Lonely and Single

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Lonely and Single

Postby Cherrywood38 » Tue May 11, 2010 6:28 pm

My pursuit of spirituality has always been fueled by my having never experienced romantic love. I'm amazed at how few resources or even discussion there is of this in books or online. It's as if very few people encounter this form of suffering in life, or everyone is very reluctant to discuss it. Even the spiritual teachers, relationship advice-givers, and psychiatrists I study hardly ever mention it, usually only when penned down by a questioner, and then they only briefly deal with it superficially and move on. And friends are no use, because when I confide in them or ask for their help, they just use the opportunity to grandstand themselves and just toss me useless platitudes which don't help.
I realize that suffering is the fire that compels us to become more aware and in that way serves a very noble purpose. And I realize that complaining about being lonely and single is definitely the realm of the ego and petty when viewed with any perspective, I'm just trying to be honest about what my particular pain is. I realize that if I could just not think these thoughts then I wouldn't experience this pain, and yet the thoughts are constantly triggered by seeing attractive women, couples, and even random unrelated thoughts. Of course I've tried to "get in the game" and get the relationship I want, but for whatever reasons it just hasn't happened. And I've thrown myself into spiritual/philosophical study to try and go beyond the ego and these petty troubling emotions, but none of my intensive study has seemed to bring about any major transformations yet.
My "problem" is basically threefold: how to deal with the intense feelings of unfulfilled sexual desire, how to deal with my loneliness, and how to stop comparing myself to others love lives or feel like I'm missing out on something great. The sexual desire I have no idea how to deal with because it's not even thought, it just comes in to the picture as animal instinct, I try to stay present with it... that's about all I can do. Loneliness I understand is fundamental to human existence, is a result of ego identification, and affects everyone, even those who get the relationships they want. So that might be the deepest aspect of it... and as far as comparing, I wonder that even if I could end these thoughts and not feel these emotions anymore, I'd still feel like there was this state of being out there called romantic love that everyone agrees can be this beautiful aspect of life that I still never experienced, not to mention being surrounded by couples, or having a partner in life, having children, etc... It's no help that even the spiritual teachers I follow are in relationships, or are revealed to have had hidden mistresses when they die!
I'd appreciate any suggestions, anecdotes, or thoughts anyone has. Thanks.
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby Sighclone » Tue May 11, 2010 6:53 pm

Welcome Cherrywood. Below is an essay by Adyashanti, one of our favorite nondual authors...on relationships. May I also recommend "Toward a Psychology of Awakening" by John Welwood -- the last third of that book addresses this topic, which I agree is not commonly approached.

Namaste,

Andy

* * * * * * *

The Heart of Relationship, by Adyashanti

Awakening to the truth of perfect Unity, means to awaken from the dream of a personal self and personal others to the realization that there is no other. Many spiritual seekers have had glimpses of the absolute unity of all existence, but few are capable of or willing to live up to the many challenging implications inherent in that revelation. The revelation of perfect unity, that there is no other, is a realization of the ultimate impersonality of all that seems to be so very personal. Applying this realization to the arena of personal relationships is something that most seekers find extremely challenging, and is the number one reason why so many seekers never come completely to rest in the freedom of the Self Absolute. Inherent in the revelation of perfect unity is the realization that there is no personal me, no personal other, and therefore no personal relationships. Coming to terms with the challenging implications of this stunning realization is something that few people are willing to do. Because realizing the true impersonality of all that seems so personal, challenges every aspect of the illusion of a separate, personal self. It challenges the entire structure of personal relationships which are born of needs, wants, and expectations. It is in the arena of personal relationships that the illusion of a separate self clings most tenaciously and insidiously. Indeed, there is nothing that derails more spiritual seekers than the grasping at and attaching to personal relationships.

The revelation of perfect unity reveals the true impersonality of all relationships. The ego always interprets “impersonal” as meaning cold, distant, and aloof. However, “impersonal” simply means not personal, or void of a separate me and a separate you. The mind cannot comprehend of a relationship without separate entities. Much as a character in a dream cannot comprehend that all other dream characters are simply manifestations of the same dreamer. Yet when the dreamer awakens, he instantly comprehends that the entire dream, and all the characters in it, were none other than projections of his own self. In the dream there is the appearance of separate, personal entities in relationship, but upon awakening one comprehends the impersonal (non-separate) Self that is the source of all appearances.

