What To Do ?

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

What To Do ?

Postby rideforever » Wed Jun 06, 2012 5:18 pm

Hey

Over the last few months I have done a lot of work to penetrate all the pain of my parents dying. I did my best and it was very hard.

Now, something has passed I suppose; but I am left with a feeling of not knowing what to do, what there is to do, what I want to do.

Everything is ok but I am not really interested or un-interested in anything. I am not apathetic or negative, it's just I am not positive. It's not that I don't feel anything, just I am not sure what there is to do. I don't understand these feelings.

People - sometimes I like people and I have fun ... but I am not rushing to find more people. They are all mad in their own way, and I don't know what to say to any of them - it's fun sometimes, but I just don't want to have a 'serious' conversation with a mad person who has not the slightest understanding of themselves. Maybe sometimes it's a bit more than that, but I never reveal the extent of what I see because they would be scared shocked or not respond in any meaningful way.

And I don't even know what it is.

Sometimes I feel weak and fearful in my body. Perhaps I am just stuck inside a victim mentality somehow, and dissociated ... but I am really not sure what is interesting to do.

Sometimes I buy a hot chocolate from the Italian Cafe downstairs - it's nice but ... hmm I am not that interested.
Sometimes I talk to someone ... but I am not that interested.
Sometimes I meditated ... but I am not that interested.

If I don't do anything at all I have this feeling of being abandoned and unstimulated ... I was totally neglected at home for years when I was young, left on my own staring at the wall. I am not sure if this is where I am. I really don't know. Certainly I have insight, but does seem mixed up with being a bit lost.

Anyway what is there to do ? Shall I go and find a girlfriend ... I mean sex only lasts 20 minutes ... and then after - a big argument. The only thing I find stimulating about the whole thing (besides the obvious release) ... is that I think it is hilarious - but somehow I don't think a woman is going to find it funny if I start laughing at the ridiculousness of our relationship.

I feel like I could sit down and look into the face of beautiful woman, a seeker, and totally let myself go ... but I think the energy would be too great, I might die. It is all just too much ... all of creation, it is terrifying, sad in its beauty, shocking ... it is beyond my ability to cope.

Maybe I really am dissociated, and I just don't know it because ... I am dissociated.

When i was doing Hot Yoga I would come out of class feeling totally normal - grounded and in the body. But because of an injury I stopped. I seem to have forgotten that feeling of being normal. Maybe because I am dissociated.

Maybe it's like when you are a baby and nobody looks after you, then you feel bad (dissociating) but you don't know why or what to do. And I don't really know how to put myself together.

I can find some presence always if I meditate but ... even that seems a bit spaced out. I feel like something did not develop in me because I had no contact when I was young, physical or emotional ... and then something didn't grow. So now something is missing and I don't know what.

Really don't know what to do.

Maybe I should go to a meditation centre to live. And then would I be too scared to reveal my ... don't even know what. Sometimes I want to scream or die, and I don't know why.

Sometimes I panic, my mind furiously trying to solve all my problems ... and I say "ok you lot, just everybody shut up - I am in charge now and we are doing this" ... I have to become a general to the mess in my head - because sometimes it gets out of hand.

I had a therapist for 10 years, he was really good. But I am still like this ! Oh sh*t.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: What To Do ?

Postby Donna » Thu Jun 07, 2012 2:41 am

Don't know what to say, rideforever, except that I "heard" you. Here's a hug from me! There are similarities in our childhood, I bet.

Feel free to PM me if you like. There are some things I've picked up from your other posts, but to comment on them is not really Eckhart-Tolle-like stuff. Sometimes all people want is to be heard. Others do genuinely want feedback, but I find this kinda hard without a particular dialogue happening.

Regardless, you sound like a very strong individual....you'll get through this. (ET says "this too will pass" but for now...yeah I'm sure it feels like sh*t).
~*~*~*~* I love to live and live to love. *~*~*~*~
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Re: What To Do ?

Postby Golf » Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:32 pm

rideforever wrote:Now, something has passed I suppose; but I am left with a feeling of not knowing what to do, what there is to do, what I want to do.
Everything is ok but I am not really interested or un-interested in anything. I am not apathetic or negative, it's just I am not positive. It's not that I don't feel anything, just I am not sure what there is to do.

I can find some presence always if I meditate but ... even that seems a bit spaced out. I feel like something did not develop in me because I had no contact when I was young, physical or emotional ... and then something didn't grow. So now something is missing and I don't know what.


Well maybe you need to find that out now. See what you want. See how to trust yourself that you can find out what that really is.

And what you don't want, also. Maybe this even first...

Finding what you do want might need some experimenting, trial and error. Don't think you need to know first. Do something new once, and then see if you'd like to do it again, how's the "gut feeling" that it gives? Then do it again. Or let it go and try something else.
And also be very honest with yourself, if something you're doing is something you don't actually want (job, relationships, habits, people you're with...)?

I'm not telling it's easy. It may take weeks, months, to get off the ground in the process (and maybe not :wink: )
But it seems to me you did make some real progress even until now, that you're actually ready to talk about all of this. Just try going a step at a time. Nothing good, nothing real, can come quickly and without effort, or all at once. It's like your life has been this river that made it's flow by itself, and now you need to change it's direction of flow somewhere else. But it cannot be done in an instant, but by many steps.
"If you're so smart, how come you're working at a gas station?"
-"It's a service station. We offer service, there is no higher purpose."
8)
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Re: What To Do ?

Postby rideforever » Mon Jun 25, 2012 9:56 am

Just re-thinking this, my question I think is not What To Do ... in the world, but

"How Do I Manage My Inner State to Give Some Coherence or Meaning or Correctness to My Existence".

There are so many things going on inside, and I don't know what to make of it.

Shall I follow my body ?
My will ?
My emptiness ?
Shall I read Buddha's instructions and follow them to the letter ?
Shall I do nothing ?
Shall I follow things that don't lead to pain ?
Or things that do lead to pain ?
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: What To Do ?

Postby randomguy » Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:04 am

Does quitting the job of managing the inner state appear as an option?
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho
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Re: What To Do ?

Postby rideforever » Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:34 am

Yes. I will add it to the list.

It comes with the following subsidiary questions :
Who should quit and how to quit ?
What is the purpose of existing if you are quitting ?
If you are quitting, aren't you managing your inner state ?
If you quit, aren't you making a judgement on it ?


Shall I follow my body ?
My will ?
My emptiness ?
Shall I read Buddha's instructions and follow them to the letter ?
Shall I do nothing ?
Shall I follow things that don't lead to pain ?
Or things that do lead to pain ?
Stop managing the inner state ?
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
User avatar
rideforever
 
Posts: 1513
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2011 2:32 pm
Location: Hove


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