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Tell me about what changed you most

Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 9:38 pm
by mega_nix
I would like to hear the experiences that changed you most as person. How did you start look upon life afterward?

I will write mine experience here, not to promote myself in anyway, but just to express myself so i can feel more at peace in my mind. I started to suffer from depression at a age of 13-14 and my caring parents started to take me to countless of doctors and psychologists who clarified i was ill. I was in treatment for depression in so many places by the years, but i did not know that the interest from so many people kept the depression in place. I had made the error of making the depression to my identity. Any way it turned out i only could come out of the shackles by looking for a solution by myself. I stumbled upon the book "Power of Now", and it helped me saving my life from downfall. Emotions do not take me over anymore and for the most of the time i feel a deep satisfaction and peace of just living. My biggest illusion have always been that a girl could make my life happy, that i could be saved by someone else. A painful illusion indeed. Of course all my former relationship have been imbued with drama. I was so sad by the opposite sex, that I started to mentally block myself when i was with them intimately. After my last relationship i begin to not be able to have sex. I was just not "turned on" anymore. Yes few times when i briefly lived in the "Now" but for the most of the time, no.

I met this girl (Kirstine) for about a half year ago, and I don't think that there any bigger self-confidence breaker than looking upon a girl you love. See that she is wearing her sweetest perfume and naughty underwear, and yet still not able to do anything about it, because you are in your misery. Indeed it is hard for her too, she feels that it is her fault, that she is not good enough. So sex slowly started to ruin our relationship.(It was not alone the problem but a great part of it). Then i finally saw the purpose of life but it was too late to do anything about the situation between me and her. But obvious that is not SO important now :)

To the point, yesterday i met my biggest emotionally challenge yet. I was in the city partying with my best friend (I'm 19). And suddenly he ask me how i feel about Kirstine. Apparently he could not remember that we have talked about it several times. I said to him that i loved her, but the love have changed. I didn't care if I'm the person that is going to be with her or not, i just want her to be happy. "Good" he said "Because i was sleeping with her last weekend and because we are good friends, I just wanted you to know". My world stood still, I didn't knew what to do. He asked me if I'm okay. I said "no but i just need to grasp it, then I'm okay". Unfortunately seconds later we met Kirstine, i greeted her by a hug still completely tizzy. "Your heart beat fast?" she asked. We all three walked inside to a bar and took seat next to some friends we were going to hang out with. I ordered a beer and walked back to them. I stared blankly in front of me. I saw how people were having a good time. Saw upon my best friend and Kristine chatting flirtatious. I was suddenly filled with great anger, if this situation had happen before the time i read the book it would have been easy. I would simply make a scene out of myself and punch my friend directly in the face. But I had a choice, however i could not stand to look at them anymore so i walked outside and headed home.

On the way home i suddenly begin to think about what Echart tolle said about "surrender". I took seat on a park bench and started to feel myself. I Felt the sadness and anger in me completely. Moments later i felt some kind of space and peace. I when looked around me. I stared at a tree and it was like it wanted to teach me something. "Look at me, see how simply life are. It would be so comic if i felt miserable about life. If i was jealous about the fact that i can't do anything and other creatures can. But i don't. I just live! I am! And I don't need anymore"

After I heard Eckart's voice in my head saying "You can't be happy, it is impossible, but you can be at peace" I smiled and walked back to the bar. In some way i had a good time that night. I later asked Kirstine to walk outside to talk to me. I said to her that i knew she has been sleeping with my friend and i forgive her. "I can't own you" i said. Of course she was very happy to hear that. Then i walked home proud. The love deep inside me had won.

A skeptical person might have said to me afterwards that I tricked myself. that I had a blind eye to what those persons had done to me. But it is completely the opposite i did. I accepted deep inside that life is as it is. Of course if a person fails you again and again you could decide to cut the connection between you and him/her. But do it in love and have no regret to them. It is one of those things life is about

Thank you Echart Tolle

Re: Tell me about what changed you most

Posted: Mon May 07, 2012 1:02 pm
by far_eastofwest
hi, i don't think i can pinpoint anything that changed me as a person, but there are some points/events that brought me closer to the person i basically am. Its more a case of from time to time i find myself being more, myself rather than changing. Books, people, experiences... they all ad up.

I feel your reactions to what happened with your friend and x gf are remarkably mature and something you can be very pleased with at your young age.
It is the fear of loss that creates many negative feelings, if you have learnt that the 'loss' is not the end of the world then there is not so much fear in the future.

I think many of us have negative feelings when their ex finds someone else (particularly if you know this 'someone else') and for you to simply remove yourself and give yourself a time out, not act on any feelings (it ok to have feelings, it how you act them out that matters in most cases), and then calmly come back to your friends shows maturity that many men don't achieve even when they are 40.

Great you got so much from Eckharts works!

Re: Tell me about what changed you most

Posted: Mon May 07, 2012 5:36 pm
by mega_nix
thank you :D

Re: Tell me about what changed you most

Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:59 pm
by Blenderhead
Well done :P