After being in hell for long time

[imago dei]

Hi all,
I'm new here and I'm very glad to share my experiences and reflexions with people who can understand me. It's hard to understand some things for people who haven't suffered enough, and i need to share some opinions and feelings.
Well, i'm a woman and 26 years old now, i've had many mental disorders for the whole of my life, dissociation (depersonalization, derealization), i felt abandoned, i had avoidant-borderline disorder.
I could never had a normal life for long time, i never had a job coz none accepted me coz of my anxiety and all the rest. I was very afraid of people and never had a normal, social life, nor a decent boyfriend (only one 40 years old man that i didn't even liked).
That's all right.
Magically once i "saw" my fear, i "looked" into her eyes, and told her "you don't belong to me, i don't want you anymore", so i think i became present. I understood that that horrible feeling had ruined my whole life, and i was determined to hunt it away.
Since that moment (3 years ago), i realized that the present moment is all we have, what would my life have been without this knowledge??? I think i would have hanged myself.
But nowadays my mind still works and works and works, sometimes i spend hours at thinking about the past, future, people, events, look, opinions......But the difference is that now i can observe those toughts, while thinking i still know that i'm absent. Sometimes i even spend the whole day at thinking, but i can "see" them, and how far away from reality are they.
Am i free?? Am i safe, in your opinion??? Even when i'm absent, could i ever forget that the present moment is all we have??
Sometimes i'm kinda "afraid" to lose this vital knowledge.
Thank you for giving me attention.

[Rick]

Even when i'm absent, could i ever forget that the present moment is all we have??
Sometimes i'm kinda "afraid" to lose this vital knowledge.

Hello there,

Do not be afraid. You can not lose what You are made of. This Awareness is Who You are, as You already know. If You sometimes forget to keep the focus on the Seeing, and lose Yourself in the seen, do not worry. Who You really are will soon enough remind you again where to put the emphasis. You already know this to be true. Trust It always. This game of remembering and then forgetting only to remember again is just a part of how it works in Life, and serves to strengthen and establish You more and more in Your True Self. Let it all be. Laugh and enjoy. It can be such fun playing the Game of Hide and Seek.

[karmarider]

Welcome.

I look forward to hearing more from you about facing up to the fear. I think the inner atmosphere of fear is the only problem we have and when we can address and eliminate this context of fear, everything else falls into place on its own.

[kiki]

Rick said it about as well as it can be said.

[imago dei]

Welcome.

I look forward to hearing more from you about facing up to the fear. I think the inner atmosphere of fear is the only problem we have and when we can address and eliminate this context of fear, everything else falls into place on its own.

It's hard to explain such events with words, we all know that. But once i just "looked" at the fear, angst, at my heart running always faster, then i realized "here she is, all my pain". She was very strong, i felt separeted from reality, it's what is called "state of shock". Probably my greatest fortune ever, coz i had to wake up from this nightmare. It's hard to understand what i mean, if you haven't experienced it, imo.
So, every time i can see her, i'm safe, right??? This question comes in my mind since 3 years ago. I still have mountains of toughts, but basically i think that i'm awake, and i never want to sleep anymore
Anyway it seems that i'm still here and now

[imago dei]

Even when i'm absent, could i ever forget that the present moment is all we have??
Sometimes i'm kinda "afraid" to lose this vital knowledge.

Hello there,

Do not be afraid. You can not lose what You are made of. This Awareness is Who You are, as You already know. If You sometimes forget to keep the focus on the Seeing, and lose Yourself in the seen, do not worry. Who You really are will soon enough remind you again where to put the emphasis. You already know this to be true. Trust It always. This game of remembering and then forgetting only to remember again is just a part of how it works in Life, and serves to strengthen and establish You more and more in Your True Self. Let it all be. Laugh and enjoy. It can be such fun playing the Game of Hide and Seek.

Thank you for your words, they sound so "full of Life", as i feel them. It was a kind of rethorical question, the answer was obvious, but i needed someone telling me it.
Yes, my mind is still strong and loves working all the time, but at the same time i don't "follow" its contents, otherwise i'd become mentally ill as once i was!!!
The point is that i see so much sufference, problems, craziness around me, it still seems to be unreal not to have "problems" anymore. Anyway i could never forget that Now is all we have, it's the only good thing i made in my life, i mean discovering this truth.

[Blenderhead]

Welcome

Dissolving deep unconsciousness is the most difficult part of awakening, so it sounds like you have lighter times ahead of you

It can take 2-3 years to reduce the intensity of a heavy painbody with about 80 % - Eckhart Tolle says this in one of his retreats. If you can dissolve this pain inside you, you have done the world a great job. Dissolving the painbody is the most important contribution you can give to society and the world. Create small gaps of "no thought" throughout your day. Everytime you stop thinking for a couple of seconds, you are free from identication with the painbody. This will weaken the painbody and take you out of the problems in your mind.

I wish you the best

[Midnight]

hey imago.

I've been experiencing dissociation for a couple of years now. 'Hell' is a very good way of putting it

If you ever want a chat, don't hesitate to PM me. I know how dark it can feel, like you are losing your mind - you can come through.

[imago dei]

hey imago.

I've been experiencing dissociation for a couple of years now. 'Hell' is a very good way of putting it

If you ever want a chat, don't hesitate to PM me. I know how dark it can feel, like you are losing your mind - you can come through.

Write me whenever you want.
I had a very hard trauma cause of the rejection and abandonment by my mother, she suffers of schizophrenia and totally traumatized me with every kind of abuse. I don't think there's anything worse in the world.
I experimented what is called "state of shock", it's like being paralized, apart of the world, shocked. I felt that way very often, plus i suffered of anxiety for the 100% of time. And my parents always telling me "you're useless, you're guilty, you're weird and you have to suffer".
That was probably the biggest luck in my life, coz it made me think "ok, you have to work on yourself".
Since one day i never experimented that shock anymore, that's how i'd define my "enlightment".
I "always" observe my mind and body, that's what i do in my days. It's what is called enlightment, i guess. Nothing more, nothing less.

[imago dei]

Welcome

Dissolving deep unconsciousness is the most difficult part of awakening, so it sounds like you have lighter times ahead of you

It can take 2-3 years to reduce the intensity of a heavy painbody with about 80 % - Eckhart Tolle says this in one of his retreats. If you can dissolve this pain inside you, you have done the world a great job. Dissolving the painbody is the most important contribution you can give to society and the world. Create small gaps of "no thought" throughout your day. Everytime you stop thinking for a couple of seconds, you are free from identication with the painbody. This will weaken the painbody and take you out of the problems in your mind.

I wish you the best

Yes, i think i've done a great job, i "went out" from my state of shock, which was absolutely the liberation of my life.
I think my pain was so enormous, so total that i should wake up all the ways. I didn't want to, but i necessarily woke up (at that time i didn't even know anything about spirituality, psychology and whatelse).
Ok, this is my story. I'm sure that my positive energy will just help the world, i can see very positive results in all the aspects of my life, i got graduated, i have many friends, i'm healthy and i have a baby now.
I should wake up, i was too unhappy to go on that way.

[Blenderhead]

It sounds really nice

Let us know how it goes.