My Life : A Disaster

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

My Life : A Disaster

Postby rideforever » Wed Jun 20, 2012 11:50 am

Work

I started a job again a few weeks back, I work in IT and this place is a little e-learning agency near me - there are quite a lot of women here which is unusual for IT companies, and pretty friendly and happy I would say.

Anyway I have the same reaction as I always do, I feel like a complete outsider. I am sure I hide it well, but inside I really don't relate to the people much.

Yesterday the CEO came and gave everyone a pep talk about how even though they were being taken over they probably wouldn't lose their jobs. Hmm. And lots of talk about "we are all one", and "we really value you". He was a nice guy, but that's not really what business is about - they might actually lose their jobs, that's the reality ... happens all the time.


Anyway, the people seem nice but ... they are very wrapped up in the usual things, work, families, relationships. I am not really that interested in these things. They want to 'go for a drink' en-masse after work. I don't. I couldn't think of anything worse then being in a small room with 30 drunk people all being drunk and talking sh*t. If I went I would feel pressure to be like them, but I don't feel like that.

I would prefer playing my flute, or going dancing, or going to a Kirtan ... but drinking with lots of people in a small room - it's like prison.

I wonder sometimes if I am being judgemental or unkind to these people. They are just normal people. Is there something I don't understand about them ... is there something I could fix to be like them. But, in truth I just can't see it ... even if I fixed everything why should I get drunk - I don't want to escape my life, I want to move into reality - it's the other direction isn't it ?

I just don't want to feel pressured / hated for not going along with their gee-up.

And then if I don't go ... I just end up being alone - it's not so easy to find the kind of activities I like (spiritual ones) here in the UK. And being alone is upsetting.
Last edited by rideforever on Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby rideforever » Wed Jun 20, 2012 11:53 am

Next intallment :

I just looked up my beautiful ex girlfriend who lived with me for 3 years ... now she's travelling around the world and doing lots of exciting things - and it makes me feel just desperate.

I spent most of my life trapped doing things I don't like - like this job. I get therapy to fix how I fall apart when I do this job ... but the reason is simple, it's just not what I want to do or who I am ... but I just can't change.

Most of my life ... it's watching me now doing what I want to do.

My experience in the family (abusive/traumatic) taught me to ignore myself, my needs ... I could have been somebody.

I am not even sure I remember what I wanted to do - I am not sure I can tell you anymore.

And I spend most of my time fighting the terrible feelings in me ... trying to calm myself down and not go crazy - but I should go crazy because this is crazy.

And then I sit in meditation - but frankly if that is all I am going to do ... why the f*ck did I come to this planet - so I can sit ??? Couldn't I do that in outer space or wherever the f*ck I cam from.

This whole life has been shit for me. It's been a painful disaster. I have 'tried hard' but did I ever really learn anything. I have no idea what I am doing here or what.

Yes I can meditate - so what ! So what. What am I going to do sit on bloody mountain and meditate - what for. Who cares ? Who really cares ?

Clearly I want to be doing something - got shat on when I was young and now I just spend my time not doing anything ... and being angry at everyone else for either (a) being just like me trapped in their little lives, or (b) for being able to do something .. which makes me feel jealous.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby rideforever » Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:30 pm

Basically I have absorbed a lot of messages from my Mother / Sister and society including :


> I can't do it

> Nobody likes me

> Nobody is interested in me

> Nobody wants to spend time with me

> If I don't do what they want - they will hurt me

> It's too difficult

> It's not possible

> I am not ready to do it



Hence my life is how it is. It's amazing that anything has worked at all. It's like I sit around for years and say "I can't, I can't, I can't" ... and then one day my body says "okay, get the fuck up we are going now" ... and then I do it.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Jun 20, 2012 11:42 pm

I sit around for years and say "I can't, I can't, I can't" ... and then one day my body says "okay, get the fuck up we are going now" ... and then I do it.


Interesting noticing rideforever, ^^ that's what most of us do :) and that's okay too.

Also interestingly when you learn of the journeys of others you might find the inspiring ones have also faced life's challenges and 'got the *&^% up' and done something..

When they have the things they'd been taught, or absorbed as 'real' are found not to be real at all

I can't do it.... turns it to, well actually if you apply yourself there's very little you can't do. Succeeding at anything is a journey, a journey of discovering 'wrong' ways of doing things until you find the 'right' way to get the results you want.

