When you can't accept that you can't accept...

[Donna]

In a state of utter obscurity, when the triggers weren't observed in enough time, when the layers upon layers of anxiety that feel crippling and other obsessions and deep pain and boundless chitter chatter and thoughts are obscuring the entire being. When nothing provides relief and being unable to accept that you can't seem to accept that you can't accept this state of being, when letting go is not even an option and NOTHING provides relief or some calmness, when meditation, deep breathing, taking a walk, listening to music, watching a movie, observing the colors and sounds around you only agitate you further, when you feel ready to absolutely combust.... I wonder what you all do in this state? Do you experience it also?

Seems many have already posted and touched upon the idea that we identify with who we think we are...that which in us that causes angst. Yet we are not that.

I'm not one to be guru-centric, but yesterday I came across some timely Mooji videos, where he was able to point to this fallible belief system and offer relief by changing our perspective.

One video is named Reaction to Sexual Abuse, which is not obviously the nature of this post, YET this 37 minutes reveals just how much identifying with what our ego says who we are can have such a grip on us. This is the pattern or theme I am hearing in this thread.

....you are consciousness first, the greater, and the person is the lesser...because the person cannot exist without consciousness, but consciousness can exist without the person. So I speak to you as consciousness and as consciousness you are aware of this energetic presence of this memory (Jen's memory of pain) and the energy that is stirred up around this..and you are the weakness of this..but something in you is going 'so what?' and this voice has been given a tremendous amount of respect somehow maybe? And so you, the consciousness, are in a temporary state of hypnosis believing yourself to be 'this'. And your fidelity is the truth, not 'this', but something for a moment has to somehow fight to keep your real eyes open because something wants to go to sleep in this identity in order to live another day to see another sunset in this mood. ~ Mooji

[rideforever]

Hi Jen

Yeah, I feel like that right now. The last week my mind has been in a disaster zone whilrwind and the more I meditate the worse it gets. I did some incredibly painful meditation earlier ... but just now I popped one of my Rhodiola Rosea pills that I keep for special occasions. I use about one every 2 months when the sh*t hits the fan.

My view : if you have responsibilities it may not be the best time to go into full self-discovery mode, you don't know what will happen. You do have to pick your time.

When I feel it is not the right time (for instance I started a new job 3 weeks ago) ... I shore myself up. How :

a) stop all the meditation crap
b) start watching tv
c) get lots movies on dvd
d) eat chocolate biscuits
e) get into a hard daily routine - keep yourself busy
f) exercise everyday, especially in the morning

Basically, try to re-identify myself with my EGO. I need to go to work now ... and lying on the floor of the office howling in existential pain is not what is required right now. I'll come back to it.

It will still be there and when the moment is right you can do what is necessary.

For me also part of my traumatic upbringing is to go headlong into any difficulty ... and sometimes it's just way too much. So, take a rest and get some ice cream, breath deeply, look at the sky, watch tv. I hope that I will be able to manage my life in such a way that every part works.

[rideforever]

I like this :

http://www.johnsherman.org/john_sherman_videos/

..

[Jbrooke]

Donna:

I liked the Mooji quote a LOT. And I am going to check out that video as well. Thank you so much.

rideforever:

Funny you should write that. I have been seriously questioning my timing on all of this. Only problem is that I feel as though I was almost thrust into it due to the intensity of my depression and anxiety and desperation. I think I hit rock bottom (again) and was very drawn to rereading Tolle's books. But, now I am feeling incredibly obsessive about all of it. I am a basket case most of the time. And yet, I feel compelled to continue in a vigorous manner. Almost as though it's out of my control. I realize it isn't, but part of me feels very differently. I have always approached everything in an obsessive and perfectionist manner- so this is nothing new.

But when you reminded me that you do have to pick your time, it made me really consider the possibility that I should take a break from it to some degree. That I do have a choice in the matter and that I can always return to it when the time is right. I suppose the fear that is driving me to persevere so intensely is that the ego will just continue to grow like a weed while I'm taking a little break and that things will be even more complicated when I return. And that all of the "work" I have done thus far will be for nothing. I'm aware that this is my ego speaking, but at the same time it remains to be a strong and relentless fear of mine.

I hope your new job will be a positive change in your life. Eat plenty of chocolate biscuits

[rideforever]

Yes ... I am !!!!!!

Coooookie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NcXVAvi ... re=related

[smiileyjen101]

rideforever said: I'll come back to it.

It will still be there and when the moment is right you can do what is necessary.

Actually, it won't still be there, and neither will you. Go watch clouds bumping across the sky, which will have your attention? the clouds, the sky, the breeze on your face, the birds making noise in the tree next to you, the car driving past, the ache in your neck... go back, try to recapture any of it exactly as it and you were in any given moment... you can't, it's gone - let it go, a new moment will arise, new thoughts, new experiences, sure some will evolve differently because of your previous thoughts, responses etc

There is no 'right moment' there is only this moment so you never have to 'come back' to anything.
You can stay right with 'what is' - that's kind of ET's point.

Be it eating chocolate biscuits, doing the dishes, relating, working... whatever...

Stop thinking that 'being' has a beginning, a middle or an end in any linear and logical nature, it doesn't.