To deeply inquire into the question “Who is another?” can lead to the direct experience that the other is one’s own Self - that in fact there is no other. However, I have seen that for most seekers, even this direct experiential revelation is not enough to transform the painfully personal ways they relate. To come to this profound transformation requires a very deep investigation into the implications inherent within the experiential revelation that there is no other. It is in the daily living of these implications that most seekers fail. Why? Because, fundamentally, most people want to remain separate and in control. Simply put, most people want to keep dreaming that they are special, unique, and separate, more than they want to wake up to the perfect unity of an Unknown which leaves no room from any separation from the whole.

There is a powerful tendency in most spiritual seekers to avoid probing deeply into the implications inherent within profound spiritual experience and revelation, because these implications are always threatening to the sense of a separate self, or ego. It is the implications inherent within profound spiritual revelation that demand the transformation of the apparent individual.

Inherent within the revelation of perfect unity is the realization that there is no other. The implications of this realization reveal that in order to manifest that unity in the relative world, one must renounce the dream of being a separate self seeking to obtain anything through relationship with another. Indeed, personal relationship appears to happen in the relative world, but in reality, all appearances simply arise as temporary manifestations of a unified whole. In the relative world these appearances are in relationship, but not as separate entities. Rather, they are the play of the one Self projecting itself as apparent entities in relationship to one another.

As long as you identify yourself with the projection of separateness, you will continue to deny that you are the Source of all projections. When you truly and absolutely awaken to this fact, and comprehend the overwhelming implications inherent within this awakening, you will continually experience that all apparently personal relationships are in truth nothing other than the play of your Self. To realize that the personal me is an illusion born of false identification with the body, thoughts, and emotions, brings a profound sense of freedom. This is fundamentally the realization of emptiness, of what you are not. But contained within the realization of emptiness (formlessness) is also the realization of what you ARE. In the most absolute sense you ARE this conscious emptiness which is the source of all appearances (existence). But you are the appearance as well. Not just one part of the appearance called “me”, but all of it , the entire whole. This is the challenge, to let your view get this vast. To let your view get so vast that your identity disappears. Then you realize that there is no other, and there is nothing personal going on.

Contrary to the way the ego will view such a realization, it is in reality the birth of true love. A love which is free of all boundaries and fear. To the ego such uncontaminated love is unbearable in its intimacy. When there is no clear separating boundaries and nothing to gain the ego becomes disinterested, angry, or frightened. In a love where there is no other there is nowhere to hide, no one to control, and nothing to gain. It is the coming together of appearances in the beautiful dance of the SELF called Love.

To the seeker who is sincere, an experiential glimpse of this possibility is not enough. If you are sincere you will find it within yourself to go far beyond any glimpse. You will find within your Self the courage to let go of the known and dive deeply into the Unknown heart of a mystery that calls you only to itself.

Adyashanti, posted to AdyashantiSatsang by Bob O’Hearn

From NDHighlights Digest Number 1475
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby Ralph » Tue May 11, 2010 7:39 pm

Hi Cherrywood, ...here is a little more reading material that may help you. This one is from Osho in one of his talks on Compassion and Relationships.

Compassion and the Enlightened Person

The word 'compassion" is beautiful .It is made out of the same word as "passion" .When passion is transformed ,when the desire to seek and search for the other is no more there ,when you are enough unto yourself ,when you don't need anybody ,when the very desire for the other has evaporated ,when you are utterly happy blissful , just being alone ,then passion becomes compassion .Now you don’t' seek the other because you feel empty and lonely ; now you seek the other because you are too full and you would like to share .


The enlightened person also seeks the other just as the unenlightened person seeks , but there is a qualitative difference .The unenlightened person seeks the other because he feels a negative nothingness in him .Left alone he does not feel aloneness , he feels loneliness .The enlightened also seeks the other for the simple reason that somebody had to be found with whom he could share .But now it is not a need , hence he will not compromise .It is not a need ,hence he will not possess .It is not a need , in fact it is just the opposite of it ; it is abundance .It is not a need , it is overflowing joy .When there is overflowing love it is compassion .
Passion arises out of negative nothingness and compassion arises out of positive nothingness .



Loneliness and aloneness

Loneliness is a state of mind when you are constantly missing the other , aloneness is the state of mind when you are constantly delighted in yourself .Loneliness is miserable , aloneness is blissful .Loneliness is always worried ,missing something ,hankering for something , desiring for something ; aloneness is a deep fulfillment ,not going out , tremendously content , happy , celebrating .In loneliness you are off centre , in aloneness you are centered and rooted .


