Silence in relationships

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Silence in relationships

Postby prospero » Mon Aug 26, 2013 7:40 pm

Hi All, something to run by you


Having just ended a relationship I inevitably turn to self reflection and seeing patterns with other previous partners

I big theme that comes up is the issue of silence in relationship. Since my spiritual path began I have become increasingly comfortable with silence. I can sometimes just notice the mystery of it all and be filled with amazing gratitude and fulfilment.

However sometimes with female partners, this does not go down well. There are accusations that I am holding things in, being aloof etc. When I say that I am not thinking 'anything' it is not really believed or understood especially by less spiritually interested women. I suppose it is easy for them to relate my behaviour to the punishing and distant behaviour of a father for instance. Because I am in this space I generally do not react with anger or defensiveness, but I don't think it adds greatly to the strength of the relationship. Paradoxically, they often say it is my 'presence' that attracts them.

I must add that I don't always get this reaction but feel a bit stuck and upset in the wake of this last relationship!
the unexamined life is not worth living
the unlived life is not worth examining
prospero
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2005 7:51 pm

Re: Silence in relationships

Postby tod » Mon Aug 26, 2013 11:54 pm

Sorry to hear about the ending of your relationship Prospero. It sound like there is, or was, a disconnect between your internal and external world. IOW, you are, or were, not ongoingly harmonising them (or being ongoingly mindful).

For instance, I imagine you have not talked (enough) to a prospective partner about your 'pastime' or 'hobby' of 'going into silence', and so I imagine she could well be a bit surprised when she finds she is in a relationship with a 'non-celibate monk'. I can well imagine that she would think that you are more in love with the silence than with her.

Maybe spend some time 'on your own' becoming more familiar with the silence, until you can 'be there' in 'the noise' of day to day living. If you follow this path, you may well find someone 'in much the same place' as you are.

As seen here, the practice is to be as ongoingly honest with yourself as you can be, and thus as peaceful or mindful as you can be, as it is seen that any manipulation of yourself or hiding from yourself will, sooner or later, result in 'yourself' coming back to 'bite you in the bum'.
tod
 
Posts: 612
Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2008 11:25 pm
Location: New Zealand

Re: Silence in relationships

Postby tod » Tue Aug 27, 2013 12:40 am

This just turned up in my inbox:

Meditation-

Husband: Give me a double bedroom.

Hotel Manager: But sir, you seem to be alone.

Husband: Yes, but I am married and wish to enjoy silence from the other side of the bed!!!


:)
tod
 
Posts: 612
Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2008 11:25 pm
Location: New Zealand

Re: Silence in relationships

Postby ZenDrumming » Tue Aug 27, 2013 4:18 am

Silence is a beautiful thing. I would make sure to investigate, though, if there's any subtle, disguised mind-play going on that these women are picking up on. Do you find you tend to be passive aggressive or to withhold your real opinion on something to avoid conflict? I didn't pick up on this from your post, but it's always something worth looking into.

A healthy respect for and full acceptance of silence is, I think, an integral part of a healthy relationship. It represents an unforced state of BEing together. When you're trying to fill the gaps and shy from the silence, you aren't being real. A lot of people are so wrapped up in themselves that they think silence is an affront to them, that it must have some hidden and sinister motive. It's like the typical scene of two nervous people on a first date, each using the silence to analyze and plan what to say next. Oh no, I haven't said anything for 3 minutes, this is getting awkward... what do I say... she's gonna think I'm so weird, just sitting here...

The funny part is that all the awkwardness, tension, and hidden judgments in the silence are self-created in the mind... the very mind that thinks it needs to get away from it. It's pure projection. Sure, there can be tension in silence, but only because of the tension held in the mind. If it's being held by one person, the connection between the two will be diluted.

When you want to see what a color looks like, you don't paint it over another color. You paint it on a silent white. Living from silence is Truth, living from silence together is Love.

Confronting silence is a very individual thing, so even if you can explain your tendencies to a potential mate, she may choose to respect that without fully understanding it. It's nice to find somebody who connects with you there.
User avatar
ZenDrumming
 
Posts: 226
Joined: Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:38 am

Re: Silence in relationships

Postby prospero » Tue Aug 27, 2013 6:21 am

Many thanks for these insights

I relate very much to the theme of spiritual dedication. I Suppose I live 2 lives, one spiritual, one worldly. Its not enough to simply bring the spiritual into the worldly. There needs to be an identity alignment with spirit in such a way that ones circumstances proceed from that.

Spiritally interested people are in my experience often passively alligned in there temperament - probably shy in childhood, not very comfortable with conflict. This can mean that alot of adult neurosis can hide out in the identity of silence which must be frustrating for a partner. Again, it is a question of a radical integrity and allignment that has the power and depth to meet these subtle fault lines.

I feel that if i had that bottom up dedication i would often not even begin some of the relationships that i have been in. The outward circumstances would be too jarring or clashing for ether partner to tolerate a first date :) I suppose i have often heard an internal voice saying 'don't judge their external behaviour' - such as the tendency to use alcohol or cigarettes when they are stressed. These little traits are usually giveaways to bigger problems down the road.

That voice comes from the fearful side of me that senses that this is a numbers game with unfavourably diminishing returns. In our society of escapism, conditioning and survival pressure it is so rare to find anyone (let alone a woman i would be sexually attracted to) who would value silence and not immediately equate it with death, diminishment, or being a petrie dish for negative thoughts.
the unexamined life is not worth living
the unlived life is not worth examining
prospero
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2005 7:51 pm


Return to Personal Experiences

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest