My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

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My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby Clouded » Thu May 08, 2014 12:42 pm

Lately I've been having trouble sleeping (I slept about 5 hours every 2 days for the past 2 weeks) because my mind is constantly focused on my newest addiction (posting on another forum/playing the sims3). Even when I go to bed (not because I want to, but because my mother wants me to), I think of what I shall do next on the forum/game. I can't break this cycle of addiction because I don't want to break it (it keeps me busy, the days go by quickly and it gives me a sense of accomplishment, especially when I share things online with other people and get their approval) but I feel like crap at the end of the day. I know that there is more to life than what is on my computer screen, I just can't seem to let go. My mind doesn't care very much about anything else, I don't even want to go downstairs to eat because that will mean that I will have to leave the computer. I just eat as quick as I can and get back to my spot. I know that I promised my parents that I will be searching for a job and at least upload my cv online for others to see but I procrastinate so much that I forget about getting get a job. To be honest, even nowadays I don't plan to do anything with my life and I'd rather stay on my computer than go to work and this choice is eating me alive. Why can't I be like most people and be able to do different things in the day? Why don't I get bored easily of repetition? Why do I have difficulty doing things in moderation? I always have phases where I am hardcore into something until something else that I deem as more interesting comes along to replace my former obsession. I don't know if meditating can get rid of this personality trait of mine (so far, it's not working very well, my mind can't wait to return thinking about the forum/game), it's just too strong. I feel exhausted, unhappy and stressed even if I have nothing to be stressed about!
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby the key master » Thu May 08, 2014 5:26 pm

Clouded wrote:I can't break this cycle of addiction because I don't want to break it


Right, you could break it you just don't want to.

Why can't I be like most people and be able to do different things in the day?


Because you don't want to be, right?

Why don't I get bored easily of repetition?


Fear of the unknown and the desire to do what you want to.

Why do I have difficulty doing things in moderation?


Because you like doing what you enjoy as much as possible.

I always have phases where I am hardcore into something until something else that I deem as more interesting comes along to replace my former obsession. I don't know if meditating can get rid of this personality trait of mine (so far, it's not working very well, my mind can't wait to return thinking about the forum/game), it's just too strong. I feel exhausted, unhappy and stressed even if I have nothing to be stressed about!


Have you ever played Call of Duty?
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby Clouded » Thu May 08, 2014 9:36 pm

So I just woke up and the first thing I did was go on the computer to check that other forum. No I don't play COD, i'm not into army-themed games. Plus, I'm only playing the sims3 so I can take screenshots of the game and post them on that forum to make people laugh and receive likes. I may like this but I don't feel fulfilled doing this. Today I'm going to upload my cv, no excuses!
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby the key master » Thu May 08, 2014 10:07 pm

Clouded wrote:So I just woke up and the first thing I did was go on the computer to check that other forum. No I don't play COD, i'm not into army-themed games. Plus, I'm only playing the sims3 so I can take screenshots of the game and post them on that forum to make people laugh and receive likes. I may like this but I don't feel fulfilled doing this. Today I'm going to upload my cv, no excuses!



Good luck with the CV 8)
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby Clouded » Sat May 10, 2014 12:00 pm

Thanks. I'm not looking forward to clean up after people but at least I won't be in a stressful environment and be forced to approach random clients all while sporting a fake smile and pretending that I enjoy what I am doing. I am mourning the time that I spent studying, I am never going to get those years out of my youth back and my efforts in trying to be a top student served me nothing. If it weren't for my dad pressuring me to academically succeed, maybe I wouldn't have graduated from high school or enrolled in university and could have gotten a job in my teens instead and by now, I could have bought my own place with the money I could have made working. I have to live in the NOW because all this contemplation of what have might had been if I was in charge of my life is depressing me. I finally convinced my parents to allow me to buy a dog with my own money so I'm feeling more motivated to find a job. I need to feel some happier emotions inside of me (which stem from beliefs that I judge as positive) in order to feel the drive to make a significant change in my life.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby the key master » Sat May 10, 2014 6:30 pm

