Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Sun Sep 16, 2012 2:21 pm

A short background. 2012 has been, partly, an intense year, in meditation efforts and converging personal crisis. Before 2012, I´ve had big difficulties when trying to meditate. I made breathing into a big problem and I just couldn´t feel relaxed at all.

Crisis pushed me towards eastern ways of viewing life, and I began to understand some of the insights, through different speakers on the subject, on internet. I found that listening to various approaches on the matter helped open some doors, and it had the power to relax me a little. Coming to terms with the whole duality thing seemed an important step. For a while everything revolved around Alan Watts sometimes humourous approach.

Feeling rather comfortable, intellectually, around it, it was Eckharts simple and direct approach that finally made me get somewhere. Through a period of a a few summer days, and a magical view from my balcony on the 6th floor, I listened to his two audio books, and the meditation I did involved much active effort. Certainly with a good portion of wishful thinking too.

Nevertheless, it did open something, and teared some of my defences apart. Since then I´ve had a very distinct, and very hard to describe, feeling or state of mind when meditating. Not overpowering in strength, but very distinct. If nothing else, I now knew how to do "calm". I´ve taken meditation with me almost everywhere, and normal breathing for me now is slow, deep and effortless - most of the time. It has become increasingly easy to reach that pleasing state. Very soothing, calm and a little confusing too. However, I´m inviting the feeling whenever I sense it.

The last few weeks it´s as if this state of mind has attained a will of its own. It´s pushing, to be present, without me thinking about it at all. Yesterday I saw "Monster Jam" together with my nine year old son here in Gothenburg. In the middle of loud roring engines and general calamity, the feeling made it very clear it wanted out. So, I found myself enjoying MJ and doing meditation at the same time. The experience that this feeling acts on its own is what made me post today.

Generally, I don´t feel strongly about particular goals anymore. I´m not here to achieve anything special and while awakening may be a truly profound thing, I don´t expect bells and whistles to go with it. I will simply do my best to follow this recipe for life:

1. Take life, as it is.
2. Add nothing.
3. Repeat.

Also, I find myself resonating with what Krishnamurti said, (something like) "No teacher, no pupil, there´s no leader, there´s no guru, there´s no master, no saviour. You yourself are the pupil, the teacher, the master, the guru, the leader. You are everything."

I don´t know where all this is going, so I just keep moving as naturally guided by what happens inside me as possible.
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby runstrails » Sun Sep 16, 2012 4:09 pm

Thanks for the update, Jan. Keep us posted.
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby randomguy » Sun Sep 16, 2012 4:58 pm

So, I found myself enjoying MJ and doing meditation at the same time.

Hi Jan, I can relate to your post. Yes it's like observing 2 wills at once, the universal and the personal, and like you say, the thinking about inquiry drops away and the meditation becomes automatic and constant. I remember a distinct event where this struck me. I was having a disagreement with the better half with all of the regular personal animation while also experiencing the peace and surrender of meditation. I find it just deepens on it's own and the personal quiets down. I think it was Ramana who said that his life was a continuous meditation.

I like your recipe.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Thu Oct 04, 2012 8:25 pm

randomguy: It was comforting reading your answer, so I had to do my best to reject that feeling for a while. ;)

Since then I´ve had a little "less luck" meditating, but that´s allright because I know that what has begun moving will not go away.

Today I´ve had a little progress in the knowing that personality - all that makes a person is rather hollow structure really. Nerv ends, brain, flesh and memory... People are slowly becoming somewhat transparent entities to me. Or automatic beings. I can see how we get entangled in the "body costume" to the degree that we believe everything our body/mind/brain stores and refers to along the way.

This hollowness/emptiness scares me at the same time as I feel calm about it. I´m definately sinking slowly to the bottom within myself and there are lots of things I don´t worry about anymore. But I don´t feel the joy so much, rather just calmness. Often pretty low on energy. And I´m definatley not in a position where I can look at a far away star - or a snail - and say "That´s me!" Give me another month or so. :)
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby rideforever » Thu Oct 04, 2012 9:39 pm

Perhaps it can help you to do work with your Heart.

Sometimes the work in the Now ends up missing out the Heart, and you forget WHY.

The Heart is the reason.

Try.

What is the Heart ?
What is the connection to the Now ?
What happens if you open the Heart and the Now together ?
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Sun Oct 21, 2012 11:43 am

I didn´t know what to do with your pointers - probably just because it´s needed...

I´m still not quite sure, but it recently lead me to a couple of Adyashanti satsangs on youtube which had a great warmth to them. I understand it better now, but I tend to shut things out.

After a period of inability through depression, I´m possibly a little more open again. I use all things coming my way as spiritual teachers, and try not to care for, or measuring, any kind of success rate. Just maintaining an open feeling. It makes me see how deeply entrenched I have been (and still is), and I have had ever so tiny glimpses of that inner emptiness, spaciousness that has this stillness no matter what is going on on the outside.

