Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

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Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby MForell » Tue Aug 14, 2012 1:27 pm

Last week i wouldnt even had any desire of writing this, when i was experiencing it. Everything was irrelevant and there was no duality what so ever to anything. And yet i cant say that it was I experiencing it because the "I" that ive thought myself to be for 34 years was completely dropped aside. In instant.
The so called awakening/enlightenment/self-realization was nothing that "I" thought it would be. The illuusion "me" was the one searching for it. I realized that it was searching for it for deeper understanding, happiness and to get rid of fear of death and so on.. The irony is that the very "ME" that is searching for it, GETS RID OF ITSELF on the moment of awakening. So You wont find anything. "YOU" will DROP ASIDE. That was a shock and the strangest thing i have ever experienced. And yet, its somehow even wrong to say that I experienced it. I dont even know what is "I" anymore. Theres no way in words to describe it.
Everything came one. And i dont mean "we are all connected, we feel as one, and so on.." ITS A ONE THING. ABSOLUTE. Everywhere i looked, that was me. Everything i put my awareness on, that was me. A complete absolute NON-duality of everything. It cannot be described and i understand now why "teachers" use the words only as pointers. How could they say more. Its an absloute non-thing to talk about.
It was very very disorienting since the old familiar "ME" was still there, but it was like there was a space between us and i observed. I went around my house, looked at my clothes on the bed and they looked the same but the thought of the owner was strange. There was no identification WHATSOEVER. Names seemed irrelevant. Even my own. It was the name of "ME" that was out of the game. Pictures of people were irrelevant. The faces were like actors in a grand illuusion played by one absolute entity of awarness, and i was it and EVERYONE was it. There even wasnt the consept of "everyone" because there was only ONE.

The familiar "ME" that ive thought myself to be all these years got terrified and the experience got very, very disorientating. At one point i made a concious choice to hang on to it and did everything to get it back. During some hours it slowly returned and the old me was back, confused and disorientated. Its been about week now and im trying to return life as "normal" but you never can. Theres a certain kind of hazyness and soft silence felt inside. And still confusion with the "me" trying to figure out whats real or not. I think im not ready or willing to go there entirely yet. But i know now. And i know the illuusion.

Few things- After awakening theres no one really to claim it, because the "me" you were during your search gets rid of ITSELF. Awarness is left. And absolute ONE, non-duality of things.
- During that experience, even the thought and concept of enlightenment is LIKE A JOKE. Told inside the illuusion we call life.
- Its not an eternal happy realization that its sold out to be sometimes. Its scary stuff to the "ME" you knew all your life. It was like waking up to the matrix, but you wont wake up in a body. You are the matrix. And its all ONE. Absolute.
- To "me", the experience and shock of that oneness and non duality was literally undescribable strange and lonely place. There was nothing and no one to orient or identify anymore. just ONE.

Im sorry if i didnt make any sense to you all since its so hard to describe it and its been wearing off now for a week. A temporary awakening and the "ME" that was terrified and dear to me, wanted back in.
I think im gonna live in illuusion and let death rip away the illuusion me in the end. After all life wants to experience duality, personality, joy, pain, love, sorrow,... or else why would it be like this.

Thank you for reading
This is the first time i talk about last week
Its been very confusing

Hope for support and comments from someone whos actually got there.

Thanks.
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby kiki » Tue Aug 14, 2012 3:42 pm

Welcome to the board, MForell. Your description is very good, and your input on this board will be valuable. Yes, the me/I is gone and that is indeed shocking to the mind and disorienting for a time. Give it some time and see what happens. After all, that's all you can really do since there is no "you" that is in control of anything anyway.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby MForell » Tue Aug 14, 2012 4:24 pm

Thanks for reading kiki.

I ended up posting here because theres really no one you can talk about the experience, how could you ever describe it.
So i ended up searching forums about it and found a few.
In my case, i knew very little of these things and havent been studying this or meditating or anything. Read only one book recently about it.
But from early childhood, i have had these strange "I exist" realisations from time to time, and never quite knew what they were all about.
Last year i was suffering a lot because of loss of loved one, and a relationship, and few other things.

