Happy and Single

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Happy and Single

Postby Cherrywood38 » Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:54 pm

Just wanted to post a follow up to my previous thread. I've met and been on dates with about 7 or 8 women since I posted the first thread, and all of them have fizzled before they could become anything, which was depressing. But I decided over the weekend to just give up on dating. At first it was out of resignation, and I felt angry and bitter about it, like a "victim". But the last few days the resignation has become a liberation. I feel like all I've really given up on was a neurosis. Desiring Love, Sex, Companionship, all that is healthy, but in today's crazy dating scene, it can easily turn neurotic. True, I may never find anyone and live the rest of my life single, but I feel like that is a fair trade-off for being free of the distorted view my pursuit produced. And also, I have realized that the type of lightness of being and happiness and embracing of life I always felt I would achieve once I "solved" this problem is now available to me having just surrendered to it. I can feel clearly that the road to enlightenment is one of negation, not addition. It's clearing out obstacles to a NATURAL state of being. I can see attractive women as human beings now, and everyone else as equal human beings. I don't have an agenda, no axe to grind. I don't have to constantly try to improve myself or be someone else, I can just be whoever I am at the moment and not worry if it's "good enough". I can just move on with life and enjoy all the other things it has to offer. And I can save all the time and money I've been spending on dating. And get off of the roller coaster of hope and rejection. I would recommend this approach to anyone in a similar situation. And any thoughts or comments are welcome as well. Thanks!
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby Sighclone » Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:25 pm

To yield is to conquer. I can't think of how many times, when I was single, that just letting it all go preceded meeting someone very neat.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby spikyface » Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:31 pm

Good good, it's easier to be this way
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby great2be » Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:05 am

It's very common for singletons to get hung-up on finding someone. This hung-upness is very unattractive and makes finding someone even harder.
It's a common observation that people in happy relationships experience positive vibes from the opposite sex. This is because when one is at peace (or relatively so) then one becomes much more attractive to be around.
An imaginary seeker, seeking an imaginary goal.
Realise the nature of imagination and the fallacious effort ends.

Have you ever seen a dog chasing it's tail?

What happens when the dog runs faster?
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby Kae » Mon Aug 23, 2010 10:13 pm

Very interesting post, Cherrywood. I'm going through very similar things. It's been like this for me for a very long time, and I've had many many moments, where I've given up all the searching and stressing about being with someone. Then I get that peaceful feeling inside, and things flow more naturally. It still always come back.

At moments like that, I observe myself and see that I am
1. Yearning,
2. Impatient,
3. Even panicking on not getting what I want.

These are trademarks of the ego, so I know what's going on. Asking myself if I'm patient has recently become a way for me to check my level of presence. If I'm not, I'm stressing too much or wanting too much. Too much ego.

But one more thing though: I find that I can apply this to almost anything. Being patient, believing that all is provided for and everything is fine. But man, the sex drive is strong! :roll: It's something that I can't fully put to rest, trusting that what I need will come my way. I feel like I HAVE to go out there and get a girl. But then again, that doesn't work, cuz it doesn't just happen when you want it to. You need some patience there.

I find it hard to find the line between going with my natural drives and being patient. Ego and old pain are getting mixed up in there, for sure.

Any help or comments appreciated.
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby Cherrywood38 » Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:20 am

Kae wrote:the sex drive is strong! :roll: It's something that I can't fully put to rest, trusting that what I need will come my way. I feel like I HAVE to go out there and get a girl.


Yeah, I'm of the humble opinion that not having success in finding sex and love is the ultimate "life problem" that is virtually unresolvable. Like you said, with almost anything else surrender and acceptance are doable. But not with this. And consider this: Tolle has a girlfriend, Adyashanti is married, Andrew Cohen is married, even Krishnamurti had a secret mistress. I also think there is a reason that most spiritual teachers won't really get into it: there is no good solution. Same reason there are millions of advice columnists on how improve your relationship, but outside of the crappy "pick-up artist" guys there is virtually no one with good advice on how to actually get a relationship.
Being in the present moment certainly shows it all to be conditioning, and in the Now there is completeness already. But Eckhart says himslef in the Power of Now, that an enlightened person who's physical and emotional needs are not met will feel a sense of lack tugging at the surface, but will stay rooted in Being and so not be as affected by it. But he still feels the tug. Every day.
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby great2be » Wed Aug 25, 2010 4:50 pm

Kae wrote:the sex drive is strong! :roll: It's something that I can't fully put to rest, trusting that what I need will come my way. I feel like I HAVE to go out there and get a girl.

It's not the sex drive that is the problem, it's the thinking about sex.
Of course advertising and the media are continually showing provocative images, and that adds to the volume.
If your body just has to be relieved, then see what it means to do so manually without any fantasy whatsoever!
Just feel the sensations and keep all your attention there. It can be a very powerful meditation.
Thinking about sex and seeing women as potential sex objects, all keeps you in the circle of frustration.

You could also find great benefit in discovering that orgasm is separate from ejaculation. Mantak Chia has written a good guide to this in his book 'The multi-orgasmic man'. All can be achieved without a partner, and the resulting boost as opposed to drain in energy could also be of great benefit.
An imaginary seeker, seeking an imaginary goal.
Realise the nature of imagination and the fallacious effort ends.

Have you ever seen a dog chasing it's tail?

