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Losing everything

Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2012 2:16 am
by letitgo
I wish I could just download my last five years of journals in order to relay this story, but I guess I’ll have to improvise.

My pain really began when I did a certain move with my energy while meditating. Unbeknownst to me, this “move” brought in the light, which in turn showed me my pain. I don’t understand what made me do it. It seemed like the thing to do at the time. I was so oblivious to what was actually happening back then - the connection between these energetic events and my pain - that I would just do them without regard for the pain they would ultimately bring. The cause was to detached from the effect for me to recognize what was happening.

For me, my spiritual journey began with the sensation of energy and vibration. Since I actually could feel the energy, I jumped on this like a hen-on-a-june-bug and made myself the “master of energies”. For several years I focused on this energy; feeling it, doing stuff with it, going to classes about it. There came a time when the cycle of pain - the time between the energy event and the pain which folloed - was close enough for me to notice. I would have a energetic event and be very raw and awkward and on edge for a day or two. Then there came a time when the energetic event’s resulting pain became almost instantaneous. This is when I really began to recognize what a catastrophe I had created and stopped doing the “move” altogether. It was too late. There was no going back. I wished many times over the next year or two that I could stop this train of events. But it had reached a point - in fact it had always been - far beyond my control.

I’ve posted about these energetic events before. Quite frankly - over the past few years - every time I reached some sort of perceived milestone, I would post things and make assumptions and jump to conclusions and decide I had it all figured out. THIS post certainly, is not an attempt at an assumption. I know I’m not in control, I know I don’t know anything, I know I am simply watching - and praying - as it happens.

My prayers, however, are no longer “asking” for anything to happen. They are not supplications for things to change. They are not attempts to coax God or the Universe into my corner. They are only statements of who I am and attempts to be and stay in direct connection with this energy that has consistently and relentlessly infiltrated my being.

My fear throughout this entire process, was that I would lose control - that I would have to give up everything. I fought it every step of the way. When all this started I was a powerful, steak-eating, bourbon drinking, staunchly conservative general contractor. Today, I am a marshmallow. I have lost my ability to eat meat, I can’t tolerate alcohol, I’m about as liberal as they come, I lost my business and recently lost my wife of 31 years. (She left me.) So I’m pretty sure - somewhere along the line - I lost control.

Now we come to the point of my post… I no longer have any fear or pain, and the energetic move that started all of this - the same move that I absolutely would not repeat once I figured out how it related to my pain and fear - is the move I now do almost constantly at the first sensation of any lower energy. It pulls me immediately into presence and out of the illusion.

I am attempting to rebuild my life. Not by my own might or my own stamina or my own intelligence or my own abilities, but I’m trying to watch what happens. I guess this is where the rubber hit’s the road, and I’m open to suggestions if anybody has any.

Thanks for listening,

Re: Losing everything

Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 1:42 am
by far_eastofwest
bourbourn drinking and flesh eating really isn't the pinnacle of life, sounds like you've lost some less than desirable habits...
go forth, just be careful of the 'have no control' type thinking, its an easy peasy way of saying 'have no responsibility when things go arse up'.

Control what you can (and know the diference between what you can and can't control in your life) and see what the results are. You can live in the now but still need to make decisions and use discernment so you don't end up sleeping under newspapers in your old age covered in body lice.

All the things you have 'lost'... maybe not think of them as lost, but just having left your life and made room for some more things to enter.

with the RE build your life, maybe build a new one. REbuild is just building the old thing again, and it sounds like you have moved away from your old life and could do well to focus on building a totally new one (rebuilding never really works). You can start on Life Mk II

Powerful meat eating boozing .... now liberal marshmallow? Maybe you took control of your life rather than lost control? Sound much nicer to me, just my opinion...
good luck

Re: Losing everything

Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 10:53 pm
by smiileyjen101
Thanks for listening,
Gosh thank you for sharing Norm.
I am attempting to rebuild my life. Not by my own might or my own stamina or my own intelligence or my own abilities, but I’m trying to watch what happens. I guess this is where the rubber hit’s the road, and I’m open to suggestions if anybody has any.
Seeing as you're such a marshmallow now :wink: I hope you don't mind if I share a notion from a feminine perspective. Every time we get pregnant - impregnated with new life, (or a new life) we are in exactly the same boat, we can have hopes and dreams and yet absolutely no control over most of it.

