Being the presence around my partner's pain body

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Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby Mariposa » Mon Jun 30, 2014 12:10 am

Hi Everyone,

I've posted about my partner before, he's been dealing with severe depression lately and it's been hard for me to be around it, but what I'm finding most difficult to cope with is his temper. He has been getting very angry quite often. Here's an example from yesterday, here is the context first. I have allergies, and I've been taking pills for it but I don't want to take them that often, so last night I was experiencing some itchy symptoms that make me make this loud noise with my throat, I know it's annoying to hear, but the magnitude of my partner's reaction was out of context really: he grabbed a chair, lifted it in the air and threatened to hit me with it. It scared me for a moment, to the point that I used my arms to protect myself, but at the same time I knew it was only a threat, he uses violent threats to manipulate me because he feels very powerless. It made me mad that he behaves this way, and I sent him an e-mail to tell him about his anger issues. I try to stay quiet because I know how easily his pain body gets triggered, but I do want to make it clear to him that I am not going to be manipulated by this kind of behavior and I will be respected. It is not that hard for me to stay calm when I can clearly see that it's his pain body acting up and it's simply ridiculous! Sometimes even laughable. But the verbal abuse is not that funny. When the pain body is asleep he can be so so sweet, very kind, and I know he loves me. I really wish he would wake up, but I have no idea how to bring this about in him, he is completely taken by the pain body, whether it's in the form of depression and suicidal thoughts or anger and violence. Sometimes I consider leaving him, but I keep holding on to the hope of him getting better, then I wonder if I am doing myself any favors by staying with this person?

Does anybody have any advice regarding the verbal violence, is it best to stay quiet? I don't want to trigger more violence in him, or myself for that matter, but I need to make sure I am not being abused either. He is in treatment, seeing a psychologist, but he doesn't see the need to address any of the issues we have between us. I have asked him before to talk to her about them, but he is very certain that he's right and I'm wrong, he believes violence is always justified because of what I did or said to him. His father was always like this to his mother, so I know for a fact he has learned this way of communication, even when he hates his dad for it, I can see he is following the same pattern, which also makes me to wonder if I wouldn't be better off ending the relationship instead of fooling myself?

Just to clarify, he hasn't been physically violent with me, but I still use the word violence because he yells, calls me stupid everyday, he gets very angry, and shuts down instead of communicating openly. He also accuses me of doing things to him on purpose, when I would never want to deliberately trigger him. He is simply very smart, very quick, and when I ask questions he thinks I am purposely trying to annoy him, when in fact, I am just requesting information.

Thank you so much for reading.
Mariposa
 
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Re: Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby dijmart » Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:07 am

I can see this could get physical very easily. I would say leave him, unless he's willing to do counseling and even with counseling if it's not going well and he comes home and takes things out on you, you still may have to leave. It's one thing to say mean, hurtful things and quite another to lift a chair over someone threatening them, because they're making an irritating noise with their throat. Physical violence in relationships can and does happen, don't wait until it's so bad you are scared to leave. Act now, either go to counseling with him or leave. There's something called the cycle of abuse- (below)

Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:

TENSION BUILDING -

Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move

INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase-

Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase-

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again-

Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change

(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)


Edit: I briefly just read your other post to Clouded. You had an abusive father, so you're somewhat use to this cycle of abuse and may not recognize how abnormal it really is and how people usually don't put up with it or not for long... Be the one who breaks the cycle! If you have children the cycle will go on, if he doesn't change, realize this.
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Re: Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby Mariposa » Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:15 am

Oh, hell no, no way I would have children with this guy, I don't want to have children anyways, so no worries there.