Clouded wrote:Thanks. I'm not looking forward to clean up after people but at least I won't be in a stressful environment and be forced to approach random clients all while sporting a fake smile and pretending that I enjoy what I am doing. I am mourning the time that I spent studying, I am never going to get those years out of my youth back and my efforts in trying to be a top student served me nothing. If it weren't for my dad pressuring me to academically succeed, maybe I wouldn't have graduated from high school or enrolled in university and could have gotten a job in my teens instead and by now, I could have bought my own place with the money I could have made working. I have to live in the NOW because all this contemplation of what have might had been if I was in charge of my life is depressing me. I finally convinced my parents to allow me to buy a dog with my own money so I'm feeling more motivated to find a job.


That sounds good.

I need to feel some happier emotions inside of me (which stem from beliefs that I judge as positive) in order to feel the drive to make a significant change in my life.


Maybe. The drive to make change can and often does come from a place of despair, while the movement away from that place is interpreted as positive because hope is implicitly forward moving. That movement is the dualistic experience and isn't itself a problem. In fact, 50% of your experience will always be better than the other 50%. While your emotional body can play the role of letting you know which side of the line you currently inhabit, being on one side or the other doesn't mean you have to argue with or hold onto where you happen to be or how you might be feeling. That's what I would call suffering, and it is of course optional.
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby Clouded » Sat May 10, 2014 10:31 pm

The drive to make change can and often does come from a place of despair


Meh, this has never happened to me. Despair only inspires me to play the role of the victim so everyone (including myself) could feel sorry for my suffering, but getting people's attention and sympathy doesn't help me want to make a positive change in my life, in fact, experiencing self-pity only makes me want to stay the victim for as long as I can. I don't know, I guess it makes me feel like my suffering is not my fault because I use my negative feelings as an excuse for failing at things and being extremely lazy and as long as I stay with those emotions, I don't have to do anything but moan (and moaning requires less effort than studying/working) and if I get other people to feel sorry for myself, then I can justify my laziness since they too will agree with me that I'm suffering so I won't have to feel guilty for my laziness. It's been a year since I've done anything productive like go to school or work and I still use the term ''feeling depressed'' to explain why I'm not doing any of those things, and there were lots of days where I felt at least okay if not good and was in perfect condition to go to school/work but I chose to play on the computer instead and then I moan that I want a dog and my own place (and I expect to get them without doing anything to earn them). The awful truth is that I crave being ''babied'' and comforted without doing anything to really deserve it and as I mentioned multiple times here, I am lazy as heck and enjoy being a couch potato but that doesn't get me really far in life and I want to make a change, feel a sense of fulfilment and grow as a person. I make a tragedy out of my life to others and to myself when it is not really the case. It could have been much, much worse. If only there was a quick and effective way to change my thinking patterns to hardly recognize my old self. Plus my parents aren't really helping with all their nagging and blaming me for their unhappiness, it just makes me want to rebel against them. :|
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby the key master » Sun May 11, 2014 4:28 pm

Clouded wrote:
The drive to make change can and often does come from a place of despair


Meh, this has never happened to me. Despair only inspires me to play the role of the victim so everyone (including myself) could feel sorry for my suffering, but getting people's attention and sympathy doesn't help me want to make a positive change in my life, in fact, experiencing self-pity only makes me want to stay the victim for as long as I can.


There's nothing implicitly wrong with playing the victim. Heck, use guilt, use everything, but what you may notice is that the dream will only grow in your favor if you are adding value to life. You aren't actually a separate person, but you can use the idea that you are to create desired movements. Creation happens to be your own dream.

I don't know, I guess it makes me feel like my suffering is not my fault because I use my negative feelings as an excuse for failing at things and being extremely lazy and as long as I stay with those emotions, I don't have to do anything but moan (and moaning requires less effort than studying/working) and if I get other people to feel sorry for myself, then I can justify my laziness since they too will agree with me that I'm suffering so I won't have to feel guilty for my laziness.


