Don’t deserve to be happy?

Topics related to physical, emotional and psychological forms of pain and suffering
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izniz23
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Don’t deserve to be happy?

Post by izniz23 » Sun Sep 09, 2018 7:12 am

I have started reading the Power of Now after many years of living unconsciously and have really been putting alot of effort in watching the thinker. Im having some issues and really need some advice. Here is a little background of my life. Sorry if this is dragged out, but I really want to paint a full picture.

5-14 years old
Good student, shy, always wanted to feel “cool”, but didn’t ,even though everyone always liked me as I was always known as such a nice kid. I remember at this early age negative thoughts starting which caused my life to spiral out of control in the years to come.

15-19
Hated myself, negative thoughts always, started getting messed up daily to try to kill the inner pain and at the same time show that i was cool, took on a persona that i would fight anyone to break the nice guy image, no longer the nice guy but now the drunk crazy guy.At the time it worked i had a bunch friends but when I look back I see how unhealthy those.Through these years I did many things that I am so ashamed of doing, the pain I put my parents through, the people I hurt, the name I had made for myself for acting the ways I did.

20-24
Started to grow up and enter the real world, my past choices made growing up hard, worked dead end jobs, continued to drink excessively, hung with some really shady people, had excessive one night stands , but always felt like I wasnt good enough for anyone so never had any real relationships, hurt numerous girls because they liked me, but I would sleep with them and not call again. Not because I was trying to be a jerk but because I felt I was doing them a favor by not dealing with a piece of garbage like me, dropped the crazy guy persona and tried to find myself, felt that I had really screwed up any chance I had at having a good life, got a DWI.

25- now
Realized I needed to start over, actually got a good job somehow, got married, started a family. On the outside everything looked good but inside my negative thinking had taken full control. Always telling myself Im a phony and if my wife, kids , or anybody else I knew really knew the person I was in the past and the hurtful, shameful ways i have acted they would be disgusted with me.

This is where the problem for me lies. I have spent years trying to improve myself and be a great husband and Dad , but there is so much shame in myself that I carry from my past. Everytime I look at my kids and think how much I love them the thinker enters and reminds me of the horrible person I was and if my kids really knew me they would be so ashamed. There are moments in meditation and with being in the present that I start to feel so amazing , but the thinker always puts a stop to that when I start feeling too happy. Im reminded about what a piece of garbage I was and I ask myself why do I deserve happiness. I truly feel like I want to reach the point where I can leave the past in the past, but my real question is do I even deserve that when I have been such a bad person. Im never going to stop trying because I want my kids to have the best role model they can, but I feel like such a phony because I feel like Im living a lie. Thank you for reading. Im not the best with putting things into words, but I really needed to get this out.
Last edited by izniz23 on Tue Sep 11, 2018 5:23 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Webwanderer
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Re: Don’t deserve to be happy?

Post by Webwanderer » Sun Sep 09, 2018 4:03 pm

I have spent years trying to improve myself and be a great husband and Dad , but there is so much shame in myself thst I carry from my past. Everytime I look at my kids and think how much I love them the thinker enters and reminds me of the horrible person I was and if my kids really knew me they would be so ashamed. There are moments in meditation and with being in the present that I start to feel so amazing , but the thinker always puts a stop to that when I start feeling too happy. Im reminded about what a piece of shit I was and I ask myself why do I deserve happiness. I truly feel like I want to reach the point where I can leave the past in the past, but my real question is do I even deserve that when I have been such a bad person. Im never going to stop trying because I want my kids to have the best role model they can, but I feel like such a phony because I feel like Im living a lie. Thank you for reading.

Welcome to the forum. Contraction or expansion? That's our choice, either by design or by default. Curiously, at this level, both have value. (That's an expansive realization by the way. It can go a long way in relieving our self judgment.) We live in a limited perspective of our own true nature. That's by design of the Greater Designer for this human experience. That perspective can be expanded however, or it can be ever more limiting. We get to choose - again, either by design or by default.

The thinker is a subtle creature that loves to live in its own identity. Thoughts coalesce around emotions and create beliefs that are adopted as identifications. Then we live them as experiential reality. The good news is that they can make us stronger - and it's infinitely helpful in raising our children. They are subject to the same mistakes as you. Having lived it yourself, you can relate to their trials of growth and development and be of help to them in ways you could not had you not yourself lived it.