I'm assuming here you walk on two feet? Do you realise what an incredible achievement it was? Do you even remember how many times you fell down? Do you even think about it and be grateful for all that it brings you having had the courage to put all of your weight on these tiny little legs and feet and have them hold you up without holding onto anyone's hand? Just amazing. Some may think I'm nuts but I am serious about this. We take our achievements for granted, we forget to remember the journey to a success, we forget to acknowledge the achievement. Since that time that you pulled yourself onto your feet you have achieved so many things, so many amazing things, but one of the first was having the courage to pull yourself up in the first place.

> Nobody likes me .. this is one of the saddest distortions of not loving yourself, or others.
The energies of like and love are two way flows, built on trust, faith and willingness to accept. I understand you've been hurt by some around you and you may have closed off your flows, but importantly you are not response able for what others think, not even what others think of you. It says more about them and their capacity to respond than it does about you. What you are response able for is how much love you allow to flow through you.... to others. Your whole perception of like and love would change by the measure that you allow like and love to flow through you. You could start with yourself, appreciating and loving everything about you, letting the energy of love and light touch you.

> Nobody is interested in me ..... who are you 'interested' in? Your posts above suggest this is projecting your own feelings onto others.

> Nobody wants to spend time with me - well your work colleagues would like to, but you choose not to interact. No choice is wrong.... but stop 'blaming' others. Everyone is doing the best with what they have.

> If I don't do what they want - they will hurt me - some people are manipulative, most are not. Be yourself and protect yourself from harm.

> It's too difficult - only if you choose to see it that way.

> It's not possible - only until to get the **&^% up and apply yourself - pour yourself into... life.

> I am not ready to do it.............AHA!! here we have the nut of truth!!
What do you think you need in order to be ready?
Are you ready to do that?
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby cardinalflash » Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:10 am

Hi rideforever,

You have a lot of questions in your post and it appears that you are outwardly searching for a lot of things, such as acceptance and good company. Obviously there is also still a lot of stuff that has happened to you in the past that is still affecting you. It must feel like a difficult mess of questions and emotions that you are trying to navigate out of. Anyway, hopefully I can help. I work in an IT company too with the same "motivational" talk and same pub drinking crowd.

"Anyway I have the same reaction as I always do, I feel like a complete outsider. I am sure I hide it well, but inside I really don't relate to the people much." - This is because the people you are with are very concerned with form things and this is how they relate to each other, which is why you don't relate to them so much. I find the majority of people I interact with have something to whine about...the key here is that you understand that it's because they are "unconscious" and wish things to be different to what they really are. It's not their fault, they all lead different lives, but they just do it anyway.

"Yesterday the CEO came and gave everyone a pep talk about how even though they were being taken over they probably wouldn't lose their jobs. Hmm. And lots of talk about "we are all one", and "we really value you". He was a nice guy, but that's not really what business is about - they might actually lose their jobs, that's the reality ... happens all the time." - This happens in every IT company I have worked for. The intention of the speaker is to alleviate the people's fear of losing their jobs of course, and because of that fear people can close their eyes to the fact that they might actually lose the jobs. The fear of losing one's job is the "unconscious" behaviour because the mind quickly paints a picture of losing possessions or uncomfortable living because there is no job. The reality is there will always be a way for you to find food and keep warm and that's all you really need.

"And then if I don't go ... I just end up being alone - it's not so easy to find the kind of activities I like (spiritual ones) here in the UK. And being alone is upsetting." - Here is an important point. These people go to the pub, drink beer, talk about form things, complain etc, which are all things you don't enjoy doing so why should you feel that you should? It's because of your desire to not be alone, and this desire is what you should look at. Let your mind rest, pause everything for a moment, then ask yourself questions like, why do I need to be with other people, why do I need to feel accepted? See if you can reflect on why this might be. Notice and just be aware of your feelings when you do ask yourself these things. Hopefully when you do you might see things a bit more clearly. I'm not saying that you should expect to be alone all the time and accept it, but it appears that your desire for human company and acceptance is overly strong and it's taking it's toll on you.

Lastly, the reflection and observation of your feelings is all the meditation and spiritual activity you really need to do. You can do it almost any where and at any time, even for a brief moment. It has no purpose other than to help you understand yourself and others.

