Anxiety for specific people

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Anxiety for specific people

Postby EyesWideShut » Wed Sep 02, 2009 10:05 pm

Dear all,

I stumbled upon this forum after typing "Eckhart Tolle forum" on google and amazingly there was one. I feel that after reading a few posts this is the place where I might get the answers I need to continue. I have read both the PON and ANE and am working hard to observe my ego and become aware, but I am pretty stuck on the following:

I used to live with a bunch of guys, during this time I experienced a burn-out and didnt have the physical nor mental ability to put up my boundaries, which made them walk over me. They harassed me, manipulated me etc etc.

When I eventually moved out of this house, I became extremely scared to encounter these people and anyone involved with them. This fear stood with me all day and night. I went to several psychologists but none of them could really help me. I then went into depression, took medication, went to several institutes and got a bit better.

I am now off the medication and I think i dont have a depression anymore. Still the anxiety to encounter these people is recurring. I have analyzed it a million times and I think the fear I have is I dont know what to do when I actually bump into one of these people. For them nothing happened, I just moved out and thats it, so most likely they will want to talk to me and ask me why I moved out and not join in on their reunions and such. I know this is a future projection, but im positive they will. I am scared to tell them, that I dont want to talk to them anymore.

Anyway, when I walk in the city, I am so alert if I see one of them. I used to avoid places where I thought they could be. Im trying to break this barrier and actually go to these places.

Where am I going? Im not sure, I guess Id want to hear that someone has had a similar anxiety and that it could fade or even be non existant.

I am studying Eckhart a lot and watching this future projection in my head, but im not convinced that it would ever go away. It is not as strong as it was before, but still the thought about meeting them comes up a lot of times. I try to observe it and become aware, then the next minute, my mind goes "What was it that I that I was worrying about, oh yeah meeting them". This happens in a split second. I try now to not judge it, but it does freak me out that its such a strong pattern.

Is the only way to breakthrough to actually meet these people? I am so anxious to do that.

Thanks in advance,
EyesWideShut
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby Onceler » Thu Sep 03, 2009 2:31 am

The fear seems to be not out there with them, but inside with you. I don't think it relevant that you meet them again, just deal/accept what is in you, what is in all of us.
Be present, be pleasant.
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby Sighclone » Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:43 am

Welcome, EWS -

Get a copy of "The Sedona Method." abebooks.com will likely be the cheapest, if you care. Read it. Use that technique, as much as necessary to clear this obstacle. You clear it by fully owning it, by the way, fully owning any and all feelings that surface, fully embracing them and inviting them in...as the first step. Much like what ET says in both PON and ANE.

This is a little hiccup which you will get past - ie. empowering those people in the present and the memories of them in the past to have power over you.

Your ego has a story running "I am person who gets walked on. The guys abused me emotionally." From a nondual perspective, of course, that "you" is the "little you" (false self created by unconscious identification with the mind, ie this story.) The "Real You" is infinitely broader than the "little you."

Anyway, you can use a cognitive "releasing" technique to let this little historical event disappear forever. Moreover, if it arises again, you can banish it again until it won't ever surface. karmarider (a member here) has another technique on his website which others have found helpful -- works on a similar line.'

So does Byron Katie (thework.com) -- her book is "Loving What Is."

This will go away.

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby enigma » Thu Sep 03, 2009 7:07 am

Hi EWS
Interesting. It appears that, not only is it not a problem, but in your more 'lucid' moments, you're even aware it's not a problem, and yet it has been assigned the task of keeping you frightened. The question then becomes, why would you do that? How does it serve you to have a focus for your fear?

Ungrounded fear is what is typically referred to as anxiety. Once it is labeled with specifics, it's no longer anxiety, and it seems more manageable, although this is an illusion. It seems to be identified, and this gives the impression of being a problem that can be solved, but if the problem is not real, no solution can ever be found, and so you remain locked in opposition to an unreal fear.

One option is to meet with them and recognize that there was never a problem to begin with. The other option is to recognize there was never a problem to begin with, since you already know this to be the case. In either case, you'll likely be left with a genuine anxiety rather than a specific fear, but you can then approach your anxiety as it is rather than through the projection of a specific fear that has no foundation.
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby EyesWideShut » Thu Sep 03, 2009 10:26 am

Thank you for your responses. It is both funny and interesting for me to see you guys not bringing up the whole meeting them thing. You are looking at this from a deeper perspective and I respect that, but my mind doesnt. My mind wants to have control over what is going to happen when I meet them. My mind is afraid to be harsh to these people, because they prolly wouldnt understand why I am being harsh.