I am a little bit shocked since I didn't think it was that bad, but have I already become an enabler of abuse? My mom stayed 25 years with my dad, but she would always stay quiet so it wouldn't escalate, my dad has never been physical, I have never seen him do anything like lift a chair, I definitely found that unacceptable, but at the same time it felt to me like he was bluffing, you know what I mean? It's just a game he plays (my husband). I am telling you he has never done anything like this before, we've been together for over 3 years. I did recently consider going to this place where they deal with violence against women, but I always thought to myself "Oh, it's only verbal, it's not like he beats me anyways". Now I'm thinking I should go anyways, just to stay safe, to be more informed. Thank you for sharing that info.

You know, I have never "labeled" my father as an abusive one. The incidents I wrote about in the other post were quite rare. There might be more I have to learn about this topic though.

Thanks again for writing.
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Re: Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby dijmart » Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:56 am

Mariposa wrote: I have never seen him do anything like lift a chair, I definitely found that unacceptable, but at the same time it felt to me like he was bluffing, you know what I mean? It's just a game he plays (my husband).


Yeah, the game is manipulation and control, at any cost. Do what's best for you and if he can get his shit together great, if not...well.. he needs more suffering to wake up. He sees a psychiatrist for goodness sakes, he could ask for counseling for his out of control behavior, but he doesn't, that tells you something.
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Re: Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby Mariposa » Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:08 am

Yes, it tells me how blind he is, how unaware of his own behavior. That's why I usually go with him to tell the doctors what he does, because he will only tell them one part of it, not even I know what he will decide to tell them. I must make sure to go with him next time and let them know about happened last night. The thing is his main problem is depression, he wants to kill himself, this is what he is seeking treatment for, not the anger management.

Thank you again for replying.
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Re: Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby Phil2 » Mon Jun 30, 2014 11:07 am

Mariposa wrote:Yes, it tells me how blind he is, how unaware of his own behavior.


As you seem to be repetitively confronted to those kinds of behaviours (father, husband) maybe you could also question what in you could 'attract' those behaviours ? Not to say that you are 'guilty' of something, but maybe there is something in you that does not deal properly with those situations or even allow those to happen ... it could precisely be some kind of 'guilt' or 'fear' that could attract this, maybe something like "I'm not good enough to deserve a better life" ?

It is always good to first look inside oneself when confronted with life challenges ... it is difficult (or even impossible) to change others, but you can change yourself (or at least what you think about yourself) ... not saying it is easy to do, still possible ...

Have you heard about the "Law of Attraction" ?
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
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Re: Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby dijmart » Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:13 am

Phil2 wrote:As you seem to be repetitively confronted to those kinds of behaviours (father, husband) maybe you could also question what in you could 'attract' those behaviours ?


In all fairness, her child life conditions were what they were and she couldn't have attracted that. Being confronted by an angry father as a child, is different from an adult relationship now. However, many children of abusive parents find relationships with other abusive people. It's what I was talking about, regarding the "cycle of abuse" continuing. There has to be a conscious decision to break the cycle and to have a different life situation, because the pain body literally get's use to the drama and cycle of abuse. Most suffers would say "of course I don't want that, who would?", but it's an "unconscious" pattern and an "acceptance" of bad behavior as normal.

But, you can raise your presence power, moment by moment and make decisions in the light of awareness and reverse all of this...
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Re: Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby Phil2 » Tue Jul 01, 2014 10:00 am

dijmart wrote:Most suffers would say "of course I don't want that, who would?", but it's an "unconscious" pattern and an "acceptance" of bad behavior as normal.



Right it is an 'unconscious' pattern ... rationally nobody 'wants' to be abused ... this is why I suggested 'attraction', it is mainly unconscious ...

'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.' - C.G. Jung
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
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Re: Being the presence around my partner's pain body

Postby dijmart » Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:16 pm

Phil2 wrote:
dijmart wrote:Most suffers would say "of course I don't want that, who would?", but it's an "unconscious" pattern and an "acceptance" of bad behavior as normal.



Right it is an 'unconscious' pattern ... rationally nobody 'wants' to be abused ... this is why I suggested 'attraction', it is mainly unconscious ...

'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.' - C.G. Jung


Thanks for the clarification!
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