When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby Jbrooke » Fri May 25, 2012 1:45 am

In a state of utter obscurity, when the triggers weren't observed in enough time, when the layers upon layers of anxiety that feel crippling and other obsessions and deep pain and boundless chitter chatter and thoughts are obscuring the entire being. When nothing provides relief and being unable to accept that you can't seem to accept that you can't accept this state of being, when letting go is not even an option and NOTHING provides relief or some calmness, when meditation, deep breathing, taking a walk, listening to music, watching a movie, observing the colors and sounds around you only agitate you further, when you feel ready to absolutely combust.... I wonder what you all do in this state? Do you experience it also?

I was (or at least sensed that I was) very aware today. To my thoughts and feelings and observations etc. Something non-situational must have triggered the ego and it was is I was already too embedded in a state of utter anxiety and obsessions and hyperactive mind to achieve acceptance or letting go. When at this point my ego tells me such things over and over and over, "You are the only one that gets this overwhelmed and neurotic because you can't awaken. You are broken. You are damaged." I try to tell myself, "Be patient with yourself. You are doing the best that you can do at this moment." And then my ego says, "By telling yourself this you are only seeking false validation and feeding me more fuel!"

When you are in a state of not being able to accept that you can't accept and nothing you resort to seems to center you at all (even returning to the breath becomes a source of agitation). My tendency is to turn to binge eating to the point of oblivion. Or resorting to fantasies of dying. I KNOW there is more to resort to. Life itself is what to resort to. Inner calmness. And I can do this almost effortlessly at times. And then... SNAP... it's as though I am a different being and all has gone haywire! Do any of you experience this and if so, what is your next step?

Any input is much appreciated.
Best,
Jen
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby karmarider » Fri May 25, 2012 2:19 am

Hi Jen,

Yes, I am very familiar with the symptoms you describe and this is what it had felt to be in depths of depression and anxiety episodes, which I had for over twenty years.
nt
In these times, everything is a monotone of dark gray, there is a sense of irretrievable futility, ironically in the midst of overwrought mental hyperactivity, low energy, insomnia, numbness. It can feel like nothing will provide relief, it's hard to concentrate, wherever you are you want to be somewhere else.

Depression is the opposite of love. It is fear, turned inward. It is a build up of self-hating beliefs. Fear in fact is the root cause of all negative emotions.

What I have done, and it has been very effective for me:

-Don't dismiss conventional medical solutions. Take medication, if this is indicated. See therapists and counselors if this is available to you. (I have not taken medication for several years now--when it was time to stop medication, I knew).
-Use the release technique. If the release technique I have suggested does not resonate with you, there are others. EFT, Adyashanti's meditation, the Sedona Method, etc. All effective release techniques really work in the same way: they help us "stop", allow, look, and let go.
-I understand what you mean when you say that sometimes it's even difficult to meditate or let go. In those times, we can accept the non-acceptance in us and let it be. Acceptance is not really something we can do. It's more of something we stop doing. We stop resisting.
-Check out John Sherman. His technique is simple and effective and it addresses fear directly. And, as an added benefit, John Sherman is particularly good at helping us see through spiritual pedantry.
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby ashley72 » Fri May 25, 2012 5:07 am

Jbrooke wrote: I wonder what you all do in this state? Do you experience it also?


Hi Jen,

Yes, actually yesterday I was working really hard on business accounts and taxation... about 12 hrs in the office. I found it hard to fall asleep at bedtime because my thinking was still very active at 11:30 pm. Around 3 o'clock am in the morning I suddenly awoke in pitch darkness and I had very active thinking & mild-anxiety.... which went on for about 10 minutes. Eventually I got out of bed and went down and had a drink of water. I still had a case of monkey-mind when I got back into bed. I started to turn my attention gently inwardly for around 5 minute meditation. I know directly that my true nature is not the thinking mind, as I attend to the thinking mind. By turning attention inwards towards attentiveness itself, acceptance opens up about the active mind.... the resistance falls away... the mind settles. The motto... "When acceptance happens you go beyond, whatever you fight.... you're stuck with". :D
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby Jbrooke » Sun May 27, 2012 4:06 am

Thanks to both of you for replying. I appreciate it. I think that the level of my obscurity is so heavy right now- so frantic, that I might just need to take a break from the practicing and meditating attempts. I find myself toying with the idea that I might need hospitalization at this point. However, part of me is still obsessively clinging to the ET insights and practices and feels almost guilty about turning to the conventional world of treatment. Meds and other treatments (hundreds and hundreds of ECT treatments etc) are nothing new to me. But nothing helps. My pain body is a tornado. I am fighting my way to sanity and deeply believe that awakening is my destiny. And yet, I can barely function throughout the days without feeling almost insane.