It feels like I am keeping this fear alive, because then I can say when this fear is over I can be completely happy. It is not even a real fear anymore, more like a thought pattern. If I go into the pattern without becoming aware, I start to get anxious. I read this in ANE and realized that I was doing the same, yet it seems too strong. For some days it is not an issue and then it arises again.

I know I shouldnt think about what is going to happen in the future, but my mind so desperately wants to have control over what happens, and maybe even more important, I want to handle it perfectly...

Is it wrong to ask you guys what I should do if I meet them, or is that my ego talking?

Again thanks for taking the time to respond.

EyesWideShut

p.s. I will buy a copy of the sedona method.
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby Sighclone » Thu Sep 03, 2009 5:00 pm

There is an issue in the past. There is a fear of some meeting in the future. What about the present moment? When you meet them it will be in "the present moment." Practice staying present with comfort and stillness, then when you meet them, it will just be a casual meeting, not full of baggage, just an event in the present. Like everything else.

Your mind actually does not control the present moment...usually egoic minds resist the NOW. When you stabilize in Presence, all past baggage will cease to drag you around, not just these people, but other stuff which your "poor, angry little me" can load up with energy to keep you chasing your tail.

Also get a copy of the Eckhart Tolle CDs: "Gateways to NOW" and the audio version of "Stillness Speaks." Spend a month or two with these -- see what happens.

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby Webwanderer » Fri Sep 04, 2009 12:33 am

EyesWideShut,

Ask yourself this question: Are you afraid of what they may do should you meet them? Or are you afraid that you may not be able to cope with what may happen? The first step in overcoming this fear that you hold on to is getting clear on what it is.

WW
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby Ananda » Fri Sep 04, 2009 1:47 am

EyesWideShut wrote:Thank you for your responses. It is both funny and interesting for me to see you guys not bringing up the whole meeting them thing. You are looking at this from a deeper perspective and I respect that, but my mind doesnt. My mind wants to have control over what is going to happen when I meet them. My mind is afraid to be harsh to these people, because they prolly wouldnt understand why I am being harsh.

It feels like I am keeping this fear alive, because then I can say when this fear is over I can be completely happy. It is not even a real fear anymore, more like a thought pattern. If I go into the pattern without becoming aware, I start to get anxious. I read this in ANE and realized that I was doing the same, yet it seems too strong. For some days it is not an issue and then it arises again.

I know I shouldnt think about what is going to happen in the future, but my mind so desperately wants to have control over what happens, and maybe even more important, I want to handle it perfectly...

Is it wrong to ask you guys what I should do if I meet them, or is that my ego talking?

Again thanks for taking the time to respond.

EyesWideShut

p.s. I will buy a copy of the sedona method.


Who is it that notices the mind saying all these things and making up all these stories? Who is it that notices the habits and projections and memories that the mind brings up? It's you, right?

So, when you notice the mind being troublesome, take your attention away from the mind and put it on yourself, the one who notices the mind. Notice who it is that's noticing the mind!

If you can just pry your attention away from thoughts for one moment and put in onto yourself you will know that you are not thoughts, not the thinker of thoughts! Once this is done, you will never again confuse yourself with those pesky thoughts, and all of this rubbish and anxiety around other people will only exist in the content of thoughts, a story and nothing more!
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby EyesWideShut » Sun Sep 06, 2009 5:51 pm

Webwanderer wrote:EyesWideShut,

Ask yourself this question: Are you afraid of what they may do should you meet them? Or are you afraid that you may not be able to cope with what may happen? The first step in overcoming this fear that you hold on to is getting clear on what it is.

WW



Hi WW,

I have thought about it, and the answer is, im afraid of what they may do should i meet them.

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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby Webwanderer » Sun Sep 06, 2009 10:39 pm

EyesWideShut wrote:
Webwanderer wrote:EyesWideShut,

Ask yourself this question: Are you afraid of what they may do should you meet them? Or are you afraid that you may not be able to cope with what may happen? The first step in overcoming this fear that you hold on to is getting clear on what it is.

WW



Hi WW,

I have thought about it, and the answer is, im afraid of what they may do should i meet them.

EyesWideShut


A good start. As fear generally comes from imagining possibilities, what do you imagine they might do? And how did you come to that concern?

WW
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby student2u » Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:34 am

What if you challenge or face your fear and do exactly what you fear for and see what happens? As we know, fear itself is worse than what we fear for and most of the time what we fear for wouldn't even happen but an illusion. Yet we suffer so much from such fearful thoughts...

