My life is in shambles

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Mon Mar 24, 2014 7:11 am

Well I come here to let others know that my problems exist and that they should matter, that I am hurting and that they are real and not to be taken lightly because it is my life after all. I can't really express these thoughts and feelings to my parents because they will accuse me of being this or that, give me the opposite advice of what was given here (such as resist my feelings of sadness/anger, aka. hide your emotions because they are disturbing the peace) or act as if whatever I am experiencing is not as important as what they are experiencing. They just won't listen objectively (my favorite is when I ask my mother to give me her point of view on something that puts strain on our relationship; she does not give me an answer and proceeds to ask the same damn question but directed at myself! What gives!!? I used to post on various other self help forums before I discovered Eckhart Tolle but I decided to stay here because I felt that the people here paid more attention to my problems than their own (probably because I thought that they had solved all of their problems) and I felt important. For once, people weren't caught in their own problems and I was the center of attention but as soon as that started to die down because people don't reply as much as they used to, I don't come here as often as I did. Yes I want to be heard because at home my suffering is belittled. Being heard makes me feel better.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Mar 24, 2014 7:26 am

Being heard makes me feel better.

The young lady in the TedTalk (linked in the previous response) expressed the same notion, only differently. I like her notion that there are three stages to achieving anything 1. Say/think I can 2. Then do and the 3 that never ends, Grow & explore & test yourself.

Can I ask, how do you think your parents provided the 'nest' that you're not sure if you want to fly from?
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Mon Mar 24, 2014 8:11 am

yes, I saw the video, although I'm not really passionate about writing (much less talking to strangers), I still want people to think about what I am experiencing and if I can't do it telepathically, I'll have to find another way of communication. Thank you for introducing Sarah Kay to me, I actually really like her poems, I'm listening to some of them right now.

At home, for starters, I don't have to face strangers (clients, bosses, employees), I know how rude some people can be, I worked with the public before and I hated it, it was a stressful time for me and I felt completely out of my element. It is strange, at home I am used to being called degrading names, but when a stranger disapproves of me and my work, it hurts so much more, as if it confirms that my parents were right about me.

At home, I don't have to worry about paying bills. I don't have to pay for gas because my dad lends me his car when he can. I don't even pay my own cellphone bill because I don't bring home any money. So my parents are my personal accountants, free of charge.

At home, I am not alone. I don't have anyone to move in with if I ever decide to leave the nest. This is embarrassing, but I have a fear being left alone in a house at night when anyone can enter my room and kill me when I am sleeping. Long story...dumb childhood fear my mother planted in my head; when I was 7 I had a friend sleep over whose parents were overly religious (and were also my parent's friends from church) and that night, my mom had a dream where she had to save me from being killed by her parents with a knife, and apparently she woke up to me screaming in my sleep and she found a mark under my chest where the knife had been in her dream and concluded that her parents were performing dark magic on me or whatever and that she saved me from death. She banished me from seeing that girl because she told me her family was evil, got rid of all film and photographic evidence of our friendship with this family, stopped going to church, and called priests and other specialists with the supernatural to analyse my mark and chant the dark spirits away from my body. If you ask me, that's a really messed up thing for a child to go through; believing that the evil is inside of them. I slept with my mom in my bed until I was 20 (which I know did my parents' relationship no good) and now I can only sleep with my door open and a night light when my parents are at home or else I'll be alert at any noise.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby the key master » Mon Mar 24, 2014 10:28 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:
KM said: Right, it's called unconscious projection. Everything they failed to do in their lives they project onto you and your life situation and imagine steering you toward what they failed at is somehow a good idea, or even better, toward what they imagined they succeeded at. They're emotionally divided inside dealing with their own conflicts and project those conflicts onto you because they can't see it in themselves. If you weren't broken they wouldn't have anything to fix


It is called unconscious projection and it's a two way street.


Not if you're fully conscious. If you're suggesting Clouded isn't fully conscious, I might agree with you. But we were creating a game plan to metaphorically kill her parents, not become fully conscious, hehe.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Mon Mar 24, 2014 10:41 am

If you're suggesting Clouded isn't fully conscious, I might agree with you.

Show me where I am not being conscious.

To continue my reasons for not leaving the nest: I don't get very well accustomed to change, I feel anxious in new environments. I like things as they are, familiarity to me is comforting. If my parents decide to mind their own business, then I wouldn't feel the need to leave them for my own good. Listening to their crap about me is the price I have to pay to keep things as they are. I really don't know how I would cope if it was me against the world. Maybe I'll have another mental breakdown down the line.

Moving out takes a lot of planning to find a place to live and money that I don't have.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby the key master » Mon Mar 24, 2014 10:43 am

Clouded wrote:yes, I saw the video, although I'm not really passionate about writing (much less talking to strangers), I still want people to think about what I am experiencing and if I can't do it telepathically, I'll have to find another way of communication. Thank you for introducing Sarah Kay to me, I actually really like her poems, I'm listening to some of them right now.

At home, for starters, I don't have to face strangers (clients, bosses, employees), I know how rude some people can be, I worked with the public before and I hated it, it was a stressful time for me and I felt completely out of my element. It is strange, at home I am used to being called degrading names, but when a stranger disapproves of me and my work, it hurts so much more, as if it confirms that my parents were right about me.

At home, I don't have to worry about paying bills. I don't have to pay for gas because my dad lends me his car when he can. I don't even pay my own cellphone bill because I don't bring home any money. So my parents are my personal accountants, free of charge.

At home, I am not alone. I don't have anyone to move in with if I ever decide to leave the nest. This is embarrassing, but I have a fear being left alone in a house at night when anyone can enter my room and kill me when I am sleeping. Long story...dumb childhood fear my mother planted in my head; when I was 7 I had a friend sleep over whose parents were overly religious (and were also my parent's friends from church) and that night, my mom had a dream where she had to save me from being killed by her parents with a knife, and apparently she woke up to me screaming in my sleep and she found a mark under my chest where the knife had been in her dream and concluded that her parents were performing dark magic on me or whatever and that she saved me from death. She banished me from seeing that girl because she told me her family was evil, got rid of all film and photographic evidence of our friendship with this family, stopped going to church, and called priests and other specialists with the supernatural to analyse my mark and chant the dark spirits away from my body. If you ask me, that's a really messed up thing for a child to go through; believing that the evil is inside of them. I slept with my mom in my bed until I was 20 (which I know did my parents' relationship no good) and now I can only sleep with my door open and a night light when my parents are at home or else I'll be alert at any noise.



Geez clouded. It seems like you got some pretty thick shackles to dice off. But you also seem to have some nuclear style energy underneath you and a healthy degree of self contempt, not a bad thing in the awakening game. Jed Mckenna parallels waking someone up with deprogramming them from a cult after years of brainwashing. And at the end of the whole thing you see you actually brainwashed yourself :shock:
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby the key master » Mon Mar 24, 2014 10:50 am

Clouded wrote:
If you're suggesting Clouded isn't fully conscious, I might agree with you.

Show me where I am not being conscious.

To continue my reasons for not leaving the nest: I don't get very well accustomed to change, I feel anxious in new environments. I like things as they are, familiarity to me is comforting. If my parents decide to mind their own business, then I wouldn't feel the need to leave them for my own good. Listening to their crap about me is the price I have to pay to keep things as they are. I really don't know how I would cope if it was me against the world. Maybe I'll have another mental breakdown down the line.

Moving out takes a lot of planning to find a place to live and money that I don't have.


You seem to be dealing with a fear of the unknown.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Mon Mar 24, 2014 11:03 am

You seem to be dealing with a fear of the unknown.

Pretty much. I feel that this fear has prevented me from growing up. When I don't know how to deal with things that are unfamiliar to me, I panic and sometimes break down and I wish I could escape through death. I'm not happy in this mind, I wish I could reprogram myself easily and see life through a new perspective. Sometimes I worry that I'm just too brain damaged to heal, that the damage that has been done to me is irreversible.

I was a scared child and now I'm a scared adult. Not much has changed, except that I realized that I had been brainwashed all of this time, by my parents and by myself (it's true). Sad no one could have taught me those things when I was younger, would have saved me a lot of pain. It's hard to let go of the past, It's hard to metaphorically kill yourself.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby the key master » Mon Mar 24, 2014 11:25 am

Clouded wrote:
You seem to be dealing with a fear of the unknown.

Pretty much. I feel that this fear has prevented me from growing up. When I don't know how to deal with things that are unfamiliar to me, I panic and sometimes break down and I wish I could escape through death.


So it seems like the unfamiliar is a trigger for you. By the time you hit the 'panic' button, you're mind has likely already conjured up a deal of energy that you aren't even conscious of. See if you can bring a little consciousness before you get to that point of panic. This doesn't mean the unfamiliar is suddenly going to become completely comfortable, but you will be leaving yourself the option to walk away from situations, find a place of comfort, and maybe take a deeper look at what's going on internally.

I'm not happy in this mind, I wish I could reprogram myself easily and see life through a new perspective. Sometimes I worry that I'm just too brain damaged to heal, that the damage that has been done to me is irreversible.


You can definitely reprogram yourself, and I sincerely doubt that you're too brain damaged to heal.

I was a scared child and now I'm a scared adult.


As kids life can be pretty scary bears at times, and it seems life called upon you to shoulder more weight than most as a young one. As we develop coping mechanisms through our youth, these mechanisms stay in place through adulthood and sometimes these mechanisms are indications of dysfunction. When you start to get panic attacks and things of the like, you can remind yourself, 'there is an adult here now' that can handle all this. In this way you won't be reverting back to the inner child and will begin to program yourself into a higher state of tolerance for certain energy.

Not much has changed, except that I realized that I had been brainwashed all of this time, by my parents and by myself (it's true). Sad no one could have taught me those things when I was younger, would have saved me a lot of pain. It's hard to let go of the past, It's hard to metaphorically kill yourself.


Yea it can be tough.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby alex » Tue Mar 25, 2014 12:41 pm

Sad no one could have taught me those things when I was younger, would have saved me a lot of pain.


Sweetheart, one day your pain will not seem any less beautiful than your joy. You will come to a place where you will be grateful for every second of your suffering. For it is your suffering that will drive you to wake up. It will be in the full meeting of your pain that your heart will break open.

I have suffered much! I have traversed a very painful path and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Be gentle with yourself. You are very wounded. Where your parents have not held you tenderly enough you must learn to hold yourself, a warm gentle embrace that includes all of you.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby peas » Wed Mar 26, 2014 4:47 am

Clouded wrote:I'm almost certain that I won't get accepted into that program, how stupid of me to think that I could be able to create a complete/impressive portfolio in just 2 months! I overestimated myself, people take at least a year to make one, and they take courses that teach them how to make proper portfolios. Half of my projects are incomplete and I am not proud of the end result, it's very amateurish and I am ashamed that professionals will see and judge this pile of crap. I also had to write a letter of intent, summarizing my experiences...does viewing youtube videos for 2 months count as experience?? I lied, wrote that I have been practicing for over a year, thinking that maybe it will increase my chances of getting in. I went to the university to send my portfolio in person and after taking peeks at my competitors portfolios and seeing that I was going to get interviewed on the spot, I had a panic attack, threw my portfolio in the trash and left the building to return home. My dad convinced me to send my portfolio via mail (I had every project saved on my computer) because I was too ashamed to have people associate my face with this shit of a portfolio and I couldn't lie in the interview. Screw everything related to school and work, I have no specialization in anything. People here tell me to find something I love doing, again, who is the I that loves something? Thought that any identification with form is a lie. Truth is, I have no passion, I have no determination, I have no inspiration whatsoever, I'm either neutral about something or I hate it. I am just dragging my ass from program to program because society dictates to me that I need to make myself useful and get a job. If it were up to me, I'd just stay home and play neopets or the sims3 until I die of old age, THAT'S SOMETHING THAT I DON'T MIND DOING FOR HOURS TIL NO END.


How's the self discovery going? I haven't seen any self-advice shared on the forums. Have you given yourself any advice?
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby dijmart » Thu Mar 27, 2014 8:34 pm

Clouded,

I don't understand you. You say how your parents are so abusive, then say you slept in the same bed with your Mom until you were 20 yrs old. :shock:

You don't want to leave the support of your parents, but ultimately you'd like them dead and out of your business. :roll:
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Fri Mar 28, 2014 7:46 am

It's her fault that I am afraid of being alone in the dark, she could have just kept her dreams and fears to herself. She should have known better than to scare me like that at such a young age (I still believed in Santa Claus, of course I believed any of the scary crap she came up with.) Sometimes I question this woman's mind because her reasoning is terrible; she was only thinking about calming herself and not the impact that sharing her fears may have on me. I grew up thinking that the world was a dangerous place and mommy had to protect me from the evil wicked people who want to harm me.

My parents are the only financial and free "emotional" support I have right now. I stick to what I have until something better comes along because without them, I'd be living on the streets.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Clouded » Fri Mar 28, 2014 7:52 pm

I just discovered that the creator of the oculus rift who sold his invention for 2 billion dollars to facebook is only 21 years old, this guy won't have to worry about money for the rest of his life. Virtual reality facebook, just what I needed to brighten up my days!
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My life is in shambles

Postby Yidaki » Wed Apr 09, 2014 11:49 am

Hi clouded,

I've only recently joined up and have been reading your story that you have posted on here.

First things first: you have to stop comparing to others and their situations. Your situation right now is what it is. Looking into the future or to the past will not help you here.

On a personal note, I have been struggling with anxiety issues which have kept me somewhat 'homebound' for nearly two years. I finished a degree two years ago but fear stopped me when I was beginning my honours degree. I ran away from the honours degree because the fear was too great. The fear wasn't about the work, but about how these 'important' academics will perceive me particularly when I had to deliver a presentation. So I had that fear as well as the natural fear of public speaking.

So what have I been doing over these two years? Well a lot of introspection hence why I found Eckhart Tolle. If it wasn't for the fear, than I wouldn't of understood what life really meant. I also was suffering with some other issues as well so all my suffering was meant to be so that I could see my egoic mind in action and that I could begin to dis-identify with it. Other than introspecting, I have been struggling with the anxiety particularly going places and interacting. I'm 28 years old and my mind is constantly telling me I suck because I have wasted time and that I am not living up to responsibilities. It keeps telling me that I will be like this forever and that those childhood fears will never leave me. It keeps telling me that I will never get a job and that I'll never be able to cope in the 'real' world. It tells me these things and uses my physical body to give me anxiety symptoms when I face the fear.

I am thankful to have found Eckhart Tolle's teachings. They have been a saving grace during these years. Right now, I am still stuck, but I know it's just a story. I know that things will change and that I will get the courage soon enough to venture into life. I see this period as a realignment with my true path in life. Suffering was necessary until it became unnecessary - as Eckhart would put it. How else do I deal with my situation? I could fall into a pit of depression but I don't. I have felt the true meaning of life and I see it everyday in things like a plant, a flower or simply the wind in my face. When you realise what true life is, then these pressures melt away because you know that you are realigning with true life and that once you do this, your true path will follow.

Some other things to consider: I am not sure if you are familiar with the concept of shame. Here is a little explanation: "Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction, and drive to superachieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. It limits the development of self esteem and causes anxiety and depression, and limits our ability to be connected in relationships.". Shame is the story that was given to us. Google John Bradshaw and the book "Healing the shame the binds you".

Your situation is what it is right now. Don't fight it. The less you resist, the more easier it becomes. You will be fine in the end because you are a representation of life and you have already succeeded in every possible way (yes, this is another Eckhart Tolle quote :D )
"Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed." ~ Eckhart Tolle
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