friendships

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friendships

Postby xpansion » Thu Nov 27, 2014 3:24 am

I keep finding myself in a similar situation in regards to friendships. I meet people, I like them for a while until their baggage comes to the fore and then I find I cannot tolerate them. Sometimes they have turned out to be alcoholics whose personality becomes ugly and aggressive when drunk, sometimes its that they have anxiety issues and so every little thing becomes a big deal for them, sometimes its that they display selfish or self absorbed behaviour. There are many more instances I could think of. Its like everyone who comes into my view is a complete and utter basket case.
I feel like I am trying to awaken to consciousness but Im surrounded by people who aren't, by people who are projecting their shit outwards all the time and Im finding that very difficult to tolerate and so I isolate myself hoping that one day Ill meet some people on the same path who may have baggage but at least they are aware and having a bit of insight about it. I have always had difficulty maintaining friendships because of an inability and lack of desire to deal with conflict, maybe its conditioning as I come from a troubled background where home and school were chaotic. Im trying to just accept where I am at right now. Im thinking maybe I should find a group or sangha so that I may meet some likeminded people.
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Re: friendships

Postby Clouded » Thu Nov 27, 2014 4:10 am

I find that hanging out with people who you have trouble tolerating is a good way for you to grow and eventually accept other people's baggage. Maybe you can try to help them awaken to consciousness instead of judging them to be utter basket cases?? In life you might meet people who will unknowingly push your buttons and that will test your character; you choose how to react to those people, they'll bother you only if you let them.

Does your city have a meditation center? I think you might meet many people who are interested in spirituality/awareness there.
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Re: friendships

Postby xpansion » Thu Nov 27, 2014 6:12 am

Clouded wrote:I find that hanging out with people who you have trouble tolerating is a good way for you to grow and eventually accept other people's baggage. Maybe you can try to help them awaken to consciousness instead of judging them to be utter basket cases?? In life you might meet people who will unknowingly push your buttons and that will test your character; you choose how to react to those people, they'll bother you only if you let them.

Does your city have a meditation center? I think you might meet many people who are interested in spirituality/awareness there.


I get what you're saying about these people being teachers but sometimes surely it's best to move on and leave people stuck in negativity where they are. I'm not christian but a christian quote to sum up what I mean is "God helps those who help themselves". I don't have a saviour complex and so I don't believe that it's up for me to help these people start to wake up. All I can do is keep doing my own inner work and maybe that might inadvertently help people. I certainly can't ever talk to people about it unless they specifically ask me as I do not want to proselytise. They do say that the spiritual path can be a lonely one. There are meditation centres here but some of them charge a fee. Feels weird paying to meditate.
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Re: friendships

Postby Clouded » Thu Nov 27, 2014 6:17 am

Aww that sucks that you have to pay, I guess that meditation teachers got to live...well at least you have people on this forum :D
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Re: friendships

Postby Phil2 » Thu Nov 27, 2014 11:49 am

xpansion wrote:I feel like I am trying to awaken to consciousness but Im surrounded by people who aren't, by people who are projecting their shit outwards all the time and Im finding that very difficult to tolerate and so I isolate myself hoping that one day Ill meet some people on the same path who may have baggage but at least they are aware and having a bit of insight about it. I have always had difficulty maintaining friendships because of an inability and lack of desire to deal with conflict, maybe its conditioning as I come from a troubled background where home and school were chaotic. Im trying to just accept where I am at right now. Im thinking maybe I should find a group or sangha so that I may meet some likeminded people.


My questions here would be:

1) why is it a problem for you that other people do not think the same way as you do ? Why look for 'like-minded' people ? Why look for agreement and recognition from others ? Does this reassure you ?

2) Why look for friendship at all ? Why divide the world in friends/enemies, likes/dislikes ? why create such dichotomies ? Is it not possible to accept all people just the way they are, without judgement of any kind ... as Buddhism says "equal compassion for all people" ?

