Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for revenge)

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Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for revenge)

Postby Clouded » Mon Jul 14, 2014 10:15 am

Sorry for posting another personal experience, as much as I'd like to contribute to this forum with words of wisdom like everybody else, I got nothing good to say, at least not as good as the advices that are already given so why should I bother. I'm just here for my much wanted reassurance and attention seeking and something has been bugging me lately...The thoughts that are the most worrisome for me are those that arise out of my anger, they create a snowball effect and my feed to my fear of becoming a psychopath/losing control of myself. Anyways, here's my story: two days ago, one of our neighbours "kids" had a drunk party outside till 3 am with loud music/people and no household complained because the father is the landlord (btw I hate how people have power over other people because of their status) and I was awake that whole time and I once heard glass shatter very close to our house but I was too scared to go outside and look and didn't think too much about it and went to bed. When I finally went outside the next morning because I was curious to see what it was, I found a TON of what seems to be shattered drinking glass on the pavement that leads to our garage and felt a rush of adrenaline. I was furious, furious that they would careless throw objects that could scratch my parents' cars and deflate tires if we didn't pay attention to that huge mess and drove off, I was also furious that they had no respect for other people's property and didn't clean up after themselves and left this mess for us to clean up, and most of all, I was angry at myself for not acting when I should have because if I was brave enough, I could have called the police and these people could have been given a fine for vandalism and playing loud music outside at inappropriate times. I said something to my mom that really bothered me after I said it and it was: "if I had super powers, I would have used it to kill the idiot who did that to us." And I said it in a really calm matter like psychopaths do. I was in an unpleasant state of mind at that time and to calm myself (I felt like I wanted to jump out of my body because those feelings were too much to handle, has anyone ever experienced this?), I decided to go bicycling. It turned out to be a bad idea because a car almost ran into me. The law states that walkers and bicycle riders have a priority to cross the street plus that person had a stop sign but like most car drivers, they were in a hurry and instead of stopping at the stop line, they abruptly stopped like 30 cm next to me and I almost peed myself out of fear because I trusted that they respected the rule but they didn't seem to decelerate and it was too late for me to stop so I kept on pedalling hoping that I could dodge the car and I thought that they would collide into me. Anyways, it was a horrible day to me, filled with hatred and fear and I also wished that the driver would crash their car as a punishment for scaring me like that. I worry that I have some psychopath tendencies. Sorry for everything being jumbled up together, I'm on my cellphone and don't know how to create paragraphs without pressing the space bar 100 times. I can't access my computer anymore, I'm certain that my laptop's hard disk is ruined (I tried setting my computer to factory settings and it would give me an error every time) and my dad doesn't know about it. Can spirituality really change people like me? The only reason why I am interested in this is because I hope to feel peaceful and happy. I just feel like my brain is wired to think negatively; unpleasant thoughts and feelings just come naturally to me and they are much much stronger and more persistent than positive ones. I usually have to make a conscious effort to decide to think happy thoughts and it never lasts long because I forget that I want to be happy. Since I am used to feeling sad and angry, I forget that happiness exists.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby Phil2 » Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:23 am

Clouded,

Do you practice some meditation ? ... it has enormous healing power ... a morning meditation will bring some peace in yourself that will kind of 'protect' you for the day (and maybe avoid you to 'attract' such bad events) ... it's not enough to 'intellectualize' spirituality, practice is needed too ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby Clouded » Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:46 am

The closest thing I do to meditation is yoga. I think that meditation is relaxation without thinking about anything? I don't know why it's so hard for me to stop thinking, especially thinking negative thoughts. When I wake up in the morning, I usually feel the happiest, I feel like my mind is clear and as the day goes by, I feel worse and I go to bed feeling grumpy with a headache. I think I feel the most peaceful when I am asleep.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby Onceler » Mon Jul 14, 2014 12:43 pm

Yoga can be meditative. I do Qi Gong, which is similar. It really puts me into a peaceful, energetic zone that Phil is talking about. Anything can be meditative, but more formal meditation usually requires focused attention on something neutral; the breath, a mantra, counting breathing. Stilling the body and keeping ones eyes closed or focused on one point is also an element. There are obviously endless permutations of this. A good place to start is by counting ones breath exhalations to 10, then starting over again at one. If the mind wanders, and it will, start over with one.

Thoughts slow down and sometimes stop, but in my experience, this is difficult and shouldn't be the initial goal. When I meditate I practice something Adyashanti's calls 'true meditation'. Simply being aware of ones thinking, sensations and the sounds in the environment. This is a formless style that is quite relaxing and can be done without too much effort. When the mind wanders, just bring it back to the breathing, thoughts, sounds.

