Today I wrote my final exam and I feel kind of empty inside. For the last three days - all exam days- I was kind of in a weird mood where everything felt off.
Here´s the thing: Whenever I had an exam in the past I would freak out the weekend before. I would catastrophize, think of unlikely examples how I would fail at the tests or be in a constant state of anxiety and stress. This time it was completely different though. I spent my weekend meditating, reading, watching funny tv-shows and spending the last day before the exams completely with my girlfriend. What was weird about that was that during the weekend I often forget about having to write exams the next week and I was just completely in the moment with whatever I was doing. I guess that shows my increasing presence because I am not able to spend my time worrying about everything anymore as I have deeply experienced before that it is of no use at all.
That might probably be the biggest lesson that I learned in the last couple of weeks. That nothing is actually required off me unless I choose to act. Previously, I thought that worrying and freaking out about writing a test or some other challenge in life would serve me in some way. Well, it never did. I only wasted my time by being in my head and constantly giving in to those negative thoughts. I guess that insight also comes from understanding that I create my own reality with my thoughts which I can deeply feel now is the truth. I got 24 years as evidence to prove that negative thinking gets you absolutely nowhere!
It´s funny, I think of all the times in my life where I put so much effort, hard work and force into something even though my heart wasn´t really into it and I can now see why I got so poor results at the time. Because even though you achieve what you wanted, the journey to get there was still a miserable and unenjoyable one and that´s why you can´t be happy about what you end up with. I think that only makes you scared of your new desires since you know that now you really want something and you will go down your usual harsh and soul-sucking road that you have walked on before. I think that´s why human beings create so much resistance towards certain desires. They know that for them, these desires will be hard to reach and take a toll on their well-being. I experienced the same thing when I didn´t live in such an abundant reality yet. I thought that I wasn´t capable of getting what I wanted and so I supressed most of my wishes, deeming them as unimportant and "not spiritual enough".
But what I also realized was that I have always been a spiritual seeker in the past. I thought I needed to have a certain experience that would change my life forever and through which I could know the truth of my existence and which path I should go down. Well, in the past I tried out a lot of different experiences, meet a diverse range of people and spend countless hours reading up on spiritual literature. The thing that I found out was that new experiences, people and insights are all good and well but they can´t actually change who I am at the core. In the end everything that happens is pretty ordinary. Only the mind has some extraordinary imaginations about certain things but reality is simply as it is, no matter what happens. I feel like I´m now at a place where I can just try out new things without any attachment to the outcome. In the past I always thought that I couldn´t try out new things that might damage my self-image and so I rather didn´t try at all. By not even trying we think that we escaped potential failures but not doing anything is actually a failure in itself as we agree with our mind that we are incapable of doing a certain task. That´s not empowering at all, it only makes us more scared.
So now my exams are done and it was a day like any other. I can more and more simply settle "into" myself. There is actually nowhere to go. Now, I understand the meaning behind the idea that there is acutally no spiritual path to walk as I am already where I am supposed to be. The search is over.
"Happiness / Something in my own place / I'm standing naked / Smiling, I feel no disgrace / With who I am/ I´m a lucky man...with fire in my hands"
(The Verve - Lucky Man)