Terrifying panick attack/meditative experience

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Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:40 am
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Terrifying panick attack/meditative experience

Post by spikyface » Fri Apr 11, 2014 1:03 am


I've not been around a lot lately, think it's because I've been kinda depressed and withdrawn for the past couple of years

Anyway recently I had an intense experience that forced me back towards waking the hell up so thought it was worth sharing. It's a bit long and rambling because it was written immediately afterwards, but on the positive side, I've not discussed this with anyone so far so I guess that makes you special :)

Today after coming back from a clay pigeon shooting day out (me and my young cousin tied for first place in our group of 7 with 14 hits out of 25 shots, not bad for a first time)
I was (and still am to some extent) gripped with the most soul crushing/exploding utterly terrifying feeling of infinite dread, the scope of this fear is impossible to fathom, even I can barely grasp a smidgeon of what's happening but I'll try to start from the beginning


After stopping for a quick smoke I became extremely paranoid and panicked, which is incredibly unusual for me, I am sometimes the (relatively) calm centre of the storm, when other people are panicking and need reassurance, I am the one who calms them down, who tells them to breathe slowly, focus on your breathing, relax, nothing will happen, etc.

Upon returning home this feeling increased to the point of seeming absolutely unbearable, I realised I was in the middle of the WORST PANICK ATTACK I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE

My heart was pounding like a jackrabbit, insanely fast, my blood pressure must have been absolutely through the roof, I could hear and feel it surging all around my head, an infinite number of thoughts are simultaneously exploding into existence in my mind in the same way the universe exploded into being from nothingness, from the dream of the one who's face I now see in my mind's eye, my dumb, feeble, uncomprehending slackjawed bovine eye, it is trying to perceive the infinite face of Brahman through the eyes of an insignificant, inconsequential and absolutely miniscule mortal
It is like a 3 dimensional being trying to grasp a 4 dimensional being, it's just not possible

Or to put it more succinctly, in my mind I can see the infinite void, the face of the cosmos, a tiny tiny tiny inkling of Brahman's visage, of his face, of the infinite

I have dreamt of this silhouette beforem although it was human sized then. When I look at it, I see only the abyss: blackness and stars. It was never clear to me who or what it represented before, just that it is some kind of cosmic being

Now I see it for what it really is, the face of Brahman, the dreamer, stretching in every direction beyond comprehension. The scale is insanely vast, impossible to describe

Wikipedia has a description of Brahman
The unchanging reality amidst and beyond the world",[1] which "cannot be exactly defined".[2] It has been described in Sanskrit as Sat-cit-ānanda (being-consciousness-bliss)[3] and as the highest reality

The panick, the feeling was so totally unexpected and so utterly overwhelming, I want to simultaneously scream, run, jump, cry, talk, be alone, fall in love, explode, implode, kill myself, take a shotgun blow my brains out, slit my throat with a stanley knife, form an everlasting connection with the first woman I meet, someone I don't know, have never met, have known for years, punch myself in the head, aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh just everything, everything, everything, everyvFUCKING THING THOUGHT FEELING AND SENSATION IN THE UNIVERSE ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE

I can't even begin to describe it properly, words fail on every level to do it justice

Imagine looking into the face of an INFINITE COSMIC BEING

Can you even begin to...? I don't even know how, the maelstrom is just SO INTENSE and world shatteringly terrifying, such exponential dread the mind buckles like a goblet crushed beneath the inconceivably vast heel of infinity

I am becoming one with all that is, was and will be and something inside is more scared than it has ever been before of being so totally obliterated/annhilated

All the old sayings make sense now, you will find enlightenment when the desire becomes greater than the desire to breathe, this experience made the desire to surrender seem like a survival choice

When you find yourself staring into the eye of the eternal, you have only two choices;

1. Totally and unconditionally surrender
2. Be destroyed

To be perfectly clear, this makes it seem like I have or had a say in it but I don't believe this is the case, whatever happens will happen

And yet, despite all of this, despite everything, this too shall pass

At one point it seemed like my mind is furiously reconfiguring itself into something entirely different, actually it still seems like that, like it's changing shape, reconfiguring itself and adapting to house an entirely different, alien and unknown consciousness or realisation

In order for the realisation of oneness to become permanent, the brain must be capable of CHANNELLING it, not housing it, it cannot be contained

The chalice must change shape to be able to contain the ... (poor choice of words).... soma, it's slipping away now, I can feel it

It's gone now I think but something has definitely begun, some kind of transformation

That was about two weeks ago, the week after that for the first couple of days I felt ...good but didn't want to be around anyone else, so stayed in the flat (I live alone) for a couple of days. Then the usual guilt and self-loathing set back in and the next 5 days were spent feeling godawful, so depressed that I lost the ability for feel anything good for a few days and began to shut down (i.e. just sitting in a dark room staring into space with no idea at all what to do, despite being surrounded by things I could enjoy and having no reason not to leave the flat either). I began treatment for that a month ago though so no need for concern. Have been doing a lot better this week

Part of the reason I didn't share this with anyone was because of something Kiki pointed out the last time this happened, identifying with experiences is not the same as true and abiding awareness, the one does not necessarily equal the other (not in those exact words but I hope I didn't butcher the meaning too badly)

Have a great weekend folks
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within

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Re: Terrifying panick attack/meditative experience

Post by runstrails » Fri Apr 11, 2014 4:24 am

Hi Spiky,
Great to hear from you on the forum again!

I agree with Kiki that experiences are just that. Even if they are strange or frightening or amazing or blissful---they are experiences and will pass sooner or later. However, self-realization is more permanent.

I also recall having strange experiences during this journey---now I think it was just my subconscious acting up.

Keep us posted and welcome back!

Posts: 383
Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:40 am
Location: Sheffield, England

Re: Terrifying panick attack/meditative experience

Post by spikyface » Sat Apr 12, 2014 11:45 pm

Heya runstrails, long time no speak, how have you been?

Alkaline Trio - Bleeder (Lyrics): http://youtu.be/I2Pyj7xxtFk

Was driving to work the other day and the intro to this song reminded me of the experience, good punk rock song too
Do not take anyone as an authority on what you are. Ultimately all the answers lie within

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