3) you speak of conflicts ... so why react emotionally when someone challenges or threatens you or your beliefs, opinions, knowledge, identities etc. ? why take things 'personally' ? You are 100 % responsible for your own emotions (anger, fears, grief, shame etc.), would you agree on this ?

??
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Re: friendships

Postby xpansion » Thu Nov 27, 2014 9:37 pm

Phil2 wrote:
xpansion wrote:I feel like I am trying to awaken to consciousness but Im surrounded by people who aren't, by people who are projecting their shit outwards all the time and Im finding that very difficult to tolerate and so I isolate myself hoping that one day Ill meet some people on the same path who may have baggage but at least they are aware and having a bit of insight about it. I have always had difficulty maintaining friendships because of an inability and lack of desire to deal with conflict, maybe its conditioning as I come from a troubled background where home and school were chaotic. Im trying to just accept where I am at right now. Im thinking maybe I should find a group or sangha so that I may meet some likeminded people.


My questions here would be:

1) why is it a problem for you that other people do not think the same way as you do ? Why look for 'like-minded' people ? Why look for agreement and recognition from others ? Does this reassure you ?

2) Why look for friendship at all ? Why divide the world in friends/enemies, likes/dislikes ? why create such dichotomies ? Is it not possible to accept all people just the way they are, without judgement of any kind ... as Buddhism says "equal compassion for all people" ?

3) you speak of conflicts ... so why react emotionally when someone challenges or threatens you or your beliefs, opinions, knowledge, identities etc. ? why take things 'personally' ? You are 100 % responsible for your own emotions (anger, fears, grief, shame etc.), would you agree on this ?

??


The answer to all 3 questions is because I'm not Jesus. Im a human being like everyone else struggling to find meaning and purpose in life and grappling with the day to day vissisitudes that come my way. Like everyone I want to have friends because I want to belong. Its a normal human experience. We are social creatures. Just because you have friends does not mean everyone else is an enemy at all. I would say that kind of opinion is polarised thinking. Unless you are some super enlightened being then no it's not possible to accept everyone as they are. Would you accept Hitler? People don't have to think like me at all, they just have to take responsibility for their own shit and not dump it on me then maybe we can be friends. Yes I'm responsible for my own emotions and I am taking responsibility for them, the problem is most people don't. If people are rude, disrespectful or abusive of course I will defend myself because I'm not a doormat.
Last edited by xpansion on Fri Nov 28, 2014 4:53 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: friendships

Postby Clouded » Thu Nov 27, 2014 9:59 pm

Ego alert, ego alert! Have you ever thought of yourself as being a good friend? What is a good friend to you? To me, it seems that you want only the good and can't tolerate the bad. Your former friends can't be 100% terrible? Why not focus on what characteristics you like about people? I think that there is some good in everyone.
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Re: friendships

Postby xpansion » Thu Nov 27, 2014 10:16 pm

Clouded wrote:Ego alert, ego alert! Have you ever thought of yourself as being a good friend? What is a good friend to you? To me, it seems that you want only the good and can't tolerate the bad. Your former friends can't be 100% terrible? Why not focus on what characteristics you like about people? I think that there is some good in everyone.

Is this how you make yourself feel a little bit better? By going around pointing out other people's egos? I would say that this in itself is very egoic behaviour. It's always the same in any kind of faith or religion. If you speak against the general belief system, if you test or question it you're told its your ego, it's your pride, or in Christianity it's a sin. Frankly I think it's bullshit. You're right, they aren't 100% terrible. And I don't see their poor behaviour as who they are. I agree there is good in everyone. I refuse to be around people who are abusive or dump though because I have healthy boundaries. I don't think there is anything spiritual or enlightened about being a dumping ground, doormat or someone who just accepts whatever is happening to them. ET says to say yes to everything but I believe sometimes you have to say NO and you have to say it really loud.
Last edited by xpansion on Thu Nov 27, 2014 11:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: friendships

