My Experience with the Power of Now

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

My Experience with the Power of Now

Postby Mental » Tue Jan 15, 2013 3:30 am

Hey everyone. First post here and after browsing the forums for a few days I thought I would share my experience from the day I read the power of now to the present moment.

First I want to start with some background. I’ve always been naturally funny with a good sense of humor but shy at the same time. Throughout high school I didn’t have much confidence in myself and was very self-conscious, which continued this way through my first two years of college. I made huge strides in college but always let my ego rule my mind. It wasn’t until one of my professors mentioned this book in class, saying how it completely changed her life. I must have suppressed this memory because it couldn’t have come at a better time later down the road. This time was during my summer job working as a web developer. Now at first I enjoyed this position, but could never find a passion or a knack for it despite loving it in high school. Anyway, I kept having thoughts of “I am not good enough for this job” and “I am only an intern, no one here respects me”, etc. These thoughts continued until one day I couldn’t take it anymore, I absolutely dreaded going into work. However I remembered my professor talking about a book that changed her life, found it online, then grabbed it on the way home at Barnes and Noble. Little did I know that this book would completely change my life as well.

That night I got really stoned and started reading the book. Even the first page resonated with me where Eckhart said “If I can not live with myself anymore, there must be two of me” or something like that. I kept reading and many instances in the book made so much sense to me that I could actually connect them to personal experiences in my life. I think this is what made the change so radical, pretty much my ability to directly compare the book to my life (situation). Anyway, the book completely destroyed my negative and condescending ego. I felt unlocked and I totally felt the power of now through my body. I found extreme peace in simply sitting on my deck and just being. Being one with myself and one with the world. I felt aligned with something so much greater than me that I couldn’t even describe it. It was as if the world was working in my favor, handing me things that honestly seemed too good to be true. Things would happen to me, small things yet so powerful and meaningful. I wish I could give an example, but it was maybe 6 months ago and I cannot. Anyway I felt perfect, nothing could budge this state I was in. No words or actions could separate me from this feeling I was having. I was so sharp and focused and funny and confident. These words cannot even begin to describe my feeling because it was so pure and natural. I felt connected to people in such a strange way that one of my favorite things to do was talk. I could literally talk to someone for hours and love every moment. The emotions I felt did not stem from my mind, they came from my body. I believe I even fell in love at some point, even if it wasn’t that was what it felt like.

This was my summer, the most amazing life experience I had ever had. I felt I could do anything; I had access to unlimited potential. Then I went back to college for my junior year. Everything was great at first, but then slowly something happened. I am not sure what, but it was as if I was falling from grace. It might have had something to do with returning to my “school self”, the person who I had left of as the previous year. It had its ups and downs, the ups being when I could somehow return to the now. I could literally feel the connectedness to higher being. I could feel a higher power in my body.

And then the time is now. Right now as I lay on my bed writing this in Microsoft word because for some reason safari is bugging out. I feel almost disconnected with the world. I feel numb, not connected to any of my friends; they do not feel like friends even though I love all of them. I feel alienated from my family; I can feel myself emitting some awkward and poisonous energy. It is the scariest experience of my life because I can literally not go on like this. After experiencing the true nature of my being, this state of living is so strange. Thought has returned and struggle within and without is now my normal everyday life. I continuously seek the now, which I think contributes to this feeling. Perhaps now that I know of my greater potential, I seek it with such capacity that I am draining my energy, however I cannot shake it. The thoughts keep coming back into my head. I used to be the wittiest amongst my friends, now I feel like I am not funny. I cannot hold conversation. It feels like I am just coasting through life, that the experiences I am apart of just do not feel like I was actually there. My brain or mind or something feels like it is turned off. I do not feel smart or confident. Confidence now feels alien to me, I feel an awkward sense when I look people in the eyes for even a few seconds. I do not understand what is happening. It is as if I am stuck between states of consciousness. I am nor conscious or unconscious. I am here but I am not. It is the scariest feeling and it has actually brought me to tears. I do not want to talk to a therapist or someone about it because I know it is an issue with myself, created by myself. I have looked for answers online but I know it has only made it worse. I am trying to self diagnose something created by my mind and turning it into a reality. I feel like I am giving myself anxiety, which I have never had a problem with before. Even conversing with my older brother (the closest person to me in the world) I cannot hold conversation. I used to be able to talk with him for hours, shooting the shit and whatnot. Now even talking to him feels unnatural. I have tried to read the power of now to make sense of this, but nothing resonates like it did. My problems seem unable to be answered with Eckharts words. He speaks about problems about the life situation, but I am not waiting for a moment in the future. This feeling is pushing people away from me. It is pushing away my closest friends, my family, my girlfriend, all people I love dearly. I am able to sit still and produce no thoughts, seemingly in the now, but this feeling does not leave. It is a feeling of no desire to literally do anything. I used to absolutely love being with people, now I am almost afraid of it.

