Following my heart

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Following my heart

Postby Clouded » Sat Dec 07, 2013 2:01 am

Okay so here's the thing, I will EVENTUALLY look for a menial job not because I have to financially support myself (I live off my parents money and they don't seem to mind it too much so I'm taking advantage of it) but because I am feeling bored at home and this boredom is turning into sadness. I feel like I need to do something that is not a pass time, otherwise I'm just wasting myself away, I want to put myself to good use. I guess that that's what's making me so sad; doing everything for myself, it's not so fulfilling anymore, it's dull. With that money I plan to adopt a puppy and save up for an apartment and car.

University was the worst experience in my life so far, it was not for me at that time. My head and heart weren't into it, my dad forced me to apply there against my will. I was already depressed at the beginning of the first semester of my first year and it just went downhill. I wanted to drop out a long time ago but my dad kept pushing me forward until I finally decided to call it quits when he was on the other side of the globe so he couldn't beat me. I'm sad that I wasted 3 years of my life doing something that made me extremely anxious, but the past is the past and now it's just an unpleasant memory. Maybe if I haven't gone to uni and got a job instead (like I wanted to 3 years ago), I would have been an independent and happier person by now.

I'm not ready to return to school, my head tells me to continue my studies because I have potential but my heart isn't into it. I am still not ready and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to re-experience what has left a deep impact on my life. It stinks that you have to go through school to get a diploma in order to be qualified for a well-paying job. I hate this system. Everything I learned in class could be found on the internet and at the library, why should I pay thousands of dollars when I can learn practically for free? Just so I can get a piece of paper that gets to be framed.

I'm not too crazy about getting a menial job either, but at least I feel that it's something I can do without breaking down mentally. I don't know if it's my ego speaking, but I think that I can do better than that. I think that I have the capacity to use my intellect for something. If I'm not under pressure, I can be bright when I want to. Working at McDonald's would be a total waste of my brain, which is what I value the most in myself. I think it would be a shame to throw all my hard work down the toilet because I get panic attacks and whatnot. We'll see what happens in a couple of years.

I just wanted to share these thoughts with you, so you could know how I'm doing. I am trying to view my life as not the length of my list of successes but as my response to failures. I do think that I'm a failure, I fail to do most things that normal people my age do and my parents have lost hope in me. But at least I'll be aware of how I live.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Following my heart

Postby Clouded » Sat Dec 07, 2013 4:15 am

I also want to mention that I feel sad because I have nothing going for me. I'm familiar with the expression that life is the journey, not the destination but I'm not even sure where I am going with my life, I feel extremely lost on track, in fact I think my "mode of transportation" has halted. People in my age range whom I personally know have something "stable" going on in their lives while I don't and I don't want to commit to something that will be boring or that will ruin me once again. I know I can't piggy bank my parents forever and I want to feel useful.

Also, I don't have much of an excuse for not working apart from being lazy and purposely being a society anti-conformist. Today, as I went to pay, the guy at the cash register was in a wheelchair and he looked my age and I felt really sorry for him and disgusted at myself, at how I lived during the past 7 months.

I need to let go of the past, I need to make peace with everything, in particular things that were out of my control. I'm just angry because I could have slacked off in school and still get to the point where I am now. I wasted years of my precious life for nothing. At least from now on and until the rest of my life, I will get to live for myself and not for my parents so I could make them proud. They're going to die anyways and I'm going to die anyway, so if they're ashamed of me, it won't be for all of eternity. I wanted my dad to love me and appreciate me and he only showed affection and approval when I brought home excellent grades. I didn't study because I wanted to or because I was passionate about school, I studied out of the fear of being rejected by the people I care about the most. Without my grades, I was treated as though my existence was worthless.

If only I could just think of myself as being enough so I would feel no need to prove myself worthy. It's this crazy world that we live in that is brainwashing us into believing that we exist as individuals and that we must find meaning in our lives. I'm tired of competing with other people for some imaginary prize that promises to make my life better.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Following my heart

Postby 18andlife » Wed Dec 18, 2013 4:12 pm

Interesting situation, I can identify. I was a real late bloomer myself. I lived off my parents (and later my spouse) until I was in my mid 30's. I managed to graduate college, but other than that I didn't do anything to speak of. Eventually I got into a sink or swim situation and I had no choice but to hit the ground running and got my first job. I have worked ever since (for about 15 years) and I'd say that I am pretty sucessful, certainly I've been holding my own and standing on my own two feet as it were. I'm not sure why I had such a work-phobia for some many years; I heard a quote once which said "we all feel comfortable in our games because it's the only place where we know exactly what to do" I think that actually sums it up pretty well. Success or failure aside I can say firsthand that there is a benefit both to yourself and others in becoming a productive member of society. I hope it all works out for you.

