Did I miss the only chance in life?

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby tikey » Sat Jul 28, 2012 4:39 pm

Hi. I know that this forum is not genie in the bottle and isnt supposed to answear all my stupid questions, but there is something thats bothering me.

I will try to make it short so that you will read it.

I was unhappy child and I never met presence in my life. I met "presence" when I first stumbled upon Eckhart. All my life I was avoiding the now.
From the earliest days I played a lot of computer games and with age (when I was 16) it became and obsession that consumed me. I never really exp-
erienced prosperity in the sense that when you are present you preosper - you do things and you do not make problems. I never experienced it and
I wasnt even familiar to the idea that such a state exists. I slipped through high school somehow and almost made my way through university.
But that wasnt because I was present and making my duties. It was despite I wasnt. I barely made It. I've never ever was present at work and I
was always resisting the fact I have to study.

Two years ago something traumatic happened to me. Eckhart Tolle said that if you need the "last kick" from life it will give it to you. It will push you
to final presence. It will solve your problems in a "hard way". After my trauma I had strange realisation. I realised that I have to become completely
present to get out of it. The trauma lasted for about two weaks because it wasnt a TOTAL trauma, but rather a minor trauma, nevertheless it gave me
the insight. To be present. To be perfectly present in the moment. At this point I was struggling with university because I was playing computer games.
They always were the last barrier that was keeping me from presence continuosly in my life. After that trauma and that realisation I felt totally free from
my addiction to computer games. You can compare it to taking something heavy out of you. That was my first experience of total presence, undisturbed
by any mental activity and without any desire to "change this moment". I have to admit that it was quite a shock for me. I had genuine experience, beca-
use I've been reading Tolles books for last 4 years and it finally hit me. The last kick. The last punch, which solved all of my problems. I even changed
the signature under my avatar on this forum to "no more problems". I really felt that way.

But something happened. I didnt fully realise the importance of that event and how actually HEALING that trauma was or rather the REALISATION I had
after experiencing it. After I healed a little bit I returned to my gaming habits. Immediately the sense of presence and of SPACE (like something was
removed from me) disappeared and the whole sense of "I need to game to make this moment better" returned.

Eckart once talked that ego is like this robot in terminator (the movie). You can melt in in the little pieces but it rebuilds itslef even if the only one piece
is left.

I am pondering if I lost the only chance in my life to solve all my problems? Because clearly all my problems come out of my lack of presence. And it some-
how involves computer. The next two years I spent playing computer games. I was missing the experience of presence because my life turned into hell.
I played a lot and didnt study any subjects on university and I almost quit another studies. I am at the stage when I am pondering if my return to gaming
wasnt as if I lost the only chance to bring my life back to balance?

I dont game anymore but this comfortable feeling of "having space for my own life" doesnt come back. I still got the sense that something is there in me
in the form of some blockage, in the place where presence should be. Its like addiction to things, to activities. I cannot sit down and do my exercies and
for past half year I didnt to ANYTHING! Last Sunday we went to school official with my mom to ask for another chance, but I still dont feel strong enough
to make use of the chance he gave me.

So addictions are just substitute for presence, but then - why I cant feel my own life. I dont feel that I prosper. Everyday is the same. I check facebook and
wait for something to happen. I wait to start living, I wait for any will to do anything. And then I return with my thoughts to the memory of that trauma
and that liberating realisation I had and I think that I missed the chance and I suffer from depression because I am afraid life wont give me another chance.

I smoked to much ganja in the pain. I felt so bad, so miserable that I wanted to smoke to death. But fortunately (or not) ganja cant kill you and I just pass-
ed away and awoke the next day completely miserable and in tears. Will my life will be like that for the end of time? Is my chance for liberation lost and I
should suffer until I die?