That is my story. That is the pure and natural bliss and peace that was given to me by the power of now, and perhaps taken by it. I have glimpsed at presence and then pushed in the opposite direction. In 5 days I will be back at college. I need to lose this state of mind, or whatever it is before then or it will destroy me. I cannot live like this effectively. However after all of this, I do not regret reading this book. It was the most influential book I have ever had the pleasure to read.

My question to you all is this. What is happening, if anything? Are these problems created by the mind? Has anybody experienced a total reversal such as this? The highest of highs and the lowest of lows?

Kudos and major props to anyone who can get through this. To the readers, please ask me questions that could help me determine what is happening to me. Maybe posting this will help, or maybe it is taking content created by my mind and bringing it into reality in the form of readable text. I do not know. All I know is that I am tired of this and need to be relinquished of this feeling.
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Re: My Experience with the Power of Now

Postby Mental » Tue Jan 15, 2013 7:50 am

Isnt this interesting I believed I have solved my problem.. A little backstory, this is about 2 minutes after I typed this all in Microsoft word completely and truly in the now.

DISCLAIMER - It has cannabis reference just a warning I hope I don't offend anyone

------

Just smoked two bowl packs from my bong and I am already incredibly high and I feel like it is now getting significantly stronger. Holy shit this is why we always become too high because we rip 6 bowls in 2 minutes and then chill and be like oh were not high then all the sudden OOPS LOL super baked and full derp mode ensues.

Unfortunately I am not here to discuss the extremely fortunate perils of this smoking sesh. Aactually that’s exactly what I am here to dicuss. A revelation of the liberation of my mind. It goes like this..

I am reading an Eckhart tolle forum post with the goal of relinquishing my inner demons for the second time, once and for all. I read this line:


“Is this a way for my ego/painbody to hang on to me and creating a new unhappy story?

Yes. More than anything ego wants to survive, and it will use whatever is available to do so. Being uncomfortable "not knowing" is a good excuse to create anxiety and thus keep the story going.”


I understood it as ego will do whatever it takes to ultimately survive and take over your free minds thought process. What the thoughts do when they appear is try to find the most clever way to trick you into identifying them. It is perpetual and creates momentu relatively quicky. In my case, the ego produced thoughts that said “I was not funny, I was stupid, I am not my old witty self, I need to be in the now in order to get to these places”. Unfortunately for me, the ego was tricky and I soon identified with these few examples. I also do not remember the happenings up to this point to which specifically caused these thoughts to arise. Soon, I am identifying and thus feeling and believing these statements by my ego. Soon, the thoughts became emotions, which are pretty much feelings. The feeling sadness is popular, and waking up to your dog passing would make you extremely sad to the point of tears. The same thing goes for the mind, thinking about your late dog or your dog potentially dying will make you sad and perhaps cry. With this example you can see that identifying with thoughts in your head transmutes the associated or appropriate feeling into your body.