The Buddha talked about past lives and in thinking back to the time when I was afraid to work it almost seems like I am talking about someone elses life, but it was me. It's like a past life I lived, I moved on to a better one because it was time to move on. Your time will come too if you're open to it happening.
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Re: Following my heart

Postby Fore » Wed Dec 18, 2013 5:54 pm

18andlife wrote:The Buddha talked about past lives and in thinking back to the time when I was afraid to work it almost seems like I am talking about someone elses life, but it was me. It's like a past life I lived, I moved on to a better one because it was time to move on. Your time will come too if you're open to it happening.


Hi 18,

It's like you liberated that fearful past being, and received a promotion.
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Re: Following my heart

Postby rideforever » Wed Jan 15, 2014 7:51 am

Look, you are obviously a good person who wants to do well ... is it not possible to ask your parents to help you find something non-academic ? Like, doing a horse-riding training course, or VSO, or becoming a therapist, or ... ski-instructor, marine turtle researcher ?
You want to be a good person ... and so do your parents want you to be ... but it's like there is no communication for no reason. Your goals are the same.
Better to volunteer for something you are interested in ... and work hard. Rather than do McJob.
Find something you really like, and really do it. This is a path that works.
If you don't know what to do ... do anything, then you are learning.
Have a look at the gumtree in your area ... sometimes very interesting jobs come up in small businesses ... interesting opportunities. In a small business, if you are the right person you can move up quickly ... People need people to do things ... in smaller jobs more interesting things happen ... you get to know people, to be important to people.
One further thing is you can go on a tour of the university faculties ...meet the heads of the faculties and talk to them mano a mano ... and see who is interesting - maybe this way you can find someone interesting to study from.
Or you can become a yoga teacher or mambo instructor ... just do anything, you are young there is a little time now ... go hunting.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: Following my heart

Postby Clouded » Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:55 pm

I already have a clever plan in mind which hopefully will make some massive company notice my talents and maybe hire me (fingers crossed). Sometimes I amaze myself with my ideas!! My parents will probably tell me that I'm out of my mind to believe that such a thing can happen to me and crush my hopes and dreams, but I think I got a chance and I don't have anything to lose except for the precious days of my life. I don't know why people here keep reminding me that the clock is ticking, it's not like I'm 95 years old and my time is almost up.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Following my heart

Postby treasuretheday » Fri Jan 17, 2014 6:07 pm

Clouded wrote: I don't know why people here keep reminding me that the clock is ticking, it's not like I'm 95 years old and my time is almost up.

I don't know why people do a lot of things they do! Like not saying "thank you" when others have taken time to offer them suggestions and support, & instead even find something to nitpick about.

Btw, it sounded to me like Rideforever was saying the opposite of what you heard! I don't think he was reminding you that a clock was ticking, but reminding you that as a young person you have time on your side!

Would you like some cheese with your whine?
Life itself is the proper binge.
-Julia Child
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Re: Following my heart

Postby Clouded » Fri Jan 17, 2014 10:47 pm

When I was typing this (at 5am before I finally went to bed), I didn't mean it in a negative way, I'm sorry if it seemed like I was criticizing someone's reply, in my mind, i'm always grateful for every reply I get even if I don't mention it in every post. And I ask you to please don't think that I'm playing victim because someone accused me of something, it was just a big misunderstanding and maybe I should refrain from typing stupid things that can piss people off when I am really tired and my mind is on a vacation. I'm ready to let go of it, I don't want to be disliked for trivial things. I misunderstood rideforever's comment then, because I took it as if they were telling me that I have little time left even though I am still young and it didn't make sense to me (why would someone tell you that you have little time left when your age tells otherwise?) so I joked about being 95 years old. I've never heard the saying cheese with your whine before (at first, I thought you were telling me that I typed that message because I was drunk lol), so thanks for teaching me that expression.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Following my heart

Postby treasuretheday » Sat Jan 18, 2014 1:01 am

Clouded wrote: i'm always grateful for every reply I get...
How wonderful! This is great news.
Clouded wrote: I don't want to be disliked for trivial things
You are not disliked, and no one is "ticked off." I can't speak for him, but I seriously doubt that Rideforever gives a rat's caboose.

As for me, I said what I said because it felt as if you were overlooking the gifts, and focusing on what you perceived as missing or disappointing. I wonder if this sort of focus does not carry over into other areas of your life. Are you letting the positive things "sink in?" Or are you more inclined to ask, "What's wrong with this picture?"

Maybe you could start a gratitude journal! When you first wake up, what do you notice? The birds singing, the sun beaming gently through the window, the smell of coffee wafting from the kitchen? Does that make your heart sing? Write it down! Think about yourself--- you are energetic, smart, introspective, artistic, unique. So much to be grateful for! Write it down. This process will cultivate gratitude, and it is hard to feel bitter, angry or sad when we are fully in touch with gratitude for the life in front of us.

Gratitude registers within you, echoes deep inside your heart. Senceca said, "Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart." And perhaps my favorite quote on the subject is from Brother David Steindl-Rast, O.S.B. (that stands for Order of Saint Benedict. He is a monk). Brother David says:
“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.”