Everyday I dont feel any motivation, will to live. I dont have any desire to do anything - but thats (according to my psychiatrist) just a lack of serotonin.
And I - after my experiences with presence - feel that somewhere there - deep inside - in my body or mind or whatever there is this terrible block I encoun-tered before traume when I gamed and couldnt even function. I dont game anymore I just sit miserably and think what to do. Nothing... really
nothing comes to my mind. I hate it so much that I almost want to commit suicde. When I'm bored to death I go buy ciggaretes and some beer and read
some spiritual books, or whatever I can find on the internet.

I just feel that I am in a trap of non-existence.
Im just a cloudless sky :)
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby rideforever » Sat Jul 28, 2012 6:38 pm

If you try to do something positive, what happens ? Do you feel bad when you try to do something positive ? What happens within you when you try to do something positive ?
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby Webwanderer » Sat Jul 28, 2012 7:42 pm

Whatever you focus on you will experience more of. Focus creates habits and habits create more of the same type experience. This is not good or bad. (well, the knowing of it is quite good) It just the way life works. There is no judgment nor condemnation nor congratulations. It's just cause and effect.

Knowing this however, is power. Watch what you think about. Watch how you feel in your experience. Not to judge, but to understand how energy, through focus, creates experience. What is important here is that the same thing applies to habits creating painful experiences can, and do, apply to creating positive and happier experiences. Pay attention to what brings a comforting smile to your face and do more of it. Pay attention to what brings you pain and do less of it.

Enjoying life is all about how you feel in any given moment. It's not about getting stuff or having relationships, although they play a role, it's about thinking and perceiving in ways that bring you happiness. No one can make you happy or sad without your agreement, albeit often an unconscious one. But you can be conscious of the process of how emotions flow and intentionally think and act in ways that bring happiness. You have to pay attention enough to recognize what's happening. Blame and condemnation of self and others and life in general are a direct path to more of the pain you don't want. Make peace with what is as best you can and move toward thoughts and activities that make you feel better. Again, pay attention. Practice silent awareness enough to allow insight to guide you and life will blossom into a joyful experience.

There will always be challenges to overcome and times where painful emotions rule, but they don't have to last if you recognize what's happening and know how to redirect your focus and the energy to create a better experience.

WW
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby tikey » Sun Jul 29, 2012 12:47 pm

rideforever wrote:If you try to do something positive, what happens ? Do you feel bad when you try to do something positive ? What happens within you when you try to do something positive ?



it depends what you call positive. Its all relative and depends on situation. Most of the time I feel tired. I only wrote here - about my problem and my experience - because the begining of changes in my life was the reading of Tolles' books. They've changed me but I thought that I resisted a change at
some point and I built around it whole new dramatic story that "I lost the only chance in life"

Basically I try to do positive things. Im always nice and kind and I try to allow everyone to be as they are even if they are not doing the same to me.
I just think that there still is some resistance in me, but I cannot locate it. And thats a problem. I believe I can have somewhere in the body some
blockages of energy which make my life less happy and more hard. I feel very often in life like I was walking uphill. Thats very tiring. And I speak about
simple things. Washing the dishes, cooking, making laundry - everything just seems to me like I had to push a stone block weighing 1 ton. Or something.
Its just too hard to live in a way when I feel constant resistance against some things. Its my deep conditioning I propably have from my childhood and I
cannot cope with it in real life. This traumatic experience I had provided my a real insight that I do not have to feel this resistance if I surrender to
presence. But after a few days I made something that made the resistance come back and I started to blame myself for it. It was a story telling that if I
didnt do certain thing - the resistance would have come back and would not feel so terrible.

I spent 2 years in misery thinking about that. I want to repeat the sentence that life gave me chance to live life of non-resistance but it was such a new
state for me that I quickly came back to my old habits of resistance and the resistance-free state disappeared and I couldnt make it come back again.
I felt depressed because I felt that all 4-year work was gone. I felt resistance again and I couldnt cope with the fact that I DID IT. I MADE IT COME BACK.

If you live life like I do its difficult to have true enjoyment of anything. Everything is either too big, to tiring, too long, too heavy or something like that.
I dont feel that I have "time for myself" to enjoy reading a book because I resist taking some time for me. Its like still having an ego which resists things
but not wanting it.