I haven't given up yet and resorted to suicide, obviously. But the pain is indescribable. I don't want to sound like a victim. I am just stating what my reality is. I want to continue the enlightened path. More than anything. But, with the way things are going, I can't seem to integrate that into my life in a way that is maintainable. There are no meds left for me to try. Been through them all. Not sure what step to take. I just try to survive the day, one moment at a time.

But, the few short lived moments of clarity I have are amazing. This keeps me going, I believe.
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby ashley72 » Sun May 27, 2012 11:27 pm

jbrooke wrote:I am fighting my way to sanity and deeply believe that awakening is my destiny. And yet, I can barely function throughout the days without feeling almost insane.


Your true nature attends to this fight for sanity. Your true nature attends to this belief "that awakening is my destiny". Your true nature attends to the feeling of almost being insane.

Meditation is all about training attention.... by becoming familiar with the power of our attention.... following the breath.... following the sound of bells & chimes... following thoughts.

Once you realise "attention" can be turned inwardly away from thought back onto attention itself... space opens up and there is a shift. Your "Attention" is no longer a slave to addictive and obsessive thinking patterns.

This simply shift in attention is available, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW...

Awakening is rediscovering our attentive nature. You don't need to stop thoughts, you need to give attention to attention itself!!!!!!!
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby muthu » Mon May 28, 2012 1:55 am

Can someone explain what is attention looking at attention....I am depressed and on meds. I know tolle says dont talk about your problems, it is your ego trying to strengthen itself. I know what you mean when you say you cling to Tolles words....I did the same. I know that feeling when you try and try and it becomes harder. I keep practicing tolle even now, by trying to be conscious and present as much as I can. Please tell me how to accept.......
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby ashley72 » Mon May 28, 2012 11:55 am

muthu wrote:Can someone explain what is attention looking at attention.


Attending to yourself - you alone can see Who you really are, no one else can do it for you.

The experiments guide your attention inwards to the core of your being. This "inseeing" is simple and straightforward. For example, all you do in the Pointing Here experiment - a good place to start - is to point outwards and observe what you see, then point inwards and observe what you see, or don't see! What could be easier?

Pointing Home
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby Golf » Mon May 28, 2012 11:57 am

Jbrooke wrote:I haven't given up yet and resorted to suicide, obviously. But the pain is indescribable. I don't want to sound like a victim. I am just stating what my reality is. I want to continue the enlightened path. More than anything. But, with the way things are going, I can't seem to integrate that into my life in a way that is maintainable. There are no meds left for me to try. Been through them all. Not sure what step to take. I just try to survive the day, one moment at a time. But, the few short lived moments of clarity I have are amazing. This keeps me going, I believe.


I've been thinking about this and muthu's reply and it seems to me you two might need a change in your perspective and approach. Maybe you, besides all the personal issues from the past, actually have some bad external life situations that you don't know how to change and that you've resigned yourselves to put up with? Could be anything - family relationships, lousy jobs, financial problems... or like, doing something you "ended up in" while not knowing what you'd really like to do... And now your focus of attention is on "trying to achieve presence" first, like some future goal, but maybe there's a different way, like, first figuring out what bothers you (a measure of presence is needed in that moment when you figure it out), then resolving to do the practical steps needed, dealing with them (and your own inner obstacles that get triggered there) one at a time, practicing "presence" (I like the word "awareness" more) while learning how to be more proactive and perform more practical steps in your lives?
I can't say that this is definitely what you need but it seems to me that some shift in perspective is called for.

In other words it seems to me that Tolle had a less common experience of "waking up" first and finding out what to "do" later, while the majority of us seem to be in a state where we have to increase our presence or awareness, at the same time while we're doing the practical steps that could give some direction to our lives and change life situations. Like, aware - next step - more aware - next step... etc.