With your awareness now, you may be able to "handle" those guys with no "problem" at all :wink: On the other hand, you have nothing to lose but learn something at least :)
The Truth is revealed when the mind is completely out of the way...
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby EyesWideShut » Mon Sep 07, 2009 12:57 pm

Webwanderer wrote:
EyesWideShut wrote:
Webwanderer wrote:EyesWideShut,

Ask yourself this question: Are you afraid of what they may do should you meet them? Or are you afraid that you may not be able to cope with what may happen? The first step in overcoming this fear that you hold on to is getting clear on what it is.

WW



Hi WW,

I have thought about it, and the answer is, im afraid of what they may do should i meet them.

EyesWideShut


A good start. As fear generally comes from imagining possibilities, what do you imagine they might do? And how did you come to that concern?

WW


A few things I imagine them to do:

1) Being overly friendly (since that is the culture in this kind of group)
2) Questioning me why I left the house and never go to reunions and such. (asking me for explanations)

Now, I find it very hard to be harsh to people in general, or tell people to back off. In this case I’d like to tell them I want nothing to do with them, but I am afraid that they don’t understand it and that they think its weird. (Strangely this is truth). I guess you could say I was a “pleaser” at first, and now slowly I’m trying to change that.

Eckhart does not talk about personal boundaries or assertiveness in any of his books right? I mean with just being aware, are these things not necessary?

Also, it’s a close community, so if I tell one to back off, the word spreads fast and I am afraid that I will turn many people against me. I’m afraid of repercussions.

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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby Webwanderer » Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:55 pm

EyesWideShut wrote:A few things I imagine them to do:

1) Being overly friendly (since that is the culture in this kind of group)
2) Questioning me why I left the house and never go to reunions and such. (asking me for explanations)

Now, I find it very hard to be harsh to people in general, or tell people to back off. In this case I’d like to tell them I want nothing to do with them, but I am afraid that they don’t understand it and that they think its weird. (Strangely this is truth). I guess you could say I was a “pleaser” at first, and now slowly I’m trying to change that.

Eckhart does not talk about personal boundaries or assertiveness in any of his books right? I mean with just being aware, are these things not necessary?

Also, it’s a close community, so if I tell one to back off, the word spreads fast and I am afraid that I will turn many people against me. I’m afraid of repercussions.

EyesWideShut


1) So, are you afraid you will succumb to their friendliness and rejoin their group?

2) Do you fear you cannot answer their potential questions honestly, that your response would likely be harsh, and that to do so makes you uncomfortable?

Now, I find it very hard to be harsh to people in general, or tell people to back off. In this case I’d like to tell them I want nothing to do with them, but I am afraid that they don’t understand it and that they think its weird. (Strangely this is truth). I guess you could say I was a “pleaser” at first, and now slowly I’m trying to change that.

Can you see how this statement reveals more about you fearing your response than their actions?

And does it really matter that they may think you are "weird"? Does such thinking alter the truth one iota of who/what you genuinely are? Would you rather live in the truth, or the false imaginings of another's thoughts?

Why would you feel the need to be "harsh" in your response? Are you angry at them? Are you angry at yourself? Could you not just tell them your time with them was a great learning experience, but now it's time for you to move on and become more independent? You could look at your time there with a sense of gratitude for the lessons learned yet be steadfast in your decision to move on. There may be a time to say back off, but that would be if they become over bearing in their actions. Trust your inner guidance. If you have made the decision final, their is nothing they can do that would change that. You can choose to wish them well and move on in freedom.

WW
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby EyesWideShut » Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:58 pm

Thanks for the time WW.

1) Yes, maybe. Its not so much about rejoining them, but more that I might get overly friendly towards them as well. Which I dont want.

2) I think I want to be harsh, because I am indeed angry with them. And it feels that only if I tell them that I want nothing to do with them, I succeed the test of putting up boundaries. I hope im making sense here. It feels like if im answering their questions honestly, I have to justify myself, which I am quite sick of doing.

Being harsh, or tell people to back off, makes me indeed quite uncomfortable.... Even telling someone honestly that I have no interest in talking to them, makes me uncomfortable... I think because im afraid of what their reaction might be (what if they ask me "why not") and that they wont let me get away with my answer.

I hope you get what im saying, its quite hard to put it into words :)

EWS
Last edited by EyesWideShut on Mon Sep 07, 2009 4:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Anxiety for specific people

Postby Marcel Franke » Mon Sep 07, 2009 4:09 pm

Then stop now ?
---ooOoo---
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