Feeling the core wound of partiality

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Feeling the core wound of partiality

Postby SirNikalot » Mon Sep 05, 2011 8:08 am

After reading the post here I decided to take up Osho's suggestion of writing down thoughts for approximately 10minutes to see what happens.

Well, within the first 3-4 minutes I was writing about a lot of surface stuff that was going on, nothing that really bothered me too much, only a little. And then after a few minutes of writing I couldn't really figure out what the hell was REALLY bothering me, but there was this feeling of being partial, like I wasn't complete. And I started focusing in on this, and I started to become enraged and sad at the same time, not being able to realize why there was this feeling of divisiveness. And well, I think it would be easier If I just copy and pasted what I wrote down.

there’s a hollowness inside me, something that lacking, and I don’t know what it is. I can’t possibly know what it is, all I know is that it is there and its gnawing at me. Gnawing at my insides and I just can’t take it, it just eats and eats away at me from the inside. What am I? Who am I? Why am I here? What is this? This doesn’t make any sense at alllllllllllllllllllllllll. I just don’t want to return to life living a half-baked existence. I know that I’m going to get back to life, meet up with my friends, and lead a half-happy, semi-fulfilled existence, and it just never is going to be enough. It just never is going to be full. Its going to be partial, like a piece is missing all the time. WHY IS THAT!!!??? WHY?!?! WHY IS THERE SOMETHING MISSING? WHY AM I PUT HERE IF THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING!?


I realize in reading this it may seem melodramatic, but after writing this down I started to shake, tear-up in frustration, and tense up. Oddly enough, all these feelings that I were being felt actually felt whole, and much more satisfying than any half-baked pleasure or anything else. In short, it was profound.

This wasn't a smiley, happy experience, but it was the first taste of an experience that felt whole that I've felt in a long time. I'm familiar, to some degree, with the concept of the existential crisis, and that many people would label it as such. Nevertheless, I'm curious, has anyone experienced something like this before? What can be said about having such an experience? I never thought I would have something like this happen to me two days ago, it may have built a little momentum yesterday with an event that may have triggered it though.
SirNikalot
 
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Re: Feeling the core wound of partiality

Postby SirNikalot » Mon Sep 05, 2011 9:42 am

Was gonna say something, but never mind, will talk about it some other time. Just disregard this post.
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Re: Feeling the core wound of partiality

Postby SirNikalot » Mon Sep 05, 2011 11:43 pm

I didn't mean disregard this thread, just the previous post.

Anyway,

I mine as well explain what happened to me after my experience writing in the journal. I was feeling a lot of strong feelings afterwards, some where pretty unpleasant, intense as well. And then as I was laying down with my eyes closed I started to feel my hands, only to realize that there was no direct awareness of a "hand" only a feeling of a perceived "hand", but really it was occurring within the substratum of what I can only call space. I started noticing this with other feelings in my body as well. And then I slowly opened my eyes only to realize that this is all occurring within the substratum of space, nothing really exists independently. If there are visuals then that is occurring, if there are feelings then that is occurring, if there is anything my attention is located at, then that is occurring, but it is all occurring within space or awareness.

I started feeling like I won the game, this was it, why hadn't anyone ever told me before that I am not a nick or that object over there isn't really an independent object over there.

I woke up this morning to still feel an ego there, doing what it does, claiming its experience and what not, but I realized that it isn't real. I almost feel uncomfortable talking about it because this only happened yesterday, and I could easily fall back into a state of delusion. But I now know that I am awareness, space, or brahaman itself, I've seen it, I've experienced it, the ego is undeniably false, no matter how caught up in it, I can always know that it is false.
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