I think this is my greatest "progress"; letting go off efforts, and slowly becoming aware of the ego as a lesser part of my being. I know the ego will stay, so I´m not trying to get rid of it, but I am seeing it through, and learning to use it better from within.

I´ve also decided to trust myself as a spiritual finder, not a seeker, however small the findings may be. Trusting grace more than effort. Also contemplating on myself as a baby, with boundless mind (no questions) and no separation. Remembering that I have only forgotten how the world used to feel then.

Now, I don´t view the whole enlightenment thing as something complicated, or unacheivable. Contrary to that, it seems more and more as the simplest thing there is.

However, this IS on my mind almost all of the time, so it´s definately like have beeing "bitten by the spiritual bug", as Adyashanti puts it.
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Sun Nov 04, 2012 1:07 am

I have listened to Adyas "true meditation" a number of times recently, and realised I´m actually (automatically) already doing it that way; letting go of the control and the meditator etc. I feel the truth of this. It even sounded basic and I wondered how on earth it took him several years to find that out. Great, so ego is giving itself a pat on the shoulder, and I have in a short period of time come to rely upon myself as the authority of my own path. Great, even if I´m extremely aware of the fact that it´s the actual walking this path that lies ahead of me now and I´m running short of excuses.

Extending it a bit further, It´s clear to me that "the enlightened state" in no way represents an end state. True, I hear things like "there´s no end of the depths of unfolding, surrender" etc - and that´s fine and I agree intellectually on that. However, I feel there is a risk that the main part of humanity can get stuck on an enlightened "entry level". Is it spiritual pride that makes me concerned of this or what? I think humanity can get hung up on this too, in exacly the same way we got hung up on superficial traits of the old religions. Probably that´s the way it´s going to be, and that´s actually fine too. Babysteps in the general progressing towards unbiased truth.

I can truly sense my own closeness to "being aware of everything at once", the totality of a single unified feel of the universe as an unbroken wholeness, and yes - it frightens me. The fear of fear frightens me most. I´ve already concluded that I really don´t have anything particulary precious to lose but even so I suspect some serious struggles ahead. It has started, I don´t know why, but there is the understanding that there is no turning back from what I´ve invited.

Side note: Knowing my temperament, I´m not relying mainly on regularly (daily) meditation. I know I previously have been creating obstacles this way, trying to follow a discipline and rules, so for now It´s not my main concern. More so is my thirst for flashes of insight and revelations. The spontaneous knowing. For me, it seems much more powerful, potent and important.
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Sat Nov 10, 2012 12:13 am

I could use a pointer or two, on the subject of how to combine the "let everything be as it is" and finding solid grounds for decisions, in crise-like situations.

Is courage and looking deeper the only answer?
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby the key master » Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:48 pm

jan-sandahl wrote:I could use a pointer or two, on the subject of how to combine the "let everything be as it is" and finding solid grounds for decisions, in crise-like situations.

Is courage and looking deeper the only answer?


Treating both pointers as true in the ideological context of how mind should be thinking isn't going to work. You're going to think how you want whenever you want anyway. I see you mentioned Adya, and I'm quite certain he uses the 'let everything be as it is' pointer in his true meditation, as a way of giving mind permission to surrender the argument or desire to change whatever is happening right now, which can allow mind to notice how what its doing is causing what is being experienced as unpeace, as opposed to life or anyone else. In the absence of mind doing that, its noticed Peace is always actually the case. This isn't a personal peace, so to speak.

In contrast, finding solid grounds for decisions, well I dunno how useful that pointer is, as the search for solid ground tends to get rattled by earthquakes you can't control anyway. I think its helpful to become conscious of the motivations for why you want to think along a certain line compared to another. I think noticing how fear, and avoidance of fear, is factoring into the equation can shed light on which direction you would actually move in the absence of mind being split against itself, or wanting to go two different ways simultaneously, meaning, in the absence of unconscious motivation mind's conscious movement could change in one way or another, which can lead to the absence of 'second guessing'. At the same time, nothing wrong with changing your mind, so stay open and keep your ear to the street. Thinking rigidly and refusing to compromise with one's own spontaneous impulses can lead to an unhealthy psychological environment. Finally, if you think a long term plan is being called for, don't be scared to whip one up. You'll give precedent to what you deem matters most, so seeing you aren't really in control of the whole process, can allow complete and total ownership of the spontaneous nature of all that's you.
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby rideforever » Sun Nov 11, 2012 9:44 pm

jan-sandahl wrote:I could use a pointer or two, on the subject of how to combine the "let everything be as it is" and finding solid grounds for decisions, in crise-like situations.

Is courage and looking deeper the only answer?

I can tell you what I am doing.

