relationship advice

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relationship advice

Postby ongakublue » Mon Jul 12, 2010 1:23 pm

hello all

i want to share something with you now that i hope will bring some peace to others as it did for me. i have a difficult relationship with my father. as with so many people out there who have difficult relationships with parents. i went into psychotherapy and found little or no resolution of the hurt in me and the anger towards him in daily life.

my therapist is old-fashioned, in a way, she suggests that one should strike a pillow to get out the anger. this, however, i always questioned. the buddhist monk thich nhat hanh is good here (tolle has mentioned him too) that when anger comes then it is best to say 'hello, anger, my old friend' in a gentle way. if you befriend your emotions and give them space then your mind is less likely to crowd you with negative thoughts and resulting reactions. this is the first helpful part of the equation.

i found that anytime my dad said something critical, even of others, i would make it about me and start to think about the past hurt, about what i would say back to him etc. also i would often get so angry with him just sitting there in my thought-storm, that i would contradict him, right my corner, proove I am the one who is right etc. all the activities of the lil ole ego :)

how did i overcome this thing, eating away at out relationship for years? i now let go of everything he says that might be considered an attack. i don't defend now, i don't try to proove i am right, i don't analyse his behaviour or make judgements... as much as possible i just let it all go.

what has happened is a miracle.. we are opening up more to each other, i have more patience with him, less anger and less fear around him. i am not always approaching him on the defensive. these things take time but i assure you it works and gets easier. having looked long and hard at revenge and how it can destroy a person, how resentment is like a cancer, i have come to a new place.

i am still on this exploration and i am so glad to find this forum where i know people will understand what i mean and give me some support ;)

thanks for reading :)
ongakublue
 
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Re: relationship advice

Postby dijmart » Sat Jul 17, 2010 5:32 pm

i found that anytime my dad said something critical, even of others, i would make it about me and start to think about the past hurt, about what i would say back to him etc. also i would often get so angry with him just sitting there in my thought-storm, that i would contradict him, right my corner, proove I am the one who is right etc. all the activities of the lil ole ego


My father is a Narcissist and I told him a year ago that I was done with the relationship and not to contact me. He lives in another state, so I didn't see him often, but I found dealing with him exhausting and he treated my husband and son badly. I just couldn't allow his toxicity in my life any longer. Sometimes you have to cut ties with people even if they are family.

how did i overcome this thing, eating away at out relationship for years? i now let go of everything he says that might be considered an attack. i don't defend now, i don't try to proove i am right, i don't analyse his behaviour or make judgements... as much as possible i just let it all go.


Would you be able to sit back and allow him to criticize and attack your spouse or child? that's when it became intolerable for me, as a matter of fact I stopped speaking to him after he said something in regards to my son that was unforgivable.

Good Luck, I'm glad things are working out for you.
My comments are just food for thought.....
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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dijmart
 
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