I don't mind the approach, but in terms of dream mechanics, it's only winning if you truly want to be lazy. It seems you feel guilty about how lazy you can be, which is indicative of a mind split, which is where the suffering business starts. Like, "I love being lazy but I want to see dreams fulfilled which require energy and lots of work." It's faulty logic. The question is which statement is BS and which one isn't. You don't actually have to figure that part out (life is self writing). Maybe you wanted to be lazy up until now, but perhaps you might want to pursue some vision of future with all your heart. I don't know. Maybe you know.

It's been a year since I've done anything productive like go to school or work and I still use the term ''feeling depressed'' to explain why I'm not doing any of those things, and there were lots of days where I felt at least okay if not good and was in perfect condition to go to school/work but I chose to play on the computer instead and then I moan that I want a dog and my own place (and I expect to get them without doing anything to earn them). The awful truth is that I crave being ''babied'' and comforted without doing anything to really deserve it and as I mentioned multiple times here, I am lazy as heck and enjoy being a couch potato but that doesn't get me really far in life and I want to make a change, feel a sense of fulfilment and grow as a person. I make a tragedy out of my life to others and to myself when it is not really the case. It could have been much, much worse. If only there was a quick and effective way to change my thinking patterns to hardly recognize my old self. Plus my parents aren't really helping with all their nagging and blaming me for their unhappiness, it just makes me want to rebel against them. :|


Every time someone positions themselves as the ones with the answers to questions, they take on the role of mother or father. That ain't me. If you want to whine to your parents, go right ahead. Shit half this forum is nothing but unconscious people playing the mommy and daddy role because they're too stupid to save themselves let alone realize they're lost in the middle of an ocean in a boat that's taking on water, and fast too. I don't want you to fall into the somnambulistic mess the people around you are programming you into, but you have to take control. Drive the damn bus. Be a rock. Find your swagger. Don't let people intimidate you and don't expect people to dream for you. You get to do that. Take your damn will back and then see what happens to the despair crap.
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby Clouded » Wed May 14, 2014 10:11 am

Well I'm pleasantly surprised that no one came here to defend themselves for what you said in your last paragraph :P I don't think I will ever know for sure; whatever answer it is, it will come from my mind, not myself, so I guess every answer is BS. A huge part of me wants to get up and do something because I feel ashamed for not going to school/work at my age and it is something that I try to hide from strangers and do not look forward to be asked about. I don't mind if I never achieve my dreams (I live more in my mind anyway and my imagination is free) but I mind living with this toxic emotion in my awareness.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby tomtom1 » Wed May 14, 2014 1:34 pm

Keymaster is right. People will try and take the roll of telling you what to do and giving advice on here. But then again you are asking for it in your posts :D :D :D Of course nobody else's answers can really help other than pointing you to your own solution. The question is are you really seeking answers? Or are you just seeking approval and sympathy from others?

From this and your other posts sounds to me like you are stuck in a classic rut and need a good jolt to get out of it! If it helps you any to know that its really not unusual at your age... do you think everyone else has it together? Early to mid-twenties is a difficult time.. or at least I have found it so and have observed the same in many of my friends. It's a time when you start to come to terms with the fact that you are an adult and start to break away from the influence and constant support of your parents.

