Topics related to physical, emotional and psychological forms of pain and suffering
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First forgive me for my bad English. I hope that you will understand me. I was always very shy guy, very self critical and anxious. At the end of high school i started smoking and drinking alcohol and went into slight depression. To let go of depression i found on net some practices like Law of Attraction and Eckhart Tolle teachings. I already felt slight guilt because of destroying my body with cigarettes and because i was always a good guy and now i was doing some unmoral acts. After some experiences with Law of Attraction it seemed to be true for me. But now problem was my fear of lung cancer and my negative way of thinking so i became very fearful that i will attract cancer to myself and i completely adopted that "magical" way of thinking like if i think bad thoughts i will experience bad things. It caused me to deny my negative emotions and created HELL for me. I started to supress my thoughts. To find relief from that suffering i tried to meditate but it only worsened my condition. And then after reading Power of Now i felt very heavy guilt because when he talks about ego i understand that ego is myself and i started to see myself in negative way ( very heavy guilt ). So now i feel very guilty for having a ego, i hate myself i suffer alot. Intelectualy i understand that i cannot be guilty for being myself but my mind is contantly producing heavy negative thougths like ego is illusion, you are illusion, everything is unreal, self does not exist ( very painful feeling after that thought ). I started to deny and reject myself and feel completely brainwashed. I wish i never heard of E.T. PLEASE HELP ME. I WANT ECKHART TOLLE OUT OF MY MIND I WANT LOA OUT AND TO RETURN TO MY NORMLAL RATIONAL THINKING. I am suffering for 5 years it destroyed my young years ( 20 - 25 ) of life . I lost all my friends because i lost my personality out of heavy suffering. I could not smile nor cry. Only heavy guilt and negative thoughts form E.T. I also know that it is my pain body which feeds on word from E.T. but i cant overcome it. I tried everything. i feel so hopeless. Imagine 5 years of pure suffering everyday, unable to sleep, unable to enyoj life like before. WHat i can do. I went to psyhiyatrist many times but he could not help me. i refused to take meds.