Back to my case. Thinking I am not funny or stupid makes me feel essentially like I am boring, unwanted, dumb, sad, hopeless, desperate, needing, wanting, worrying etc. And when someone is feeling this, they will also physically develop symptoms that pertain to thouse feelings such as stomach aches, headaches, tired, or anxiety. Now I had all these feelings, but I am realizing this which gives me a certain mood. In this mood, because I feel like a boring and hopeless person, I become one. I wake up unmovitaved, surf reddit, don’t workout, make excuses, be a faggot, unsocial, etc. And when I start doing social stuff with this attitude, it effects those things I do whether it be friends, my work, my hobbies, laundry, school, etc. I cant really remember much and I feel dull and disconnected with the world. These falures of events prove and reinforce the apparent fact that I am not social or whatever because the feeling transmutes itself into what I do. This is why it is important to change not necessarily change what you do, but how you do it, as mentioned in the power of now. I hang out with my friends and feel like a loser therefore act like one, become one. My friends react to something I am saying without conviction or confidence as if I am hesitating or uncertain of what I am about to say. They react maybe like "that was weird why did he say it like that we are such boys" and they act weird (or better yet, i think they act weird) then I

Feel like a awkward tool > my mind thinks I lose value > I realize I have lost social value with my friends > as a result, don’t say anything for a while > then heavily contemplate what I am about to say in my head > run serious of reactions > feel awkward saying it > my mind thinks I lose value > and repeat.

This goes on to the point where I don’t even want to see my friends any more. And I ask myself, why don’t I want to hang out with my friends? We used to hang out all the time and it was awesome? What is wrong with me? Is something wrong with me? Then I would begin to raid the internet for answers, and find psychological problems such as depersonalization or derealization disorders. The descriptions would be very unsettling, making the feeling worse. I actually believe I developed slight anxiety attacks, and pretty much convince myself this is what is wrong with me.

This was easily the recurring scenario for the past few months. It was hell.

But when it is broken down and examined, not even the root but the seed of all this untold misery, physical and mental pain was simply me identifying with the ego.

So I am super high and figured out what “was wrong with me”. Which turned out to be nothing, just simple ego identification that made my life excruciating for the past three months.

I haven’t read this yet but I will tomorrow. Also, since im high im going to smoke more weed and go to bed.

Ill see how I feel tomorrow morning because the waking up is always the worst.
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Re: My Experience with the Power of Now

Postby shermo » Fri Feb 15, 2013 1:29 pm

Ah it's funny how much I relate to this man, I've felt like I should be able to just sort this issue out some how by myself but even with all the spiritual reading and meditation particularly socially things have been pretty twisted for a while now. I actually feel amazingly clear after reading your second post man, almost feel high just from reading the way you wrote from high mind haha. Seems very clear this whole drama is just an irrelevant part of the ego. Interested in updates man how have you felt since this ?
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Re: My Experience with the Power of Now

Postby Mental » Mon Feb 18, 2013 5:37 am

shermo wrote:Ah it's funny how much I relate to this man, I've felt like I should be able to just sort this issue out some how by myself but even with all the spiritual reading and meditation particularly socially things have been pretty twisted for a while now. I actually feel amazingly clear after reading your second post man, almost feel high just from reading the way you wrote from high mind haha. Seems very clear this whole drama is just an irrelevant part of the ego. Interested in updates man how have you felt since this ?


The funny thing is, since this awakening I have been traveling a bumpy path. My ego has once again taken me over and I have been fighting it. In doing so, the struggle has just been worse than before, and my vibrational frequency is being reflected in my life situations. Things are crumbling around me and I have had a few good days, but I feel trapped in my mind.

It has been a long process, but the most important thing for me is to have faith. My mind is trying to understand eckharts teachings but they are only pointers to presence. I am working at it one day at a time my friend.
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Re: My Experience with the Power of Now

Postby karmarider » Mon Feb 18, 2013 6:57 am

Mental wrote:The funny thing is, since this awakening I have been traveling a bumpy path. My ego has once again taken me over and I have been fighting it. In doing so, the struggle has just been worse than before, and my vibrational frequency is being reflected in my life situations. Things are crumbling around me and I have had a few good days, but I feel trapped in my mind.

It has been a long process, but the most important thing for me is to have faith. My mind is trying to understand eckharts teachings but they are only pointers to presence. I am working at it one day at a time my friend.