You have a lot of regrets about the past.. what could have been or what should have been and feeling sorry for yourself. I should have a house and a job blah blah blah. Just remember one very important thing; The story is not over yet!!! Never regret the past because it shapes who you are in the future. Right now it seems shit and you feel like a lazy cow sitting on the sofa or playing video games. So what.. one of these days you will build up enough momentum to get up get out there and get what you want. It will happen when it happens and nothing will be able to stop it. Its kind of like a damn breaking. If you feel guilty about your past ask yourself the simple question; Can I really know this was bad for me? Your education might be just what you need in a few years time.. this difficult stage you are going through now might be just the thing you need in the future to be able to gain an understanding about somebody else or another situation you are facing. You just never know.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Face your addictions to sympathy and approval. Its just a mechanism of your mind nothing more. :D
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby the key master » Wed May 14, 2014 1:39 pm

Clouded wrote:Well I'm pleasantly surprised that no one came here to defend themselves for what you said in your last paragraph :P


I said half :mrgreen:

I don't think I will ever know for sure; whatever answer it is, it will come from my mind, not myself, so I guess every answer is BS.


I would say you've been listening to one too many consciousness videos. Your mind is saying that the answer will come from your mind and not from myself while it's your mind that's asking the question and imagining it's not itself(split). There isn't more to your thoughts than the mind thingy and no mind merges into some invisible consciousness only to observe itself whilst the body lives out the rest of its days. What you see being peddled in the spiritual community is the fantasy of what enlightenment could be and the delusion that people are living that fantasy, then projecting their unconscious delusional mind state through teaching other people to be deluded like they are. People are really fuckin stupid.

A huge part of me wants to get up and do something because I feel ashamed for not going to school/work at my age and it is something that I try to hide from strangers and do not look forward to be asked about.


I always greet people with a smile to give them shared energy to latch onto. Walk around with a smile on your face and the best dream in your pocket and you aren't going to have to worry about a damn thing.

I don't mind if I never achieve my dreams (I live more in my mind anyway and my imagination is free) but I mind living with this toxic emotion in my awareness.


Maybe you still have more nightmares to face. Regardless, the best dream is the one shared. I don't know what your dreams of future are or where your visions are guiding you. You just need the best plan, and the way you come up with the best plan is by defending your interests and forward momentum from 6 different angles. Sometimes the universe takes on the role of destroying self serving and aggrandizing dreams because these dreams aren't the best, but it's really nothing more than an alignment. Perpetuating motion alone can be hard, like pushing snow up a mountain. Once you get out to 2 you have shared energy which opens you up to more distant loops not to mention the ability to cascade energy. I've written my dream so many different ways the ego police can't bother me anymore.
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby Clouded » Sun May 18, 2014 5:56 am

Yesterday two of my good highschool friends coincidently sat next to me when I was eating alone at a mall cafeteria (I recognized their voices and instead of hiding my face from them, I got off my seat and went to talk to them) and although they're both beginning their Master's degree, they're still unsure if that career path is what they really want for themselves; they're not very passionate about what they do (they both told me they didn't like some of their courses and changed majors) but regardless of what they do, they must move forward and find their place in this world. I was glad that not even my old friends haven't figured out what to do (not out of spite) but because I felt less left out and less disappointed at myself for not having any certainty of what I shall do with the rest of my life. I don't like my 20s, I hope it gets easier in your 30s.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby EnterZenFromThere » Sun May 18, 2014 9:12 am

I can empathise with you clouded. I used to worry every day about what I was going to do with my life. What people would think about me because of the career I chose. How I matched up to others. I'm in my 20s now and have decided to change career paths. What to, I have no idea. My current contract runs out in September. Rather than panic and try to find a solution with my mind (which will lead to stress and depression) I'm surrendering to life. Life is an organising intelligence far greater than my individual mind. By practicing surrendering to it, I have seen my individual life become effortless with situations resolving without 'me' having to sort them out. It's not easy to let go. All my conditioned responses from my past tried to stop it. But each time I let go I feel those conditioned responses dissolve like a contracted fist opening into a flat palm. With each opening new avenues appear in my life because I'm no longer held back by the fears and desires that had been limiting me from being who I wanted to be. I have rough ideas of what I might like to do with my life, but I am ready to let go of any of them at a moments notice and follow whatever path life has for me. If it gets rocky for a while, that's ok, anything I experience as 'bad' is just another opportunity to cleanse my mind of conditioning that is holding me back. With this attitude going forward is the most mysterious, exciting and beautiful thing I can imagine. I used to suffer from anxiety and depression and wouldn't have dreamt of having this attitude. Continued surrender is an incredibly powerful transformative tool! It takes openness, bravery and honesty and the road is not easy, but the rewards have certainly been worth it for me. No agenda!

