I continued for what seemed a very short time in elapsed time. I had a million thoughts as I went. Having time for so many thoughts made it seem like it should have been a longer time.
That I had thoughts confused me. I tried to understand what was happening to me. 'I' was still 'me.' I was, apparently, alive. I could not see myself. I could not raise my hand to look at it, but I was something - I still felt like 'myself.'
I was still thinking and feeling - but not in a body. I was moving without legs. I couldn't see any part of myself so I assumed I had no legs, no hands, no arms, no feet or anything you would normally look at to see if it was there. I felt surprise and wonder. I knew the meaning of those thoughts, too.
I floated 'higher' or further. I lack a better word for the sensation or the direction. Still, I knew I was moving to some place. There are no words that describe it well. I moved toward some other place from where I was. I was drawn there, not going there. It was not my power that moved me.
I was no longer in my body. I knew I was not on this planet. I knew that 'I' was not dead, not the way we mean the word. I was not un-alive, not unaware. I was 'dead,' had no body I could see, but I knew I lived. I just didn't know why or how. I couldn't figure it out.
I felt alive but I knew I was dead in our way of believing in death. I probably can't explain it better than that. To discover that I was not dead, when I had just killed myself, left me confused and amazed.
A thought came to me. For one moment, I was so sad my children and my mother would be grieved by my death. I regretted the pain my death would cause the family.
Then something changed in me. That sad thought faded away and I was overcome by a deeply peaceful joy. It was like I left all the cares and concerns that are so much a part of us with my body. They were gone from me.
It was a healing of my heart and a removal of my pain and grief so complete I felt it like a rock was lifted from me.
I was all done with the responsibilities we create here for the living. I had no fears, no shame, no pain, and no broken heart, nothing left to do. I was released. I didn't have to pay the bills or go to work ever again.
All the hurt I knew in life was gone from me. I had no responsibility toward others now. They would be loved and cared for still. I would always love them. I had no shame or sadness that I had hurt them. It was gone from me and I was filled with the comfort of knowing they would be cared for.
I was filled with joy by that knowing. It was a joy that was real. I could have danced it, sang it. I had NO emotional pain, no physical hurts. What I had seen as terrible pain, shame, grief and lack of love on this earth were no longer was hurting me. They had no effect on me anymore. I felt only the JOY of the release from the pain, the shame, the feeling that I could never take care of the ones I loved right. It was all lifted from me.
How much of my life's pain was of my creating and how much of it was from others didn't matter anymore. Not one thought of what I believed was bad in my life hurt me. I could not feel a pain anywhere. I tried to remember the things that made me chose death and could not feel the pain of them. Like setting down a heavy load after a time of holding it up, I was released from the pain of everything that ever hurt me. If I had had a way to do so, I would have cried with the joy of it. I was Free!
Even though I knew these things had happened, I had the memories, I could not feel any hurt or shame in myself. It was such a relief! That pure joy filled me up. I can't tell you how wonderful that feeling is with words. I can only repeat myself trying.
Bliss; It's a small word. I think it is one we only feel here like a shadow of what it really means. Anyone who has ever been hurt and had the medicine take effect to stop the pain knows the relief that 'absence of pain' can be. Something that many here on earth, are not even a reality to be lost, just the lack of pain, is a treasure to someone who hurts.
When I began this, I was in a deep, black heart hurt clear to my bones and now I was freed of that, and bliss is the only word that even whispers of the feeling in me as the pain not only was stopped, but removed. The pain was gone and all threat of pain in my heart or body was gone. No one could hurt me again, not even me! I could hurt no one again, ever! I was so comforted! I didn't hurt anymore. I was at peace in myself. Finally, I knew the meaning of peace in my heart. I believe it was the first touch of the Love and Grace reaching out to me.
As this feeling passed through me I saw, off to my right, a golden glow, a light in the darkness, like a city's lights on the night sky. It lit the way for me. The light was shining, just over there from me.
I say 'I saw' but I had no eyes. I have problems explaining in words and concepts. I could see the golden light. It was like a candle behind a gauze curtain. Muted, but against the darkness, showing a vivid brightness.
I turned to face it but I had no face. I had no body I could turn. I did what felt like turning to face it.