Thats what I wanted to share with you because it gives me a lot of pain. The realisation that I got free from my conditiong - which could be a life saving
thing for me and then - out of my decision I rebuilt the conditioned self - or rather it rebuilt itself because I allowed it makes me depressed.

I dont know if this post isnt too long or too boring or too complicated or too self-centered but thats what we do - right? We try to make our way past
our egos and we want to present. Thats what I want too but its difficult for me.

Webwanderer you are writing about something that I know as Law of Attraction. I know it because I've been reading and listening to works of Abraham/
Esther and Jerry Hicks, which I believe are pretty well known for their books. I know that tha law of attraction is the best way to cope with things - to
cope with our lives. But you didnt answear directly to what you think about me - loosing the chance to break my resistance once and for all. Maybe my de-
scription of the process was too complicated, but I tried to write about it as brief as I could.

I still look for some advices - what to do if resistance arises. For example I have this exercies in my studies that I have to do. I really resist them and have
no space-no inner space - in which I could welcome them (that how I describe non resistance). So I cant just relax and do them. So should I practice surren-
dering to my resistance and sitting at the same time doing this projects? I really dont know what attitude should I have towards my life and it was something
I hoped someone would explain me.

I listen to tapes of Esther Hicks and they give me some more power, but still against my resistance I am just hopeless.
Im just a cloudless sky :)
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby rideforever » Sun Jul 29, 2012 1:29 pm

tikey wrote:I try to do positive things. Im always nice and kind and I try to allow everyone to be as they are even if they are not doing the same to me.
This sounds very much like you are doing things for other people rather than your self. You must look after your self.


How ?

Well I do have some suggestions - I can tell you what I do - maybe it can work for you.

I often feel disturbed by ... people ... beautiful girls ... noise ... many things.

So, I sit in meditation, relax ... and then try to bring into focus the thing that is disturbing me. I try to feel the 'body' of the pain. I watch it, see what it looks it looks like, where it is. I normally feel it as a shape or tension in my body. I breathe into it. Over time it dissolves.

You must learn how to work with it so that it dissolves.

Sometimes I walk into a crowded place so that I can be disturbed. And then I sit in meditation and watch the disturbance. This is useful - because I need material to work with.


Meditation preparation.

I have learnt over the years that when I sit down, I need to do some preparation first ... before I start looking at the disturbance. This is what I do :

A. 5 mins : I say to myself "relax the body, relax the mind" and I watch my breathing
B. 10 mins : I open my heart .. I feel my heart in my chest .. and feel vulnerable ... I want to be ready to change ... I want to be open to change my life
C. 30 mins : I watch the disturbance (as above)
D. 5 mins : I let the disturbance go, and feel my breathing, I come back to stability


If you feel angry at yourself because you missed your opportunity. Then the anger is the disturbance. You can meditate on that.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby tikey » Sun Jul 29, 2012 3:08 pm

Ok I will do the described meditation. I hope it works.

In the times when I feel regret towards myself for loosing my opportunity i think that life goes forward and that nothing can be better than that.
Well maybe apart of travelling back in time or playing time backwards, but if we cant then we should feel happy that life goes forward
so that it gives you new opportunities. It shapes you and the fact that you struggle only means that you want to improve yourself,
you dont wanna to stay in one place. You want expansio, growth, evolution and thats why the fact that life goes forward is the best
for you. I cheer myself a little when I think like that.

I will try a meditation, Im sure it will do no harm to me. Im really hopefull for the future but not in the way that I imagine my ego being
satisifaied and seen as amazing by other people. I wanna evolve for myself to have more happiness I can give and share with other
people. Its easy to say - I still struggle and sometimes I envision worst outcomes possible. I cannot help the fact that sometimes my mind
lets me tast some sour or dark thoughts but then I just realise "hey wait a moment - I dont want to think about that" :) And then I focus
my attention on something that feels good, that gives me strenghth.