I hope there are some nuggets here that help you. I wish you luck. :)
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby rideforever » Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:31 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:I'm assuming here you walk on two feet? Do you realise what an incredible achievement it was? Do you even remember how many times you fell down? Do you even think about it and be grateful for all that it brings you having had the courage to put all of your weight on these tiny little legs and feet and have them hold you up without holding onto anyone's hand? Just amazing. Some may think I'm nuts but I am serious about this. We take our achievements for granted, we forget to remember the journey to a success, we forget to acknowledge the achievement. Since that time that you pulled yourself onto your feet you have achieved so many things, so many amazing things, but one of the first was having the courage to pull yourself up in the first place.

No, it was easy to walk ... easy easy easy ... everything has always been easy - apart from getting this shit out of my mind.

I am not saying "I can't do it" ... I am saying that these messages are in my head.

I am beyond being upset about it, or needing to look at my achievements, it's all totally irrelevant. I have been doing this for 20 years - I don't need a blanket because unless I fix this I am dead.

If you are a dying man a hug does not help - I just need a cure. I need the means to remove the conditioning from my mind.

That's it.

It has come to my attention that all the people who hang around (like therapists) saying "oh" "ah", "that's sad", "tell me about it" ... are not helping.

I just want the answer. Now. I don't want any more hugging.

Just tell me how to get this out of my head - Now.

Being yourself ... is not being sweet and kind. It is just - being yourself - whatever it is.

- much as I appreciate your approach, it is not one that can help me anymore - it's life or death
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby rideforever » Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:15 am

cardinalflash wrote:"And then if I don't go ... I just end up being alone - it's not so easy to find the kind of activities I like (spiritual ones) here in the UK. And being alone is upsetting." - Here is an important point. These people go to the pub, drink beer, talk about form things, complain etc, which are all things you don't enjoy doing so why should you feel that you should? It's because of your desire to not be alone, and this desire is what you should look at. Let your mind rest, pause everything for a moment, then ask yourself questions like, why do I need to be with other people, why do I need to feel accepted? See if you can reflect on why this might be. Notice and just be aware of your feelings when you do ask yourself these things. Hopefully when you do you might see things a bit more clearly. I'm not saying that you should expect to be alone all the time and accept it, but it appears that your desire for human company and acceptance is overly strong and it's taking it's toll on you.

Although I can't be certain, I believe this is dangerous and incorrect advice for me.

When I was young I was emotional and physically abandoned ... I spent most of my time alone and this damaged my mind because much of it could not form without relationship.

Now for most people it is the other way round - they are trying to get rid of things.

For me - I am trying to form them. And you need some formation to do anything but die here on the planet.

A newborn for instance needs emotional / physical company otherwise it will die - this is not a spiritual success.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby Yutso » Thu Jun 21, 2012 7:37 pm

http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-Your- ... 1583334262

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820319

I have seen lives change with the concrete practices in these texts applied and practiced. Very much in unison with Tolle.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby cardinalflash » Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:06 am

rideforever wrote:
cardinalflash wrote:"And then if I don't go ... I just end up being alone - it's not so easy to find the kind of activities I like (spiritual ones) here in the UK. And being alone is upsetting." - Here is an important point. These people go to the pub, drink beer, talk about form things, complain etc, which are all things you don't enjoy doing so why should you feel that you should? It's because of your desire to not be alone, and this desire is what you should look at. Let your mind rest, pause everything for a moment, then ask yourself questions like, why do I need to be with other people, why do I need to feel accepted? See if you can reflect on why this might be. Notice and just be aware of your feelings when you do ask yourself these things. Hopefully when you do you might see things a bit more clearly. I'm not saying that you should expect to be alone all the time and accept it, but it appears that your desire for human company and acceptance is overly strong and it's taking it's toll on you.

Although I can't be certain, I believe this is dangerous and incorrect advice for me.

When I was young I was emotional and physically abandoned ... I spent most of my time alone and this damaged my mind because much of it could not form without relationship.

Now for most people it is the other way round - they are trying to get rid of things.

For me - I am trying to form them. And you need some formation to do anything but die here on the planet.

A newborn for instance needs emotional / physical company otherwise it will die - this is not a spiritual success.


That makes things a bit more difficult then. Just out of interest though, what happens when you play your flute? Do you get absorbed into the action of playing so that none of the 'external' world is within your attention? I only ask because that's the kind of place you want to be in, and if you can carry that over into the rest of your life it would be good. Hopefully that's not too vague.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby rideforever » Fri Jun 22, 2012 10:05 am

Yutso wrote:http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-Your-Brain/dp/1583334262

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820319

I have seen lives change with the concrete practices in these texts applied and practiced. Very much in unison with Tolle.

