My issues with sex and lust

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

My issues with sex and lust

Postby Clouded » Mon Feb 10, 2014 7:40 am

This is a part of my life that I don't like to talk about mainly because there's a lot of shame and pain body involved in it but i'd like to find peace from it someday.

I'll start out by saying that I was sexually molested in my early childhood (5 years old) by a teenage boy. I don't recollect how it started, all I remember is that it felt really good, that I didn't want it to stop and that I thought he did this to me because he loved me like a prince loves a princess. We were left alone in the basement without supervision while the adults were upstairs and he was very secretive about it and at first, I had no clue why. For instance, each time we heard footsteps coming downstairs, he would stop, get physically away from me and ignore me and I wanted him to come back so badly but I kept quiet because I caught on that what we were doing was bad otherwise he wouldn't try to hide it. He'd come back to me when he knew we were alone but I felt stressed and tense because I was afraid that we would be discovered and be punished.

I have body issues, I dislike my womanly body, I think it's too sexual and I am ashamed of it. When I'm out in public and at home with my parents, I dress in over-sized tops and I try to look as frumpy as possible because that's what makes me feel comfortable in my skin but in the meantime, I feel ugly. I actually am into fashion and over the years bought a ton of cute clothes that I have never worn in public because I don't want to portray myself looking this way. I don't buy these clothes for other people to look at, I wear them when I am at home alone and I admire myself in the mirror. I feel beautiful when I wear pretty dresses and heels and I strut around with confidence feeling like a model or movie star. When I was in primary school, I forced my parents to buy me boy pants because the girl ones hugged my thighs and I didn't like showing the shape of this part of my body.

My daddy issues don't stop at physical and verbal violence. He also did inappropriate things to me. When I used to be little, often times, he would pull down my pants and underwear and laugh at my naked lower body. I never thought it was funny, i'd get mad at him for doing this to me without my permission, I didn't like having my private parts exposed for his own entertainment. I know very well that my dad has an obsession with porn and the female genitalia since I have seen what he keeps in his porn folder. I do not feel comfortable wearing revealing/body hugging clothes around him because when I do, he always finds a way to feel my body (waist, hip, leg, chest), kiss me (he rarely kisses me when I'm covered) or make a comment about parts of my body and these things make me want to cry and vomit. If I want to go swimming in our pool and my dad is at home, I swim with my clothes on. I wish he would learn to control himself, I don't have the courage to confront him about this, I act like it doesn't bother me and try to hide my feelings. I found enough mental strength to tell my mom about it (dunno if she discussed it with him) but he didn't change. I wish I could feel comfortable and safe around him when I don't look like a grandma. I wish my dad wasn't like this.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby 18andlife » Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:34 am

There are probably many people here who can relate to what you are saying on one level or another, but I highly doubt that anyone here would be qualified to give you any advice about it, and therefore it would be reckless to do so. I would recommend that you look into therapy from a qualified professional to assist you in dealing with these particular issues. Certainly there is no shame in that, and it's good that you are reaching out and willing to address your issues. There is no substitute for that type of honesty on your part. Good for you!
18andlife
 
Posts: 392
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:40 pm

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby rideforever » Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:42 am

Clouded ... these things are very serious, and I believe that any therapist would consider them sexual abuse. Your uncomfortable feelings about yourself most certainly come directly from your bad experiences.

It is very serious.

It would be good if you could get outside help from a therapist or organisation.

It would be good if you could spend time in a normal environment where people do not act this way.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
User avatar
rideforever
 
Posts: 1513
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2011 2:32 pm
Location: Hove

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby Clouded » Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:02 am

Thanks guys for your concern, it had to come out one day. A couple of hours ago, I was wearing a tight sweater (I went shopping with my mom) and my dad came from behind me and told me that I was skinny and tightly rubbed my waist and it felt wrong, it didn't feel like a father's touch, it felt like a boyfriend's touch. He should do this to his wife, not me. Now I have this lump in my throat and am not looking forward to seeing him when he wakes up. I took a shower and put my pajamas on and a bathrobe and I feel safer.