Nicely said, and very honest. I may be wrong but it's my intuition that once we have the first insight which makes us look inside, clarity is inevitable. The solutions appear, even if they are in layers and take time.
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Re: My Experience with the Power of Now

Postby Mental » Mon Feb 18, 2013 8:13 am

Thanks karmarider. I also agree that clarity is inevitable despite how impossible it seems to be at the time of suffering. As I right this now, I am definitely present but not entirely to the point where I can feel the universal connection. I can feel "something" trying to take me over. Some sort of negative energy because I am no longer identified with it.
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Re: My Experience with the Power of Now

Postby shermo » Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:11 pm

Wish you well man, everything has felt good since my comment here.. basically I just realised that in almost every situation I was remembering on the level of mind that I was trying to 'stay conscious' or fight thoughts, which was so futile/tiring/unnatural. One of my old good friends who I had recently been feeling the same awkwardness which you described and seeing confusion in his eyes when I was hesitant had a good conversation with me recently and all was chill - just didn't pay attention to any of those almost subconscious subtle feelings that had been coming up in social interactions that something's not right. Your relaxation and chillness will often transmit to people we communicate with, and also anxiety etc which is a bad feeling to feel that you're giving out bad energy. Basically my main thing has been to give up complete control of thoughts, no desire to even stop them but the awareness is still there. No effort on my part. You'll be good man, all in good time. I remember reading a nisargadatta quote where he just said something along the lines of abandon all hope of results and patiently enjoy the ride. Oh and you might find this video relevant. <3

http://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&ved=0CDYQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D0pS_wPeDxDQ&ei=zOYpUY7nMYibiQf-qYHADg&usg=AFQjCNEIi8QAqWsMut-ep8sEBg_MF70fKg&bvm=bv.42768644,d.aGc
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Re: My Experience with the Power of Now

Postby SandyJoy » Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:39 pm

Not sure if you will like this, but I felt an angel's nudge to post this to you: It may be too much God stuff for you---but so what, God is really All That Is, so here you go:

From the book "A Guide To Awareness and Tranquillity" by William Samuel

As Awareness, we are not responsible to Awareness or for it in any way. We do not have to "see" certain things. We do not have to experience hearings, improvements or changes in any way. We have no responsibility because God is the fullness of this consciousness we are. This is God's consciousness of being. This is God's action. This is God's kingdom, God's knowledge, God's awareness of Himself—not Anne's, not Bill's, not mine, not man's.

Can you feel the rest, the relaxing and peaceful tranquility in this fact? This Awareness, right here and now, is the Deific Mind in action. There is no way for a personal you or me to get into the act and be the actor. Awareness is the deathless action of God! We have naught to do but to be!

This instant you are Awareness itself. This second you can stop trying to be the impostor. This moment you can let go the liar, the father of lies, the old man, and the veil will be rent from top to bottom; the mist that covers the entire face of the land will be gone! There will be no more scales on your eyes; there will be no more tears. You will see as you are seen, because Seer, seeing the seen (scene), is all there is to you!

This second you may stop identifying yourself as the one who possesses your very Being. This second you can stop making demands of yourself. This instant you can stop attempting to enslave God, to make a servant of God, to have God show you this "good" thing or eliminate that "bad" thing. Consciousness is who you are, not a personal possession.

Awareness is simply and effortlessly aware. It does not judge. It does not desire to see what it wants to see. It does not attempt to change the world. It does not dominate, criticize, cajole or demand. It does not want at all. It is simply beholding and being.

Anne, you are Seeing itself, constantly about the Seer's business. You are not the one who thinks she has a lease on seeing for a few years, during which time she wants it to show her that she possesses health, wealth and fame. You are Awareness ITSELF and ONLY. This is the most infinite "only" you can imagine, because it includes the infinity of Reality, the infinity of Love, and the infinity of Health and Wealth—not a mere part of it, but all of it! Why? Because Awareness is God's consciousness of Himself! It is our good pleasure to be the witness of all God is! It is our good pleasure to be what God is being! It is our good fortune to be Infinity itself, and consciously so. When? As quickly as the liar is loosed and let go! Who is the liar? The personal ego who says Conscious Awareness belongs to me!

--------------

And if you want to understand how or what this "God" is--as really The Source of All That Is (and is not about a any religion) Read this little free booklet: oh, and don't let the old style, southern way of writing get in your way---It gets brilliant and clearer as you get into it:

http://www.williamsamuel.com/TwoPlusTwoEnglish.pdf

:D
You are not finished, until you play in that meadow and live there. You can, you know. But only you can take yourself there.
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