One day i just got to the miserable point of "I surrender". And i didnt just say it out loud, i ment it. Then out of nowhere came a question "Who am i?".
I looked and couldnt wrap my mind around it. Realization led to another, another, another, like a bottomles void.
And thats when the "me" dropped aside. In an instant.
Thats how it happened for me. No effort whatsoever.
I just compromised "Me" and gave up that i knew what i was.
I quess it was spontaneous then.

Im gonna see where it goes from here. Im somewhere in the middleground,the familiar me is now almost completely in charge, but something inside now knows.
Thanks

M.F
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby kiki » Tue Aug 14, 2012 4:49 pm

Your experience reminds me a lot of Tolle's critical night. It happens that way for some people, and for others it's such a gradual thing that they hardly notice it; it sort of creeps up on them over time and when they reflect on things they can't really pin it down as to "when" it happened. For people such as yourself there is often a lot of turmoil, and for the others there is a smoother transition. But as you so accurately stated, it's a spontaneous thing. The people who pursue "it" haven't quite grasped that yet, and seek to make it happen in some way, and that is their downfall. It's in the surrendering, or as you put it, "I just compromised "Me" and gave up that i knew what i was."

Glad to have you here.
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby Natalie » Tue Aug 14, 2012 5:07 pm

Hi MForell and thank you for sharing your experience. I have a couple of questions.

Once you got the ’joke’ weren’t you filled, even for a few seconds, with a very powerful tender feeling….. a different kind of love?.....a feeling not available to us in our day to day life?

When I started having glimpses into experiences similar to yours, I remember an initial feeling of apathy after the experience ended….a feeling that everything was irrelevant, that there was no point to anything, like you describe. Feeling this way didn’t help me or my loved ones as I slacked off on physical exercise, healthy eating and picked up a bad habit I had dropped over 6 years ago, drinking a bottle to a bottle and a half of wine most nights. This lifestyle is not good for me as it doesn’t support the life I want to have with my family.

After a long while, the ‘feeling’ I am now left with after my little excursions into the mystery is one of sheer joy and especially compassion for those who have no choice but believe their emotional pain is real.

Perhaps the perception of your experience will change as mine did. After all, feeling confused and disoriented and lonely in the lives we are familiar with is not fun at all even if we know these lives and the people in them are just an illusion.

Looking forward to your future contributions to this forum.

Natalie
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby MForell » Tue Aug 14, 2012 5:38 pm

Hi Natalie and thanks,

I think the experience was so radical, unexpected and instant for me, that i was lost literally. Thats why i think people who get there slower are in a better place to adjust to it?
I did feel a kind of intimacy i cant describe. Like it was very INTIMATE thing. But I was it. You know it cant be descriped..
I still cant understund how easily it can be stripped away. The old familiar ME.
In the following days it was very hard to relate to anything, apathy as you descriped, and a hazy soft feeling inside all the time.
Everything comes irrelevant. Because its all one!?! to what you relate to?? even the thought of my parents seemed something i couldnt relate to. Irrelevant. Birth, death, everything.
To me it was the end of suffering but also everything else. You are just aware, body works, everything works, mind is somewhere near but not quite there.
I have a feeling it changes over time because the teachers wouldnt even be abble to talk about these things on that stage. it would all be irrelevant.

Thats the reason i think i resisted it and intellectually forced the old me back, with all kinds of explanations for what had happened. I know thats what i did. Concisiously.
Theres a complicated feeling left now.. like somehow wanting more...and yet terrified and wanting to keep my life as i have knew it. The ability to relate to things. To see persons as inviduals.
Im hoping if this goes on, that it will come more slowly and sink in with time. Thats the only way i think i could cope with the radical chance.
And maybe it would change over time to something better like you said.
I came here for somekind of support because its been so confusing and im clad to see there are people experiencing this.
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby MForell » Tue Aug 14, 2012 10:23 pm

Now, after reading other peoples posts over here and trying to figure this out, i see that most people need to try to get there and "practice". Even years.
So i quess my experience is somehow more rare because it was effortless and instant.

