and psychological forms of pain and suffering
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dijmart
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A touch of Madness

Post by dijmart » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:16 pm

For those who don't know, I have Bipolar II. It's been well controlled for several years with medication, until the last few months. Despite the medication, the illness had relapsed, all things spiritual meant nothing and hypomania had taken over.

My thoughts and behaviors became erratic but euphoric. I maintained just enough sanity to continue to work haphazardly and function, but I was living a double life where my craziest hypomanic behavior was hidden from those that knew me well...but, it didn't go totally unnoticed. Hormone imbalance was first suspected...I'm getting to "that" age, so great, nothing to do, but wait it out.

The slippery slope of hypomania had me enjoying it's grip and wanting more, so the last thing I wanted was to see my psychiatrist and find out this was for sure hypomania, not hormones.....oh no, no, no!

I would occasionally come here and read posts I had written in the past... thinking, how could I have written this? I don't even understand this right now?

I didnt want the euphoria to end, so I lied to my doctor, I didnt want him increasing my meds. During hypomania/mania your judgement is altered and often not whats best for you. However a few weeks later, the enjoyment ended and the dark side of hypomania emerged, as it always does and I called my doc at that point begging for an increase in my meds to stop it.

So, right now, im 2 weeks into medication changes, having mood swings from stopping the antidepressant, but coming down from hypomania with the extra meds he's prescribed.

There are usually causalities during a bipolar episode. This time is no different. The biggest is I lost a friend. I could have lost more then that, so I'm thankful I guess. All you can do is hope people will understand you were ill, but not many do. No real point to this...just a tiny glimpse within the mind of madness.

Peace,

Dij
Last edited by dijmart on Fri Dec 15, 2017 5:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

steve Davidson
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by steve Davidson » Fri Dec 15, 2017 4:20 am

Hi Dij, thank you for sharing your honest post. Sorry things are happening as they are right now in your life, with these ups and downs. I am amazed at your ability to know and describe though what is going on with you and your honesty about it. The brain/body is a amazing thing, and when functioning properly things seem somewhat okay, but when there is a malfunction or imbalance or whatever you want to call it, things can sure go astray. Like if one has a tumor in the brain, for instance, you are not quite the same person you were, and you cannot help it. I hope those around you have compassion and understanding for what you are going through, experiencing right now. I am sorry you lost a friend right now, but hopefully when this passes and you become more stabilized again, in balance, things can possibly restored or gone back to.

Hang in there and ride this out, and hopefully you can return to your healthy state soon. And even within the mind of madness, there is some sanity :-)

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turiya
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by turiya » Fri Dec 15, 2017 7:09 am

Thanks for sharing, dijmart.

Life can definitely seem to be a roller coaster ride at times... Sometimes it's fun... Other times it scares the living sh*t out of you. :lol: ..... :shock:

But, however strong any momentary madness appears to be, we (as Awareness) are infinitely stronger...

Madness can only ever be momentary/temporary, whereas we are eternal.

Madness can only ever appear to be... yet we are!

(So, take that, Madness! 8) )... jk

................................................................................................................................
All you can do is hope people will understand you were ill, but not many do.
For the many who don't... Lack-of-Understanding is their illness. :wink:
“We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather are we Reality itself illusorily conceived.” - Wei Wu Wei

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Onceler
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by Onceler » Fri Dec 15, 2017 12:39 pm

Hey dijmart,

Thanks for the honesty, always a gift. I’m glad you’re off the roller coaster and back on firm ground!
Be present, be pleasant.

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rachMiel
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by rachMiel » Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:12 pm

Great replies! :-)

Sorry to hear of your suffering, dij. Plenty of that going around! Glad you're feeling better.

You might be interested to hear I'm taking Pass 2 through Advaita. (My first pass was a few years back.) Reading some great books, sliding back into the feel of Advaita-flavored nondualism. (Ya know, one taste ... heheheheheh.) It's a beautiful thing, like a coming home ... deep home. :-)
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

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dijmart
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by dijmart » Fri Dec 15, 2017 4:10 pm

Thanks for the replies. I will try to answer/reply to each one later...

Onceler wrote:Hey dijmart,

Thanks for the honesty, always a gift. I’m glad you’re off the roller coaster and back on firm ground!

Thanks for the reply. To clarify, I'm not off the roller coaster, not yet. Still having mood swings from stopping the antidepressant (as directed) and the increased medication is slowly bringing down the hypomania, but it's not completely gone. So, firm ground, no...but firmer, yes. Still feel like I'm walking on jello, that hasn't fully firmed up yet. It's really hard to describe!
Take what you like and leave the rest.

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dijmart
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by dijmart » Fri Dec 15, 2017 9:08 pm

Hi Steve,
I am amazed at your ability to know and describe though what is going on with you and your honesty about it.
Well, I've tried to be pretty honest about it, it can only potentially help someone else if I tell the truth. Of course, there are details I will not share here, because they are too embarrassing and/or very private, so I'm not comfortable doing so.

If I had bipolar 1, I may not have much insight into the illness, as that's the more severe form, that can include delusions and hallucinations. So far I haven't been diagnosed with that.
even within the mind of madness, there is some sanity
Yes, some...lol...thanks.


Hi Turiya,

I like your avatar, right now it signifies two things for me when I look at it. The two faces of bipolar (manic-depression) and the two faces of the astrology sign Gemini, which I am as well!
Madness can only ever be momentary/temporary, whereas we are eternal.

Madness can only ever appear to be... yet we are!
Yeah, a few months of it, certainly does a number on the old brain cells!