We can however actively and willingly 'assist', not overpower what 'it' is, but in awareness of self and others - all others we can knowingly give over our 'selves' to life. Gees I hope that doesn't sound all 'religious' it's not - religions have a 'prescription' for living. Life just is.

So a thing I went through a few years ago I realised, accepted and moved into enjoyment and enthusiasm WITH life.
a) my former 'life' was over, gone, dead, buried not coming back and that's okay too - acceptance.
b) My new life was .... an empty canvas... and in partnership with life I could paint on it whatever I damn well wanted to -
blue stoke - done! pink polka dots - gorgeous! long squiggly purple lines amid yellow background - stunning! Dark bits in the corner... ooookkay!

c) -- don't know if you'll go with this but a new life - I went through my typical difficult pregnancy - the 2nd stage labour was a doozy!!! Then I was born, the toddler stage was an absolute delight of discovering who I really am... so much fun and falling over and laughing and crying and frustrations and acceptances - I thought I 'had' it and knew it all so many times I would go this is who I really am, then grow, get all excited, this is who I really am, grow this is who I really am, get excited... I got so excited about who I really am so many times my daughter said 'Mum, stop!' :shock: 'That's who've you've always been, you just didn't know it.'

Then I realised whether a baby helpless and new, a toddler falling over ourselves in discoveries, a pre-teen nervous about changes, a teen that knows it all... it's all a journey of amazing discovery AND we get to put onto our canvas whatever we damn well like!

I'd say the same as ET - knowing conscious doing/being in either acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm makes a beautiful picture - and while one might recognise making enemy, obstacle, means to an end - one knows that is not who we really are, it's that little dark bit on the edges of our lives, not the centre of it.

(Handy Hint: the teenage period is one heck of a wild ride in these times!!)

Re: Losing everything

Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 5:13 am
by letitgo
Thanks, far_eastofwest and smiileyjen101. I appreciate your comments. I seem to “appreciate” all comments these days. I feel that if someone is saying something to me I should listen intently. (Shocking premise… something I certainly did little of in the past).

My statements regarding my “losses” don’t reflect the spontaneous - although at the time quite confusing - moments of completely unearned and undeserved blessings that have flooded my life. These gifts have been consistent throughout my life, although I scoffed at them up until the past year or so when they became so clear and blatant I could no longer look at them as anything but examples of universal, unrequited, unconditional love. As I see these gifts as truth, more gifts avail themselves to me. Somehow, even now, alone, missing my wife, I am blessed. This is a new beginning.

This spiritual path has been likened to a pregnancy; a glorious, scary, painful blessing. I kind of feel like the labor is over. My pain is gone - thank God. Now I just have to very specifically live the life of my choosing… something I’ve never done before. One step at a time!

Re: Losing everything

Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 9:24 pm
by smiileyjen101
Your energy is a delight Norm. These life reviews done in the body are wonderful, need no proving and the results are amazing.

The 'pay attention' appreciation is a wonderful widening of consciousness.

I heard recently that 'one who is as happy in their sorrow as they are in their joy, have the key to life'. A pretty great gift and much to be appreciated.

I hope you hang around and share your experiences.

One step at a time indeed. In more difficult times I added 'and remembering to breathe'. (the physical part :wink: )

Re: Losing everything

Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:04 am
by letitgo
It's been a long time since I logged on, but as I re-read the responses to this original post, I have no choice but to recognize your compassion. I'm so thankful that there are people like yourselves. You didn't say "oh, you need to do this" or "oh, you need to be aware of that", you just responded in a helpful and loving way.

Just wanted to say, "thank you", and really hope you're having a great life - because that's exactly what I hope for you!

Re: Losing everything

Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 11:02 pm
by Onceler
Good to hear from you, Norm. Hope things are well.