Today at 6pm I said I would only do what my heart wanted for 1 hour. So I just asked my heart what it wanted and then I did it. And after I was finished I just asked again. Of course my mind had a lot of other ideas, but I made a promise for 1 hour.

Anyway ... this seems like the correct way. Anything else is just a mess. The heart seems pretty clear about what it wants ... just do it.
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Tue Nov 13, 2012 6:10 pm

Thank you both for engaging.

None of my decision grounds (1. Twentyfive years or so suppressing of naturalness/spontaneity - clearly the outcome of that is a mess. 2."The new trusting", still elusive/unstable) offer something I feel I can trust.

I do find peace in knowing that I´m not my thoughts or feelings. I can feel them falling, more and more losing their importance and the peace in that. I can find peace in surrender, even in the outlook that I may not be able to ever again do what I love most. I have experienced dissolving of seemingly impossible dilemmas. Opposing forces that just collapses. I have overcome much of what I thought I needed in life. I think I could even be able to just grow the allowing and to stay in presence for the rest of my life, regardless of all doing.

But at the same time (for now), I can also feel robbed of the possibility to do things I love, that has been a great source of joy in my life. It´s right here where difficult decision making comes in.

Maybe taking smaller steps could make me see clearer. I´ll see if I can do that. And less thinking...
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Thu Nov 29, 2012 10:04 am

Strange... I don´t need stillness anymore to feel that deep meditative quality to life. In fact, as of now I almost recent stillness and prefer the opposite. I can almost feel the watcher behind, and wonder what this will lead to or if I´m deluding myself. So far; to have actively engaged in meditation has been like going to the gym to get it started, and now it just keeps rolling by itself. I´m just tagging along. What am I? A spirit having a human experience or a human having a spiritual experience?
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby smiileyjen101 » Fri Nov 30, 2012 1:01 am

Like us all you are Being Human on the travelator of life :)

I noticed your earlier post of what to do when things go 'wrong'... things just 'go'... full stop.

Whether we go with them or against them creates its own experiences.

An excerpt from a blog of mine might explain these... although it's a bit out of context I was flowing with it, rather than against it in a funny/crazy being human experience recently. (running - literally- and waaaaaayyyyy late for a plane)

...
So goodness knows how many gates away - I had time while walking very very very fast on one of those travelator things, to wonder how much quicker it (technically) is than on the ground. When you are moving and it is also moving, in the same direction.

And it seemed a strange thing to be wondering in such a situation, but I now think it's important and related back to the stories of Don Miguel Ruiz, (The Four Agreements) and Neale Donald Walsch (Conversations with God) from the last day of the conference.

If one is moving with the flow of creation - if you are moving and creation is moving in a known direction of course it's going to be easier and quicker to get to where you're going.

Of course no one or no thing is going to presume to decide for you (NDW on free will).

You can just stand still on them oblivious to it and let 'creation' take you, or you can knowingly join with the energy of life and make the going easier and quicker by fully participating - as I had been in the dilemma of my own making.

Of course you can also stand on them facing the wrong way and wondering why you're not getting anywhere. No choice is wrong... ... it just brings a different experience.

(excerpt from... http://smileyjen101.blogspot.com.au/201 ... -life.html


BEing aware of where you are on the travelator of life, and which way you're facing in response to life in motion can make even crazy situations a ton of fun.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Fri Nov 30, 2012 12:00 pm

It´s almost spot on, about where I stand right now, trying to marry the more "passive" approach (to feel, sense, don´t filter anything, allow everything to just be as it is et c) and the participatory approach (info from Gregg Braden and others). I never felt strong (after "growing up"), and now I will investigate the more active path. It brings tears to my eyes having lived this long in such a confinement. Why did I allow it? At what age or time does the responsibility begin? I pretty much left guilt behind me, as it has been obvious its a diminishing concept (still struggling with some people though), to me anyway. Also, it seems I don´t put myself on a coherent path, but that could as well be judgement, nothing more. A piece here, a piece there. Moving forward, or just moving... Second time in a few days CWG came into my awareness. A few days earlier it was the word "Ayahuasca". Never heard of it, then suddenly twice in a day from (seemingly) independent sources. :)

Thank you!
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Re: Report from a beginners 2012 so far.

Postby jan-sandahl » Tue Jan 29, 2013 11:58 am

I´ve found a coherent view and have fused many seemingly opposing things, through the eyes and experiences of Tom Campbell (My Big TOE, a theory of everything). Gotta love a theory of everything that boils down to "Stuff happens - deal with it. Grow up!", "Cooperation" and "Move towards love / lower entropy" in a subjective universe.

Meditation sometimes creates strong vibrations and recently gave me two sleepless nights in a row. I´ve been "warned" by people close to Tom, that this is a precursor to an OBE. While it sounds fascinating, it´s nothing I strive for to happen. Navigating more lovingly in life is primary.

That and meditating more successfully towards point conciousness.

I´m In a pretty good place actually.
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