In many ways your difficulties can be a gift to them if you make use of your own experience to help them rather than tear yourself down because of a past you had to figure out on your own. Consider yourself a trailblazer in challenging human experience, an education that can be passed on to your children if done wisely. So often people live in their own self-judgment and abuse their children as a misguided effort to keep them from making the same mistakes. Be an experienced guide, not an authoritarian. Use your experience in the context of appreciation. It has great value and can be a great gift to you, your family, and life itself.

WW

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turiya
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Re: Don’t deserve to be happy?

Post by turiya » Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:49 pm

Be Present and forgive yourself. (Or, more accurately: Be present and see/feel/realize the forgiveness and unconditional love that naturally arises from Presence.)

You were unconscious in the past. You couldn't have acted differently at that time. Don't make an identity for yourself out of your past actions and then beat yourself up for them.

A short Eckhart video about "guilt trips":

https://www.eckharttollenow.com/s/va80yg

"Nobody can act beyond their level of consciousness" ~Eckhart Tolle
“We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather are we Reality itself illusorily conceived.” - Wei Wu Wei

izniz23
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Re: Don’t deserve to be happy?

Post by izniz23 » Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:33 am

I wanted to truly say thank you to both of you forvtaking your time out to give me a response. Just putting this out there for others to hear was a freeing experience. I’ve kept all thses feelings bottled up for a long time. I mean it when I say just because of the advice I was just given I feel like I can forgive myself and continue my journey forward. Thank you again.

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turiya
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Re: Don’t deserve to be happy?

Post by turiya » Mon Sep 10, 2018 11:01 pm

izniz23 wrote:
Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:33 am
Just putting this out there for others to hear was a freeing experience. I’ve kept all thses feelings bottled up for a long time.
Yes, it's very freeing. :D I think it's because Ego always wants to keep suffering/pain/guilt hidden and highly personal. It survives by feeding off the idea, "This is MY separate and personal pain. I'm the only one with this pain. Nobody else has this. It's MINE!! And nobody will understand if I show this to them. They'll just judge me, shun me, mock me, take advantage of me, etc. "... Ego stays alive and in control with these kinds of thoughts.

But, when you "expose your wounds" to others, Ego can't do anything but dissolve in the light of Awareness, which gives rise to the feeling of freedom.

(Maybe this is how the whole idea of "confession" in Catholicism got started?... I don't know.)
“We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather are we Reality itself illusorily conceived.” - Wei Wu Wei

AwakeTheCat
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Re: Don’t deserve to be happy?

Post by AwakeTheCat » Wed Sep 12, 2018 10:49 pm

Webwanderer wrote:
Sun Sep 09, 2018 4:03 pm
The thinker is a subtle creature that loves to live in its own identity. Thoughts coalesce around emotions and create beliefs that are adopted as identifications. Then we live them as experiential reality. The good news is that they can make us stronger - and it's infinitely helpful in raising our children. They are subject to the same mistakes as you. Having lived it yourself, you can relate to their trials of growth and development and be of help to them in ways you could not had you not yourself lived it.

In many ways your difficulties can be a gift to them if you make use of your own experience to help them rather than tear yourself down because of a past you had to figure out on your own. Consider yourself a trailblazer in challenging human experience, an education that can be passed on to your children if done wisely. So often people live in their own self-judgment and abuse their children as a misguided effort to keep them from making the same mistakes. Be an experienced guide, not an authoritarian. Use your experience in the context of appreciation. It has great value and can be a great gift to you, your family, and life itself.
That's some seriously good stuff here. Thanks, WW.

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Webwanderer
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Re: Don’t deserve to be happy?

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Sep 12, 2018 11:25 pm

Thanks Cat. I can certainly relate to izniz' concerns. The crap I did in my early years... Wow. The only thing that saves me from an enormous gilt trip is viewing it from a larger perspective. I can't change it, but I can continue to learn from it, and occasionally make use of it in a variety of ways. Sometimes it's just sharing the insight when the time is right. It's really nice to have an out from the guilt the ego is ever ready to use to strengthen itself.

WW

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