I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk...

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk...

Postby Stillness Seeker » Mon Jun 17, 2013 8:43 pm

Hi there everyone,

I'm returning to this website after what I thought was a short period of non-use, but it's actually over two years, when I check the dates, since my last visit!?! WOW!

I can't really tell you what I've been doing in the meantime...except that it's been somewhat of a whirlwind of changing jobs, relationships, homes and now cities...

I guess I'm returning because I need to change my focus in life. In brief, reading A New Earth and The Power of Now completely changed my life about 4 years ago and since then, I've been trying to lead a life that involves mindfulness, meditation, inner peace and happiness...just being content with the little things in life...

I'm also convinced that I'm here to learn many lessons, the majority of these being about my conduct in relationships...and this is the main reason for my return to this site...I'm very interested in hearing what likeminded people might suggest...

I used to see myself as a confident, people person who enjoyed being in relationships. In reality, I now believe that, although I'm pretty confident, I'm lacking in self esteem and I think this has fuelled my desire to constantly be in relationships, always seeking gratification from others.

I thought this was something I had managed to overcome since reading many books, attending Buddhist meditation centres, retreats and generally learning to live a more mindful and spiritual lifestyle. However, recent events have highlighted that relationships are still VERY MUCH an issue for me. I can be comfortable and happy in my own company and no longer need to be occupied with others all the time, but the second I become one part of a couple, I jump in with both feet, give all of me to the relationship without holding anything back...often coming across as needy, desperate and attached. I seem unable to love my partner without a growing fear of loss.

Typing this out, it seems crazy to me! I've read and re-read Eckhart's books several times now and (thought) I understood the teachings completely...so what is it that makes me lose all my sense of composure and rationality when I lose my single status?

I thought I was happy to be single, although this was only for a period of 7 months, and no longer 'needed' to be with someone. So I thought this would be a good time to set up an online dating profile, so I could meet my spiritual match. I may have done so. However, within 2 weeks, and following a couple of heated debates (?!) we have gone our separate ways and I am left wondering what is going on with me?? I seem completely unable to practice what I preach. I suffocated this poor guy and wasn't able to enjoy each amazing moment for what it was...instead, I always had to wonder where it might lead to in the future and how much I meant to him...

I'm acutely aware that, at 36 yrs, I have started feeling that my life has become a race against time...not the accumulation of enjoyable mindful moments that I want it to be...and I've now taken the decision to delete my online profile and focus on myself once again, in the hope I can find my inner peace that I seem to have temporarily mislaid.

So how do I stop just talking the talk and start walking the walk??!

Thanks everyone :)
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Re: I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk...

Postby kiki » Mon Jun 17, 2013 9:25 pm

Welcome back, Stillness Seeker.

So how do I stop just talking the talk and start walking the walk??!


As always, start with this very moment, the only moment where reality actually exists. It's always about this moment, so consciously return to the reality of now by learning to be more and more attuned to when you mentally drift away from it so that you can return to it. Plan judiciously for the things that are necessary and then let go of any plan and let things unfold as they will.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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Re: I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk...

Postby Typist » Mon Jun 17, 2013 10:53 pm

Stillness Seeker wrote:I guess I'm returning because I need to change my focus in life.


Well, let's see.....

In reading your post above, we can see the focus of your post is you and your situation.

One level of change would be to address your situation by some other method, or by an enhanced version of what you've been doing.

Another level of change would be to shift the focus to somebody else and their situation.

In that case, it comes in handy that you seem to enjoy relationships. You might start your next one with the same refreshing honesty you've shared with us....

In reality, I now believe that, although I'm pretty confident, I'm lacking in self esteem and I think this has fuelled my desire to constantly be in relationships, always seeking gratification from others.


Nothing could be more normal than what you say about yourself here, given that you've just described the human condition, but sharing this commonly shared reality with a partner as frankly as you have here is a nice touch. It's one excellent sentence, and perhaps enough about you and your situation. And now, on to....

Your partner and their situation.

Your partner has decided to spend time with you for some reason. What's that reason? Just asking them might be all that's needed to find out. Once they tell you what they want, what they need, apply your energy and obvious intelligence in to helping them find it.

Not your idea of what they need. Not Tolle's idea of what they need. Not my idea of what they need. Your partner's idea of what they need.

Surrender you and your situation to them and their situation. That would probably qualify as a change of focus, and will likely make you even more popular than you probably already are.

Good luck!
If the things we want to hear could take us where we want to go, we'd already be there.
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Re: I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk...

Postby ZenCowgirl » Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:18 pm

here is a brief article on the distinction between self esteem (you mention is) and self respect.
It might have something for you to mull over. http://incharacter.org/features/theodore-dalrymple-on-self-esteem-vs-self-respect/
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Re: I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk...

Postby karmarider » Tue Jun 18, 2013 4:18 am

I think you're doing fine. In my view, this is how it works. You get ideas, from teachings and life itself, and you try to see the truth of it in your experience. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Maybe you've gotten out of Tolle what you were supposed to. Try exploring something else. Check out John Sherman, who talks about fear and has very effective and simple self-looking technique. The Conversations with God, surprisingly, has the clearest advice on relationships.
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Re: I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk...

Postby Stillness Seeker » Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:18 pm

Thanks everyone for sharing your words and thoughts...I have a lot to think about...

...Or maybe I need to stop thinking and just be...

Kiki, you're right, it IS always about this moment, and I'm beginning to love consciously being aware of when I drift away with my thoughts, then being able to return to THIS. Learning to let things unfold as they will has been somewhat challenging for me in the past...but I have let that identity go now, am erasing the words challenge, difficult, issue and 'my past' from my vocabulary, and I am excited to surrender to what IS.

Typist, you have given me a lot to think about. I have always been very open and honest in relationships...some have said too much so. I'm starting to think my tendency to be drawn to people with significant 'needs' in the first place, is something I'd like to change. I understand it's a great practice to show compassion to others...but I'm also aware that it's not healthy to let this need be the basis for the relationship. If I ever become involved with another person in a loving relationship again, it will be one that gives space to each of us to develop ourselves, with the support of each other...we will enhance each other...but there will be no need, expectation or longing for more. I'm in no rush now. I want to bring my focus inside myself once more, to develop spiritually and emotionally. I have one goal...to surrender to what is and FEEL the peace, contentment and happiness once more...a happiness that I know will come from within and not be reliant on the presence and love of others.

Thank you for the article ZenCowgirl, I certainly found it interesting!

Karmarider, I have spent some time looking at John Sherman's work and teachings today and plan to spend a lot more time looking into my 'me-ness', so thank you for this...I really believe it's going to change my thought process significantly. I am also going to borrow Conversations with God from my brother.

It's only been half a day and already I am feeling positive and inspired. For today, the negative emotions I had surrounded myself with and was turning into my identity, have disappeared...and, for that, I am grateful. Life IS good...
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