Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Clouded » Fri Jun 06, 2014 3:00 am

About an hour ago, my dad drove me to Subway so I could grab a sandwich to eat and I unknowingly left my iphone on the counter there. 5 minutes later, when we came home, I remembered about my cell and I started to panic because I lost it and I knew that I was in for my dad's angry, out of control outbursts if I told him about forgetting my phone, but I had to get there are quick as possible. On our way back there, he exploded in the car, he started calling me an imbecile, a piece of shit, accusing me of taking everything I am given for granted, words that I have heard plenty of times before and that I had became accustomed to. I told him that I don't care about what he thinks of me anymore, that I am not letting his words have power over me, that I am not perfect, that I am not the first nor the last to lose valuable things, that it happens to most of us. Then he went on about me losing my phone for the third time (in 6 years???!) and that I am a HUGE imperfection, that everything about me is a mistake and proceeded with more degrading name calling. When we arrived there, sure enough, the kind lady working there saw me and knew instantly that I came back for my phone and I thanked her for keeping it safe for me. When I came back, my dad was still pissed off at me for forgetting my cell in the first place even though I had it with me now so everything could have been put in the past but noooooo he just had to drag his anger towards me on with the same intensity as when I first told him I had lost it. I told him that he's exaggerating, that I didn't kill anybody, that it's over and I found it so no need to be so angry at me anymore. I told him that if he blames me for ruining his life (I don't know how losing my cellphone and then quickly finding it contributes to ruining his life) then why doesn't he kill me to end his torment, and then he looked at me with a smile and told me that he doesn't need to, that I am in the process of killing myself (WTF??!!) and told me that my stupidity bothers him a lot and that it takes people like him to point out idiots like me. What a terrible father figure my dad is and was, there are occasions like this that I wish that God would punish him for being such a fucking asshole to me. He doesn't deserve to have me as his daughter, he doesn't deserve a family PERIOD, he really sucks at being a loving, affectionate and accepting parent, we rarely spend one-on-one time together as it is (he chooses the computer over me), but when we do, half of the time is unpleasant like this. He acts like whatever he says is the truth and if you dare speak your mind and contradict him then you're in big trouble so you better just shut up and/or agree with him so I agreed that I am an imbecile and that he knows what he is talking about because he is a more supreme being. It's just painful to hear the person who is responsible for half of your DNA and thus your existence say such awful things to you and be SO UNCONSCIOUS like his head is so far up his ass and I am here because of him. At least God loves me (or so I've been told) and I consider God to be more of a parent than either of my biological parents. I'm no longer listening to what this schmuck of a person has to say about me or the world in general, I don't fucking care about his age and his fucking degree, his words are full of hate and anger, he needs more help than I do but of course he's too proud and perfect to receive such help.

Sorry, I needed to vent (if I said that out loud at home, I would get a beating). I'm just sad that God has given me this person for a dad.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Yidaki » Fri Jun 06, 2014 8:22 am

Clouded,

It is an unfortunate situation to be in, but the only action to take is no action unless the situation becomes violent, which in that case you would walk away.

Taking no action means watching the situation, being the observer, being peaceful and NOT reacting. By not reacting, your stillness, presence and peace quickly quells the situation and in the process, begins to dissolve your fathers ego. Do not want him to change because that is useless. Instead you be the beacon of peace that you would like your father to be. Eventually your bright, shinning peaceful light will filter through him and make him seek forgiveness and peace himself.

Realise that it is just unconsciousness and nothing more. It isn't who your father is deep down. We are all beings, part of the One life that dances through the many forms on this Earth.

As Jesus said, "Forgive them, for they not know what they do". This is the approach you take. Forgive. Be Still. Be at peace. Then true transformation takes place.

Peace and blessings,
Yidaki
"Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed." ~ Eckhart Tolle
User avatar
Yidaki
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Apr 03, 2014 1:53 pm
Location: Southern Hemisphere

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Onceler » Fri Jun 06, 2014 11:27 am

Sorry this happened to you, Clouded.....it sucks. Sending you good energy..... I hope you figure it out.

J
Be present, be pleasant.
User avatar
Onceler
 
Posts: 2204
Joined: Sun Nov 11, 2007 1:35 am
Location: My house

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Phil2 » Fri Jun 06, 2014 11:47 am

Clouded wrote:
Sorry, I needed to vent (if I said that out loud at home, I would get a beating). I'm just sad that God has given me this person for a dad.


Hi Clouded,

Well I'm sorry that you developped such a state of mind against your parents ... don't forget that they act out of unconsciousness and conditioning ... as Eckhart Tolle expressed often ... so there is not even anything to forgive, because they don't know what they do ...

Now about you statement "I'm just sad that God has given me this person for a dad.", I don't know why but it makes me think to some Tibetan Buddhists belief that when the baby is not yet born into this world, he looks to choose some parents that would best contribute to his own evolution, and also to help those persons to be better persons and give them love ... it is a nice idea to think that you did choose your parents to help them, and not the other way round ... why not try this ? ... it would radically change the way you look at all this ...

Maybe ...

??
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
Phil2
 
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Clouded » Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:20 am

Thanks everyone for replying. I wrote this in the spur of the moment, right after the Subway incident happened, I had to let go of steam somewhere, I can't just deny or ignore my anger, it had to be felt.

I did not react with hostility to my father's insults directly to his face, I was very aloof towards him and asked him some of my ''philosophical questions'' as he calls them, and the best answer he gave me is that there are things that I do that bother his mind and I told him that I am not responsible for his feelings because I can't telepathically send brain waves to his brain and signal his mind to be mad at me but he doesn't agree with me and still blames my actions for his anger. Also if I don't reply to my dad or change the subject, it will only make things worse because then he will think that I am taking him for a fool and become even more aggressive towards me, so I have to interact with him in one way of another, I have no choice because I don't want to risk my safety. Today, he gave me the silent treatment all day which was a very mature thing for a 55 year old engineer to do (insert sarcasm). He always uses his age and his university degree against me to showcase his superiority and to prove that he is right and that I am wrong. I'm glad that I don't care anymore about my dad's opinion about me or anything for that matter, I feel a great sense of freedom for not giving a shit about what he has to say, I just let him believe whatever the heck he wants to believe because my self worth no longer depends on what this deranged individual thinks of me. I don't want to help my dad become a better person because he refuses help, he thinks he is perfect, I'm no psychologist but he portrays many of the characteristics of a narcissistic personality disorder. I don't even care about helping him, I am no saint, I'm just gonna let him suffer in his own ignorance, I'm just dealing with my own personal issues most of which exist because of how he raised me, I don't have time to solve his'. Every man for himself.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Phil2 » Sat Jun 07, 2014 9:19 am

Clouded wrote: I'm just dealing with my own personal issues most of which exist because of how he raised me


Not a good idea to be a 'victim' ... better take your own responsibility for your life ... and do the best you can in every situation (remember the 4th agreement ?) ... be the Artist of your own life ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
Phil2
 
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Clouded » Sat Jun 07, 2014 9:28 am

Not a good idea to be a 'victim' ... better take your own responsibility for your life ... and do the best you can in every situation (remember the 4th agreement ?) ... be the Artist of your own life ...


Well now at 22, I finally am but when I was a kid, I didn't know any better, I thought that I deserved to be treated that way and that there was something wrong with ME for disappointing my parents. When you're little, you believe everything your parents say to you, you don't know any better. I was supposed to ''rebel'' a long time ago like most teenagers do but I never did because I was so afraid of my dad's disapproval since his opinion meant the world to me; if he didn't see value in me then that meant that I was really worth nothing.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Phil2 » Sat Jun 07, 2014 10:21 am

Clouded wrote:
Not a good idea to be a 'victim' ... better take your own responsibility for your life ... and do the best you can in every situation (remember the 4th agreement ?) ... be the Artist of your own life ...


Well now at 22, I finally am but when I was a kid, I didn't know any better, I thought that I deserved to be treated that way and that there was something wrong with ME for disappointing my parents. When you're little, you believe everything your parents say to you, you don't know any better. I was supposed to ''rebel'' a long time ago like most teenagers do but I never did because I was so afraid of my dad's disapproval since his opinion meant the world to me; if he didn't see value in me then that meant that I was really worth nothing.


Yes Don Miguel Ruiz explains quite well how parents can harm so badly their children when not using impeccable words (remember the story of this little girl who was singing joyfully when her loving mother told her that her voice was so ugly, the little girl never dared to sing again) ... so, forgive them 'cause they don't know what they do ...

But also remember that we are under the influence of others because we did 'buy' it ... we did agree ... and we can change those agreements ... and free ourselves from other's opinions ...

This at least, we can do.

:)
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
Phil2
 
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sun Jun 08, 2014 5:20 am

Thought I'd drop this little story in here for you clouded ...


http://www.sapphyr.net/largegems/littlesoul-thesun.htm

"Always remember: I have sent you nothing but angels."
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
User avatar
smiileyjen101
 
Posts: 3688
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2010 3:44 am

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby dijmart » Sun Jun 08, 2014 6:04 am

((Hugs))

Seeing his behavior as unconsciousness is a conscious way of looking at it, so in that sense, he is acting out his own insecurities/fears and projecting them upon you. When relating to the world unconsciously there is no choice, unconsciousness breeds unconsciousness if there is no "gap" for the person to see their behavior as insane. They will walk away from the interaction thinking they are right and had every reason to behave like they did.

You have to focus on yourself in a conscious manner, like you are trying to do. You are too close to the situation to be of any help for him. Becoming present and conscious of your own behavior, thoughts, emotions, ect. is enough. It hurt, was painful, not nice and very unfortunate for a father to do to their daughter, but remember he's not conscious of this, so no need for you to internalize it. To internalize it means you have given away your strength by agreeing with his statements.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
User avatar
dijmart
 
Posts: 2085
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:35 pm

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Clouded » Sun Jun 08, 2014 7:29 am

It just hurts to see him so unconscious and react like a broken record because he's done this show plenty of times before that his angry outbursts are no shock to me. If it was a stranger, a neighbour or even a friend, it wouldn't affect me as much but I've known him all my life and I care about him (if something terrible happened to him, I would most likely cry and my world would be turned upside down) but I also feel resentment towards him because I know that he can change if he wants to (I consider myself as living proof that you can change your perspective) but he doesn't want to give change a chance. I let him know that I agree with him because that usually leaves him speechless until he thinks of another awful thing to say about me. But in my mind, I don't actually agree with him, his words are just an unpleasant noise to me, they don't mean anything and I know that he doesn't really mean them either, he's just caught up in his ego. It still hurts to see him act like that and I do cry because I don't want my own dad to believe awful things about me, I want him to see me in a positive way.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby dijmart » Sun Jun 08, 2014 3:27 pm

We all have/know of others that are completely identified with the voice in their head and are completely unconscious. Some try to hurt others and some hurt themselves. The point is that many/most will stay that way, unless they spontaneously awaken or come across a spiritual teacher/teachings that urges them to awaken. So, the fact that this is your father we are speaking of and you love him, doesn't mean awakening will happen for him, because you want it to. I gave the 3 other people in my household "PON" and not one of them read it, which is fine, it's not their time.

Setting limits/boundaries with someone is another story though, it is perfectly fine to let someone know that their behavior is not acceptable, even if they are in a position of power. No argument is necessary, just say "um, I think what you are currently saying is, well, abusive in nature and if you are going to continue talking in this way I can and will tune you out."
Take what you like and leave the rest.
User avatar
dijmart
 
Posts: 2085
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:35 pm

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby viking55803 » Mon Jun 09, 2014 4:32 pm

Like it or not, most of us are born into an "intimate" relationship with our parents. Their expectations, our expectations, their "pain bodies" and ours are blended in a kind of stew that cannot be separated into its constituent parts. Intimate relationships (parents, siblings, spouses) of any kind are probably the greatest challenge to our spiritual practice. As a young father, for example, I used to marvel at how my 6 year old daughter could make me so angry. Fortunately, I was usually aware enough of the absurdity of that to avoid the expression of my own paid body in response.

My wife of 33 years has a very large and and active pain body. Remember, pain body is the accumulated mental and emotional pain that exists in all of us and behaves almost like an independent entity. I think the psychological "complexes" Carl Jung talked about are part of that pain body. The thing is, most of us have so many "complexes" it makes sense to lump them together and call them a pain body.

In my case, when I trigger my spouse's pain body (history of child sexual abuse, depression, neglect, physical abuse etc.) it will completely "posses" her. She attacks (verbally) and that, in turn, triggers my own pain body. Then the dance of the pain bodies begins. Fortunately, as a Swede I seem naturally resistant to being taken over by any emotion and as soon as I realize that her pain body's expression has nothing to do with the actual situation that triggered it, or with me or "how I am" I can simply remain silent and let her pain body exhaust itself.

Still, I DO have a pain body of my own and it will react, at least initially, to the assault on my ego. Over the years, my wife and I have worked on this a great deal and she has begun listening to Eckhart Tolle who has given us a better language to talk about what is going on. The pain body wants to take us into drama - arguing over why I did what I did or said what I said or why she did thus and so etc. etc. ad nauseum.

One of my usual reactions, however, has been emotional withdrawal - which is really another form of unconsciousness. Her attacks cause me pain (my pain body reacting) and that is what is happening in the Now. However, I do not have to identify with my pain. The best solution for me is this: to simply be the "space" that accepts her pain body, recognizing both that this is what is happening Now and that I am feeling my own pain. What is interesting when you create this space of awareness is that the reaction is not anger or helplessness, but compassion. I can see her pain without confusing it with my own.

Here is an ET video that might help explain this better than I can:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcYrm7h86Rk&index=6&list=FL1IKHwl_7vIlHZs4xe-TX5w
User avatar
viking55803
 
Posts: 77
Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2014 7:38 pm
Location: Duluth, Minnesota

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby far_eastofwest » Tue Jun 10, 2014 10:54 pm

Interesting, a couple of things,
saying 'nothing', being calm/still with a very aggressive person can be seen by them as an act of hostility against them. If the person is also tending towards physical abuse or has hit out in the past this may well be something that tips them over the edge to physically hitting out if their rage doesn't appear to be affecting their target. They want a reaction and if they don't get one things may well escalate.
This is especially the case if the person who does the 'sits quiet' thing is in a lower position of power in the dynamic.
We can't change others, sometimes the way we deal with others can lessen the severity of interactions. Its difficult to set boundaries when you are in a relationship where you are dependent on others for food, warmth etc but some can be tried.

I would as, rather than what caused the outburst
What maintained it? Is there anything that you contributed to it?
Is there anything that could be addressed afterwards?

About an hour ago, my dad drove me to Subway so I could grab a sandwich to eat and I unknowingly left my iphone on the counter there. 5 minutes later, when we came home, I remembered about my cell and I STARTED TO PANIC because I lost it and I knew that I was in for my dad's angry, out of control outbursts if I told him about forgetting my phone, but I had to get there are quick as possible. On our way back there, he exploded in the car, he started calling me an imbecile, a piece of shit, accusing me of taking everything I am given for granted, words that I have heard plenty of times before and that I had became accustomed to. I told him that I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS of me anymore, that I am not letting his words have power over me, that I am not perfect, that I am not the first nor the last to lose valuable things, that it happens to most of us. Then he went on about me losing my phone for the third time (in 6 years???!) and that I am a HUGE imperfection, that everything about me is a mistake and proceeded with more degrading name calling. When we arrived there, sure enough, the kind lady working there saw me and knew instantly that I came back for my phone and I thanked her for keeping it safe for me. When I came back, my dad was still pissed off at me for forgetting my cell in the first place even though I had it with me now so everything could have been put in the past but noooooo he just had to drag his anger towards me on with the same intensity as when I first told him I had lost it. I TOLD HIM HE IS EXAGERATING, that I didn't kill anybody, that it's over and I found it so NO NEED TO BE SO ANGRY AT ME ANYMORE.
I told him that if he blames me for ruining his life (I don't know how losing my cellphone and then quickly finding it contributes to ruining his life) then WHY DOESN'T HE KILL ME to end his torment, and then he looked at me with a smile and told me that he doesn't need to, that I am in the process of killing myself (WTF??!!) and told me that my stupidity bothers him a lot and that it takes people like him to point out idiots like me.