Anyways, what you wrote sounds like something I wouldve said.... :) ...several months ago!



Hi RM,

Thanks for your reply. How's ur back pain?
You might be interested to hear I'm taking Pass 2 through Advaita.

Yes, thanks for sharing that. What books are you reading? ... Are they making sense to you?
Take what you like and leave the rest.

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rachMiel
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by rachMiel » Fri Dec 15, 2017 9:41 pm

dijmart wrote:Hi RM,

Thanks for your reply. How's ur back pain?
Still there. Sciatica can take long time to heal, and I'm not a good candidate for surgery (it would only weaken the discs more). I'm learning to live (contentedly) with it. It's hard ... physical pain is a bitchofa teacher. There's no fooling yourself when it rears its painful head.
You might be interested to hear I'm taking Pass 2 through Advaita.
Yes, thanks for sharing that. What books are you reading? ... Are they making sense to you?
I'm reading an Introduction to Vedanta by Dr. Sadananda to get back in touch with the basics. And then I'm going to dive into Dennis Waite's new book, A-U-M: Awakening to Reality, a translation of the Mandukya Upanishad with a commentary by Gaudapada. (Per Wikipedia: It is "the one Upanishad that alone is sufficient for knowledge to gain moksha.") Dennis and Dr. Sadananda have agreed to help me out when I get confused or have questions/comments. So I have the desire, the teachings, and the teachers. Exciting! And I'm sooooooooooo grateful I have something worthwhile to do while I am pretty much housebound due to pain, with no clear end in sight.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

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dijmart
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by dijmart » Fri Dec 15, 2017 10:12 pm

Hi RM,

Oh crap, your housebound, thats pretty bad, ouch! Do they recommend physical therapy? My specialty is home health care. If they recommend PT and you are relatively homebound you would qualify, under your insurance, for HHC- PT to come to your home and work with you. Just tell your MD you want HHC set up and they can call and give the orders to whatever agency you'd like or they work with.

Anyways, definately sounds like you have a plan and a good book to dig into when youve got the basics down again. I'll tell you, imo, desire is a huge part of it, huge! Without the desire youd never open the book to begin with.... I seemed to lose all desire. However, I thought I uncovered the "end" or conclusion. So, to me, there was nothing else to know.

Good luck with it all.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

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rachMiel
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by rachMiel » Fri Dec 15, 2017 10:22 pm

Thanks. :-)

I'm not "officially" housebound. I can walk quite well (just not fast or long), can drive to nearby places, etc. It's just that staying put (most of the time in front of a computer) minimizes the pain.

I have a ridiculously sensitive neuromuscular system ... always have ... and sciatica thrives on that. "Yum yum!" (Sound of the Sciatica Demon munching on my pain, loving it!)
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

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dijmart
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by dijmart » Fri Dec 15, 2017 10:52 pm

Ohh, I see. My sister has 2 pain syndrome's (fibromyalgia and RSD), she also gets chronic neck/back pain- she fell out of a tree when she was young and fractured some vertebrae in her back and neck. She takes narcotics daily to control all the pain, she gets them from a pain doc she sees monthly. Ya got to do, what you got to do! She has a 12 yr old she has to keep up with....

I've never had sciatica. I know it sucks! I wonder if a lidocaine patch on your back side would help at all? They can come in sheets and you cut how much you need. My sister uses them on her foot for nerve pain. Just a thought.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

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rachMiel
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by rachMiel » Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:13 pm

dijmart wrote:Ohh, I see. My sister has 2 pain syndrome's (fibromyalgia and RSD), she also gets chronic neck/back pain- she fell out of a tree when she was young and fractured some vertebrae in her back and neck. She takes narcotics daily to control all the pain, she gets them from a pain doc she sees monthly. Ya got to do, what you got to do! She has a 12 yr old she has to keep up with....

I've never had sciatica. I know it sucks! I wonder if a lidocaine patch on your back side would help at all? They can come in sheets and you cut how much you need. My sister uses them on her foot for nerve pain. Just a thought.
It might help. I've used cayenne and salicylate patches ... both feel good (burny!) but neither do much of anything. I've had a few inflamed nerve thingies before ... I know the cycle well. It's like OCD of a nerve, it just won't let go long enough to get back to normal. I mean it eventually does, but it takes way longer than for most people. Meds help ... but the help is masking, not healing. It's a vicious cycle, it is, and I'm right at the center of it. (I AM it!)
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...

runstrails
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by runstrails » Sat Dec 16, 2017 5:12 am

Hi Dij,
Sorry to hear that you had a relapse. Sounds like a rough ride over the last few months. Hopefully the meds will get it under control soon.

And don't discount the hormonal stuff either. I'm in that same 'certain age' bracket and I'm just amazed at the emotional volatility that I see in myself (which sometimes leads to questionable decision making). Crazy stuff!

Hang in there. This too shall pass (hopefully soon :D).
rt

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dijmart
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by dijmart » Sat Dec 16, 2017 5:25 am

Thanks RT,
Yeah, well, during the past few months I did get hot flashes and missed a period for the first time, so of course I thought it was hormones. However, even if hormones were involved, it really wasn't the full picture. In the beginning I was having a grand ole time though (hypomanic and ok I'll say it...hypersexual). I think it was the perfect storm of hormones and hypomania. The chicken or the egg.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

runstrails
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Re: A touch of Madness

Post by runstrails » Sat Dec 16, 2017 5:49 am

Yes that does sound like more than hormones. Glad you saw that and chose to get treatment. Be watchful of any depression that may be lurking around the corner too.

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