Loneliness and relationships

Now if you move into a relationship when you are feeling lonely ,then you will exploit the other .The other will become a means to satisfy you .You will use the other , and everybody resents being used because no man is here to become a means for anybody else .Every man is an end unto himself .Nobody is here to be used like a thing ,everybody is here to be worshipped like a king .Nobody is here to fulfill anybody else's expectations ,everybody if here just to be himself .

So whenever you move in any relationship out of loneliness ,the relationship is already on the rocks .Even before it has started ,it is already on the rocks .Even before the birth ,the child is dead .It is going to create more misery for you .And remember , when you move from your loneliness you will fall in relationship with somebody who is in the same plight ,because no man who is really living his aloneness will be attracted towards you .You will be too below him .He can , at the most , sympathize ,but cannot love you .One who is on his peak of aloneness can only be attracted towards somebody who is also alone .So whenever you move out of loneliness , you will find a man of the same type ; you will find your own reflection somewhere .Two beggars will meet , two miserable people meet , it is not an ordinary addition ,it is a multiplication .They create much more misery for each other than they could have created in their loneliness .



What is the solution for the same ?

First become alone .First start enjoying yourself .First become so authentically happy that if nobody comes it doesn't matter ; you are full , overflowing .If nobody knocks at your door it is perfectly fine - you are not missing .You are not waiting for somebody to come and knock at the door .You are at home .If somebody comes , good , beautiful .If nobody comes , that too is beautiful and good .
Then move into a relationship .Now you move like a master , not like a beggar .And the person who has lived in his aloneness will always be attracted to another person who is also living his aloneness beautifully ,because the same attracts the same .When two masters meet --masters of their being , of their aloneness -- happiness is not just added , it is multiplied .It becomes a tremendous phenomenon of celebration .And they don't exploit ,they share .They don't use each other .Rather , on the contrary ,they both become one and enjoy the existence that surrounds them .


Compiled from various talks of Osho
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby olive » Thu May 13, 2010 7:04 am

Cherrywood38 wrote:My pursuit of spirituality has always been fueled by my having never experienced romantic love. I realize that suffering is the fire that compels us to become more aware and in that way serves a very noble purpose. And I realize that complaining about being lonely and single is definitely the realm of the ego and petty when viewed with any perspective, I'm just trying to be honest about what my particular pain is. I realize that if I could just not think these thoughts then I wouldn't experience this pain, and yet the thoughts are constantly triggered by seeing attractive women, couples, and even random unrelated thoughts. Of course I've tried to "get in the game" and get the relationship I want, but for whatever reasons it just hasn't happened. And I've thrown myself into spiritual/philosophical study to try and go beyond the ego and these petty troubling emotions, but none of my intensive study has seemed to bring about any major transformations yet.


cherrywood,

I've been living under this attitude for more than 10 years. The lesson I learned from all these sufferings is that trying to deny my need for romance/intimacy by pursuing a higher goal (whether it's philosophy, spirituality, or "go beyond the ego") does not work. Aversion is simply another form of attachment. The very distinction of "higher" and "lower" is division and duality. All is one and all is love.

In my case my loneliness is mainly caused by my severe social anxiety/awkwardness, which began to decrease only after I started to understand and practice nonduality. I sometimes visualize this spiritual development as a long labber (or a mountain) leading to heaven, and while most people are in the middle of it I'm near the bottom because of the many social and psychological problems I grew up with.

I have experienced a tremendous amount of pain, and I surely know how bad this loneliness thing can get, for there were times when I had almost no friend. I thought that because of my philosophical/spiritual knowledge/pursuit, I was somehow "noble", "high up", and above others. This was arrogance (=ego+ignorance) and it was very very costly. In retrospect, if I were not trapped in the "pursuing a higher goal" mentality I could surely have had romantic relationships. Please do not repeat my mistake. Find a counselor or friend to help you. I hope you will soon find a great romantic relationship.
Realization must be amidst all the turmoils of life. ~Ramana Maharshi
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby Cherrywood38 » Thu May 13, 2010 6:16 pm

