My life is in shambles

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Wed Mar 05, 2014 8:42 pm

I'm almost certain that I won't get accepted into that program, how stupid of me to think that I could be able to create a complete/impressive portfolio in just 2 months! I overestimated myself, people take at least a year to make one, and they take courses that teach them how to make proper portfolios. Half of my projects are incomplete and I am not proud of the end result, it's very amateurish and I am ashamed that professionals will see and judge this pile of crap. I also had to write a letter of intent, summarizing my experiences...does viewing youtube videos for 2 months count as experience?? I lied, wrote that I have been practicing for over a year, thinking that maybe it will increase my chances of getting in. I went to the university to send my portfolio in person and after taking peeks at my competitors portfolios and seeing that I was going to get interviewed on the spot, I had a panic attack, threw my portfolio in the trash and left the building to return home. My dad convinced me to send my portfolio via mail (I had every project saved on my computer) because I was too ashamed to have people associate my face with this shit of a portfolio and I couldn't lie in the interview. Screw everything related to school and work, I have no specialization in anything. People here tell me to find something I love doing, again, who is the I that loves something? Thought that any identification with form is a lie. Truth is, I have no passion, I have no determination, I have no inspiration whatsoever, I'm either neutral about something or I hate it. I am just dragging my ass from program to program because society dictates to me that I need to make myself useful and get a job. If it were up to me, I'd just stay home and play neopets or the sims3 until I die of old age, THAT'S SOMETHING THAT I DON'T MIND DOING FOR HOURS TIL NO END.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Fore » Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:29 pm

Clouded wrote:because society dictates to me that I need to make myself useful and get a job.


You need to sustain and shelter the body, the rest is "stuff" and can be let go of.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby runstrails » Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:41 pm

Take a deep breath, clouded. See that you are having a meltdown. (it's fine, it happens to all of us at some time or another). Take a time out and do something else for a while. Come back and finish your portfolio as best as you can. If it's not good enough---so be it. You'll try again or you'll try something else. If you give it your best, then that's all you can do. You don't really control any results, reality does that.
I find that meltdowns lead to periods of intense inquiry. I hope that happens for you too. All the very best and keep us posted.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Wed Mar 05, 2014 11:19 pm

It's too late to do any changes to the portfolio now, the deadline has passed and I can't register for the Winter 2015 term because the program is only open in the fall of every year, so I'll have to wait another year, and I'll be 23-going on 24 by then. So much time lost and nothing came out of it, I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere. I don't know what to do, I lost every spark in me because all I've gotten in the past years were bad results, I have this preconceived notion that everything I will set up to do will fail miserably because I'm the one doing it. I've been thinking, and maybe I should end the shit that I started. Maybe I should request to retake the courses I failed/show up to the finals that I purposely missed and see what happens. Thing is, I have a very short memory for the things I learn in school, so I don't think it's going to be easier the second time, I don't remember much. I posted my CV online not because I want a job, but because I want an excuse to get out of the house because I'm tired of living like a hermit. I applied as a dishwasher, a hotel maid and retirement home cafeteria lady and other jobs that don't require much communication with strangers (which is something that I do not enjoy and am not comfortable doing). I hope someone calls me back, I don't know why I need to do an interview for this?? My life is so dull, I spend more time fantasizing about the life I wish I had than experiencing life through my physical body. Sorry, but I don't feel bliss when I am staring at a tree, I find it boring and I am not really into nature sightseeing. If I could, I would live my life through lucid dreaming, where I can be in complete control of everything. Don't care if no-one else can experience this and thus cannot validate it's existence, if I like it and i'm happy there, then that's all that matters. Don't care if my body is aging and I have nothing going for myself. Screw the physical world, it has not been very kind to me. My mind can be a prison, but it can also be a sanctuary when I want it to.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby danyc » Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:52 am

How's it going Clouded? I'm interested in hearing how you're doing.

Do you feel like society is asking too much of you? Do you feel like nobody thinks you're inherently valuable without contributing to the world somehow?
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Tue Mar 18, 2014 12:46 pm

Do you feel like society is asking too much of you?


More like my parents. My dad is making jokes that I will be attending university at 50 and still be working on a bachelor's degree and my mom has expressed her worries about me becoming an old maid and childless. They keep reminding me of my age and how I stagnated while people and the world around me continues to evolve and they worry that I might have a bigger mental illness than BPD/OCD like bipolar disorder. They now hope to marry me off because they can't financially sustain me forever and I think that they're crazy if they think that now is a good time for me to consider marriage, I'm way too young and mentally unprepared for this, I have nothing personal sorted out, I don't want to have to fully depend on someone else, and I'm not going to pressure myself to change my life just so they can relax and ''die peacefully'' because I won't have to struggle with money issues. I'm tired of their need of money, I no longer want to please them, I just want to please myself and all I want is to find inner peace and I'm sure that their desires for me won't bring me that. I wish that they would stop blaming me for their unpleasant feelings towards me, I wish my parents would stop being parents and react like strangers, I hate that my choices affect them so much, why can't they just leave me alone and stop caring about what THEY think is good for my well-being? They don't understand what I need! If I ever decided to spontaneously take a plane to Asia to live the lifestyle of a female monk, they will call the police and request psychiatric help for me. Sometimes I think that my life would be more peaceful if they didn't exist, that only then will I be free (from their worries) because I know that I internalized their worries. The only reason why they want me to graduate from university is for me to be able to get a high wage job so I can afford my own place and be able to feed and treat myself. I know that they have good intentions but they're not the right intentions. I have many pastimes, but it doesn't mean much to them because it doesn't bring the household any money. I recently learned to play a new song on the piano and they thought that the time I spent learning the song should have been spent at work/studying for a degree. I don't care if they weren't proud of me, I was not looking for their approval.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby the key master » Sat Mar 22, 2014 12:08 am

Jed Mckenna says the first rule of spiritual enlightenment is 'kill your parents', metaphorically of course.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Sun Mar 23, 2014 10:59 am

I know that this is what I must do, still it will only be one-sided because regardless of what they will symbolize to me, they will still see themselves as my parents and will continue worrying about where my life is going and try to meddle with it and steer it in the direction with the best possible outcome (according to them) because they think it is their job as parents to do so. I wish I could abandon them but I don't have the financial means to do so at the moment, oh yeah, and my mom will probably go bat shit crazy trying to find me/convince me to return back home through bribery. Basically, I'm just frustrated because I am stuck in a loop. I want to leave the nest but I don't want to participate in society. I am trying to make myself believe that I want to do something with my life but I ain't feeling the drive to put thoughts into action.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby the key master » Sun Mar 23, 2014 3:03 pm

Clouded wrote:I know that this is what I must do, still it will only be one-sided because regardless of what they will symbolize to me, they will still see themselves as my parents and will continue worrying about where my life is going and try to meddle with it and steer it in the direction with the best possible outcome (according to them) because they think it is their job as parents to do so.


Right, it's called unconscious projection. Everything they failed to do in their lives they project onto you and your life situation and imagine steering you toward what they failed at is somehow a good idea, or even better, toward what they imagined they succeeded at. They're emotionally divided inside dealing with their own conflicts and project those conflicts onto you because they can't see it in themselves. If you weren't broken they wouldn't have anything to fix.

I wish I could abandon them but I don't have the financial means to do so at the moment, oh yeah, and my mom will probably go bat shit crazy trying to find me/convince me to return back home through bribery.


Well you could always just point out their projections and use their unconscious guilt to get them to do whatever you want. So there is an upside.

Basically, I'm just frustrated because I am stuck in a loop.


Maybe. The human mind thinks in terms of 0's and 1's, so you become unstuck by putting a maybe onto the loop you appear to be stuck in. If you're only maybe stuck in that loop, then maybe you aren't. That should free up some of the frustration from gerbil wheeling through infinity and perhaps make things feel somewhat lighter.

I want to leave the nest but I don't want to participate in society.


Maybe. Maybe you want to participate in society but just haven't aligned with the appropriate vision. Perhaps staying in the nest for a while isn't such a bad idea. Seemingly, the choice is yours. Never let anyone overthrow your will, not mom dad or anyone. This is your dream.

I am trying to make myself believe that I want to do something with my life but I ain't feeling the drive to put thoughts into action.


No need to try. Just open up the loops and let the potential present itself to you. Your heart will naturally align with the path of levity and least resistance when your mind isn't busy defending stories, maybe.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Onceler » Sun Mar 23, 2014 3:33 pm

Nice reply, Key.
Be present, be pleasant.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Mar 24, 2014 5:11 am

KM said: Right, it's called unconscious projection. Everything they failed to do in their lives they project onto you and your life situation and imagine steering you toward what they failed at is somehow a good idea, or even better, toward what they imagined they succeeded at. They're emotionally divided inside dealing with their own conflicts and project those conflicts onto you because they can't see it in themselves. If you weren't broken they wouldn't have anything to fix


It is called unconscious projection and it's a two way street.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Mon Mar 24, 2014 5:33 am

it's a two way street.

Are you saying that I'm projecting unconscious pain upon my parents too?
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Mar 24, 2014 5:36 am

Are you saying that I'm projecting unconscious pain upon my parents too?

No Clouded, I'm saying that you're looking outside of yourself for the pain you are creating in yourself.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Mon Mar 24, 2014 5:47 am

My parents instilled these ideals in me through emotional manipulation and physical pain. Remember, I was beaten when I brought home bad grades, I was badmouthed and reduced to nothing. It took them many years to brain wash me into thinking like them and now I carry their fears with me, believing that my value will be worthless if I don't achieve what they wanted from me. Yes, I am responsible for my suffering now because I'm choosing not to let go of negative thinking, but I did not create my own suffering, it was created by my parents and was passed down to me.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Mar 24, 2014 6:03 am

No choice is wrong Clouded, just be aware of who is choosing what.

I wonder if you'll resonate with this young lady
http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_if_i ... a_daughter
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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