I am one step closer to enlightenment

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Re: I am one step closer to enlightenment

Postby Clouded » Mon Sep 09, 2013 6:44 am

You know me so well, how'd you guess I was a perfectionist? That's your opinion about my writing, you should hear me speak, then you'd know I'm not from around here. I guess another thing that made my university experience so awful was a language barrier. I went to an English speaking university and I swear that most people in my classes spoke so "intelligently", sometimes I couldn't even understand them because they spoke too fast but I pretended I did so I won't appear stupid. I wanted to fit in but I was very intimidated and ashamed of how I spoke. Compared to them, I used the vocabulary of a 10 year old. In my mind, I sounded retarded, I was beneath them. I would record my voice and practice immitating their accent. Sometimes I couldn't remember a word and I had to describe the thing by doing hand motions, it's just so embarrassing, I feel so stupid when I do that. Even as I'm writing to you, I'm making an effort to sound smart. Sometimes I edit my posts here to replace one word with a better word. It's easier for me to express myself in writing than in speaking. As Eckhart would say, I'm creating an illusion. I'm also trying to fit in in this forum by trying to sound more phylosophical. The Sedona method is simply a series of questions to let go of negative emotions in the moment. I don't know if it's working for me yet. Apparently it's the most powerful method of its kind. This is the first time I hear about Indira's net, I'll research about it. I always wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter, I'll see if they need my help, but I hope it's not going to be just about cleaning up after their poop. So far the jobs I've applied to have nothing to do with human interraction (dish washer, food packing, hotel maid etc). I'm not really in the mood to act friendly with people given my state of mind. I still feel depressed and I don't think people will sense that I'm approachable. Is that a bad thing since you're suggesting that I go talk to people, but I don't feel like it? I want to isolate myself from the world, I'm just really tired. At the moment, I don't want to think about a potential real (not temporary) job. I do practice mindfullness, the thing with me is even when I realize that I have been caught up in negative thoughts, I stop for a moment (the time it takes for realization), and then I continue with those same negative thoughts. If I want positive thoughts, I have to force myself to think positive, whereas negative thoughts just come naturally to me. :( Btw, sorry for not writing in paragraph form, I'm on mobile and I don't know how to create them without pressing the space bar 100 times. If you're wondering, my parents have confiscated my laptop as punishment for what I've done.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: I am one step closer to enlightenment

Postby Clouded » Mon Sep 09, 2013 7:21 am

Btw, I read what you said to Spectrum about being thankful but I really can't thank you enough for taking time out of your busy day to reply to me, you have no obligation to continue this convo with me if you feel like I'm dragging you down. Most of my posts are nothing but thoughts about things, it's just me whining about my life and asking for attention, they do nothing to help other people who seek enlighntent, so thanks for putting up with my long stories.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

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