I don't want my parents to know that I'm getting counseling and because I'm not a student anymore, insurance cannot pay for me and there's no way I can get money without my parents knowing. I'll have to wait until I start university.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby rideforever » Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:20 am

You are brave for talking about these things. It's easy to feel trapped and prisoner, with no way out.

Talking to people about this changes things. Somebody else knows.

What is your mum's view of these things ... does she know ? Did you say that you were adopted or no ?

These actions by your father are very wrong, and harmful to you.

If you can, put distance between him and you in the house.

I don't know where you are living ... but perhaps there are some free services that you can go to ?
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
User avatar
rideforever
 
Posts: 1513
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2011 2:32 pm
Location: Hove

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby Clouded » Mon Feb 10, 2014 11:24 am

They are my biological parents.

My mom was never ok with it from the start. For now, I don't feel like talking to her about what just happened, I don't like the awful feelings that arise when I confide in her about inappropriate things my dad does; it's my dad, I don't like putting sex and dad together and I don't like seeing her expression. Me and my mom both know my dad has a lust for pretty young women. He cheated on my mom some years ago with a woman half his age and I unintentionally helped my mom discover the evidence (expensive hidden jewelry, penis enlargement pills, emails, etc), I was her shoulder to cry on and I was very angry at him. Sometimes he goes on vacation all by himself and spends a lot of money on things but my mom doesn't seem to mind it as much as she did before. I have no idea why they are still together if they are unhappy in their marriage; their sex life is non-existent, they don't always get along and they hardly spend time together.

I am disappointed in my dad, I don't care if he has sexual thoughts about me, I just don't want to know. Also, I don't know why he thinks it's acceptable to proudly talk about how hot some 18 year olds are when we have visitors over and my mom and I are sitting beside him; no one ever gives him a reply because it's inappropriate and these families also have daughters around that age, I'm sure none of them would like my dad to mess around with their daughters. Why did my dad have to be like that? Most of my issues come from my dad. I did not pick my parents, their marriage was doomed from the start, I was only brought into the world because my mother desired a child and here I am. Usually when I decide to look a little nicer, I go up to my room and change into my grandma look before my dad sees me but this time I forgot to worry about it and it happened again. I'd just like to stop constantly worrying about how I look to other people, I'm tired of feeling ashamed of my appearance. It's not my fault that my dad can't control his actions. Just because he's my dad doesn't give him the right to touch me in suggestive ways; he doesn't do that to another man's daughter because the father will notice and kick his ass, well fuck! I wish my dad protected me rather than abuse me because isn't that what fathers are supposed to do?

I don't know of any free services but to get there I'll need money for transport and i'm terrible at lying to my parents.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby treasuretheday » Mon Feb 10, 2014 3:54 pm

Clouded, there are free hotlines you can call. Here is one: The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE

They will refer you to a place in your area that can assist you further. They will listen, they are experienced with situations like yours, and they know what options are out there.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Please make getting help with this your first priority.

You are bright and smart and capable. You can start over and build a new life...but you need to get help. Telling us here is a great first step. But that is not enough. Please reach out to the trained people working out there who can give you more precise direction!
Life itself is the proper binge.
-Julia Child
User avatar
treasuretheday
 
Posts: 660
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 3:42 pm
Location: Virginia Beach, VA, USA

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby Clouded » Mon Feb 10, 2014 4:24 pm

Thank you so much for the phone number, I needed something like that. Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me and say things to help me feel better. I couldn't sleep all night because of how awful I felt, I didn't see my dad after the incident, I don't know if he realizes what he did, I don't know if he's aware that he crossed the line or maybe he thinks that it was completely acceptable. Only problem is that I can't make phone calls when my parents are at home because they'll hear what I have to say and this is when I need to talk the most; right after something bad happens. Will this number show in our phone bill? My dad pays all the bills and I don't want him to know. I am not from the US. I have no idea how phone bills work.
Last edited by Clouded on Mon Feb 10, 2014 4:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby treasuretheday » Mon Feb 10, 2014 4:39 pm

You are welcome!

I do not believe a toll free number would show up on a bill...and these places are very, very mindful of protecting client privacy. Could you borrow someone's cell phone? Go to a library and tell the person at the front desk that you need to call a hotline and need to use the phone. I am not kidding. Better yet, go to a hospital and tell them you can't place a call at home to a hotline because you are fearful. Tell them you need to use the phone there. You must step out and be resourceful on your own behalf. You can do it.