Postby Clouded » Thu Nov 27, 2014 10:35 pm

Did you feel defensive because I called you out on your ego? It's okay, I have an ego too. I just think that the whole doormat thing is an exaggeration, sorry. Did you tell these people that there are things that you wish they'd stop doing to you? I don't know any magical formula to attract people who won't annoy me in my life, because being annoyed is completely up to me. I sense a lot of anger in your posts...I could be wrong? I guess you just have to meet more people and filter out the ones you don't like.
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Re: friendships

Postby xpansion » Fri Nov 28, 2014 12:59 am

Clouded wrote:Did you feel defensive because I called you out on your ego? It's okay, I have an ego too. I just think that the whole doormat thing is an exaggeration, sorry. Did you tell these people that there are things that you wish they'd stop doing to you? I don't know any magical formula to attract people who won't annoy me in my life, because being annoyed is completely up to me. I sense a lot of anger in your posts...I could be wrong? I guess you just have to meet more people and filter out the ones you don't like.

No I wouldn't really say I felt defensive. I just feel more disappointed that these teachings are being used by some people in the same way religions use faith. ie you must not question, if you do then you're told its your pride, ego etc. It's not up for you to "call out" people's egos. It's unhelpful and basically its egoic behaviour. It may be more helpful to try and inspire people instead of diminishing them.
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Re: friendships

Postby Enlightened2B » Fri Nov 28, 2014 3:45 am

xpansion wrote: Unless you are some super enlightened being then no it's not possible to accept everyone as they are. Would you accept Hitler? People don't have to think like me at all, they just have to take responsibility for their own shit and not dump it on me then maybe we can be friends. Yes I'm responsible for my own emotions and I am taking responsibility for them, the problem is most people don't. If people are rude, disrespectful or abusive of course I will defend myself because I'm not a doormat.


Nothing wrong with that at all and nothing wrong with having friends. I agree with you on that. However, can you explain to me why you would not accept Hitler? Understand that I'm not advocating complacency if Hitler was rounding you and your family up to take to a concentration camp. I'm simply asking why Hitler would be more difficult for you to accept as a person, than someone with the opposite set of values as Hitler.
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Re: friendships

Postby dijmart » Fri Nov 28, 2014 3:50 am

xpansion wrote:The answer to all 3 questions is because I'm not Jesus.


:lol: Love it! hehe
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Re: friendships

Postby dijmart » Fri Nov 28, 2014 3:58 am

Clouded wrote:Ego alert, ego alert!


Are you serious? ...you sound like Phil now :lol:
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Re: friendships

Postby dijmart » Fri Nov 28, 2014 4:34 am

Clouded wrote:Did you feel defensive because I called you out on your ego?


And what the hell is this?...We have a little Phil mini me...un-believable.
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Re: friendships

Postby xpansion » Fri Nov 28, 2014 5:00 am

Enlightened2B wrote:
xpansion wrote: Unless you are some super enlightened being then no it's not possible to accept everyone as they are. Would you accept Hitler? People don't have to think like me at all, they just have to take responsibility for their own shit and not dump it on me then maybe we can be friends. Yes I'm responsible for my own emotions and I am taking responsibility for them, the problem is most people don't. If people are rude, disrespectful or abusive of course I will defend myself because I'm not a doormat.


Nothing wrong with that at all and nothing wrong with having friends. I agree with you on that. However, can you explain to me why you would not accept Hitler? Understand that I'm not advocating complacency if Hitler was rounding you and your family up to take to a concentration camp. I'm simply asking why Hitler would be more difficult for you to accept as a person, than someone with the opposite set of values as Hitler.


I dont really understand your line of questioning about Hitler. Isn't it obvious? As we all know Hitler engaged in psychopathic murderous activities on a mass scale. He caused so much suffering on this planet that is still felt now all these years later. This is unacceptable. I cannot feel compassion for someone who causes so much pain and suffering to others.
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