Thank you so very much everyone.
Andy, I checked out the Welwood book you recommended, and I read the third section. I think it will come in handy if I do at some point get involved with someone, as it's main focus is on making an existing relationship into a vehicle for expanding consciousness, and the challenges involved in relationships as they bring out the worst in our egos. Hopefully I can read it with a partner and put it use someday.
However, I also checked out another book by Welwood while I was at the library that I think is more pertinent to my situation, it's called "Perfect love, Imperfect relationships". (I think it is pretty new). The subtitle is: Healing the wound of the heart. And I was blown away just by something he said in the introduction. It's a section called "Love and Grievance" p.14. I'd like to quote some excerpts from it:
"My desire to understand how love's gold turns into lead forced me to take a long, hard look at GRIEVANCE... something in me found great satisfaction in setting up an other and then making this other wrong while I stood in righteous judgment... there was something about harboring a grievance that was quite compelling...as I sifted through the layers of my own grievances I recognized an old sense of not belonging to this world... there was an undeniable longing that was humbling when I faced it: at the root of everything I did, what I most wanted was to love and be loved... at the bottom of my grievance I discovered a dark, hidden corner of myself that didn't trust love.. i saw where this grievance took root, in a place where I stood pitted against a world that didn't seem friendly... the same resentment that poisons the whole world...
It became clear that all these grievances were all the same complaint: you don't love me as I am. this is the universal wound that fuels our fight with the world... For reasons we could not fathom other people, God, or life itself seemed to be depriving us of the recognition and understanding we instinctively knew we needed in order to thrive. This was maddening. We knew that love was rightfully ours and that we needed to be at one with it. SOMEONE WAS SURELY TO BLAME! So we formed a grievance against other people or life itself for not providing the love we needed, or against ourselves for not having suceeded at winning that love."
Wow.. he really hit the nail on the head for me with this one section in the introduction, can't wait to read the whole book! I realized reading that that my real agony comes from my "grievance story", thinking about how unfair it is that I don't have love. I realize that this is the poisonous snake I must drop immeadeatly. It's not that society has wronged me>I feel pain> I have a justified grievance, it's more that I hold a grievance>that causes me pain>that I reflect back onto society. Just a section or two later Welwood was going into a case study of a man who "had no trouble finding attractive female partners"... I felt a resentment shoot into me immeadeatly and wanted to throw the book or email Welwood and say "Hey! what about me!" and then I realized: there's my grievance. Let that go... let that go...
I know love truly comes from within, hopefully I can find it.


Olive I appreciate your post for it's honesty and realism. I think you are right, true spiritual work cannot be a veiled attempt to escape from loneliness. I've heard it said by some people that the way west (therapy) and east (spiritual quest) complement each other is that one should sort of "get one's house in order" and then transcend it. Of course, if it weren't for our particular pain, why would any of us be drawn to the spiritual path? I have a friend who is good looking, talented, has silly-levels of success in everything he tries, all the women he wants, spends all day just swimming and writing songs, etc.. it's enough to make you throw up! He's completely stuck on himself and I'm always trying to show him how ego-centric he is but I realize I'm really just trying to knock him down out of jealousy, hey he's happy, why would he seek the spiritual path?
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby spikyface » Thu May 13, 2010 6:48 pm

I know love truly comes from within, hopefully I can find it


What is love?

It's a question most people in your situation don't like to think about but if you can truly grasp what love is, then you'll have all the answers you seek

Ultimately, you ARE love, you don't need to go find it or make it happen, just let go of your "self" long enough to let it shine through

Does that make sense?
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby Sighclone » Thu May 13, 2010 10:29 pm

Ultimately, you ARE love, you don't need to go find it or make it happen, just let go of your "self" long enough to let it shine through


very nice, spiky... :)

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby olive » Fri May 14, 2010 5:28 am

Cherrywood38 wrote: It's not that society has wronged me>I feel pain> I have a justified grievance, it's more that I hold a grievance>that causes me pain>that I reflect back onto society.

Olive I appreciate your post for it's honesty and realism. I think you are right, true spiritual work cannot be a veiled attempt to escape from loneliness. I've heard it said by some people that the way west (therapy) and east (spiritual quest) complement each other is that one should sort of "get one's house in order" and then transcend it. Of course, if it weren't for our particular pain, why would any of us be drawn to the spiritual path? I have a friend who is good looking, talented, has silly-levels of success in everything he tries, all the women he wants, spends all day just swimming and writing songs, etc.. it's enough to make you throw up! He's completely stuck on himself and I'm always trying to show him how ego-centric he is but I realize I'm really just trying to knock him down out of jealousy, hey he's happy, why would he seek the spiritual path?


Yes I agree. I often say I turned a big circle back to where I started. The grievance is in me and I have to deal with that. Sometimes I think people like your friends are really enlighted people in disguise. Spirituality is for those of us who are in trouble :wink:
Realization must be amidst all the turmoils of life. ~Ramana Maharshi
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby Sighclone » Fri May 14, 2010 6:24 am

Cherrywood - Thanks for the pointer to Welwood's other book -- I just ordered it, 2005 publication. The "not trusting love" part sounds pretty old, i.e. learned very early in life for some (say with a distant or even abusive mother?!?).

Success in the world of form gets old, I think...cars and money and swimming notwithstanding... :(

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby spikyface » Fri May 14, 2010 4:11 pm

Sometimes I think people like your friends are really enlightened people in disguise


Indeed, we all are, being present/aware/conscious means looking beyond a person's disguise and letting go of our own disguise at the same time
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby Cherrywood38 » Sat May 15, 2010 2:43 am

spikyface wrote:
I know love truly comes from within, hopefully I can find it


What is love?

It's a question most people in your situation don't like to think about but if you can truly grasp what love is, then you'll have all the answers you seek

Ultimately, you ARE love, you don't need to go find it or make it happen, just let go of your "self" long enough to let it shine through

Does that make sense?


Yeah, that makes sense. I realize deeply that love is really just consciousness recognizing itself from one of its forms beholding another of it's forms, signaling to us the ultimate truth. In fact, I was thinking last night how tragically ironic it is that we are the causes of, and the solution to, each other's suffering. The cause due to being the society that encourages the creation of walled-off egos that become disconnected from Being, and then not getting the connection we need due to all the egos, becoming wounded and then wounding others with our negativity stemming from our own woundedness. and the solution when we provide the connection to others, and go beyond our own wounds and egos to connect back to Being.

I'm going to focus more on the ego-level neurosis of my pangs of loneliness I get shocked with from time when I see women or couples, which is just my pain-body being activated by old sad story tapes that get the play button pushed, and then keeping watch out for the grievance story following behind. This is all knee-jerk reflex for me, almost separate from any deep realization about the true nature of love.

Thanks again everyone for your comments!
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby Sergeant Troy » Sat May 15, 2010 4:44 am

Hi guys, I just found this forum, but didn't expect to find a thread that summed up my problems as well as one of the doubts I had about spiritual teachings. There is seemingly scant attention paid to the problem of romantic relationships (or the lack of them) and how they correlate with the ego, or with presence and being.

I am 32 years old and have dealt with social anxiety (severe shyness if you like) for my entire life. I have never had a relationship. I have covered this up with depression, anti depressant medication, and some therapy in 2005 and generally finding futile hobbies and pursuits, as well as a lifestyle of complete avoidance. I went for therapy again in 2010, and during the last session with the therapist he gave me a copy of "The Power of Now".

I know that my ego is involved and that some part of me is bitter and resentful, but I cannot put a finger on it. When I was about 20 a girl I was somewhat attracted to basically asked me out, but I turned her down in a polite kind of way. This masked a profund sense of bitterness I felt towards her when she asked me out. Somehow she had provoked my ego and feelings that I did not know I had came out strongly. After it happened I could only think that I hold some kind of resentment against women i am attracted to as my ego has generalised that other people reject, and despise me on some level.

In the last few months after reading Tolle I try to dispute these ideas and the ego with some meditation, but the feelings of being unworthy or inferior are still there. I guess I have a choice in how I choose to view the world with my conscious mind. I am trying to change my sense of reality and view the world as a friendly place and not as hostile and threatening. It is difficult living in a city with other egos walking round with their own baggage.

Anyway, my issue is this. I find it hard to reject the emotional pain / suicidal thoughts that come from my hoplessness about my lack of a romantic relationships or the possibility I will never have one. I just don't see how I can accept this possibility. I don't see how my need for intimacy and love is purely an egoic desire. I sincerely believe there is something more to be attained from bonding with someone emotionally, and to dismiss the pain and depression I feel by accepting my lonely situation would be to accept that i do not need a relationship. I just can't find it within myself to do so.

For the last few weeks I had been doing OK reading Tolle, and my Paul McKenna book on visualising. However in the last week I did not have so much time to myself. Today everything went pear shaped. I had a small argument which awoke my pain body. I then felt like some kind of reject. When I see people going to clubs and bars to bond with the opposite sex I immediately feel suicidal and have violent thoughts as well due to my lack of assertiveness which is another issue.

I could go into my childhood and give details as to why i got messed up, but I don't think it is important here. My issue is really to find out how I am supposed to be passive and accept my loneliness, lack of intimacy and love, when I cannot see that the need for bonding with someone is disposable. This is leading me to feel that the frustration, depression, and suicidal thoughts have a place somewhere in my mind because I cannot really justify letting go of that vicious circle of need for someone to bond with and the pain of loneliness.
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby olive » Sat May 15, 2010 7:43 am

For a long time I thought that to be spiritual was to be passive. This is totally false.