What happens when the dog runs faster?
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby hanss » Wed Aug 25, 2010 9:22 pm

Even if we are illusions, actors in a game or sort of forms in awareness or whatever, I don't see any reason to just not accept "these forms" as they are. We are humans. We need each other in many ways.
"In today's rush we all think too much, seek too much, want too much and forget about the joy of just Being."
(Eckhart Tolle)
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby spikyface » Wed Aug 25, 2010 10:32 pm

A couple of points if I may:

crappy "pick-up artist" guys there is virtually no one with good advice on how to actually get a relationship


That's a bit of a disservice to some of the more benevolent pickup guys and a misunderstanding of pickup

Pickup isn't about getting you a solid relationship, it's mostly just the initial attraction/casual relationship phase, what you choose to do once you are in that situation is entirely up to you

There is however one company that specialises in the relationship part too, it's run by a guy called Scot Mckay, the website is http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/about/

I signed up to the mailing list a few years back, the advice seemed pretty solid at the time, take a look if you're interested


not having success in finding sex and love is the ultimate "life problem" that is virtually unresolvable


If a "problem" has no "solution" then perhaps it's not a problem at all
Perhaps it's just the way this particular thing is supposed to work?

Monogamy always seemed a weird concept to me; all things end, including relationships, so why act otherwise?
Why not just let the relationship last as long as it does and then let it go once it's run it's course? Why make such a huge fuss about finding the person who you will spend the rest of your life with?

There are some animals that pair-bond for life; they have no concept of marriage, it is their nature

If humans were one of these animals, we would need no concept of marriage
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby Kae » Fri Aug 27, 2010 12:48 pm

great2be wrote:It's not the sex drive that is the problem, it's the thinking about sex.
Of course advertising and the media are continually showing provocative images, and that adds to the volume.
If your body just has to be relieved, then see what it means to do so manually without any fantasy whatsoever!
Just feel the sensations and keep all your attention there. It can be a very powerful meditation.
Thinking about sex and seeing women as potential sex objects, all keeps you in the circle of frustration.

You could also find great benefit in discovering that orgasm is separate from ejaculation. Mantak Chia has written a good guide to this in his book 'The multi-orgasmic man'. All can be achieved without a partner, and the resulting boost as opposed to drain in energy could also be of great benefit.


True, thinking about these things makes the issue grow hugely, and increases the stress the comes with it. But the thing is it's more than just thinking about it. It's something more primal. It's like being hungry - you can choose not to think about it, but the feeling won't leave you alone, until you satisfy it. I think sleep, food, sex and human company all belong to this category. You can not choose not to think about them. And even if you do, you'll still feel the need. So therefore, I would deduct that these needs are not of the ego.

Anything belonging to the ego, can be dispelled by not energizing it by thinking about it. It will then dissapear with time. These "primal" needs are different. We need to fulfill them.

And regarding masturbation, I think it is totally insufficient. That's natural, in my opinion, since the sex drive makes attracts us towards each other. It's something that makes people meet, know each other, love each other. Masturbation can only go so far.

So, in sum, I think we should be thankful for these primal drives. They are what makes us human, and we should enjoy them. We should be grateful and eat good food. We should enjoy good company with fellow human beings, and we should enjoy sleeping, not too much and too little. Regarding sex, I'm leaning towards the best way to enjoy this drive, is to have regular sexual relations with another human being, preferably someone that you can have a relationship with, as that kind of contact brings also trust, kindness, and an oppurtunity to know each other better and do more good to the other person. This might, obviously, be the reason why the aforementioned spiritual leaders all have girlfriends or wives.

Those are my few cents. What do you think?

spikyface wrote:Monogamy always seemed a weird concept to me; all things end, including relationships, so why act otherwise?
Why not just let the relationship last as long as it does and then let it go once it's run it's course? Why make such a huge fuss about finding the person who you will spend the rest of your life with?

There are some animals that pair-bond for life; they have no concept of marriage, it is their nature

If humans were one of these animals, we would need no concept of marriage


This is another very interesting topic, that I would like to discuss further, perhaps in another thread?
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby spikyface » Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:05 pm

Kae wrote:This is another very interesting topic, that I would like to discuss further, perhaps in another thread?


Done, you can find it here:
viewtopic.php?f=10&t=7708
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby peleke4 » Mon Aug 30, 2010 10:30 am

Here's a couple of quotes from PON which I feel is relevant to this:

"It may look as if the situaiton is creating the suffering, but ultimately this is not so - your resistance is... If you cannot accept what is outside, then accept what is inside. If you cannot accept the external condition, accept the internal condition. This means: do not resist the pain. Allow it to be there. Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness, or whatever form the suffering takes. Witness it without labelling it mentally. Embrace it. Then see how the miracle of surrender transmutes deep suffering into deep peace. This is your crucifixion. Let it become yhour resurrection and asension."

"The way of the cross is a complete reversal. It means that the worst thing in your life, your cross, turns into the best thing that ever happened to you, by forcing you into surrender, into "death," forcing you to become as nothing, to become as God - because God, too, is no-thing."
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby Kae » Mon Aug 30, 2010 1:19 pm

This is somewhat what I've tried to do when the desire seems unbearable.

But the desire is still always there, and forces you to go out and find a girl! :mrgreen:
... which is something to be grateful for, not to try to repress. We should be grateful to feel the strong force of life moving through us, and for the possibility to go out and share it with another human being.
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Re: Happy and Single

Postby braveheart » Wed Oct 06, 2010 7:16 pm

Cherrywood38, I'm really happy for you.
I wish you all the best.
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