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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby the key master » Sun May 18, 2014 6:36 pm

Clouded wrote:Yesterday two of my good highschool friends coincidently sat next to me when I was eating alone at a mall cafeteria (I recognized their voices and instead of hiding my face from them, I got off my seat and went to talk to them) and although they're both beginning their Master's degree, they're still unsure if that career path is what they really want for themselves; they're not very passionate about what they do (they both told me they didn't like some of their courses and changed majors) but regardless of what they do, they must move forward and find their place in this world. I was glad that not even my old friends haven't figured out what to do (not out of spite) but because I felt less left out and less disappointed at myself for not having any certainty of what I shall do with the rest of my life. I don't like my 20s, I hope it gets easier in your 30s.


I have friends in their 30's whose heads are jammed so far up their own asses at this point they're praying for a life preserver. This result happened because they wrote their dream in a straight line or only one way, making vision limited and life mundane, even if an experiential loop with more potential hides just around the corner.

I like what you wrote about moving forward and finding your place in this world. It's as much about finding that place as that place finding you. If you aren't adding value to life you're going to experience degradation. What you consider added value is already embedded into your thought processes. The key is learning how to not only take from the added value but give it back, like a game of universal leap frog. (stay in motion)

As I often blabber about, the best dream is the one shared. The best dream also always wins. That's like a 1-2 strangle hold that only God can teach you how to most effectively utilize. The things I've accomplished with the use of predatory energy is astounding. I've done shit that would blow NASA out of the water. Those morons still think 1 + 1 =2. If before you we have your mom and dad and later on in time and energy we have you, there's 3 all together. 1 + 1 is fuckin 3. If 2 + 2 = 4 and 2 x 2=4, and 4x2=8 while 4+4 = 8, and 1x1 =1, what's 1 + 1? It's 1. This is the most basic shit and people are too stupid to look.

In computer programming a migration is where you take your hardware, move it, and plug it in somewhere else. If you're plugged into a nightmare, you gotta unplug. If you stay plugged in the same loops, run around and tell people about how shitty your loops are, all while knowing that you can plug into different loops by simply migrating, well, no one's actually that stupid.

The stuff I've been working on is a real treat, added value for every man woman and child. We're gonna have a Facebook page soon for SONA the society of Nomadic Americans. Jesus was a nomad you know. So was Buddha. Anyway it seems like you're from a different country but the JrG or Junior Guardian program is going to be tied into a corporation. We're on a public forum so I don't wanna say too much, but maybe you can add your 20 cents to that march of dimes and benefit from the weight of the path already laid out. The corporate umbrella is that big.

Ok gotta go.
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Re: My obsessive/addictive personality is ruining me

Postby Clouded » Mon May 19, 2014 3:14 am

Do you have any tips on how to not let feelings of discouragement consume you? I tend to give up too easily and now that I feel that I'm at the bottom of the career pyramid, I am very unmotivated to work my way up. When I was at uni and consistently received bad grades, my choice would be to cry, cuss, panic and throw temper tantrums and that depleted me of the energy I needed to study to improve my grades. I no longer have the motivation to succeed and surpass my capabilities, I feel like I screwed-up my future even though that's not necessarily true. After what I have experienced in the past years, I don't think I will ever try to be the best I can be, I will always slack from now on. I learned to accept failure, but I have also become accustomed with failure; it's less stressful to expect failing than to fear failing because you are used to succeeding. Of course, I cannot just stand there and be given a well-paying job which I will enjoy doing, I need to get off my butt to search for it and work for it because it requires a degree.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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