I looked toward it, wanting to be there and not alone in the dark. I was moved. Instead of feeling like I was moving toward it all of a sudden I was just there. Like the transporter on Star Trek; first, you are here, then you are there. I arrived.
The curtain effect was gone. The light was crisp and bright now. I felt like I belonged. I was in the right place now. Whatever this place was, it was where I was supposed to be. There was no fear, only curiosity and yearning.
In front of me was an opening in a barrier built of golden light. The opening appeared to be a low wall that ran in front of me. It seemed to be built of glowing, golden rocks. Like a stonewall with a small opening for a gate it seemed to me. It was a border, not a defensive wall, it seemed. Too low for protection it just marked the boundary of whatever place this was.
I was aware of another, smaller 'glow' behind me and to my left, on the same side of the barrier as I was. It stood between me and the dark I had come from. I didn't know what it was. It felt like a protector is the closest I can come. The being who stood behind me felt like it had my back, if I had one still. I never saw this one very well. It wasn't much larger than I was, but it felt bigger and stronger.
Beyond the opening and over the top of that barrier I could see an immense, golden, glowing globe shape that seemed 'way over there.' I don't think it was a far distance but I had no way to measure. I just knew it was 'over there' and I was 'over here.' It was golden and white with the light it gave off. It seemed huge, yet far away.
There were more glowing globes with the smaller ones giving off their light in the distance. There were some at the rear of the base of the large one, in a cluster or group. They were right up next to it but not part of it.
I saw some more 'glowing globe shapes' off to my left. It was like a line of them approaching the largest sphere. They appeared to be different sizes, but that could have been distance. There was no way for me to know that, either. I had no concept of my own size except in relation to things appearing smaller or larger than I seemed to be. All these words are comparative, not absolutes. I had no way to judge.
It felt as if I remained by the place I call the gate for a short moment, taking it all in and processing it. Suddenly, I changed position. Again, I did not feel the movement of the change, only that the power that moved me was not mine. I went from where I was to another position without willing it myself. Something besides me moved me. I can't think of a better way to say it.
Think of picking up a caterpillar and displaying it on your hand in front of your face. Now be the caterpillar. It was something like that, I think.
I wasn't by the barrier any more. I could not see it anywhere. I had a feeling it was to my right and lost in the distance. All I could see was the huge, brilliant light now directly in front of me. I felt examined. I looked right at it, in curiosity.
I was right in front of and dead center (sorry, pun accidental) of the largest glowing globe of light, I had seen. What I learned next amazed me. I discovered that the glowing, golden globe of light was alive. It was a 'self.' It was a living, aware, loving being.
We were the same! We were both living beings. It was huge, loving and powerful, strong and gentle all at the same time. I felt small and confused but I knew it was alive. It knew 'self and other' the same way I did still. I wasn't dead, it wasn't dead, but it didn't look 'human.' It felt human to me.
I was aware that this being of light was aware of itself as alive and living. It was aware of me in the same way. It was strange to look at something I thought of as so different from me and find out it was not different. This felt like a surprising discovery; Kind of a 'Hey, it's another soul!' Not so much that it was 'human' and had been living on earth but I recognized it was another living, aware self.
I knew that other self was what held me where I was. It was who had drawn me closer. Now I learned it knew me. It knew me in all I was, in all my life, in all my truth. I could not hide anything from it. I had no desire to hide anything. I felt no fear or shame that it 'saw' all of me. Then it dawned on me. I got the first hint of truly understanding the meaning of the word 'grace.'
That being knew all of everything I ever was and loved me. Not just loved me but everything that defined me as myself, unique from any other bit of creation, was wonderful to it. It loved the way I was made, it loved that we were meeting, it loved me with all the love it had in it. Its love overpowered me. I knew that I was precious to it and treasured by it. I was perfectly what I was supposed to be and it loved me just that way.
If I was a diamond, I was flawless, perfectly cut, beyond beautiful. I could not be loved more by that being. Not one thing in me needed to be changed for that being to love me. I was perfect - in its eyes - as I was made. I felt it think at me, 'As I made you, I did you perfectly!' With joy, it loved me, as I was, completely.