Above is your description of the interaction (and wow, terrible to be on the receiving end of that) and I've capitalised a couple of things that you said (can't do anything about your dads motor mouth).
Firstly, you 'started to panic' before even asking him, he sounds like a person who would see distress/panic as annoying and irritating to him as he does not know how to deal with emotions in himself and totally helpless dealing with family members. So at this point if you could do the 'self calming' and not panic may be helpful. Like in Hitchhikers Guide... Don't Panic.

Don't care what he thinks..... If you could flip that (mind you I don't think I could, i'd be so upset I'd probably hit slap his smart face, but thats not going to help).... and say "I do care what you think, I appreciate that you drove me to Subway and provide me with a decent phone, its not carelessness for property that had me leave it there, fact is I need a decent handbag to carry it it".
You told him he is exagerating (minimizing his concerns) this could be flipped to "i can see why you feel upset" (don't ad that is why you act like a gorilla, lol) "you work hard to buy me things and you feel its not appreciated when I lose things".

Telling him 'No need to be angry anymore'..... that is kinda accepting that it was ok for him to be angry to start with, its also giving him instructions on how he should feel and he doesn't seem the type of person that likes to be told anything, let alone how he should feel.

Why doesn't he kill you? Obviously at this point you are getting really upset and taking on his dramatic stuff and he is an EXPERT and you don't have the skills to win with Mr Always Right (and really, who wants to learn them anyway) so that has just set him up onto his "i have smarter and nastier answers".

Maybe at a quiet time you could express how the rages are upsetting, how you DO appreciate he buys you things and supports the family financially. Perhaps point out you do care for him and that its hard for you as you are dependent on him that you can't set proper boundaries, but this will change, and one day he will be old and as the only child will be relying on you to pick his nursing home and treat him with kindness and be dependent on YOU for his wellbeing.

Also, when you approach him with something like, forgetting an iphone, it would help to have a script already.... one that addresses his concerns, like "Dad, I feel terrible, I left the iphone at the cafe and its upsetting me as I know how hard you work to buy this stuff for me". Thats his ego identity, how hard he works to provide. This is his hook. Say you feel terrible that you left it and you can understand he would be upset with you for this and you (the fact that he doesn't actually get 'upset' but is outraged and goes off his head, well, just gloss over that, and he may feel the need to scream his head off less to get you to feel 'terrible' as you are already showing you are contrite and sorry).

This guys whole identity as a father/husband is as a Provider of Money and Things so try and hook into this and mention often how great it is when you sit on the nice couch or get something given to you. You don't have to mention that he is an emotional cripple and you have to read daily on 'self help' to deal with him.
Abusive parents forget when they are mean to their kids..... Who picks out their nursing home. Ever wonder why the 1 star rating homes have lots of people in them?

This isn't a criticism of you at all.... you did pretty good really, just some points where the Subway Incident could have calmed down or something you can do AFTER or BEFORE to maybe lessen the next eruption. You can't reason with a person that is raging, their body is in arousal state, cortisol and adrenalin swishing around in big doses, so trying to reason is pointless. Being reasonable in fact will often make them madder or maintain their self rightousness.

Good luck and have faith that life will not always be like this.
You can't do much to change the situation, maybe nothing, but you can try a few things from your side and see what eventuates.
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....
User avatar
far_eastofwest
 
Posts: 235
Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:53 pm

Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Postby Manyana » Wed Jun 11, 2014 4:46 am

viking55803 wrote:Still, I DO have a pain body of my own and it will react, at least initially, to the assault on my ego. Over the years, my wife and I have worked on this a great deal and she has begun listening to Eckhart Tolle who has given us a better language to talk about what is going on. The pain body wants to take us into drama - arguing over why I did what I did or said what I said or why she did thus and so etc. etc. ad nauseum.


I think this is a really important point of how useful it is for a couple to be able to share this language. If you can get hold of an Eckhart audio called Living the liberated life and dealing with the pain body, he talks at length about how couples can help each other with their pain bodies.
Manyana
 
Posts: 124
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2014 12:38 am

Next

Return to Personal Experiences

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests