Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.
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Yenala
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Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Yenala » Fri Oct 25, 2019 3:53 pm

Hi everyone,
my partner has recently found himself deeply connected to Eckhart Tolle's approach in being present in the here and now, and the idea that he understands he is not his behaviour or feelings.
My question is, i can see how this helps him internalise and understand his own presence, but who is he then?

He doesnt communicate to me when i ask him about things that concern me, he does not offer friendly comfort or gestures when im struggling myself. I feel i have zero connection unless he wants something.

we always have a huge problem connecting, but now to the point i feel i have no idea who he is any longer.

So i suppose i would like to know, has this helped anyone's connection with others deepen? I sense that perhaps it's actually a little isolating (i mean this in a neutral way, rather than isolating being the negative term it is usually construed to be). Id love to hear how this has affected your personal relationships if you're in one.

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Sighclone
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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Sighclone » Fri Oct 25, 2019 5:01 pm

Welcome Yenala!

Big issue - and not well discussed by many, including Adyashanti. A powerful glimpse of the new identity as "Pure Awareness," not egoic 'little me,' can make people drop away from their normal ego-identity-based relationships. It's a form of "spiritual bypassing" (See John Welwood on this at https://tricycle.org/magazine/psychology-awakening/ ) and it's common. It does pass over time but that could be months, maybe more. Transcending our 'normal' identity with thoughts and feelings is fairly radical - Tolle spent a couple of years on a park bench, more or less. And I'm speaking from personal experience here.

In my opinion, there is no quick recovery, BUT, your partner can choose to be more sensitive, and, in my opinion, he should make that effort, not judging, just loving.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Webwanderer » Sat Oct 26, 2019 7:24 pm

Hi Yenala, welcome to the forum.

Andy makes some good points. When one begins to recognize, as suggested in Tolle's teachings, that we are not what we 'think' we are, it can become isolating from one's close friends and loved ones. Most people don't understand what's going on. It's quite new as related to the understanding that we've grown up with and takes some time to sort out. As Andy said, sometimes a long time.

I suggest you talk with him - gently and lovingly. Let him know how important it is for you to connect with him. After all, you're no different in the larger scheme of things. You too have considerations that he can help with. Don't make him wrong, or yourself needy. Just create an atmosphere of sharing and appreciating each other's life experience.

WW

Louis More
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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Louis More » Sun Nov 03, 2019 12:28 pm

Hello yenala
I will write one paragraph of the book "embodied enlightenment" by amoda maa

"Everything is in relationship to everything else: you are in perpetual relationship to the world. Whether you believe the world is an illusion or not does not matter, because beliefs do not negate the fact that you are having an earthly experience. Authentic freedom requires you to consciously surrender all lopsided notions of "only consciousness is real" and to meet, with innocent openness, the naked reality of your experience."

I highly recommend you both to read this book, she talks about relationship in a very healthy and enlightened way.
Maybe this could help your partner be more sensitive with the world of form.

Bye.

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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Sighclone » Mon Nov 04, 2019 5:45 pm

Great comment, Louis - I also highly recommend that book! Awakening does not mean losing responsibility in the relative world, which includes the world of feelings.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

Yenala
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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Yenala » Sat Nov 23, 2019 4:26 pm

Thank you for your reply. I have to say a lot of the words in the quote washed over me - I thank you for sending it and I will try to understand it; but I think this is my issue. I'm MASSIVELY dyslexic in misunderstanding things. So will take what I can from it!
Louis More wrote:
Sun Nov 03, 2019 12:28 pm
Hello yenala
I will write one paragraph of the book "embodied enlightenment" by amoda maa

"Everything is in relationship to everything else: you are in perpetual relationship to the world. Whether you believe the world is an illusion or not does not matter, because beliefs do not negate the fact that you are having an earthly experience. Authentic freedom requires you to consciously surrender all lopsided notions of "only consciousness is real" and to meet, with innocent openness, the naked reality of your experience."

I highly recommend you both to read this book, she talks about relationship in a very healthy and enlightened way.
Maybe this could help your partner be more sensitive with the world of form.

Bye.

Yenala
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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Yenala » Sat Nov 23, 2019 4:29 pm

Thank you for your reply.

Do you have any suggestions how I can open his mind to this, considering he regularly states 'you should not take responsibility for other people's feelings' and 'you are not your feelings'.

He has been through SO much pain, that I know of and maybe even more hidden. He never reflects outwardly or speaks of it; just that he is 'ok'.

I am almost at my last straw with our relationship as it's a struggle to be under the same roof. If I wasn't pregnant i'd have escaped for some peace and me time.

Sighclone wrote:
Mon Nov 04, 2019 5:45 pm
Great comment, Louis - I also highly recommend that book! Awakening does not mean losing responsibility in the relative world, which includes the world of feelings.

Andy

Yenala
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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Yenala » Sat Nov 23, 2019 5:02 pm

Gosh, as I write this I feel like I'm replying to everyone asking for advice!!! Thanks everyone reading this for your patience. So, I want to ask if you can suggest any approach you think might work for someone who says you should not take responsibilty for others' feelings, and you should not offer to help them (We've also been learning a lot of Non Violent Communication lately, where you simply listen, don't intervene or offer to help, even if you want to).

Any further advice?
Webwanderer wrote:
Sat Oct 26, 2019 7:24 pm
Hi Yenala, welcome to the forum.

Andy makes some good points. When one begins to recognize, as suggested in Tolle's teachings, that we are not what we 'think' we are, it can become isolating from one's close friends and loved ones. Most people don't understand what's going on. It's quite new as related to the understanding that we've grown up with and takes some time to sort out. As Andy said, sometimes a long time.

I suggest you talk with him - gently and lovingly. Let him know how important it is for you to connect with him. After all, you're no different in the larger scheme of things. You too have considerations that he can help with. Don't make him wrong, or yourself needy. Just create an atmosphere of sharing and appreciating each other's life experience.

WW

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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Webwanderer » Sun Nov 24, 2019 4:05 pm

It's difficult, and possibly even risky, to offer advise in the blind about a relationship that cannot be directly seen. That said, patience is at a premium. When one is undergoing a spiritual transformation there is a lot of uncertainty in where it will lead. You might ask him what he wants from you and how you can best be there for him. The challenge for you here is that you may not like his answer. That you are pregnant creates even more challenges as there is more at stake than just breaking the relationship and moving on. Still moving on cannot be completely discounted if things are irreparable. Life has a way of working out when we genuinely want the best for all.

My suggestion with what you have accounted is to give him the space he seems to need and work on your own issues. There is always much to be done with our own beliefs and perspectives. Alignment with your own inner guidance is well worth pursuing. Focus on what still works in the relationship and try to understand your own judgments and emotions as they arise. Don't make things wrong. Rather see matters and conditions as simply challenges to be negotiated and worked through. In time things will change. They always do. The most important changes are those that occur within our own perspectives and understandings. Again patience, patience, patience.

WW

Dcdc
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Re: Eckhart Tolle approach and friendships with others

Post by Dcdc » Tue Nov 26, 2019 4:14 pm

Hello, Yenala.

I don't think anyone should offer specific suggestions as we don't know you two and don't know your relationship. It would not be fair with you, with him and with us to risking making a suggestion in the dark. I'm sorry...

But we can try to explain in a more didactic way what these teachings are and what are the most likely reactions a person will have if he/she practice it. But we cannot say these common reactions are what he is going through, because as we don't know him, we can't confirm. Maybe he thinks he understandsood what it is about without actually understanding it, for example. That would be normal too... Therefore, it is not very assertive to make statements about his current experiences without knowing him. We can only explain in general.

Well: if he is, in fact, in the process of no longer identifying with the ego, it means that he will go through a "strange" moment of getting used to live life through the perception of presence/consciousness/awareness.

It is hard to explain in words, but I will try: when an ego-identified person (normal person) lives her life, she usually lives her day with two characteristics: (i) doing all activities thinking nonstop; (ii) these thoughts revolve around a persona, a mental figure that she understands as "me" or "I".

When you no longer identify with the ego, these two characteristics change: (i) you will live your life thinking much less, and you will spend your seconds/minutes/hours of life predominantly feeling what is going on right now, in the present moment, one step at a time (be careful:
that doesn't mean she doesn't have the ability to plan or to think anymore); (ii) And when you do think, you will look at thought as a tool that is the result of an evolution of our species, and not as an identity. In other words, you will no longer find that "voice" in your head is you, as if you were "inside" the mind. You'll will identify your self as awareness.

If he has gone through this process, one of the most natural consequences is that he will become a very calm and loving person. As such, he may not think he can be responsible for how someone else feels (including you), but he will have no problem giving you love, care and attention.

So since I can't make specific suggestions because I don't know your relationship, I suggest that you just breathe, be present, smile and live letting it be. If during this process you feel like talking to him, just talk. :- )

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