That Being loved me so deeply that it would never hurt me. It only wanted my complete, loving self to be all the 'me' that I was created to be. I did not have to change. That which is my true and ever-living self is perfect. I didn't have to be anything but just me. Truth lies there. Unconditional love sees only the beauty of the truth of love in each living spirit.
We began to communicate when I understood it was 'speaking' to me. Then I knew it could 'hear' what I wanted to share with it. It was not with spoken words but more like with complete thoughts with no possibility of misunderstanding. It was a true communication of perfect understanding between two spirits.
I would 'ask' then would 'know' the answer from the golden, glowing, loving being. I had no lips to speak and no ears to hear but I heard and spoke somehow. So did it. I reveled in that complete, pure, communication. There was no possibility of misunderstandings or evasions. There were no words to confuse the issue, only the truth of learning and knowing each other between us.
This is how we were supposed to communicate and understand between two people. It's that 'heart to heart' talk taken to the ultimate level. I feel the lack of it here. Words are so bulky and awkward compared to just 'showing' you how I feel or what I think. In every sentence I write here, I feel the weight and awkwardness of these words.
I have little memory of all that passed between us. We 'talked' for a time, in loving joy at being together. I was small and asking questions. It was 'answering' me, giving me what I felt a need to know as fast as I could conceive the question in my thoughts. I didn't have to ask some things, they were just showed or told to me.
I 'knew' (was told?) that being loved me just as I was. I did not need to change one thing to be perfect. I was perfect to it. I knew it felt a true joy in being with me. I felt like it was just bursting with happiness because I was there. It was beyond glad to see me; it loved me. It thought I was just perfectly made and was thrilled that we were together. I repeat this because it amazed me.
Then I was looking back at it again, shining down on me. There was another feeling of change. I felt like I was moved closer to that being. I have tried to tell people how it appeared to me but words are inadequate. Still I attempt it.
Imagine a large, round, globe shaped zinnia. It's deep golden in the center and composed of many tiny petals. Starting at the center a small circle of golden petals appeared to come out from inside the being itself. There were four petals in this first circle. See each tiny petal as a moving, golden flame going outward from an ever-refilled center.
Each petal seemed to stay the same size but each row of petals magically multiplied to increase the circle it was part of, to a size that kept covered that rings area of the globe.
They were not expelled from it, like waste, but becoming, being created, from the power of the love within that Being. Creation as love made real, manifested. I believe each living thing has been created by the Power that is the Divine Love.
As the rows of petals or flames traveled to reach the visible edge of the 'body' of that Being, the color intensified. Each petal changed from the golden hue it had at the center to a glowing white-hot shade. The being was radiating an aura around itself so pure the color can't be named.
Yet the center never stopped putting out new circles of flaming petal shapes. The glow I saw around it I felt as a radiation of love on me. Like the sunlight on a hot day touches your skin, love touched me.
The whole being never moved, yet its apparent surface was constantly in motion. That is the closest I can get to explaining its physical appearing self.
It did not have to let me see it so closely that I could see the tiny circle of four petals burst forth from the center. It was an intimate detail of itself that it shared with me, a very close up view. I believe it not only loved me but it wanted me to know it, all of it, as it knew me.
That was the greatest gift it gave me. It loves me so much it wanted me, little ole' 'killed myself me', to know it better and to love it, too. It wanted my love given to it freely, knowing all of it. It wanted to be loved by me the same way it loved me, knowing all of me and choosing to love it, with no limits.
With a new friend, we listen to them tell us about their life. We get to know each other better over the time we have together. Because we love we want to share all of ourselves and we want to know all of them. It 'showed' or told me of itself.
There was more than the looking, there was a learning of that loving being that I have little remembrance of but I know it was real. I knew it like I know my mother or sisters. It had showed me it knew me. Now it let me know the unique self it is.
It didn't want to love me like a pet or like a possession; it wanted to love WITH me, like a friend. It WANTED me to know and love it just the way it was with an unconditional love. Being loved and loving was as needed to that self's joy as being loved and loving is to me.
As worthless as I saw myself, that I had killed myself, all that I had done wrong in my life, and still that being didn't just love me, it wanted to BE loved by me. It said and showed the truth of that to me, I felt it. It wanted my love. I was desired as a personal, loving friend. To love like that I had to really know it, all of it. That is what it showed me. It's true self.
