Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

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Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Post by smiileyjen101 » Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:16 pm

Andrew, discerning what is real, and what is not - and not entertaining all the tricks of ego - making enemy, obstacle, means to an end of things, is number one in living a peaceful life.

So if your father is really beating up on your brother who is defenseless (if he is defenseless) absolutely you would do what you can in that moment - without making an enemy in your mind of your father - it's your father's actions in this moment that you are responding to, limiting if necessary, ignoring if possible and safe to do so - not your father the person but his actions - do you see / feel the difference?

Number two, figuring out who can best do what - who is most able to respond in a situation - this takes into account 'responsibility' for that which is real - your father is responsible for his actions, not you, not your mother, not your brother, not anyone or thing in his past. If your brother is attacked and is unable to defend himself and you are capable of defending him, then to a degree... not wholly, but to a degree you would be able to respond. This is no time to lose your presence, or your love though. Right action still and always comes with love, not with fear and not with hatred. If you've read the Peaceful Warrior, you know this.

You know Newton's Laws so you may have a basic understanding of how martial arts work with energy in terms of loving, respectful self and other defense - not attack, or in preparation for attack, but genuine defense - particularly tae kwon do and Aikido - using the energy that already is in motion wisely - diverting or blocking offensive movements and turning them into 'no or little harm' effects and positioning the body to 'meet' energy in motion in a way that allows and creates the least harm to both parties.

It's not for your mind to think about when it isn't happening, it's for your awareness to respond to if and when it happens.

Albeit learning a martial art, also helps to still the mind, increase self discipline, self and other respect and confidence as well as giving the mind and body a positive experience of where our bodies end and another's starts. We fear less when we know our body and mind can respond in a way that we are comfortable with in any situation.

Worrying about if something will happen that is not happening now, is not helpful. Making up bigger and bigger 'enemy' stories about anything in our minds when it is not happening right now, is not helpful.
Honesty is the highest form of love.

Sometimes it is enough to stand in front of a bully and say "No, this is not going to happen.' Other times you do have to apply energy, applying it wisely can be done, can be learned, can be actioned while still being mindful.

So now honestly tell me, did you say this
And how can I help my little brother not to suffer? :(
to increase the 'drama' and the 'poor me' perspective and elicit support for making your father the 'enemy', or is it real - here now real?

Because I just think, if it was real, you would already know the answer because you already would have responded.
We only worry about that which is not real now - that which may have been at one time, or may be in some future time, but if something is happening now, we respond - wisely or blindly - we do respond.
Newton's law says so, doesn't it?
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

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Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Post by bluecover » Fri Jul 04, 2014 2:59 pm

It has been hard for me to go through this phase when i was at his age, I would feel frustrated all the time because I used to feel powerless, I felt contained in a cage, afraid of getting out of it, scared that I would get bullied again and again. I just want to help him come out of the cage and have no fear, show him what's real and what's not, but he's just a kid, so I guess he has to suffer a lot first before being able to understand this ego/mind things?

Answering your question, I've always seen my father as enemy. Since as I was a kid. It's hard to get rid of that image, but I'm definitely working on it. Living with people with huge painbody and an huge past can be a real challenge. I myself had/(still have?) huge pain body, but I try my best to maintain present at all times. Although, what I said in the previous post was genuine worry about my brother. I don't want him to go through what I did. I feel huge empathy towards him. It's also true that if I didn't went through what I did I wouldn't be here in this forum and probably wouldn't know about Eckhart Tolle.

Yesterday one more day pasted by. One more dinner where neither me or my brother can talk, because my father will "take measures" for not being able to hear the television or simply because our voices disturb him (even when TV his on, he rarely pays attention to it) because someone was talking. (Oh yeah, talk during lunch/dinner time, sh*t hits the fan, like always).

Whenever I ask my brother question like "how was your day?" or "what did you do?" and he doesn't even look at me because he's afraid of my fathers reactions. So we wait till dinner's over, we go to another place and talk.

I've been in his place when I was his age and I feel what he is going though, but I want to help my brother realize what I did, so he doesn't much.

I understand, defense but not harm. I would never be capable of harming anyone, and I never did even entered a fight. I'm calm and it doesn't matter how pissed of I am, I'm unable to turn it into a physical attack, It just doesn't make sense to me to hurt someone physically for something that they did. Although, of course that in a life-threatening situation I would probably take the right "measures" and defend myself or others, so that self-defense advice is great. I do need mental and physical discipline.

