A confusing experience

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A confusing experience

Postby Katheriner » Thu Oct 14, 2010 6:19 am

5 years a go my mother died, quite young, of a very slow and painful terminal disease. I found myself to be her primary carer - for all kinds of reasons the rest of the family took a back seat. (I didn't really have a negative feeling about them - I had a that point realised it was my role take all of this on and make the best for her- I did have to find ways to get through - detach from some people and break my relationship with a needy partner, I was pretty much alone, I did have good friends but found they took pity on me which wasn't helpful to me). I found i could be positive and ok if I kept the rest of my life very simple. At a crucial point 4 months before she passed, she underwent a long operation and my family seemed to be in denial of it's consequences. Anyway (oops rambling now) that night of her operation I laid in bed and howled in pain like a wild dog, I just let myself enter the depths of the pain, the howling continued for a while then .... I came to realise there was also a part of me that was watching this, that part of me said it's ok just watch then breath and sleep. It really struck me that in the middle of the night in my dark bedroom there was a witness/another side to me. The next weeks were hard as my mother was in and out of a hospice but I found myself living with the witness there - guiding me through my bereavment. I also found it hard to talk to people - I found their words a bit meaningless. I felt very happy to drive to the hospice and look at the trees and took so much pleasure in drinking a simple cup of tea, I just felt different, like I was working on a different frequency. My mum also said she felt very peaceful with me there. A lots happened since then - a year later i found myself in an ashram in India for a few weeks which was a fascinating experince. I have two kids now and life seems to have moved quickly - I have though just read 'The Power of Now' and what I'm really trying to work out is that - I have been confused about what happened then/ and my life has been a bit crazy since(definitly not ordinary) but what now, the books made me realise I probably did gain something from that experience? Just confused I guess...
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Re: A confusing experience

Postby Sighclone » Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:02 am

Welcome Katheriner. Love takes many forms, often requiring sacrifice. But with it comes some special blessings, sometimes. Without knowing more about your experience, I can comment that the "witness" stage is spoken of often by various nondual teachers, including Nisargadatta and Greg Goode. Most people find significant peace there and a clear departure from the normal "buried in ego-story" roles we play. It can also be a coping mechanism of escape, a form of depersonalization, and scary. Because your experience was comforting, I'm inclined to think it was an approach to self-realization. What do you think of Eckhart's writing?

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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Re: A confusing experience

Postby Katheriner » Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:49 pm

Many thanks for your reply Andy. I came across Eckhart quite randomly - I was doing a You Tube search for something completely different and one of his seminars appeared and I felt compelled to open it - I think I watched it 10 times, then went to buy the book which I find just amazing. It has left me questioning a lot about what has happened to me. After I had that experience during my mum's passing, I have had a difficult time with friends and family, they seemed to think I went a bit nuts. I don't feel that way i just felt uncontrollably lead to different things, circumstances (I think they expected 'responsibility/work/getting back to 'enjoying myself') and I took off and didn't contact them very much (not intentionally) and did other things, sometimes I have felt like something is pulling in a direction to the point I have had to just let go and let it be, like there's no fighting it (hard to explain). I have found myself living in a small town in Australia with 2 kids and a partner who is more conscious than not and self disciplined (who my family have met and cannot stand). But really the stuff in between hasn't been ordinary. Eckhart has lead me to really question that significant time before my mum's passing - when she finally passed I closed my eyes and a grid appeared - it was formed of lights and I was frozen and completely struck by it, it was moving somehow very fast - I don't know what this was - perhaps just my anxiety at the time?
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Re: A confusing experience

Postby Sighclone » Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:21 am

The dissolution of egoic identity can take many forms, complete with visions and twitches and dreams, and I guess out-of-body experiences also. Who is watching them? To whom do they arise? I surely would not worry about them...let them surface and vanish. Stresses release in many ways. You might seek out a reiki master in your neighborhood...chakra energy clearing is pretty neat.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
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