Today and yesterday I stay in my parents house. I took the ciggaretes, because I havent yet kicked them - but I plan to. Here I dont drink
(alcohol) and I read books, talk with them - enjoy my time I can be with them. Family gives me so much happiness although me and them
are very different but the sense of belonging to eachother is priceless.

I really value many things in life. I wanna have another chance and this time show that I am up to the task. The fact that for the last couple
of years I was doing bad things, like excessive gaming - was because I couldnt just win against my conditioning. I felt forced to play games,
I couldnt let go of resistance towards anything productive. Its almost as if my ego-or conditioning told: "I am against life and as long as you
are conditioned by my, you will be too". So I felt forced to do bad things with almost no choice whatsoever. Every choice was "bad".

Right now I studied quite a lot of Abraham Hicks books so I am familiar with law of attraction. It feels my heart with hope that God havent
put cross on my name and that He/She/It - whatever still gives me a reason .... to live. I know that it sounds like from a bad movie or song
but what I can do? For last few years I felt so frustrated and sad that finally I want to.... start living purposfully and do not make pain and
suffering my pupose.

Id like to get a job, to have a girlfriend, dog and house. I'd like to realise myself in some kind of proffesion - let it be artistic or design or
whatever - just something that I feel Im good at or at least reasonable. God gave me talents. He also gave me problems. I want to make best
use of what I got. I wanna be better.
Im just a cloudless sky :)
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby Webwanderer » Sun Jul 29, 2012 4:18 pm

tikey wrote:But you didnt answear directly to what you think about me - loosing the chance to break my resistance once and for all.

You may loose 'a' chance, but you can't loose 'the' chance so long as you still breathe in a human form. If you've been studying Abraham then you know one of the common teachings is that "you can't get it wrong because you can't get it done". There is always more to grow into because the evolution of consciousness - your consciousness - is eternal and inevitably unfolding. What you've accomplish so far in terms of waking up or alignment is irrevocably valuable. Just stay with it, and over time you will see results. Look back a year or two in your life and you can see that you've come a good ways in developing clarity. But there will always be ebbs and flows.

Old habits and conditioning are strongly ingrained. And looking for immediate results in change is generally counter productive. The real measure is time spent feeling good simply for the sake of feeling good. Awakening is not a logical process so much is it is a felt experience. So feel your way into alignment with your true nature. As you become conscious of being without the distraction of thought you feel the upliftment of your Source energy flow. It's always there awaiting your attention and focus. This is where the real work of of conscious expansion and life enjoyment is known. What happens in the rest of our life is simply the contrast that reminds us of where our true nature is experienced.

loosing the chance to break my resistance once and for all.

Focusing on this concern will simply bring more energy to its continued existence. There may well be no 'once and for all'. If you can be okay with that it will cease to be a big deal and you can simply learn how to do maintenance on it by creating a perspective that makes its arising in your thought short lived. You can see it for what it is - a conditioning that thought created - and decide it matters little relative to the greater understanding that you hold. Rest awhile in your awareness of being and allow a perspective from your true nature to return.

I have this exercies in my studies that I have to do. I really resist them and have
no space-no inner space - in which I could welcome them... So I cant just relax and do them.

'Can't' is just a belief that you hold that is manifesting in your experience. Change your belief about 'can't'.

"I believe that I can't, and that I have no inner space, but it's really just a belief."
"Maybe I can look at it in a different way and create a new belief."
"I probably can if I get centered and try."
"I've done these exercises before, so it's likely I can do them again."
"Maybe I can find one thing in these exercises that I can do well."
"Maybe that one thing will lead to another part that I can do better."
"This is really not as bad as I had thought."
"When I'm quiet and clear on my beingness I feel better about everything."

Do you see how you can create an inner dialog that brings a new perspective to those things we resist? The resistance feelings are created in much the same way by an inner dialog of resistance (I hate this) - albeit more unconsciously, or more by default. Replace your inner dialog with one that helps you rather than hinders you. The key to that replacement of course is the power of alignment that is found in your feeling of being. Feel who you are, deeply and clearly, and choose a dialog while in that clarity with purpose and intent until it becomes an automatic perspective. Repeat it until you believe it and the debilitating feel of those tasks will melt away.

