https://angelicview.wordpress.com/2017/ ... -all-okay/
I was 15 years old and I had stopped believing in God. I was in an existential angst… very depressed. Thought often about suicide. I was so unhappy that I would try to feel better by writing in my journal …But for a while I found that only one sentence came out of me… that sentence proved later to be very important. It was “I WANT TO GO HOME”. I would daily or weekly sit down to write in my journal … but each time, all that would end up coming out was I WANT TO GO HOME. Now, you must try to understand… I didn’t even really know what I meant when I wrote that. I felt very uncomfortable in my life and in my own home with my parents. All I knew is that I wanted to go someplace that felt like home. It was the most futile feeling to write those words, they were born out of deep despair…but it was also my most authentic feeling. The feeling of wanting home, and deep love and acceptance. To be adored by a loving family. That kinda thing. At this time in my life (and throughout my entire scholastic career, I was a D and F student, was put in special education classes, etc. I felt that my prospects were very bad. I felt like a failure. Life felt too hard.
I hated school. And there was such dysfunction in my upbringing and family that I found school to be impossible to take seriously or focus on… I was in constant anxiety there. One day I found myself feeling quite depressed and tired in 2nd period history class. I didnt feel sick. Just a little “Off”. I decided to ask to see the nurse… Really only because I wanted to get out of school, not because I thought I was actually sick. So I did see the nurse… she took my temperature, and then she totally freaked out. She said “Oh my god, you have a fever of 105!
Years later I found out that 105 is the point where brain death starts to occur) Well… I was just as surprised as the nurse when she told me I had a very high fever. My step-mother (whom I did not have a good relationship with) came to pick me up and take me home early. I went into my bedroom and laid down. I still didn’t feel sick. I just felt tired. So I started to drift off. But instead of sleep I entered into a state of delirium… half awake half dreaming… fitful. In this state, nothing was making sense and everything was very confusing. And at some point I heard and felt what seemed to be helicopters over my house, hovering very close. It was loud and vibratory. Buzzing. (later I learned this state is well known and commonly occurs before an OBE). Then … all went silent and I found myself in blackness, warm, comfortable and traveling through water, through a tunnel. The tunnel was black, and I could breathe in the water. At some point, a light appeared ahead of me. The light in my NDE was NEVER bright as other describe. It was very gentle. As I emerged from the tunnel I found myself standing in a gentle river, or stream, in the middle of a beautiful very lush green forest. There was no sun in this world, instead it was as if everything in the forest was lit from within itself. Everything had its own inner light. Very gentle.
As I stood in that stream a profound awakening occurred and it was all at once… All of what I am about to say happened almost all at one once. I remembered this place… deeply. It was HOME… No doubt about it. It was as if my earthly life had been a dream and this forest and river was my true home, and I just was waking up from a very long strange dream. And with that there was profound knowledge… things I instantly knew or remembered about life and its purpose… (I kept saying to myself “OH MY GOD! OF COURSE! ITS SO SIMPLE! HOW IN THE WORLD COULD I EVER HAVE FORGOTTEN??? THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN HERE!) I knew how totally INNOCENT and deeply treasured and loved I really am/was. How beautiful I was. How important I was. Valuable. And as I looked at the events of my life I felt gratitude and deep love and appreciation for ALL OF IT…. the good and bad. It was all so totally astonishingly perfect. If you felt and saw what I did it would bring you to your knees with awe and weeping.
It was absolutely amazing. And I saw that FEAR was the reason for all the suffering. It was quite simple. It was so perfect too. And at one point I asked about or thought about my relationship with my stepmother. She had been quite psychologically abusive to me, or I experienced it as abusive. She resented having to raise me. She was very threatened of me and my relationship with my father. Anyway… I was shown instantly or could see that her own life she had been similarly abused… and all I could feel then was deep understanding compassion and love for her. It all made sense. I found myself admiring her, for all she had struggled with and been through in her life. And I saw that she treated me badly because of fear, But I couldn’t ever really be harmed by it. And then I saw clearly how it is exactly the same for ALL OF US. We are all afraid, and its ALL OKAY. But we don’t NEED to ever ever ever be afraid. Fear is so totally not needed.