I have had days like yours and they can be frightening. I wouldn't pay too much attention to thoughts like 'I'm a psychopath' as true psychopaths probably don't worry about that. Don't take your anger as evidence of this. Anger is natural and powerful, but needs to be fed. Shifting attention away from it de-energizes it.....very hard to do without practice, hence the meditation recommendation. I might do something like sweep up the glass, box it, and return it to the neighbors back door with a note saying, just wanted to return the glasses you loaned me last night, or some such. A graceful resolution of ones anger is a powerful response to idiotic action.
Be present, be pleasant.
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby karmarider » Mon Jul 14, 2014 1:45 pm

I use a release technique which is similar to the Sedona Method technique. It's been in my experience very effective in letting go of anger, anxiety, depression and self-hating emotions.
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby kafi » Mon Jul 14, 2014 2:32 pm

Hi Clouded,

I know this anger/revenge problem very well.
What did the trick for me was the first 100 A Course in Miracles (ACIM) lessons ( after having read Gary Renard’s Disappearance of the Universe).

Meditation was helpful, too.

I think, it is not really about the technique. The important point is wanting peace of mind above everything else. And how did I learn to want peace above anything else ? By learning from painful experiences what the anger and revenge does to me on the one hand, and about the benefits of peace on the other hand.

But it took quite a few health issues and some mild poltergeist phenomena (like burned out light bulbs) due to anger to get me into that mental readiness for doing ACIM lessons.
More about this here: From Anger to Peace
viewtopic.php?f=46&t=12571

Good luck!
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby Phil2 » Mon Jul 14, 2014 2:35 pm

Clouded wrote:The closest thing I do to meditation is yoga. I think that meditation is relaxation without thinking about anything? I don't know why it's so hard for me to stop thinking, especially thinking negative thoughts. When I wake up in the morning, I usually feel the happiest, I feel like my mind is clear and as the day goes by, I feel worse and I go to bed feeling grumpy with a headache. I think I feel the most peaceful when I am asleep.


Well yoga is not meditation, it's more of a physical relaxation with some limited effects on mind (you can still think to your problems compulsively while practicing yoga). Still yoga is a good practice, in particular a yoga session before a meditation can be useful as it prepares your body and mind to stillness.

Meditation leads you to a different state of mind ... why not try it ? When one faces real problems, one would do anything to solve those problems, no ? At least try something ... and see what happens ... don't install yourself in the position of the victim ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby Phil2 » Mon Jul 14, 2014 2:41 pm

kafi wrote:
Meditation was helpful, too.

I think, it is not really about the technique. The important point is wanting peace of mind above everything else. And how did I learn to want peace above anything else ? By learning from painful experiences what the anger and revenge does to me on the one hand, and about the benefits of peace on the other hand.



Right, i second that ... technique is not important ... it is not necessary to practice the traditional 'lotus' position, you can meditate sitting in a sofa, or lying in your bed, or even walking in the street ... the key is to remain aware of your thoughts and emotions ... and not be 'carried away' with them ... just witnessing, not even try to repress thoughts or emotions ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby Clouded » Fri Jul 25, 2014 6:01 am

I tried meditating every day for 5 minutes (I time myself tbh) but around 1 minute, I get bored and can't wait until my meditation ''session'' is over. It's a very long 5 minutes for me. I start off with making a deal to myself that I will stop thinking for 5 minutes and after a couple of seconds, I am back to thinking about random crap again and worrying about my future :roll: . Maybe I will get better with practice. The focusing on deep breaths does alleviate the pressure that I feel in my head.

One thing that I really need to control is my need to have the last say in arguments with my mom. I know that she has the same problem as me and I hate it when she closes an argument with something against me and I restrain myself from replying back because I know that it will lead us nowhere and would only lengthen the argument.

I find the Sedona Method to be very helpful when I am having anxiety attacks.

OT, but yesterday I bought a shirt that says Think Happy Thoughts. I'm trying to become a more zen person.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: Tips on how to control anger (and stop seeking for reven

Postby SJD » Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:49 am

Notice your bordem.
Notice your restlessness.
Notice negative thoughts.

Let them be.

You don't have to be drawn into every emotion or thought. Just watch them like clouds going by. Many times you'll drift back into thinking. Don't hurt yourself or get mad at yourself for this. It just happens. The mind consumes your consciousness. Your mind is not who you are. Go back to awareness.

Notice your minds tendency to drift from the present moment. Reside in this awareness.

Don't make meditation into a means to an end. "Oh, I'm going to meditate so I can become a stronger person." No disband this type of thought immidietly. Meditate and don't make it a means to an end.

Of course, once you practice meditation you will have excercised a muscle that will begin to help you in everyday life situations.

Clouded wrote:I tried meditating every day for 5 minutes (I time myself tbh) but around 1 minute, I get bored and can't wait until my meditation ''session'' is over. It's a very long 5 minutes for me.
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