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Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Post by dijmart » Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:08 pm

bluecover wrote:And how can I help my little brother not to suffer? :(

I do accept most of my father extreme behaviors, and I don't really respond to his provocations, but what happens when it's my little brother turn to get "assaulted"?
He is little so he is very vulnerable to my father extreme reactions. So first question, If my father beats my brother up because he broke a cup of glass accidentally (for example), should I get into the middle of the situation and protect my little brother or just accept what is and let him suffer? Talking with my father won't do much. Really, it's useless, his reactions are instantaneous and irreversible.
If we're talking physical assault, then I would intervene or call the police or anonymously call child protective services. Just because you accept the present isness of the moment doesn't mean action can not be taken. Back when my son was about 13 my husband slapped him so hard he fell out of the chair at the dinner table. I intervened and got right in between them, told my son to go in his room and lock the door. Then I told my husband that what he did was totally unacceptable and unnecessary. I then told him to pack a suitcase and go to somewhere. He was reluctant and didn't want to, so I said then we will leave. He decided to go to his parents. I didn't let him come home for about 4 days. He hasn't laid a finger on my son since and he's 21 now. Some things just shouldn't be tolerated in my view.
My brother does get very affected relatively to what my father says to him. He cries and feels frustrated because there is nothing he can do to counter my father's words and he feels very bad about himself because coming from his father figure, it really affects him! , so second question, how can I help him not to feel that way and just understand that that is not the father reacting, but just his unconsciousness?
He will feel what he feels, but you can reassure him that it is your father who is sick, not him. Sick in the sense of unconscious conditioning that is causing him to react the way he does, from fear and not love.
Relatively to these very unconscious father figures - it is as it is- and we just got to accept it eh? Because this is bad not just for the children and wives, but to themselves too, causing suffering to one self and to others at the same time. Even if there is someone in the family that accepts and understands the extreme behaviour, others still suffer.
It depends, I'm all for someone leaving the violent situation, if they can. There are shelters for mothers/children of domestic violence here in the U.S., perhaps he needs a wake up call by coming home from work and his whole family being gone or as I said before, the police showing up at the door or child protect services showing up.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Post by SJD » Thu Jul 24, 2014 6:31 pm

I posted this in your other thread but it might help someone who is reading this one and is going through a similar experience.
SJD wrote:Reading about your parents reminds me of a story I read in Mathiue Ricard's book Happiness.

It was about a monk who arrived in Tibet after spending 25 years in a Chinese labor camp. His torturers had brought him to the brink of deaeth several times and a lot of his friends died from hunger and exhausion and he was forced to build a useless dam. The Dalai Lama talked at length with the monk and was surprised to find that he was so serene and calm after so much suffering. He asked him if he head ever been afraid. The monk answered: "I was often afraid of hating my torturers, for in doing so I would have destroyed myself"

This monk, despite what he had been through, showed no clinical signs of PTSD.

Try to practice loving-kindness meditation towards even your torturers. Realize that they are the subject of their conditioning. Their conditioning is not who they are.

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Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Post by Phil2 » Thu Jul 24, 2014 9:50 pm

Nice story SJD thanks ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

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Re: Dealing with my very unconscious, high temper dad

Post by cobra22 » Mon Dec 29, 2014 1:01 am

Clouded wrote: I told him that if he blames me for ruining his life (I don't know how losing my cellphone and then quickly finding it contributes to ruining his life) then why doesn't he kill me to end his torment, and then he looked at me with a smile and told me that he doesn't need to, that I am in the process of killing myself (WTF??!!) and told me that my stupidity bothers him a lot and that it takes people like him to point out idiots like me.
Don't joke about having him kill you to end his torment, or order you to turn around and run over the dog and things like that. They are very strange and morbid statements. Your dad is a bit of a nut but he probably knows that he's over reacting, he just doesn't want to admit it. My advice is to react in a way that's considerate towards his feelings and doesn't make him look like an idiot. Tell him that you're sorry and that you will take care that it won't happen again. If he keeps being angry just repeat it like you're saying it for the first time. Don't argue with him but don't ignore him either.

What you can also try is blowing off his anger as quickly as possible with a stern statement like 'Shut up, I did the right thing' (in regards to stopping for the dog) or 'I'm sorry okay!? How many times do I have to say it!'

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