P.s. I read this yesterday (and muthu's reply now) and it all saddened me a lot, why should young and good people suffer so much, WHY WHY WHY :x :cry: ( :bangs on the pillow: )
Then I decided to stop the WHY thinking (story-making) and refocus my attention only on my emotions of sadness and anger, and then I could figure out what to actually write.
:oops:
"If you're so smart, how come you're working at a gas station?"
-"It's a service station. We offer service, there is no higher purpose."
8)
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby Jbrooke » Mon May 28, 2012 7:32 pm

I really thought about what you wrote, Golf. I am a first time mom to an 11 month old and as wonderful as it is, it is also extremely taxing in every way. Lots of new fears and concerns. And the lack of sleep is a very large issue- effects my mood and functioning greatly. With this new change in our lives, my husband and I are under a lot of stress and it undeniably effects our moods and communication with eachother. And I really can't change any of this right now- I try to take on a positive perspective regarding all of it and just accept what is. I am also struggling with a binge eating disorder and body dysmorphic disorder I have dealt with since I was about 5 years old. Also 2 things I am working on daily to improve. So the culmination of these things certainly plays a role in my depression and anxiety. And you are right- I have been focusing on "trying to achieve presence" when perhaps I need to take a more practical approach to the issues at hand. I am trying to do both at once. And I realize that the external problems in my life serve as doorways to achieving presence ultimately.

It seems to me I am trying to take on too much at one time. Focusing on too many "projects" at once. I thank you for your comments, Golf. Gives me the impetus to take a different perspective on all of this.

Appreciate your input a lot.
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby ashley72 » Tue May 29, 2012 12:54 am

Jbrooke wrote:It seems to me I am trying to take on too much at one time. Focusing on too many "projects" at once.


I have a busy life and very little time for myself. Can I still engage in this practice of turning attention toward attention itself?

Yes, all that is needed is a sincere desire to get a momentary taste of what it feels like to be you. You can look at yourself while washing the dishes, or walking down the street, or changing diapers. All that is required is that you try it whenever it occurs to you to do it.
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby alex » Tue May 29, 2012 9:14 am

It is the resistance to your current emotional/mental state that actually perpetuates this state. I know the feeling, though, of being too far in that hole to try and accept or let be or step in the other direction somehow, when any kind of trying just increases the emotional turmoil. It is in this state that true surrender is learnt. Surrender is the opposite of 'doing' - it is getting out of the way. Completely letting go of the personal viewpoint to allow reality to be axactly what is. Can you let reality be what it is? Why fight? Why not just give up and let everything be just as it is.? What is the point of continuing to struggle?
I highly reccomed Adyashanti's 'True Meditation CD'.
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby Jbrooke » Tue May 29, 2012 4:46 pm

I know that this is the time to truly surrender, but I can't. I don't know how. It doesn't "work". I desperately want to let reality be what it is and accept it. I can't explain it. It's as though everything is so chaotic and wild and obscured and deeply rooted and it becomes a forest fire that I can't seem to just let go of and watch burn.

I actually have been using Adya's True Meditation CD. I listen to it everyday (in the evening is best when things have calmed a bit, but sometimes during the daytime as well). It is something I value a lot. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it agitates me further on some level. But when it helps, it does help! However, when I am in the state that I described earlier, it does tend to frustrate me further.

It's as though the ego is SO resistant at these points that it won't budge. Just fights for it's life with abandon. The painbody in me is so dense. I can't describe it. Other moments, when the painbody isn't as dense, everything makes sense to me on every level! During these times I say to myself, "I get it! I can do this. I can let go. It flows, it's fluid, it is natural. Why can't I do this at other times? Why is it possible NOW and impossible at other times?"

I keep trying. I know that "trying to accept" sounds like a paradox, but I don't know how else to articulate it. Not sure if I have explained all of this very well. And I really do appreciate everything you all share with me. Truly.
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby kiki » Tue May 29, 2012 6:35 pm

Have you actually looked for this ego yet? Can it actually be found?
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby Yutso » Tue May 29, 2012 11:06 pm

:) May we show tenderness and compassion towards the seeminly infinite fragility of our pain bodies. And when unable, may we be compassionate towards that.
Last edited by Yutso on Tue May 29, 2012 11:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: When you can't accept that you can't accept...

Postby muthu » Tue May 29, 2012 11:15 pm

Kiki I wanna say the ego cannot be found but it can be sensed....it is an energy form, hope I am right. It can be seen in ones behaviour etc.
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