Thank you for these links, they look interesting.

Let me ask you a question though. For me although meditation has been interesting and helpful, I have realised that I am looking to live in the world, enjoy life etc... especially people who I find difficult at the moment.

If the goal was just to meditate - then that's easy - I can do that. But I have moved away from meditation because it does not seem to be helping me to rejoin with people.

And also, and I cannot stress this too highly that I am not sure of the benefits of a BOOK. Inside my social development is zero, it's like if you give a stack of books to a baby and say "read these and learn how to be with people". It doesn't work, and I am only interested in what works.

So ... I think I should drop meditation and the path and focus on more development etc... 'therapies' and situations.

I am not certain - but I think if I go and sit in meditation or a monastery ... I will feel I have wasted my life ... because I enjoy life, apart from the trauma based problems I have that hold me back, and my negative experiences of people, and my inability to prioritise my needs or know what I really want.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby smiileyjen101 » Fri Jun 22, 2012 9:31 pm

Rideforever you mentioned a list of therapies in another thread - EMDR, neuro linguistic programming, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy all work with the sorts of mind conditioning you detail. They all help us to 'reframe' to take the pebbles out of our pocket that are weighing us down and look at them in a safe environment.

If you're not comfortable reading about them, or watching videos and applying them to your life yourself there are many practitioners who will guide you through them and your particular pebbles. Google any of them with 'practitioner' and check them out until you find one you feel comfortable with.

As in all things, its easy to do, its also easy not to.

As easy as you now think it was for you to find your way to your feet you can find your way to letting debilitating thoughts - which are only your interpretation of stimuli re-cognised through your brain - pass through and not attach to emotion.

We don't get a 'handbook' for our mind or our bodies, books on these sorts of topics are able to help us understand it though.

There will be a cost though... you'll have to let go of the pebbles in your pocket.
You'll have to look at the world and your responses to it anew.
You'll have to wake up to being response able for what you put in your mind, what you just let blow through it and what you hold on to.
It won't be about anybody else any more.
It will all be yours.


it was easy to walk ... easy easy easy ... everything has always been easy - apart from getting this shit out of my mind.


Maybe you've reached the place where you are just going to get up and do it.

You may not remember it but getting up to walk was not easy from the other side of it, it took a process of leaving the safety of the familiar, of tottering and teetering and falling on your bum a few times, of strengthening neuro processes and muscles and sinew and tendons and balance and coordination.

And there were costs as well as the benefits. Before you walked you'd have everything handed to you. After you walked you would have had to get some things yourself. Before you walked you would have been carried. After you walked you would have had to get places on your own steam.

None of this is 'bad' its all natural progression. If you feel your neuro processing in terms of your brain processing stimuli, linking it with emotion is resulting in debilitating thoughts that impact on your ability to respond to situations in the way you would like to ... it's really no different to seeking help for having learned to walk on the sides of your feet - which would take physical therapy to reprogram the physiological responses to stimuli.

I've been writing in a topic Being Human that outlines just how incredible our neuro system and bodies are and where thoughts and feelings come from. The thing is you don't have to hold onto any of it, a whole truckload of different stimulation is available at the same time and a whole other truckload will be along in the next moment. Learning to let go, learning to appreciate a wider focus of attention is where the joy and freedom that you're seeking lays. The thing is, it's already here. But, if you're having trouble noticing it by all means find a therapist a practitioner that understands neuro processing and behaviour conditioning so you can stop being overwhelmed by particular micro aspects of it. Particularly the parts that are not real, not happening right now. Then yes, you will be able to live your life to the full glory of it.



Taking control of your mind may mean a bit of work in the beginning, it may mean somebody holding your hand until you get your balance a bit
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby smiileyjen101 » Fri Jun 22, 2012 10:14 pm

Rideforever I just had a brain fart for you!!

You mention you play the flute, and you'd like to dance, and you want to do spiritual things...

So now I can speak to you in things you know. Getting up to walk is a thing most folks do but you no longer appreciate that so I'll 'reframe' it to things you do appreciate.

If you play a discordant note when you're playing the flute - what do you do with it?

Do you keep playing it over and over because its 'wrong but it's there'?
Does it 'feel bad', so bad you want to hold onto it and define the music by it?

Or, do you accept that it played by a combination of your fingers, the flute, the breath you blew through the flute in one moment and move on to play a different note?