Even though my experience was instant, spontaneous and didnt require much effort,
the best advice i can give based on that is this:

By simply looking, i mean REALLY looking at your current "ME" honestly, searching for the feel of "I AM". Not thinking about it , but honestly look to EXPERIENCE who it is.
Sooner or later it leads to absolute humble realization or an "insight", that it is nothing. Its not there to be found. How ever you look, theres a void in the end.
Its only a thought pattern so how it is real. Then it came spontaneus in my case. This is were mind "gave up" and then something collapsed. Something drops away and something shifts.
A total new perseption naked from concepts and the me you thought you were. Awareness and the undescribable non-duality of all.
Thats the best i can describe it. Compromise yourself. Youre only being honest.

And if it goes as my experience was, the ME who is looking for the answer in the first place, will be down and out. Problem solved.
Thats the disorientating, weird thing about it. Its not what most of you expect i think. Its not like your familar ME will get happy, loving, and in spiritual harmony rest of its life.
Its the complete collapse of that ME. Thats why i think it might be better to have it happen over longer period of time and slow if its possible like that?
Im hoping someone experienced this happen to them the way it happened to me so i can share thoughts with someone who relates to all this..

Now i cannot say im fully awake. Like in a light haze, but its right there, at all times. Just need time now to figure out what i want and who it is that wants.
There is somekind of relief within me now like something heavy has been lifted off and il just go with that for now...

Your thoughts are welcome
Take care

M.F
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby MForell » Tue Aug 21, 2012 11:50 pm

Went to the tigers mouth, had to take the hardway and my friend pulled me out <3
Today is my birthday. The real me that ive always been afraid to be. I ran trough the rain laughing from joy.

Love, M.F
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby arel » Wed Aug 22, 2012 4:31 am

Happy birthday :) and I hope you that you are post more often... :) what you write sounds nice and clear to me
What I say is only my viewpoint.
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby MForell » Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:17 pm

Thanks Arel :)
Will write more after honemooning with my self.
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby Midnight » Fri Aug 24, 2012 6:43 pm

the same thing happened to me except i didn't find any unity consciousness or any such thing. All i found was a void and a lack of myself. Is the tremendous fear that I feel an indication that I should stop or keep going? this was 2 years ago btw.
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby jan-sandahl » Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:11 pm

I´m truly not in a position to say anything about the matter, but in theory it´s probably your ego that doesn´t want to die. If I were you, or if you are sincere about realization - keep going. Perhaps find a knowledgable teacher.

I hope you (MForell) will keep posting. I find it very interesting to read about your experience as it develops.
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby fallinlove » Fri Sep 21, 2012 12:45 am

Midnight wrote:the same thing happened to me except i didn't find any unity consciousness or any such thing. All i found was a void and a lack of myself. Is the tremendous fear that I feel an indication that I should stop or keep going? this was 2 years ago btw.

Hi! You must be the midnight from the dpdr forum!! Peace brotha!
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby Midnight » Tue Sep 25, 2012 2:26 am

fallinlove wrote:
Midnight wrote:the same thing happened to me except i didn't find any unity consciousness or any such thing. All i found was a void and a lack of myself. Is the tremendous fear that I feel an indication that I should stop or keep going? this was 2 years ago btw.

Hi! You must be the midnight from the dpdr forum!! Peace brotha!

lol, hey
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Re: Back from the rabbithole and "I" am shocked.

Postby MForell » Mon Dec 24, 2012 6:58 pm

Self realization brings everything to one absolute. Its like life forced us from the beginning of our birth to create a wrong perception to all things. Because it is needed to survive. Mind develops it.

An eye see's everything but itself. Anything that an Eye see's, is not the eye.
Anything that Awareness is aware of, is not Awareness.

I cannot OWN anything, i am everything.
I cannot HAVE a life, I am life.
Its not me HERE and the universe THERE, i am the universe experiencing ITSELF.
Selfrealisation is not about finding the answer.
Its about realizing there never was a question.

I cannot separate myself anymore from the present, thats absolutely all you ever have. One panorama, changing forms. I dont know how i ever could have missed that.

Merry christmas.
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