I loved it, but it had loved me first and I loved it for loving me. I wish that I could explain how precious that was to me, to be wanted when I didn't even want myself. I had just killed me. To be told I was not only desired as one to love, but that it wanted me to love it. That one so loving sought me out in such a way was more than I could understand.
What greater love is there than a love that reaches out to you and says, 'I will always love you,' then shows you all they are, not knowing if, in the telling, something will make you judge them someone you can't love. It made itself vulnerable to my rejection. How could I not love a being that trusted me with all of its true self?
That being already KNEW me before I arrived there. It chose to love me and wanted me to love it, KNOWING all of it. I wasn't asked to love blindly. I was showed the self that wanted me to love it. It wanted to be chosen by me as one that I would love. It had loved me before I was human, it loved me before I was born, it loved me being back with it, but most of all, it loved that I loved it, too.
It was joy filled that I loved it. I was in a state of bliss from the love we shared. So was my new friend, the Divine Loving Being. Our perfect understanding in complete Love was, and could only be, Divine.
I was HOME. That is what it felt like, the ultimate homecoming. I was where I was meant to be. I fit perfectly there. I was so glad to be there, loving with that being. 'It was where I was meant to be' is as close as I can put it. To be together with that other, loving self was the perfect place for me to exist. ----- (this NDE is actually MUCH longer and worth clicking on the link to read in its entirety)
OBE's, NDE's, lucid dreams, and the like...
6 posts • Page 1 of 1
Read this today on Facebook and I know NDE's are not a hot topic on this forum. But, one of the few places I get to share these. So, I know there are a couple here who do enjoy these. The description of love, is so prominent here, in regards to what unconditional love truly is to me. I offer this to you all with love:
Sorry, I must have accidentally cut off the link. Here's the link. Person's name is D.S. Weiler. In the link below, they also have a link to their own website as this person has their own E-book too apparently. I haven't checked it out yet.
By the way, if you read the latter part of the NDE where she was sent back, in listening to an interview with Natalie Sudman (which I shared in another thread yesterday), Natalie, from her experience, saw that WE are the ones who choose everything. She said in the audio interview that she believes that the people who said that they were 'sent back' likely did not go 'deep enough' in their NDE to realize that the perceived other being who 'sent them back' was actually just a greater, more expansive part of themselves (like the higher self or the Over Soul). So, in essence, we (the Higher Self) are the ones who always make the decisions. I kind of liked what she said, because I see it in a similar light.
I love the way Natalie speaks of these things, thanks for re-minding me E2B.Natalie, from her experience, saw that WE are the ones who choose everything. She said in the audio interview that she believes that the people who said that they were 'sent back' likely did not go 'deep enough' in their NDE to realize that the perceived other being who 'sent them back' was actually just a greater, more expansive part of themselves (like the higher self or the Over Soul). So, in essence, we (the Higher Self) are the ones who always make the decisions. I kind of liked what she said, because I see it in a similar light.
From my perspective in my own experience, it sort of seemed that on one level there is a choice, but on another it's like there is no reason-able 'other' choice - if that makes sense, which is why I understand ET's thing about no free will when you think there is, then actual free will when you accept that there isn't.
The higher self awareness is probably this ^.
When we judge a thing outside of it, we don't see it in its perfection and totality.
While re-entering my own body was not really a logical or conscious choice of my choosing, (especially as without me the wait for my son to rejoin me would have been much shorter, and being with him was the primary awareness-reasoning even knowing the 'fault' in it as logic) but there was no other way things could unfold as they were set on the course to - from all of our higher selves (and by all I mean far more than one would normally recognise) - and from all that came before and within it.
I was very aware of the logic and of some pathways closing, and the natural consequences of choices exponentially throwing us into one way more resonantly opportunistically over another.
I was also aware of 'pressure' to return to my body before I was ready to - but ultimately yes, it was voluntary, and in a flash of acceptance - done.
The thing with that is, that you then have no excuses and cannot feign ignorance for the choices you make after that - but at the same time you understand the ultimate blamelessness because you've seen and experienced it.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen