Soon to be homeless but wait I'm not homeless at this moment

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Soon to be homeless but wait I'm not homeless at this moment

Postby radicalmommy » Sat May 22, 2010 7:03 pm

It is hard not to feel the fear and pain of this situation. My mother who was supposed to watch my children today so I could do a 4 hour job ( I'm a professional casino dealer but here in Texas I just work casino parties for entertainment) is drunk again and telling me that if I don't get out of her house right now she is going to call the police and have us thrown out. Being that the only vehicle we have belongs to my mother and we have no where to go and no money $14 is just too sad. My friend says that she can not throw us out and if she calls the cops they will take her to jail for being drunk and abusive.
So I am trying to be present. What problem is there right now? We are upstairs. We have food and drinks and each other. Still the sad story of "my crazy mother who never loved me and hates me and her grandchildren" tries to play. I am trying to just breathe into the pain of that right above my stomach without it's sad story. Breathing and breathing and crying too.
But wait, I am not homeless right now. Right now I am in a beautiful home. My mother is now passed out and sleeping. Staying in the moment. I am cooking hamburger helper for lunch and using a computer.
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Re: Soon to be homeless but wait I'm not homeless at this moment

Postby Sighclone » Sat May 22, 2010 7:59 pm

rm -Contact the local service agencies and find out what alternatives there are.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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Re: Soon to be homeless but wait I'm not homeless at this moment

Postby radicalmommy » Sun May 23, 2010 9:25 am

Local service agencies here are seriously not for us but I have a plan the will take us out of here in less than 3 weeks. I plan at that time to say my last goodbye. She wants us gone that is what she will get. I will take my time until then to say goodbye ( without words). I plan to stop all contact after that date, once and for all. The truth is I love her, she is my mother, but sometimes to love is to let go. I think she needs to be free. To not feel any responsibility for anyone else and that isn't wrong. I started running away when I was 13 because I thought she would be happier without me. It used to kill me inside that no one ever looked for me and I always came home on my own. Strangers would find me homeless and call my parents so they could have me back and they would tell them that I left on my own so if I wanted to come back it was up to me to make my way back as well.
Even then, I was blessed. Complete strangers put me on flights and buses home, most often men who never once abused or touched me. Once a stranger called and was told that same thing so I had to hitchhike from Hollywood, CA to Louisville,Ky and he dropped me off at the entrance to the highway home (I didn't know which way was up or down at 16 but I made it safely home in less than 36 hours) without incident.
Still I carried that memory with me throughout my life. (Oh you're back they said nonchalantly) They did not run to greet me and didn't seem to happy that I had returned. They were angry at me for what I had put them through and I was told to stay out of trouble if I wanted to live with them.
Being a mother myself, 2 boys ages 6 and 8, and a daughter age 7, I cannot fathom the events of the past. If I was ever separated from any of my children for any reason I would cut off my own limb, sell my soul, have sex with a stranger, with hundreds of strangers for money if I didn't have it to get my child back to safety. My mother said once she regretted what she did that my father had set down the rules, she had wanted to get me and she shouldn't have listened to him (at that time compared to most they were rich. The price for her to bring me home was less than she would pay for a new dress) but I'm a mother now of my own daughter and it just doesn't fly. If I had to choose between my own death and my daughter safety, I would die by any means.
So anyway, we are leaving and that will be the end of the story.
Andy, it may be hard and it may be easy. You have heard me. Thank you. I will continue to post but because I know you hear me, I will be less afraid.
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Re: Soon to be homeless but wait I'm not homeless at this moment

Postby Amritam » Sun May 23, 2010 4:21 pm

RM: I hope whereever it is you go, you will seek out social services for your kids. They will need counseling.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, married an alcoholic and have a drug addicted alcoholic son. Trust me, Al-Anon has been a life saver for me. I got the support that I needed and I found a love for myself that I didn't get growing up and that is the most important love.

Good luck to you RM. I feel for you. It's a rough road you're on.
To have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.~ Tilopa
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Re: Soon to be homeless but wait I'm not homeless at this moment

Postby BeyondTheMind » Thu May 27, 2010 9:05 am

Wow. I am sorry. Take care of yourself ok! And contact social services.
You WILL be ok! Big Hug! to you and your kids.
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