Hi German,GermanEnlightenment wrote:I struggle a lot with the painbody too.
Sometimes it feels like I was raised to give up on life.
My dad is a cold and distant man and I was afraid of him as a child. He would always yell at me for every little thing and practicly I thought that I was the reason for his bad temper. He didn´t teach my anything. Sometimes he wanted to show me how something works and if i didn´t get it right the first time he would get angry and want me to leave. He worked the whole day and in the evening he came home, watched TV and argued with my mom and yell at me. That was pretty much my whole childhood. At first I thought I was the problem and I wanted to do things to please him. But he was never pleased. Then my two younger sisters were born and everything they did was now under my responsibility. No matter what they screwed up, my father would always blame me. Even when I wasn´t at home and they did something I was the scapegoat. I really hated him at that point and when he drove to work in the morning I hoped that he never comes back again. I feel like I never connected to him on an emotional level. All he talks is about facts and how hard he works and how bad he gets treated of his family because they don´t appreciate it. It´s the same talk every day.
And in my teenage years I completely shut down emotionally. I argue a lot with him since that. I know it was "bad" to show my emotions because he didn´t care about them. I wasn´t allowed to be angry or be sad. My mother was completely different from him but for some reason I don´t remember her warmth, just the coldness of my father. It overshadowed everything.
I know that this is all just a story but I often think I´m damaged beyond repair. As if my self was splitted up in a sad child and a disoriented teenager. I´m 20 years now and I don´t know what to do at all.
I guess this all sounds pretty messed up but since I read PON and ANE I´m doing better. I learned how the ego works in my father and now I stand up form myself. But I think I must move out of home and then I will be free of him. My room, the kitchen, the living room, they all hold cruel memories of despair and hate.
Sometimes when I don´t see him often I´m doing good and I´m able to float through live. Everything flows naturally and I high have energy throughout the whole day. But one useless talk with him and I need a few minutes to calm down. I really have no expectations anymore with him. If he screams at me I´m not feeding his ego and then he also stops screeming. And sometimes I can see that he is proud to have me as a son. In some rare moments when he´s not angry I can see that he loves his family. He can´t show it in ANY way but I guess it´s there. There´s still good in him. (it´s like talking about Darth Vader )
It´s interesting because if he wasn´t my father I probably never spent time with a man like this. I don´t want a good connection with him. I don´t care anymore. If he would apologize for the things he did then maybe but he thinks that he did everything right and all others are against him. I don´t need him. I was fatherless for twenty years and I´m still alive.
I hope that after I end my study I can move out from this nuthouse and go my own way.
The randy travis poem thingy that makes the neglectful unloving father that wasted his life not expressing love and instead keeps a box, as some sort of martyr. Whats cool about that??? Nothing. Its just miserable existance for the children, worst is that they have a huge chance of replaying the same miserable games out again when they find someone that falls in love with them.
Fact is that most parents do love their children but some don't show it in positive ways.
That being said, its not 1890, there is dr phil and counselors and self help books. Adults can learn new ways to behave if they want to rather than sticking in the same old ineffective harmful patterns.
My mother coerced my old dad to start "hugging the kids/grandkids" at age 70.... she remarks "its a shame the children have had to wait until they are 40 for you to bond with them but better late than never" (mum is the reader of self help books). Its nice he makes the effort now and its a great role model for the grandchildren so they have another family member to model what love is and teach about families being nice safe loving places where kids are hugged.
You even say "your dad CANT show it". Your dad WONT show it. He has his reasons (inner pain/hurt etc). But he most definately CAN show it.
Here is a link to a site that deals with healing the inner child so you can get on with enjoying the 'now'.
Tolles books are good and its obvious when reading he has studied psychology and philosophy and had a lot of academic background/lots of reading at his disposal to help with his awakening. Reading stuff is good way to learn.
Share with your family.