I wish you much happiness, Clouded. And even if only a modest, rather than a massive, company hires you, find it in your heart to be grateful for paid work, for a foot in the door, for an opportunity to put your talents to use. Pay attention, open your heart, and see that no matter what happens, there is always something to be grateful for! What we appreciate "appreciates," so value the diamond in the rough!
Clouded wrote:I've never heard the saying cheese with your whine before (at first, I thought you were telling me that I typed that message because I was drunk lol), so thanks for teaching me that expression.
You're most welcome. It's a pleasure, darling!
Life itself is the proper binge.
-Julia Child
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Re: Following my heart

Postby Z3N » Sun Jan 19, 2014 2:53 am

I enjoy reading your threads, you remind me of me :roll: It's actually quite surreal, I could have wrote a few threads with complete honesty and they'd have been bordering on identical to yours! lol I'm looking to get a pup as well, Border Terrier, they're so damn cute, and rascal looking! :lol:

Anyway, I read a book recently about following your heart, called The Alchemist, you might enjoy it. :D
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Re: Following my heart

Postby Clouded » Sun Jan 19, 2014 10:11 am

treasuretheday, those adjectives that you used to describe me was very considerate of you, I wish I could easily agree with them. I don't hear a lot of positive feedback from people (in particular my parents, whose opinion I care about the most mind you), was disrespected by my school peers most of my life because of language barrier/popularity status, this is how I was raised, expecting negative judgement and ridicule from others and I think I internalized it. Even when I was in my prime during my high school years, my parents always found something wrong with me. If I achieved something I was proud of, I'd look at my parents for approval and they'd recognize my achievement but then would point out something else (better) that I could have done instead. I saw something on youtube that was similar to your gratitude journal idea (and requires less effort to do cause I'm lazy), it's a memory jar where you place post its containing what you achieved on a particular day of the year and then at each start of the new year, you read the posts its and remember how much you've accomplished the previous year. You can also write down positive experiences that you want to remember. First thing I'm gonna write is that I have successfully sold my first item on ebay and made a customer happy :)

Z3N, I am glad that you enjoy my thoughts and that my life experiences/goals resonate with you. I think that we will both turn out alright and I'm going to take a look at that book when I am done reading the books that I have planed on finishing :)
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Following my heart

Postby treasuretheday » Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:19 pm

Hi again, Clouded! Thanks for your reply. Those adjectives I used to describe you reflect my impressions, intuition. They are just doors that open to certain possibilties. You can choose to walk through them or not, and only you can do the walking. Ditto for the harsh, unkind, critical adjectives that you have heard, (and more than likely will hear again, from someone in the future!).

Even if your parents had been very affirming, surely you will bump into people who are not. You may encounter people who have their own pain and baggage, their own struggles, who may project, scapegoat, assign blame, be critical. It happens. It's up to you to decide if there is helpful feedback in the adjectives & other words, or if they are something to dismiss entirely. Decide for yourself what to take & learn from and what to discard.

I love the sound of your memory jar! That's a super idea. I will nudge you though Clouded, (nudge, nudge!) to also create an Appreciation Jar! You could write "fortune cookie" style messages and drop (at least one!) into the jar everyday about something you noticed and appreciated. Exercise that muscle. You can only appreciate the world you wake up to, so this is a way to practice being present. Honoring your achievements (yay for your sale on ebay!) will help you get in touch with your talents and skills, with what you are capable of, which is great, but appreciation of life unfolding encompasses so much more.

Btw, want to be clear...I am not suggesting that you deny or reject anything you are experiencing. Acknowledge your feelings, all of them. If sadness is there, sadness is there. If laziness is there, it is there. Accept whatever arises. But taking the step into judging "what is" harshly is optional. Some psychologists say that is a function of the "reptilian brain" or the "primal mind." In other words, from what I understand, people "go negative" chronically in an effort to survive! Life feels scary and we have to defend ourselves, be vigilant, be on the look out for 'what's wrong!' So, we aren't in the present, we are too busy defending ourselves, trying to sniff out potential threats.

We aren't "here" to notice the aroma of french fries as we pass the restaurant, or to see the smile of a stranger, the adorable dog on the street, the way it's so cozy to be wrapped in warm blankets in bed at night, the bliss of bathing....on and on. I am inviting you to pay attention intentionally! Life, everyday, brings so many often overlooked treasures, little gems that wake us up to the gift of being alive. And Yes, the blood, sweat and tears are gifts too...embrace them as such. We can thank them and give them a big smooch for being great teachers. Say yes to everything. It all belongs.

I agree that you and Z3N will "turn out alright!" You are both more than alright, right now, too! Y'all are on an exciting adventure---life unfolding in all its beauty--- that is what you are.

And the book sounds intriguing to me too Z3N! I will look for it!
Life itself is the proper binge.
-Julia Child
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