In time you learn not to play that note at that particular time and instead play others. That's not the only note capable of being played is it? The choice is yours, but sometimes we accidentally play the wrong note. No big deal is it?

Now, lets move to when others are involved. If you play a discordant note when you're playing with others you may notice it more and feelings may arise momentarily - do you hold onto them? Do you say you can't play the flute because you played a 'wrong' note?

Or do you let it go, move on and play other notes?

If you are dancing with someone and you step on their toes all that is needed is to apologise and your body corrects itself to step somewhere other than on their toes. Or, do you keep stepping on their toes, not learning from the mis-take and saying I keep stepping on their toes?

There is no difference between a discordant note, a mis-step in a dance, or a thought that does not serve you.

The process is simple.
Recognise (filter through your amazing mind) from where did this note/step/thought come from?
Evaluate - is it the note/step/thought I want at this moment?
Learn from it.
Select another note/step/thought that is more appropriate.

You've already learned the process and are applying it in playing the flute;
and maybe you've already learned it in dancing or you at least have the willingness to learn it in dancing.
Now you just need to apply it to discordant or mis-step thoughts.

Again, as in all things, it's easy to do, it's also easy not to.

And you can start by reframing the title of this thread... try instead My life: A work in progress
Like learning a song to be played on the flute, or a dance to dance with others, learning which thoughts serve you and which ones don't is the work in progress that is how you speak to your self.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby rideforever » Fri Jun 22, 2012 10:31 pm

My life has been severely damaged by abuse/trauma and now I am looking for ways to rapidly remediate the situation so I can be fully functional, and exceptional, now in this life - to be everything that I can be to the maximum extent - now.

If you can imagine that money was no object, motivation was no object, spirit was no object, intelligence fluidity courage sensitivity was no object - that you had all the facility and capability now -

- what would you do to fix the situation now ? That is my question.



Again to restate what needs to change :

a. the total lack of social development within the mind due to lack on contact with other human beings from a young age
b. all the self-defeating beliefs that I have internalised
c. the traumatic conditioning that replays when triggered - frequently and to devastating effect
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby smiileyjen101 » Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:07 pm

what would you do to fix the situation now ? That is my question.

I would reframe my thoughts, let go of those that were not serving me and in doing so change my response to stimuli as I've detailed.

But, I've learned how to do that. Basically I got up off my *&^% and did it including finding others to hold my hand and share their wisdom until I was confident enough to stand on my own two feet with it.

But mostly I let go of the security of sitting on my *&^% - this is the step nobody else can do for you. This is the step some resist - some would rather excuse their responses than understand them and work with them and process them and let them go.

I found people who worked in neuro linguistic programming by accident (Anthony Robbins mostly). I learned to change my interpretation of stimuli from one understanding that was not true (now) or helpful (now) to give me freedom to use that stimuli in other ways.

I found people who understood Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and learned from them how thoughts and stimuli attach to emotion and create responses. How these responses were learned and can be unlearned and new responses learned. Then I chose to pay attention to ALL of the available stimuli and suspend belief in my 'story' that I was creating from the stimuli based on past events.

I found people who work with EMDR and EFT and sat with them and had them guide me through extreme trauma situations that had become my focus of attention and viewed them from a distance as they really are ... in the past, no longer a threat to my life and safety. Not defining 'me'.

I sat with them until they subsided back into the past where they belong. I don't deny the events happened, I don't resist the natural consequences of the events, I don't make an enemy, obstacle, means to an end or identity out of the experiences. I accept they happened... I learned that I was holding onto things I had no ability to respond to - actions of others and events that was really 'none of my business' except for the impact that it had on me and how I interpreted that, and how much I let it affect my present and my future. I grew into accepting that and letting it go so that it no longer caused debilitating responses that were no longer required.

I stopped being a victim of these things in the present, and became a survivor of these things in the past.

I stopped playing the discordant notes over and over and over.
I stopped holding on to the thoughts that did not serve me.

Now, here's my question.

What will you do now?
Change requires action.
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Re: My Life : A Disaster

Postby rideforever » Sat Jun 23, 2012 8:04 am

Reading another book is not going to help me, I need a situation that involves people. I am currently looking around for situations like this.

There is a 2 week primal workshop coming up soon which I am booking myself on : it might be good but short. After that, I am looking at living in some kind of community / commune / centre for a while.

These aren't ideal options but the kind of place I need doesn't exist so this is the best I can come up with.
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