Ramana Maharshi said, "The sage is characterized by eternal and intense activity. His stillness is like the apparent stillness of a fast rotating top... people generally mistake stillness to be intertness. It is not so."
Realization must be amidst all the turmoils of life. ~Ramana Maharshi
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby spikyface » Sat May 15, 2010 1:45 pm

Hello there Sergeant Troy, welcome to the forum

Acceptance doesn't mean you resign yourself to believing that your future will be the same as your past. In truth, no-one knows what the future holds

It means you mentally and emotionally accept whatever your situation is BUT you can still strive to improve it

E.g. if your car gets a flat tyre, you accept that you have a flat tyre. You don't rage against the cruel fate that you were unlucky enough to get a flat tyre. You accept that the tyre is flat and needs to be changed and then go about changing it

Not all relationships stem from egoic wanting

There is a difference between wanting to be with someone because you think they have something that you need and the pull to connect with another human being

Eckhart summed it up quite nicely in A New Earth, it went something like this:

"
What is commonly called "falling in love" is in most cases an intensification of egoic wanting and needing.

You become addicted to another person, or rather to your image of that person.

It has nothing to do with true love, which contains no wanting whatsoever.

The Spanish language is the most honest in regard to conventional notions of love: Te quiero means "I want you" as well as "I love you."

The other expression for "I love you", te amo, which does not have this ambiguity, is rarely used - perhaps because true love is just as rare.
"

It's rare to find authentic love as opposed to egoic wanting, but it does exist and spiritually it is a manifestation of the oneness within all things

However, unless you can accept yourself completely (love yourself), whenever someone else shows you love, you will reject it as it doesn't fit into your worldview

If your internal beliefs says that "No one will ever love me" and then someone comes along who genuinely DOES love you, then you'll find a way to rationalise rejecting it because to accept that love would undermine one of the foundational pillars of your identity, which is absolutely terrifying

It takes real courage to admit such a mistake and try to see past the illusion that you've lived with for so long

These thoughts/beliefs have a certain momentum to them, they will pull you back from consciousness every now and again, like today when everything went pear-shaped

You can accept these lapses too, they happen, it's ok
Remain present/aware/conscious and over time they become less frequent and less intense as the energy trapped in these patterns is slowly released
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within
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Re: Lonely and Single

Postby Sergeant Troy » Sun May 16, 2010 10:34 am

Hi guys, I have taken some time to type this as I am really trying to understand what is going on in my mind, which is difficult to take apart and put back together again in the form of words. I hope someone can make sense of what is going on, as I have recently reached a point of going through some low patches even after having read Tolle's book and am not sure where I stand.

Maybe because I do fear the future and can't let go of that fear, I am also accepting or requiring the past pain to exist as a very strong and urgent reference point. I do not accept that being in the now can be as complete and fulfilled a state without romantic love as it could be with romantic love and Tolle seems to be very patchy when writing on this issue. I strongly doubt I can find true fulfillment without romantic love. For this reason I have to fear never experiencing it. If this is true it would call into question the premise of Tolle's message - that we can reach this fulfilled state of being and that it is available to us all now. I am re-reading his book but am not sure I will find an answer to this.

It is therefore difficult for me to transmute my need for romantic love to something that is separate from being, and that
should be pursued only on the level of something that is non-important, egoic, or a side issue to being in the now without romantic love.

The other issue I have is that if I should give up fear of the future, then why should I have any intensity, frustration or
urgency of feeling about the opportunities for meeting a partner I might be missing out on in the present moment. I need a sense of urgency in order to push myself. If I am meant to live in the now with no fear of the future, why should I be motivated to summon up the very strong emotions I will need to tackle my issues on a day to day basis. Maybe this is the crux of the feeling I get. If the alternative to being frustrated about my lack of a romantic love is being and feeling the vibrational energy of a tree, I am not sure that the latter is of much use to me. It is like I need frustration, and it is difficult to have the frustration without the associated negative feelings that go with it.

As for self love. I just don't get it. I am working on some of Paul McKenna's self image visualisation exercises, but the
concept of self love is beyond me. I did raise it with my psychologist but we never really addressed it in detail. It means
nothing to me, and I don't see why I would love myself. I know I have loathed myself at times, but I still can't make sense of self love.
Sergeant Troy
 
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