I will be with you in spirit...Treasure is holding your hand and believes in you Miss Clouded. I really, really do.
Life itself is the proper binge.
-Julia Child
User avatar
treasuretheday
 
Posts: 660
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 3:42 pm
Location: Virginia Beach, VA, USA

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby Clouded » Mon Feb 10, 2014 4:52 pm

Thank you Treasure for your kindness and for believing in me, you are awesome. I don't have any money for public transportation right now so I can't go anywhere and I'm too sleepy to walk to the library. I think I'm going to go to bed and see how I feel after I wake up. Hopefully things won't be weird between me and my dad when he comes home from work. I don't want to take any risks, I think it's best for me to find a public phone and call when no one is around because I'm to ashamed to admit that I want to call a sexual assault hotline to strangers.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby treasuretheday » Mon Feb 10, 2014 5:31 pm

A public phone sounds like a great idea. I never see those around anymore where I live...but if you know where to find one close by, great!

No, you wouldn't need to disclose that you were in need of phoning a "sexual assault" hotline. Maybe you could say, "I am in a scary situation and I need help. I need to call a hotline. May I use your phone?"

Also...keep in mind that you can pick up the phone at home and promptly dial 911 if the abuse starts up again. My strong suggestion? (But of course, this is ALL up to you!)...Don't wait for privacy to make that call. Just do it. Remember...this is abuse you are experiencing, not merely "weirdness."
Life itself is the proper binge.
-Julia Child
User avatar
treasuretheday
 
Posts: 660
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 3:42 pm
Location: Virginia Beach, VA, USA

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby KathleenBrugger » Tue Feb 11, 2014 5:13 am

Clouded, you showed a lot of courage just being able to write about it here. I agree with everyone else that you should get some outside help if at all possible. I know some women who had fathers who acted inappropriately, and it's very damaging psychologically. The sooner you can get out of that situation the better.
We are ALL Innocent by Reason of Insanity
http://kathleenbrugger.blogspot.com/
User avatar
KathleenBrugger
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Jul 22, 2013 5:18 pm

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby Clouded » Tue Feb 11, 2014 8:14 am

I finally told my mom over the phone because I couldn't keep it a secret any longer; I hate hiding things that only I am aware of, it puts too much pressure in my mind and I can't focus on anything else. I felt sick to my stomach because I kept thinking about how I would tell her this and the anticipation of expressing my thoughts and feelings only made it worse but I feel better and safer now that she knows. None of us think that my dad will ever be capable to rape me (this is what I fear the most from him), I just want him to learn to control his impulses (sexual and aggressive ones). I also casually talked to my dad about our similar interest because if I avoid seeing him, it will only make things worse between us and I don't want to develop a phobia towards him.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby peas » Tue Feb 11, 2014 9:58 am

Clouded wrote:I just want him to learn to control his impulses .... if I avoid seeing him, it will only make things worse between us and I don't want to develop a phobia towards him.


Only you know your situation well enough to decide what to do. You sound very balanced in your response. It does not sound reactive, which is very common in these situations.
peas
 
Posts: 389
Joined: Tue Dec 24, 2013 3:42 pm

Re: My issues with sex and lust

Postby Clouded » Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:40 pm

It's because I'm used to my dad's obsession with sex and lust for the female body. I just don't like to be reminded of that and when it's targeted at me, I feel a mixture of anxiety, confusion, shame and disgust. Whatever it is, it's a terrible feeling, much worse than the feelings that arise when he is violent towards me. I just don't want to deal with things like this in my life. How am I supposed to react when these things happen? I can make things more awkward if I accuse him of abusing me right on the spot which is something that I would say to a stranger, but not to my father because I live with him and see him every day.

I also find it strange that none of the gurus which I watch on youtube speak about sexual abuse. I think that sexual abuse triggers a lot of suffering in the mind, especially when it happens between you and someone you should trust.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Next

Return to Personal Experiences

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google Adsense [Bot], Yahoo [Bot] and 3 guests