WW
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby Dohjo » Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:10 pm

This is some very nice and useful suggestions for everybody. They are very concrete


Thanks
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby Ralph » Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:55 pm

Tikey, I like your signature " Im just a cloudless sky :) "

... and if I may add, everything else is just the weather.
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Jul 30, 2012 1:44 am

Our thoughts, become our words, become our actions, become our habits, become our character.

If you can 'interrupt your thoughts' and be aware of the words there is one really helpful one to watch out for - 'can't' - whenever this word comes up check if you really mean can not, or choose not - this gives you back the power over your thoughts.

More often than not the use of 'I can't ....' really means I choose not to .... but we abdicate our response ability in the choice.
If you notice this you can arrest it and say instead I choose not to ....

If you're happy with that as a resonant choice there is no thing to make a problem out of you are choosing consciously, willingly.

From there you may change your mind and choose to.... and then this is a resonant choice, not someone else making you, needing you, expecting you.. any thing that you could make enemy, obstacle or means to an end of - you are simply choosing to willingly do ....

So then the action or non- action becomes I am willing - I will, or I am not willing - I won't.

There is a huge difference in the power and awareness of that power in action. It is usually also more honest, which is the highest form of love for self and others.

EG: If someone asks you to do something or go somewhere and you say 'I can't' the reality is probably more 'I choose not to' but in both cases it leads to I won't (will not - am not willing to).

As an exercise (and you can start with looking at your posts) 'catch' yourself using I can't... (if you are willing to :wink: ) and see if it changes your thoughts, words, actions, habits, character.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: Did I miss the only chance in life?

Postby tikey » Mon Jul 30, 2012 6:08 pm

Thanks eveyone for answears especiall to Webwanderer. You are priceless people who are "there" when I need you.

If you knew how much I struggle you would really love me. You know why? Because (in poland) we say you meet your friend in your misery. I am so mise-
rable that I would do anything to change that. I have the will of a warrior and heart of a lion. Although I look like a thin bird.

I really respect all you wrote to me. Theese are priceless advices and I will put my attention to them and I will try to use them. To give my all grattitude to
webwanderer I will try to come with my own line of reasoning:

I can do those difficult tasks.
I know I can do them, because they involve computer.
I am good at computer.
Using computer is fun.
Doing those exercises can be fun.

Thats the best what I came up with.

Its really all about surviving for me right now. I need to make it day after day (so have too) but I struggle a lot. I put my heart in Eckharts' taching's
because they filled me with... presence.

I dont want to talk anymore about me. Its pointless to continously speak about problems. I will use whatever I can to survive. I need to focus
my attention on the good things. I need to focus on my dreams. On what I choose to be, experience and achieve. So should You, its not only about me
anymore.

If I could share any wisdom with you - who helped me and are here with me- it would be this: never give up. There is always something with you that
makes it possible for you to thrive and prosper in any situation. You can do it - as abraham song goes (for those who know what I mean).

I will return to my daily life - after this conversation with you - and I hope it will be easier for me. I will listen some more abraham tapes (I will re- listen
them because I almost memorized them already so its nothing new :) ) and maybe one day - one day - I will live joyfully and effortlessly. I will find my
purpose and my goal. Thats something that inspires me very much. Im still in my twenties. So I am still in a stage of development. (as human being).
I trace backwards my mistakes, my foolishness and I look at it with empathy, with understanding and with love although there was a time when I couldnt
forgive myself my mistakes. They were too fresh, too painfull. I couldnt forgive. I was suffering for 2 years. Like a prisoner in my own mind. That made
me stronger although I know that I still have to go much further in order to completely heal.

You are all here an inspiration and support. If you could be in mu family I would joyfully let you in - because my own family - which I love dearly - is just
the type of consciousness which knows a little or nothing about the love. The spirit. The true salvation and fearlesness.

And - I will end with that - its something I hope all of you will experience in your life. You have my blessing. :)
Im just a cloudless sky :)
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